don't know what to do!!

[cowgal]

I have been around for a while, had a HORRIBLE weekend of drinking, my husband, who drinks waaayyy too much too, just had a "family announcement", "we are divorcing",:yeahright: after he blew us off (me and kids at the pool) because he felt sick, ended up at a drinking buddy's house all afternoon, came home wasted and reeped havvock w/ this "announcement".....................of course this AM he doesn't remember anything!!!????:wow:

Scarrey!!! He is verbally, sometimes on the verge of physically abusive, and I am in NOOOOO way financially ok to move out, the horses have a place to go, the kids will be devastated!!!:argh:

I am worried and feeling really sad and scared, there has been NO love on our relationship for a few years, so divorce doesn't scare me too bad, it is just all the changes etc.................any advice from people who have been there would be very welcome!!

Mary Anne:upset:

[Beaches]

don't know what to do!!

Mary Anne,
I can only imagine how scary this must be for you. What does he say when you ask him about the divorce? I know many will come after me that will be more helpful just wanted you to know I am thinking of you.

[Cinders]

don't know what to do!!

Cowgal,

I do not like to hear he is ALMOST physically abusive when he is drunk and that he is verbally abusive when he is drunk.

None of this sounds good. A marriage without love?

Upheaval from divorce, yes, but that too would pass and you may well end up in much better circumstances.

I am not recommending what you do, though, because that is totally up to you. Just don't discount change, consider your options and think carefully.

I am thinking of you.

Cindi

[happydog]

don't know what to do!!

oh cowgal , Iam so sorry to hear this. I have not been in this situation. I hope things workout for the best for you.

I will be thinking of you.

Take lots of care!

Teardrop.x

[fickle]

don't know what to do!!

Oh Cowgal,
have you got any resources, someone to talk to, a mediator or a counsellor? I know this might sound lame, but if you guys are unhappy together and he is drinking so much and you are scared of god knows what next.. then maybe there is a way to open a dialogue to start the process of getting out of the relationship.. in a SAFE place?
I went through a breakup with kids when my partner was totally unreasonable, so I know that can happen too.. however, when i got him into mediation and sober he was reasonable and much better. To this day (10 years after) I can not negotiate with him without mediation (he can be a wild beast) but in mediation he is a sane and reasonable man and writes down what he agrees to.. and things are ok.
Sending you loads of love & strength,
Suze

[Niblet]

don't know what to do!!

Hello Mary Anne,
I'm certainly no professional, but I strongly believe that alcohol for both yourself and hubby is making it impossible to think clearly and rationally...
Have you ever consindered taking a good long rest from drinking... atleast 30 days, preferrably a bit longer ? I truely feel sorry for you being in this downward spiral along with your children and critters too... If you don't do it for you, do it for them... Do it for them because you all deserve this. You all deserve you to think rationally for you and them... If hubby doesn't choose to jump on this band wagon, that is fine and his choice... Make this healthy, life changing choice for you and yours... I wish for you to be a strong woman that can make the best decisions for herself... Maybe consider taking Kudzu from MWO or topa ?... Take your vitamins and supps... This will not get any nicer than it is right now... You have to make it get nicer ... for you and yours... It will not be easy, but we will be here for you every step that you take... We care...
I really wish you well... You are worth this Mary Anne... Hugs to you,

[Accountable for Me]

don't know what to do!!

We all tend to say things when drunk. I know I did in the past. It is the sh*its and usually everyone hurts after the fact.

To be perfectly honest with you tho.... is if your husband is verbally abusive while drinking and to the point of being physical, you really should think about other alternatives. It isn't only you living with this, but your kids are as well.

Money is a huge factor for many of us. We tend to stay in these relationships for many reasons especially if our partners are drinkers.

1. The first being 'acceptance of our drinking'. More times than not our drinking spouse accepts our drinking too much. It becomes comfortable or comforting knowing we aren't being judged, because what can they say about it seeing they do it too? For any addict, this type of relationship is ideal.

2. Money. We don't have the money to bail ourselves out. Or at least not enough to live as 'comfortable' as we are presently. So we put up with the abusive ways.

Which leaves me to say, you have to work on you.... do whatever it takes to make yourself well. No one can make rational decisions while in the haze of alcohol. Once you are strong enough and sober you may see things very differently to re-assess the situation you are in. I know for me if my husband didn't stop drinking a few weeks ago, we would be toast. I would leave him. He is a real jerk (verbally/physically aggressive) when he is drinking and personally I don't want my kids to be around it. I left him for a few days with NO intention on coming back unless he cleaned up his act. It was totally up to him. He decided his family was worth more than getting pissed all of the time so I came back.

I didn't threaten him but I did make it very clear that the life he was choosing was NOT the life I wanted for me or my children. I have 10 months under my belt now so I have the clarity and the strength (for the most part) to decide what I want and need for my family.

IF you feel you are in danger though, you must have some sort of 'out' plan. Whether it be a family member or friend to stay with.

I wish you love, strength and clarity. Please take care of you. Maybe check into an out-patient rehab and/or counseling.

[Determinatrix]

don't know what to do!!

Cowgal,

Accountable makes excellent points. In order to leave point A you need to have Point B figured out.
Start getting things into place, even if you work this out with your husband.

Talk to him when he is sober - not hungover - and see how he feels.
He can not remember, but it is still hurtful and he is still responsible.
Why these drunk announcements?
If he cares about you he needs to do some soul-searching and commit,
and then no more announcements he doesn't really mean.

Stay involved with us and let us know how you are doing.

Dx

[MDBiker]

don't know what to do!!

I agree with Determinatrix. Stay in touch

Hugs
bear

[Saint Jude]

don't know what to do!!

Mary Ann, I'm so sorry to hear this.

After having met you personaly in Vegas last year, I think I can honestly say, you deserve so many good things in this life. You are such a sweet lady!
I hope things get better soon Change is sometimes good. I'll be thinking of you.

I'm sorry to drum up the past, but I remember how devestated you were about the riding mishap... that should have never happened.
Maybe time to make a postive & not list...
I don't know...

[cowgal]

don't know what to do!!

feeling a little better

I just got out for some fresh air, digested all the messages, still I don't want to go to the baseball game tonight where he will be, but wouldn't miss it for the world, like to be involved w/ my kids as much as possible.............................I am taking all this feedback very constructively, and appreciate everything...........

love and hugs, SERIOUSLY to you all!!!!!!

MA

[Guest]

don't know what to do!!

Glad you`re feeling a wee bit better cowgal.
I seriously think we shouldn`t deliberately evaluate the main relationships in our lives until we either get our drinking under control or quit.

You say the love has gone a long time ago, but what you have to consider is that, as drinkers we put our loved ones through the mill. Maybe your excessive drinking has outwardly dampened any affection your husband has for you........that does not mean to say he no longer loves you.

If he has made a final decision that the marriage is over, then there is nothing you can do but accept that. If I were you, I would lay my cards on the table and tell my hubby that I wanted to make a commitment to quitting the booze and that I needed as much support as he could find in his heart to give me.

If you yourself feel that you no longer love him, then I think you know the answer. All I`m saying is that you might want to give your marriage a fair go, `cos "the grass isn`t always greener on the other side".

As alcoholics, we can all but break the spirit of even the best hubby/wife.

Wishing you love and strength,

Starlight Impress x

[gonegator]

don't know what to do!!

It sounds like HIS drinking is a big part of the problem the way I read it. Not to say that drinking on both sides helps matters. I guess I only see one side, the side that's here trying to get help. Hang in there Mary Ann

[Guest]

don't know what to do!!

Am just saying that things certainly change when drink is taken out of the equation........often people change for the better then too. You cannot rationally evaluate a relationship which is being crippled by alcohol dependence.........THAT requires one to have a very clear head.

Starlight Impress x

[Garliclady]

don't know what to do!!

Hi Cowgirl
My only experience with this situatio is that I became a single mom when my kids were 5 and 8 years old (they are 30 and 26 now). He drank way too much every night and I was left to tend to the kids myself. Anyway, enough was enough and I got out. He told me I would never be able to make it without him....HEY!! Guess what??? My girls are awesome and happy and successful now. I'm happy too.
It can be done. It's hard and nasty at times but be strong and you can do it too!
All my best to you.