Like a lot of people I tried numerous methods in trying to reduce my intake of alcohol, keeping drink diaries etc. etc. which all resulted in failure. After a week-end of total annihilation (which involved many other substances as well) I was left fighting for my sanity in hospital. I had overdone it with the cocktail of recreational drugs and alcohol and, as all to often happens, the doctors treated me like a suicide case because of the excess. After about a month of being dry and recovering from the experience I then went to an appointment made by my doctor to see a psychiatrist at a hospital called Clatterbridge Hospital which was well renowned as a 'place for loon-balls'( as well as a place where you could also pick 'magic mushrooms' on the fields at the back!) The psychiatrist could find nothing 'mentally' wrong with me and gave me the 'all clear'. I already knew this and only wanted help with the reasons why I took things to excess. (It has taken me years to fine tune my 'highly addictive personality' to what it is today!)
I eventually went for help at an outreach program called the Arc (which was also a methadone clinic) in order to try and combat the drink and drugs. I spoke to a great guy called Colin who was an alcoholic himself and he offered to meet me and take me to my first AA meeting. It was held at St.Catherine's Hospital in Birkenhead (the same place as the Arc). I was sh*t scared! but true to his word he met me outside the gates and sat with me the whole meeting introducing me to a few people he knew( although he knew them all I think!) I got so much out of that first meeting even though I was still bewildered about the big book and the 12 steps and EVERYONE who spoke that night I related to in some way. I came away feeling great and with the feeling inside me that FINALLY SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS ME! I kept going back and listening and trying to make new friends but I found this more and more difficult as my paranoia was getting the better of me. I'll never forget the time a lady next to me started to speak and suddenly it was all eye's over this way and I couldn't handle it. But I was stuck in my chair and I couldn't move because if I did everyone would then know I had 'freaked out big-time'. I avoided that lady like the plague the following week!. Even though it was December and the nights were cold and miserable and I was battling my paranoia as well I still kept going back to that meeting; forcing myself at times because I knew these people understood me there. I continued at this meeting (my regular Tue. evening at 7.00) and a few others around the Wirral area. I had no means of transport and no real income apart from my benefit every 2 weeks and most of that went on fares getting me to meetings. I had no help or offers of lifts to any of the meetings and out of the whole 6 months I attended I only shared 3 times; twice in my regular meeting and once at a daytime meeting in Liscard at a church hall. I was still no clearer about the program and how I should go about the 12 steps and getting a sponsor (which is something I didn't feel comfortable with anyway). After 6 (nearly 7 months) of AA I decided I was 'cured' and I was now ready to handle the drink 'head on'........WRONG!.
Looking back I know I didn't even get past the first step. But I know this was down to the fact that I never really wanted to give up. I was going through the motions for everyone else's sake and not my own. I didn't really want to change or rather I was afraid to change my lifestyle and to be honest I still enjoyed getting high and pissed and being a thorn (as I perceived it) in the side of the 'system'.
The following years I spent taking the usual 'accepted' street drugs only this time around I was 'chasing' heroin, taking 'e's and GHB (GBH as it is better known) all at the same time. I found myself drinking more than usual, 'super strength' lagers and ciders being a favourite. I was also taking Seroxat for my depression as well and so again the cocktail of drugs and drink were really screwing with my head big time. I stopped the drink/heroin/GHB package deal after My Dad nearly beat the living sh*t out of me after an argument with my mum almost ended in me launching her backwards down the stairs. The seroxat wasn't helping either due to my excess drinking and I bare a few scars today on my wrist and torso when 'calls for help' where being made. Without fail about 4 years ago I ended up back in hospital due to amphetamine poisoning. I finally realised that my heart wasn't going to give me a third chance at messing up so I finally admitted that I needed to kick the drugs in the head. I still couldn't though, even after all I had been through. My drinking was the real problem and at the heart of everything. I couldn't stop binging and every time I had a drink I needed drugs as well mainly 'e's and coke because they prolonged the drinking sessions. Even when my ex-partner and I decided to try for a baby and all through her pregnancy I still couldn't/ didn't want to give up. That's when I started being devious and hiding the drink and ,looking back today, it's probably the time my relationship started to deteriorate.
Anyway to cut a 'very long story' long I finally 'woke up and smelled the coffee' about 2 weeks into my sobriety. I finally had the strength to look at my life and see what is was doing to those around me I cared for and loved. I realised I had put my partner, at the time, through hell for the last 2 years of our relationship. I was only a drunken baby-sitter to my daughter Jasmine and not the doting father I should of been. And, my family where on the verge of disowning me because my mum was close to a nervous breakdown (my Dad passed away in December 2003 and so my mum was without any real emotional support). I came to the decision on 2nd of June 2007 to give up my lifestyle of drink and drugs for a better one. I decided to take stock of my life and came to the conclusion that AA was not the way forward for me. I've always 'crusaded' through life pretty much a loner in my little bubble of what's right and wrong, so I knew damn well being part of an organisation was not going to do it for me. I had grown up a lot since I first went to AA and I knew I had the courage of my convictions to lead a sober and happy life. I still live by the AA principal of 'one day at a time' and although I am not in AA now I still abide by certain agnostic steps which, at the end of the day, any decent alcoholic would as it is the humane thing to do.
I have recently split from my partner and have had one lapse with the drink since I started to abstain from drink. Alcohol is literally a poison to me and I cannot moderate my drinking which is why I choose to abstain. I am a member of 2 other forums called 'The Unofficial AA UK recovery Forum' and its related forum The Rock We Crawled Out From Under- commonley known as The Rock! (both hosted by Delphiforums). I'm always looking to widen the circle of friends of other like minded people who are in the same situation as myself which is why I chose to join this forum as well.
Love and Happiness
Hippie37 xx
I eventually went for help at an outreach program called the Arc (which was also a methadone clinic) in order to try and combat the drink and drugs. I spoke to a great guy called Colin who was an alcoholic himself and he offered to meet me and take me to my first AA meeting. It was held at St.Catherine's Hospital in Birkenhead (the same place as the Arc). I was sh*t scared! but true to his word he met me outside the gates and sat with me the whole meeting introducing me to a few people he knew( although he knew them all I think!) I got so much out of that first meeting even though I was still bewildered about the big book and the 12 steps and EVERYONE who spoke that night I related to in some way. I came away feeling great and with the feeling inside me that FINALLY SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS ME! I kept going back and listening and trying to make new friends but I found this more and more difficult as my paranoia was getting the better of me. I'll never forget the time a lady next to me started to speak and suddenly it was all eye's over this way and I couldn't handle it. But I was stuck in my chair and I couldn't move because if I did everyone would then know I had 'freaked out big-time'. I avoided that lady like the plague the following week!. Even though it was December and the nights were cold and miserable and I was battling my paranoia as well I still kept going back to that meeting; forcing myself at times because I knew these people understood me there. I continued at this meeting (my regular Tue. evening at 7.00) and a few others around the Wirral area. I had no means of transport and no real income apart from my benefit every 2 weeks and most of that went on fares getting me to meetings. I had no help or offers of lifts to any of the meetings and out of the whole 6 months I attended I only shared 3 times; twice in my regular meeting and once at a daytime meeting in Liscard at a church hall. I was still no clearer about the program and how I should go about the 12 steps and getting a sponsor (which is something I didn't feel comfortable with anyway). After 6 (nearly 7 months) of AA I decided I was 'cured' and I was now ready to handle the drink 'head on'........WRONG!.
Looking back I know I didn't even get past the first step. But I know this was down to the fact that I never really wanted to give up. I was going through the motions for everyone else's sake and not my own. I didn't really want to change or rather I was afraid to change my lifestyle and to be honest I still enjoyed getting high and pissed and being a thorn (as I perceived it) in the side of the 'system'.
The following years I spent taking the usual 'accepted' street drugs only this time around I was 'chasing' heroin, taking 'e's and GHB (GBH as it is better known) all at the same time. I found myself drinking more than usual, 'super strength' lagers and ciders being a favourite. I was also taking Seroxat for my depression as well and so again the cocktail of drugs and drink were really screwing with my head big time. I stopped the drink/heroin/GHB package deal after My Dad nearly beat the living sh*t out of me after an argument with my mum almost ended in me launching her backwards down the stairs. The seroxat wasn't helping either due to my excess drinking and I bare a few scars today on my wrist and torso when 'calls for help' where being made. Without fail about 4 years ago I ended up back in hospital due to amphetamine poisoning. I finally realised that my heart wasn't going to give me a third chance at messing up so I finally admitted that I needed to kick the drugs in the head. I still couldn't though, even after all I had been through. My drinking was the real problem and at the heart of everything. I couldn't stop binging and every time I had a drink I needed drugs as well mainly 'e's and coke because they prolonged the drinking sessions. Even when my ex-partner and I decided to try for a baby and all through her pregnancy I still couldn't/ didn't want to give up. That's when I started being devious and hiding the drink and ,looking back today, it's probably the time my relationship started to deteriorate.
Anyway to cut a 'very long story' long I finally 'woke up and smelled the coffee' about 2 weeks into my sobriety. I finally had the strength to look at my life and see what is was doing to those around me I cared for and loved. I realised I had put my partner, at the time, through hell for the last 2 years of our relationship. I was only a drunken baby-sitter to my daughter Jasmine and not the doting father I should of been. And, my family where on the verge of disowning me because my mum was close to a nervous breakdown (my Dad passed away in December 2003 and so my mum was without any real emotional support). I came to the decision on 2nd of June 2007 to give up my lifestyle of drink and drugs for a better one. I decided to take stock of my life and came to the conclusion that AA was not the way forward for me. I've always 'crusaded' through life pretty much a loner in my little bubble of what's right and wrong, so I knew damn well being part of an organisation was not going to do it for me. I had grown up a lot since I first went to AA and I knew I had the courage of my convictions to lead a sober and happy life. I still live by the AA principal of 'one day at a time' and although I am not in AA now I still abide by certain agnostic steps which, at the end of the day, any decent alcoholic would as it is the humane thing to do.
I have recently split from my partner and have had one lapse with the drink since I started to abstain from drink. Alcohol is literally a poison to me and I cannot moderate my drinking which is why I choose to abstain. I am a member of 2 other forums called 'The Unofficial AA UK recovery Forum' and its related forum The Rock We Crawled Out From Under- commonley known as The Rock! (both hosted by Delphiforums). I'm always looking to widen the circle of friends of other like minded people who are in the same situation as myself which is why I chose to join this forum as well.
Love and Happiness
Hippie37 xx
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