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**betty boop** · October 29, 2007, 05:11 AM

Existential Angst?

Good morning feet ......... So sorry that you are feeling low, feel free to vent here as much as you want to ....... Your signature says it all really, the magic really is in you .........

BTW have you booked your train tickets for next saturday yet?????

:l :l :l :l

**Beaches** · October 29, 2007, 05:30 AM

Existential Angst?

FMF, have you read any of Louise Hays series or her book You Can Heal your Life? I would highly recommend it.

I hope you are feeling better soon and it is all about how we see and think about ourselves. Once you believe you are the person you want to be that is how you will portray yourself and believe yourself to be.

Hugs!!

**Finding My Self** · October 29, 2007, 05:53 AM

Existential Angst?

Thanks BB - well, I have the times. Just confirming the 'beds' situation (got Friday's all sorted with my wonderful 'aunt' outside Oxford) then grabbing the early bird deals. Can't wait!

Beaches - thanks too....Sadly I've had dear Louise's books and tapes on my shelf, read and re-read for the last 15 years too...along with over 50 others (seriously! And all read too!) Thing is, every time I do believe in myself and 'go out there' I get a kick in the teeth....I believe that we owe 'life' to keep getting back in the ring if we've been lucky enough to be given it! (But boy, am I getting weary!! Feel a bit like Hulk Hogan! Without the success!) Just lost the ring for now.... can't see it anywhere.

I'm not going the anti-dep route again either...just realised that every time I've done them it's been for other people...like a keeping really happy for a guy who had a major personality disorder and got nasty unless I was always upbeat and 'there' for him. And the married man etc etc etc and David who said...well, rubbish. Not going there now! (Bit of an improvement then! - perhaps I'm just being my usual impatient self!)

Thanks guys - I really appreciate your thoughts.

Love FMF xx

**satori** · October 29, 2007, 06:55 AM

Existential Angst?

FMF - you have a PM!

Love :l

satori
xxx

**wonderworld** · October 29, 2007, 09:06 AM

Existential Angst?

Hey FMF - thanks for the very thoughtful posts this morning. 2 things you said really jumped out to me:

"Stopping drinking has been wonderful but not sorted any of this out. Just made this stuff even more obvious." So theres' the rub!! Take away the anesthesia, and whatever you've been "medicating" feels so sharp and painful. As though you're carrying around your own worst enemy in your head! ouch!! Going through this time sober, conscious, open.......well, your own wisdom about all of it will eventually bubble up - finding its way up into your mind and heart. Time is on your side! And everything you do to investigate and explore (movies, books, talking about it, prayer, meditation, etc.) will propel you forward and help you find YOUR truth - the only one that really maters in the end. If your intention is to "wake up" and be free, then everything you do along the way (every 'success', every 'failure') is a step along the road. And in the meantime, try not to be so frightened by the scary stories you tell yourself! (I know -easy to say!) We all do it - it's anxiety, fear, and very deep habitual patterns of thinking. Make peace with those thoughts and feelings too - they're driving you exactly where you want to go! It's okay.

and the other:
"Thing is, every time I do believe in myself and 'go out there' I get a kick in the teeth....". I know this feeling so well! And i don't know about you, but when I gather my courage and take a risk and it doesn't work out according to my hopes and expectations, well, I take it as personal message from the universe which says "you're not worthy. you don't deserve. things will never change. see? I told you so!" ...... and I scurry back to the fear and paralysis. Well, thing is - it's NOT personal. It's NOT a punishment. It's life just as it is, and we all suffer from dashed hopes. constantly! But try not to see it as some kind of 'proof' that you're doing it 'wrong' or don't deserve better. I'm trying to figure all this out too, and it's starting to look like, well, the idea is to go forward with a vision of abundance (emotional, financial, physical, in all ways) and keep doing the 'footwork' but , (and here's the trick), let go of the hope and fear that it will/will not happen. and when. and how. And view the ups and downs as the landscape along the way. The lessons. It's kind of a trick. And to do it with humor, mercy toward yourself and others, and flexibility. It's like cultivating both courage and openess at the same time, which can be scary. You have so much more strength and resillience than you realize right now. and guess what? YOU'RE DOING IT!!!! and each sober step is a step forward, no matter what.

This has been an excellent way to start the week! I'm talking to myself here too FMF! Don't know if it made sense. But I wish you peace in all of it. And me too!

much love :h , wonderxxx

**Finding My Self** · October 29, 2007, 09:31 AM

Existential Angst?

I am so grateful to you all. I was going to delete this thread but I'll hang in there...

Thing is - some of you'll think I am mad but maybe someone knows if I am or not....

As I've said before, I HATE THIS F****ING HOUSE. I think I haev GOT to get out of it. EVERYTHING has gone wrong since being here. I can't seem to earn a penny. I seem to be disappearing down a hole in the ground....then I remember the lady who said there is a vortex under this house sucking all the energy out of here...I thought she was talking b***cks but just maybe she was right?? I've never felt this before and know it's nothing to do with drink or no drink.... others have felt it here. I think it's why they don't come here - my landlady's clients (beautician) have mentioned it and friends that came when I first moved here wont any more.... I too, feel suckeddry....but I don't know how to get out of here.... I haven;t even unpacked properly and it's 4 years on Dec 1st.... Normally I make a hosue a home in about 48 hours. There's always been something funny about here - it sort of wont let me. (Pictures fall of the wall etc.) I know life's got it's ups and downs - not that naive! - but since this place....well, it's excessive.

Should I just get the hell out - or with things gonig so wrong would I be in worse poo. I've tried sooooh hard to love this place, to thank it so I can move on, to make it home, to be happy with it, to be grateful for it....but it just mulishly does nothing. It seems really DEAD. (I am pretty sensitive to places - should I trust my own instincts.... It was all there was to move inot when I did so I had to take it at the last minute.)

SOrry, I'm just depserate.

FMF xx

**wonderworld** · October 29, 2007, 09:41 AM

Existential Angst?

Hey FMF -
Well there's something else we have in common! (besides being co-winners of the "longest posts" award! sheeesh! i cringe at mine too!)

My house is not "right" for me either. I didn't buy it "consciously", if you know what I mean. Fell in love with certain things about it, but didn't really "feel it out" before (impusively) buying it. If you can - I say get out! Make a new start! Maybe that's not the 'right' answer, but I'll be jealous if you do!
Wonder xxox

**Finding My Self** · October 29, 2007, 09:49 AM

Existential Angst?

Just found this on web - desperate! Psychic Clairvoyant Readings You see, this place did have an 'entity' removed about 2 years ago....someone came who 'saw' him and another was here and 'removed him' - it was weird and there was no doubting the feelings around that day for about 6 of us....I feel the same now as then, just about 50% though...2 were 'into that' and the rest of us were definitely not...but no one doubts it now. Thing is, the other 5 have 'disappeared' now too so can't get hold of them.

I feel as if I am indeed caught up in a "repetitive pattern" that isn't mine here.....it's like, not being of this world...it's horribe; Maybe I've become much more aware of it now I've stopped drinking....I started drinking just after the 'cleanse' after being really poolry for a few months with exhaustion - booze gave me energy....maybe is wasn't clean after all? I think it's the whole area - feels 'not there' to me when I walk around here. I've never been able to put my finger on it.

God, you must be thinking I've lost it - have I?

Thanks FMF xx

"What is Spirit Release or Entity Removal?

Some homes have been built on negative ley lines, affected by geopapthic stress and sick building syndrome, some homes are haunted by ghosts and the sad memories of those that lived and died in that place many years before. All of this can affect our heath, well being and psychological state. Soul rescue or spirit release is a specialist healing work dealing with ‘earth-bound’ souls or trapped spirits. Many people describe them as ghosts. Bascially, it is an earth-bound soul who cannot see the heavenly light so remains in limbo on our earthly place causing sometimes negativity, hauntings and disruption to the family and household in which it dwells. It remains for us as spirit release workers in our physical bodies who can see the earth-bound person, to carry out rescue work. Entities are different to spirits and are almost always negative. They manifest in a variety of guises and drain our physical energy field as they feed off our energy. Entity attachments can be the cause of illness such as depression, headaches, stress, M.E., lethargy, lack of motivation etc. Entities can even be the cause of negative happenings and events within your life and even bad luck.

A typical session involves identifying the spirit or entities, their reason for attaching, the trouble they have been causing and helping them to detach and depart towards the light. This is done via clairvoyance and our psychic ability. We also use various sound methods and smudging to disperse any residual energy and purify the atmosphere. After which the healing energies are channelled to repair damaged energy to the property/person.

What is a Home Energy Clearing or Space Cleanse

For our lives to work well it is vital to have a good flow of vibrant energy in and around your home and workplace. Space Clearing is a specialized form of feng shui that works at a deeper level by cleansing and purifying the 'chi' or energy of a building thus enhancing the nature and quality of the energies within the space.

Energetically, everything that ever happens in a building goes out in ripples like the effect of a stone being dropped in a pond and is recorded in the walls, the floor, the ceiling, the furniture, objects, plants, animals and people in that space. It gets imprinted in the very fabric of the structure. Repetitive patterns get deeply imprinted, as do moods and atmospheres.

Any events accompanied by strong emotions or trauma are recorded more intensely. If you have ever had the experience of walking into a room after there has just been an argument, you know that you can literally feel it hanging in the air. People sometimes say, 'You could have cut the air with a knife', meaning that the atmosphere was so dense it was as if the argument were physically tangible.

The residue of these energy ripples accumulate around the edges of the room, and builds up, particularly in corners and nooks and crannies. It is an interesting fact that some native cultures will not live in buildings with corners. The Zulus and the native American Indians, as an example, live in round buildings. They say that evil dwells in corners, and mostly what they are describing is the way low energy sticks in those areas."

**meditation mama** · October 29, 2007, 09:59 AM

Existential Angst?

Finding... (maybe you should change your name to Having, or Found), becasue you are amazing completely as you are.

I read through your post with such admiration for your honesty.

The thing that sticks out for me is the word "I". "I" have to change "I" have to accept, "I" wonder if "I", and the main one.. When "I" think...

I (me) thiink you may be trying to hard. It imay be time to take a breath (literally) and relax. I know this is easier said than done, and I am not at all discounting what you are feeling or saying because they are all valid preceptions, but it feels like you are spinning inside your own head.

The reason I can feel this is because it is much like my own. I get caught in a spintrap of thoughts, reading too much, trying too hard to change, trying to understand why it isn't changing, and on, and on....

This is when it is time to give the mind a break. It needs to be quieted, needs a rest.. it needs to stop controlling your thoughts so much. When these thought processes are spinning they are grabbing emotions along with them like a tornedo ravishing across a field pulling in whatever is in its way, making it bigger, faster and stronger. But these are preception - most of the time they are not as big as our mind makes them.

So, my advise would be to put the books down, let go of what you think you are suppposed to be doing, what is not happening, and try to just sit.. let the world just happen for a bit, for a day, a few hours, or sit in meditation if you can and let it all go. This doesn't mean you are being inactive, you are just letting things be as they are for a bit. The world will go by the same whether you are spinning or sitting, but resting in "what is" for a while will give you some clarity.

I hope this makes sense..

Namaste,

MM

**Finding My Self** · October 29, 2007, 11:58 AM

Existential Angst?

MM - thank you... You know, yes. I (!) am so often aware that my excessive use of that little word looks as if I (!) am totally self-centered....but reading your post I (!) am reminded that (a) I (!) am 'nothing' in the greatness of things and (b) that I (!) am NOT responsible for absolutely everything in life. I (!) was taught that I was at an an early age (and that I was a negative influence, hence my trying all the time!) but, of course, I am not. (No wonder all 'The Secret' stuff and self-motivational stuff was so attractive to me!) You've reminded me of the time I was so moved when a colleague wrote an article in which he said, "...I began to not only ease the tension in my chest, but to give up all the effort I put into being Jeremy. All I could do was give up the identity which, till now, had been so busy to help me." (Think that ties in with something you said, Satori..?) I remember crying buckets back then (about 1996!) as it hit 'home'. The article is before me just now - I never let it far out of my sight. (It is from a publication called 'Emotion' and the piece is called 'Anatomy of an Addiction'....yup, his then addiction to alcohol. Then, because he cracked it...)

Oh boy, I am reading on - may I share it....? "... as I experimented with easing this unecessary push (in his chest) it revealed a depth of sadness I had not encountered in myself before. I discovered that my bright-be-happy personality was in itself part of my addiction...." Um, thought I'd worked with this many times before! Time for another round of the spiral I think....! Anyone recognise her...?! (This guy is the most grounded, steady, calm, energised, fun, twinkly, 'present' person I have ever seen - nothing like he was when he was on our training course in 1980! Then he was just fun, crazy, zappy!! Progress IS possible!)(He did spend 3 months in silent meditation at a Zen monastery at the top of a mountain somehwere on his journey!)

Well, there is definitely something going on in this house...some sort of 'psychic attack' which is familiar to the last time - the waking in tears happened last time I remember now. (I had a ' careful remember' this afternoon; it' a memory I have 'tried' to let go and not relived many times! (Not because it's scary but I think best left alone.) But, parhaps it's all part of the learning.

I am so grateful to you all. MM I will 'sit'....even if I have to go out to 'sit' somewhere I feel safe until I feel able (if ever) to 'sit' here. I am having more work with a colleague on Wednesday and we shall discuss it....she knows me well! Maybe things are changing/moving but, as ever, because they are new and better changes (and after all. being AF, I guess we all want them to be new improved ones!) they feel all wrong as in unfamiliar.)

I feel a bit of a wally re this thread - "Feet loses the Plot!" sort of thing but....maybe I have to lose the old plot to find the new one! Not sure I've found my feet yet, MM! But Having my Feet is good....ask anyone who's worked on me over the years and tried to ground me!!

I hope Mr. Entity isn't back...he wasn't nasty but deeply upset/sad. Unsettling. The website talks about them going but leaving people 'touched' (which is I guess where the saying comes from...?) and I would need to be cleansed too....hmmm. Surrounding myself with white light here! Last time I lit candles and incense etc and he 'came out'...I think I'll leave well alone tonight! Just 'SIT'!

Love to you all - hope I haven't 'lost' you all!
F(H!)MF XXXX

**wonderworld** · October 29, 2007, 11:59 AM

Existential Angst?

Very interesting stuff FMF. I have no knowledge in this area, but I don't reject anything flat out. Trust you rinstincts and keep trying to figure it out. The only thing I would say is, even if this situation house-wise is having an energy-sucking effect on you, it doesn't mean you can't continue making progress while you're there. I mean - look at all you've accomplished too while you were in it. Especially all this clarity.........and the drinking thing. That house may not be your final destination, but it's part of your journey.

Again- I'm talking to myself too! This is definitely NOT my final destination (I want to live somewhere with warm sunshine year- round!), but I'm doing my best to express my true self while I'm here. No matter what the house is saying back! There's a notion in Tibetan Buddhism, as well as many other cultures, that when you have these kinds of 'hungry ghosts' around (they also say that they live in the corners. they like darkness and dust) - treat them like a guest. Offer them a snack and treat them with respect. And then usher them to the door and tell them firmly to leave!!! It's true!

wonderxx (your lunatic sister)

**wonderworld** · October 29, 2007, 12:04 PM

Existential Angst?

Jeremy who? I didn't see this before my last post.....

**Finding My Self** · October 29, 2007, 12:17 PM

Existential Angst?

OMG Wonder! If they like darkness and dust I'm stuffed!!! The time 'he' came out was when I had a girlfriend staying and we 'attacked' the dust and clutter. I'm not a sort of minimalistic bod (really?!?!) but I am a bit scared to dig into my 'mess' since - so it's got worse. It's like that about moving out too - I'm a bit wary of 'getting into the corners' to pack boxes..... wow, this really is a bigger 'thing' that I realised. I am glad I posted this now (even if I am sure many aren't! It is a bit wacko!) But it has really helped me to 'see' a few things that I realise I have been a bit scared to address. Or wary of anyway, in case I 'd be labelled as a head case! I really am scared of this place - that's why I react so angrily to it.... Never faced that before.

I am so grateful to you. And Wonder, I so hope you find you 'home' one day soon. I love your last post....thank you. I certainly speak kindly to my poor, sad, trapped chappie. I feel sorry for him. This girl thought he was a woodland entity trapped 'under' the house when it was built. The land was probably woodland before it became pasture; the house is only 1935-ish but... it possibly came out of the hole that is the vortex...you can feel exactly where that is in the (unused!) dining room/beautician's treatment room. I would love to find out what was here before but there seem to be no records... perhaps I'll re-start my search. But I don't want to give 'power' to it in a way.

I must 'do' something useful today....lost most of it! Hmmm. And yet....part of the journey!

FMFxx

PS. Chap called Jeremy Chance.... sure he wouldn't mind me saying it.

**Finding My Self** · October 29, 2007, 12:24 PM

Existential Angst?

...and I've been banging on all day whilst Roxanne hurts.....God I'm a cow. Forgive me.

No more.

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