Can't Live with IT, Can't Live without IT...??

[MissCheryl]

Hi all....

So, the other day, I was driving home from work, determined to have an AF evening.... and all it did was make me sad. I wanted to not drink and I wanted to wake up the next morning feeling great and I wanted to experience all the positives of not drinking that night, but the thought of going home and not pouring a glass (and then more and more) of wine got me very depressed.

I DO feel good waking up after a non-drinking night... I love that I go workout, and get the kids to school, and get in to work early, and feel productive. But, always, come evening... I feel sad/crappy/depressed that I can't go home and have my wine OR I feel sad/crappy/depressed that I DO go home and have my wine.

When I do indulge, I always pass that point where I know I've had too much and I know I should stop, but I don't/can't, and I know I'll feel terrible in the am...and I do. So, I'm depressed the next morning at how I gave in and now feel like crap.

Whether I have the wine or not, it seems at some point I'm going to be depressed about it. This sucks. I just sooooo want to NOT CARE about having a glass of wine.... I wish I could obsess about having a glass of orange juice or a bowl of peas!! Or obsess about going to the gym (wouldn't that be great!).

It occurred to me tonight that whether I drink or not, I'm down on myself and feeling hopeless.... either way. Have the drink(s) and, well... you know... drink too much, feel like crap, get nothing done..... Drink nothing, feel depressed, deprived?? Think about nothing but the fact that I'm NOT having a glass of wine?

I guess I'm not really asking a question.... maybe just venting a bit. Maybe some of you that have been so successful can offer some guidance.... if so, I really do appreciate it.

Trying to hang in there....
Cheryl

[The Londoner]

Can't Live with IT, Can't Live without IT...??

Dearest Cheryl

I hear you sister!

I used to look forward so much to the glass of chilled when I came home from work feeling fed up, wanting my reward and yes for me that first glass always hit the spot-I mean the place of no return. If like me and so many others here at MWO, one glass always becomes one too many, I urge you to consider 30 AF. It really allowed me to see things in perspective. It was the start of getting my life back.

For me it was a case of mental reprogramming. I was lucky in that I did not experience physical withdrawal symptoms such as the shakes. I did feel exhausted though as I went down the natural route (no meds, vits B and C) alongside an extreme detox diet. I am now settling into my third month AF and it continues to be a learning curve but Cheryl girl it is so worth it. I did it by living on this site, reading, reading, reading, posting sometimes, joining a 30 day abs group. The support here is truly fantastic.

I am sorry you feel sad. Take heart, I had been a regular drinker for 35 years so lots of sad moments for me too! Sad and dangerous moments. And I'm happier now in a low key kind of way-not so much the froth on the cappucchino anymore, just really glad to be alive, feeling the fresh air hit my face in the mornings. Also, no guilt! No agonising! Biggy!

Your sadness could well be the contemplation of losing a dear friend-how I used to view alcohol-it is sad to let go of someone, but it does not take long to realise (when you commit to AF fora period of time ) that this so called friend does not have our best interests at heart. Happiness through alcohol is an illusion. This for me has been the hardest lesson to learn, I'm still learning. I too sometimes feel sad at "the loss", but there is no way I am going back to my former status as Horrible Drunk.

I reviewed my lifestyle when I had a health scare in the summer. It was a dramatic wakeup call which frightened me at the time, but I can now say I am glad it happened. otherwise I would still be wrapping myself around my favourite wineglass every evening, my very own bottle to hand, jealously guarding my drinking space. That is until I went into blackout and lost yet another evening of my life.

Do this for yourself Cheryl.
With the help of MWO, you can succeed, we are right behind you and here for you always.

Only you can decide AF or mods, but please consider a spell AF-its an eyeopener.
I wish you the very very best and let us know what you decide to do.

Vent away!


:welcome: :h
Anna

[Phoenix74]

Can't Live with IT, Can't Live without IT...??

Hiya Cheryl !

Hope you're feeling a bit better this morn :flower:

I saw your post and your words struck a chord with me so here's my Sunday 28th's two cents' worth.

I'm at a very early stage in 'finding peace' with myself re drinking/over-drinking/not drinking at all, as are you. In the evening coming home after a tough day's work we could just murder a glass or two of wine! BUT WE FIND IT SOMETIMES TOO HARD TO STOP AT JUST TWO GLASSES. Similarly, in the evening after a highly productive, or successful day's work, we'd just love to sit down and have a glass of wine or two to feel damn good about what we've done that day. BUT WE FIND...and so on :upset:

I think everyone here has passed through that dilemma, had the same reactions and had that same battle with their thoughts, (think of the thread A Thinking Problem or a Drinking Problem!) but some have succeeded in taking the repeating scenario off continuous loop, and have moved on to their next stage.
What the next stage is, is different for everyone. Having read your post, I think that that's what you're looking for - to break the cycle and somehow feel at peace, instead of angry or cheated.
I can only tell you my own experience, others here have come far further than I and their successes will hearten you as they hearten me. Their success stories keep us coming back just as much as the stories that are so like ours that in sharing together we never feel alone here no matter how many steps backwards we have taken.
My own experience is that, in order to feel good about myself at all, I have to break that continuous loop and grin and bear, live, pass through all the pain, anger, frustration and resentment, in order to emerge at another side at all.
The thing is, it's normal that you're feeling all that frustration. You, I, feel cheated and empty and end up defending our right to have the wine??? Why shouldn't I be able to have it, I deserve it etc? But we know that we feel even worse the next day, than we did when we were denying ourselves the night before???
What I am doing now, is trying a 30 day ABS. I have been TERRIFIED of committing myself to this because, honestly, I didn't want to abstain for 30 days. I didn't want to do it, and I didn't think I could do it. I'm on Day 9. And I celebrated my birthday this past week, and I've just started a week's holidays from work. There's never a good time, a suitable time. I just decided to grasp the nettle. I had been moderating, since I joined MWO, doing ok, and sticking within the 14 units per week, but the blips were still there in me, (I had two blips), and so something just snapped and i said to myself "you know the blips are there, you're doing ok, but, those blips are just waiting in the wings to come out to play when you weaken". And I wanted to NOT weaken. I wanted to feel more in control of the drinking, than it was in control of me.
I am 'being' AF and staying AF through those feelings you expressed in your post, I could've written it, because I need to know that there is something better out there afterwards: a better life, without the guilt; the haze of half-drunkenness; the feeling of existing without really 'checking in' to my life; the feelings of self-loathing /self-pity/ self-recrimination. It's hard this week. I'm very up and down. Hubby and I are in a major rut I think, I don't know what I want or how I want it; there's a nagging disquiet in me; I am in the middle of a bullying problem at work since last March, with a little coven of teenagers posting nasty things on the internet about me because I tried to warn a 14yr old and her parents that she wasn't concentrating and as a resullt wasn't fulfilling her potential. That's it - that's how it all started. Incredible. I used to be such a non-cynical and happy teacher, full of idealism and drive. I wanted to be a teacher since the age of 8. Right now, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, like I don't fit in the only skin I've ever known. But this is not about me.

I am thankful for your post Cheryl because you've been there for me this morning. I have thought about what I am doing with this period of ABS and it has renewed my strength to do it. I need it, to feel like a success somewhere in my own life.
It's just my opinion, but you have got to break that cycle. You will feel like crap for a while, BUT you will also feel like a somebody, a somebody who remembers who you were before the 'compulsion', for want of a better word, to have two+++ wines every evening took over your thoughts. You will feel like despite the feeling of denying yourself, you are in fact giving something greater back to yourself: your control, your self-respect, your self-esteem.
Which is the greater evil? - not being able to live without it? Or not being able to live with it?
Take care, I'll be thinking of you.

PS, I thought several times about PMing you this because I didn't want to reveal those things about myself publicly, but I am realising that part of the power of MWO is opening up your honest and dishonest thoughts, your fears, putting them out there, leaving yourself open, and being really real. Thank you RJ, and the MWO community for helping me.

[Cashregister]

Can't Live with IT, Can't Live without IT...??

Hi,

I replaced my obsession over that "after work" drink with obsessing about my weight - that kept it out of my mind for a while. It's not all that healthy to replace one obsession with another but it got me through some hard times and I lost weight too. I really think it's obsessing about that one drink that is the first problem, that's why AA didn't work for me (and don't get me wrong here - I know it works for a lot of people) cause I just got obsessed about not having a drink and it was all I thought about. Perhaps the 30 days AF will give you some strength to tackle that obsession/craving - and perhaps a little replacement obsession would not hurt to get your mind off it - even having lovely nails, or saving money for a holiday, or whatever - weight worked for me cause drinking also has lots of those empty calories so killed 2 birds with 1 stone so to speak.

Good luck

Cash

[sweetpea]

Can't Live with IT, Can't Live without IT...??

:h Cheryl

Heart goes out to you - I have lived and breathed the same anguish - I hate myself and who I have become - WHY OH WHY can't I stop at one or two - WHY OH WHY can't I have an AF night. Well I have found MWO and really, really hope that the merry go round stops here. I feel and get so much support from others and feel I am not alone anymore

I have started a thread for an AF 30 days starting from 5 November called Fireworks why don't you join us - Would sooooooooo love to have you with us There is 11 of us so far

Cash is right the weight issue has always been an issue with me so I'm hoping that my 30 AF days will be a double whammy

Loads of love and support

:l Sweetpea:l

[Beaches]

Can't Live with IT, Can't Live without IT...??

Cheryl,
I sometimes think we tend to glamorize alcohol at times. It's a reward, something that we so look forward too something is wonderful until the moment we have had one too many.

I have worked very hard since coming here with moderating and some would say that this path is too much work. At times I would agree. To date, I have had more AF days ever since I have been here and have seen my life transform. It's great waking up feeling good and coming home and not having the wine being the first thing on my mind anymore.
I understand your battle and agree with those who have posted before me. Try the 30 days then decide after that where you want to be. Also trying some of the supplements from here they really take off the edge and cravings.
I wish you the very best.

[paula]

Can't Live with IT, Can't Live without IT...??

Cheryl,
I do feel for you been there got the t. shirt etc. But it does get better, promise,
Wishing you love And best wishes, you can do it.
Love Paula.xx

[MissCheryl]

Can't Live with IT, Can't Live without IT...??

Hey everyone,

Thank you so much for all of your replies...it has really helped. So many of you suggest doing 30 days AF and going from there. That is really what I want to do and I've "started" 3 times, but haven't gotten any further than 3-5 days AF... sigh. But, I will start again today and really try to get to the 30 days. Sweetpea, I will look for your Fireworks group... thanks for the invite!

I've been taking L-Glutamine in the am. It says "on an empty stomach, or 1 hour before eating" so I've only been taking it in the morning since the rest of the day I'm not sure if I should... What other supps might be good? I started Topamax last Wednesday and will titrate up again this Wednesday.... I'm anxious for that to kick in.

Right now, I don't know that it's cravings that I'm dealing with as much as the habit of pouring the glass of wine and having wine all evening. I do know when I get stressed the first thing I want is wine. And, throughout the day thoughts of having a glass of wine pop into my head all the time. I would like to trade it for another obsession... I thought the other day about trying going to the gym when I want to have wine. Since I've put on weight in the past year (another reason to be depressed) that would certainly be a good thing to switch my obsession to... I'll let you know how that goes!

Again, thanks everyone... keep the advice coming, I can use every bit!!
Cheryl :l

PS - Beaches, I noticed your sig mentions Autism. My 11yo son has autism... what's your connection to the autism world?

[Beaches]

Can't Live with IT, Can't Live without IT...??

Cberyl
I am also on Topa and am at 75mg which really helps with the cravings, so does kudzu and gaba and many other things. Give the Topa time. A lot of people indicate different mg's are their magic point when they notice they just don't think about drinking so much anymore.

I wish you the very best!

I take the L Glut before breakfast, lunch and dinner and when needed.

RE: autism my 5yo son has autism.

[maxman]

Can't Live with IT, Can't Live without IT...??

katesm;215881 wrote:

I can't do alcohol. It screws my brain.

I like being free.

You can do this.

well said kate

[toughintexas]

Can't Live with IT, Can't Live without IT...??

Wow, are you sure you aren't me?! I know the feeling....I think this "obssession" is why its a "chemical dependency"....we need to look at it like not eating sugar if we're diabetic, or not smoking if we have asthma, etc....and it is a "habit"....put some awesome white tea, or decaf chai tea, in a wine glass and walk around with that in your hand, and a pot brewed where the wine usually is, and try that.....I've done that the past few days, and betw. that, and peeing out about 3lbs of retained water...a plus...I haven't had time to obsess as much....as for the L-glut...I do the powder kind....start with it from the minute you walk in, drink it with a glass of water before you ever think of popping the cork, give it time to kick in...get the GABA...it helps calm you down...everyone else has already said everything else I would add...its a journey, stay on here, and we'll all do this together! You are NOT ALONE, nor is the way you feel, weird or strange....its "normal" for this beastly thing that has jerked our chains!