My Parents

[Beaches]

My Parents

Amelia,
Such horrible news. My parents split because of an affair as well, however I was much younger. We are here for you!

[AMELIA]

My Parents

Thank you, all of you for your kind words and support. I just feel now that I have to have some kind of conversation with my dad about it, but I don't know where to start.
It's as if I want to protect his feelings in some way too.
I feel so sad for both of them.

Jane Jane, you didn't upset me. Just the 'reality' of your words. Your post was upfront and honest and I appreciate that.

[weemelonhead]

My Parents

Morning dear...
Just adding some more hugs onto your post Amelia love.....
My step dad left my mom after a few affairs...he was a pig to her anyway, but that still did not stop her feeling terribly shocked and lost when he departed.....
Be there for your dear mum....she sounds like a strong woman, but this knocks anyone for 6.
Try too to look after yourself...much as we realise that our parents are adults and perfectly capable of looking after themselves...it is totally natural to want to protect them and guard them from any hurt...you will not be able to help but grieve over the situation, I hope though that this does not send you on a downward spiral .....give yourself love
I'm sending some extra
Weemelon...xxxxx

[AMELIA]

My Parents

Thanks Weemelon!! I see you are in Auckland. You don't fancy popping round to West Auckland and sorting him out for me do you??

Yes, my mum is strong and you are also right about wanting to guard and protect both of them. I actually feel bad saying that about my dad. I used to have such a horrible love/hate relationship with him when I was younger, that now the hate has gone (and some empathy has come in), I don't want to treat him like the bad guy (even if it is him having the affair.

I will do anything possible to help and support my mum at the moment. But I feel like I have to do the same to my dad (and I feel guilty for saying it!!!!)

This is so difficult.

[raoul]

My Parents

Hi Amelia,

What a terrible thing to happen, but I admire your magnanimity in that you don't want to disparage your dad totally.

I aint no marriage counsellor - shit, I've got three broken marriages behind me! - but this is maybe just a symptom of something that is wrong with your parents' relationship and maybe it can be fixed. I honestly can't believe a man would throw away all those years and a family on a whim. Men are notoriously difficult at opening up, even to those closest to them, and have the strangest way of attracting attention to their problems. Maybe talking to him heart to heart would help, although I know the distance makes this well nigh impossible - is there anyone there, a friend or relative, who could help.

Hope you don't mind me putting my penny worth in; I know it's not my business really.

Anyway, I hope everything works out for the best.

Best wishes,

Raoul

[Mags]

My Parents

Hi Amelia

No matter how old we get or our parents get, they are still our parents and we will always think of them as our parents - never quite as "normal" adults. This much be so hard for you - I can imagine this terrible pain in your gut.

I don't have any advice. All I can do is say I am so sorry you have to go through this. Please stay strong, don't let this be an excuse to drink. Try to help your mom. We are all here if you need to vent - anytime.

[AMELIA]

My Parents

Thanks Raoul and Mags. I really appreciate your responses.

[Flip]

My Parents

Bloody hell, couldn't agree more with whoever said the "younger" woman must be nuts, as your dad is entering old age - why on earth would someone of 48 date someone nearly 70??? It's just crazy stuff on both sides. I can't imagine being 'the other woman' to a 64 year old! Christ, that's a grandfather with a pace maker, not a stud muffin with a ready hard on!

That's my opinion, byt here's my advice - it's not your issue, just deal with it however you can (not drinking is a good start) and let them all sort it out. Don't get sucked into it, just offer support when they ask for it.

[Finding My Self]

My Parents

Whoa, Flip!!!! Know what you're saying but, I did.... (me 48 and he 70.) He's never put a day over 60 by people.... I found it hard to believe too at times.... Such an age difference worried me a bit for the future, but as there didn't seem to 'be' one, that self-sorted....but none of us knows if we've got more than today anyways...

When I look at other '70 years olds' I know attraction aint anything to do with age! Yup, 'most' 70 years olds.....eeek! But others...... and just maybe Amelia's Dad's one of those!

Amelia - I do hope you're getting a chance to talk to you Dad.... and your Mum. They must seem soooooooh far away! I guess I do agree a wee bit with the not getting too 'emotional' about it... If they want that much input, yes. But otherwise it's looking after your feelings about it - what they all mean. How it's affecting your memories. Your feelings of security and trust. Your 'inner kid'....all the questions that she is now asking...

Look after you and 'litlte Amelia'... And your Mum and Dad are in my thoughts too.

Love and hugs
FMS xx

[mintytess]

My Parents

Amelia.....I am sooo sorry. This happened to me..I'd been married 25 years when husband just left, no warning..apparently fell for his boss and has since married her.

I have three wonderful kids, two sons and a daughter. Both sons have nothing to do with him anymore but my daughter loves her dad, so, keeps in contact with him.

Do you have anyone in the UK to talk to?

God, my kids were adults when it happened but they went through HELL!

There is a good site...Adult children of divorce...

Thinking of you.

Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Bella]

My Parents

Hi Amelia, I'm sorry about your parents. That must be quite a shock. My parents split up about 10 years ago having been married 37 years. Dad had been having an affair (which I knew about) and he finally told my mum because he wanted to live with his new younger bird! (who is now his wife). Very tricky to be an adult daughter caught up in parents marriage problems. Like you said, it is good it happened now and not when you were young. I have dealt with it like this......they were obviously very unhappy together but stayed because it was easier. Now, they have split, they are happy. life is short and can not be based on lies and sadness. After the initial shock of all this, try and look on it as something your parents want. They need to get on with their lives and live more forfilled lives apart from eachother. I hope I don't sound hard.! ? ! My only sadness is the fact that my mum has not found anyone else to share her life with. But I don't think she is too bothered, she is 76yrs old. She is a bit lonely though. But not unhappy. Us women are strong!!!

I hope I've helped.
Bella xxx

[Niblet]

My Parents

Oh Amelia .. I'm so sorry for the news that you got about your parents !! Your poor Mom...
My Mom and Dad split up when I was only 8, so I only have a small taste of what you are feeling... My Mom left my father, but my Dad did too take up with a much younger lady,, In fact they are still together today and I love her to bits... Although techniqely (sp) she is young enough to be my sister..
We here all feel for you and want you to vent if you need to... Hugs sweetie,

[AMELIA]

My Parents

Hello All, thank you again for your replies.
It is incredibly painful for this to be happening. I still don't really know the facts either which leaves me jumping to conclusions. I have arranged to call my twin sister (who is over in New Zealand) , tomorrow morning to talk about what is going on.

So far I have only talked to my mum (when she was alone) once and she was at work and in tears, so it was a brief conversation. I did call home afterwards, but dad answered and he just talked about the weather etc, then passed me over to mum.

I asked her if he knew that I knew and she said 'no'. So it seems like it's a 'secrets and lies' thing going on. She has always been incredibly subservient to him and I worry she is trying to protect him in some perverse way??? I won't know until I talk to my sister. Then I will decide what else to do.

Thanks again everyone.

[jane jane]

My Parents

Keep us posted! I wish you were not being thrust into the middle of this mess, but, well, you are, and will emerge stronger for the experience. It can never happen to me, as my father died when I was in my 20s, and Mother never "bothered" dating (as she puts is---odd phrasing but I'll bow to her senior wisdom!)

Finding Myself, I can see it! I have a platonic friend with whom I've reconnected (he was actually one of my professors at university) who is 20 years older than me, and I can easily see falling for him should we both be widowed one day. We're both happily married, and there's ZERO chance that we will carry our mild mutual appreciation (okay, okay, flirtation,) anywhere beyond where it is, but---I do see that "age" is just a number. And life is long!

Has anyone seen a movie starring Albert Finney called "Rich in Love"? There's a line in there: "We followed love to its conclusion." Spoken by his estranged wife, played by Jill Clayburgh. Amelia, you might want to rent it. Not really a parallel to your situation, but it does revolve around a daughter's consternation at her parents' marriage breakup. But very uplifting and redemptive in the end.

Best,

[AMELIA]

My Parents

Hey thanks Jane Jane. I will see if I can search it out. I am also going to look at the site that Mintytess suggested.
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