The Committee, revisited...

[meditation mama]

Hi guys.. I posted this in August, after a few months of "moderating'. I wanted to go and find it to re-read because I'm in the dreaded day 3-5 (I'm on day 3), is the toughest. This is the time when my mind wants to try and convince me that I am all better. The time, when after any hangover dissapears, my mind wants to tell me that it is OK to drink. That I can control it, that I was just overreacting, that it wasn't all THAT bad.. You know the drill.. Anyway.. It was good for me to re-read, to I thought I would share again.. thank you for letting me be redundant - but this committee is pretty strong and it helps me to know it is just an illusion.

August , 2007

Hi All!

I am back. I was out doing MODS for the past few months.. Well, I guess it would be MODS for someone that drank three bottle of wine a day.. I was only drinking one a day (only one??)! That is not MODS for me, though. Certainly not what I had in mind.. the mind - that is my gauge, even more than the number of drinks. I think that even if I were able to have two glasses of wine a day (which was my "goal", and many times achieved) I would still have to deal with the drinking committee in my head. AND WHAT A COMMITTEE I HAVE ASSEMBLED!! I have the "whew, it's been a long day and it's OK to drink" committee, that one that is the strongest, the one that justifies my stopping at the wine store and then hiding the bottle in my purse or cupboard, the one that tells me that if I have a drink before I get home it doesn't count in my "2" glasses. The ones that completely blind me to the night before. Then there is the "you suck" committee - oh, those bastards are fun. They are the ones that start in on me after I have started in on the wine. "you suck", you shouldn't be drinking that 3rd, 4th glass of wine - actually they start now after the first sip. Then there is the "regret/hate myself" committee, the ones that come in after I have had my fill and I just want to be left alone. They are the worst.. They alienate me from my family and make me go to bed early, pissed, pissed off and feeling very alone. Oh, it doesn't stop there.. Then there is the committee that wakes me up at 3am - the ever honest, painful "lonely hearts club" committee. These sad sacks are the ones that tell me how it really is.. why I drink, how I really can't control it, the ones that point out my true sad self when I drink and make me think about it for at least 2 hours before I can fall asleep for an hour before I have to get up. And lastly, there is the "split personality, morning after" committee, the ones that resolve to not drink so much and tell me everything is OK.. What an amazing curse to be able to lie to myself that way.

I realize I am the boss of my self – my mind is not. I know this from the hundreds of hours that I have spent meditating – I should know better than to let my mind get so spun out! Anyway, I have to fire these guys.. I think of how much time I "think" and it is astounding that I get anything done. Thinking is getting in the way of living! The amazing part is that the actual drinking only takes up about an hour an evening, but these thoughts take up most of my entire waking moments! Well, I am exhausted - I need that time back, I want my happy, outgoing, caring, compassionate mind back, so it is back to ABS for me.

Thanks for listening...
MM

[MyOwnWoman]

The Committee, revisited...

OMG - my committees must have come from the same agency. This is all way too familiar. I've cut back from drinking 8 nights a week to 2 or 3, but those committees are still as noisy. I too want to be free from the chatter ... what I call "monkey mind."

Good work, discerning the difference between mind and what is really real. I believe you are going to make it through these rough days, because you are so aware of the nonsensical committees.

[jane jane]

The Committee, revisited...

Hello MM! Good post! Yes, the Committee hold regular meetings in my brain, as well. Do you know who the worst one is? It's the ghost of my great-uncle, who died this past August at age 93, and who drank a magnum (no kidding!) of cheap Gallo chablis EVERY DAY for most of his adult life! He was French-Canadian, grew up in a family in which wine was like water, and I can hear him laugh, in his lovely accent, "Wine's not gonna hurt ya, cherie! It's like medicine!" Yes, it certainly is "like medicine"---but so is hydrocodone and Xanax! A little goes a long way.

Point is, the devil on my left shoulder whispers, "See, your uncle lived forever, and HE drank all he wanted!" Angel on my right shoulder shrieks, "Don't listen to that! Remember he was only your uncle by marriage! You don't have his DNA! Your liver will shrivel like a raisin if you act like him!" And so on and so forth, until I just want to pummel the pair of 'em and...have a glass of pinot grigio...!

Will we ever "fire" the over-chatty demons in our brains? Certainly worth trying, and deciding to be the "boss of ourselves." Here's to a departmental clean-out!

Happy Saturday,

[meditation mama]

The Committee, revisited...

jane jane;219016 wrote: "Don't listen to that! Remember he was only your uncle by marriage! ,

LMAO!!

MM

[Cinders]

The Committee, revisited...

MM,

You must definitely FIRE that d@mned committee!!

I guess I have finally broken down and must agree with Chief that it is much EASIER to quit drinking than to keep quitting!!

Once you are committed to no drinking, most of those committee members fade away....

Yes. I know them, well, too.

Hang in there. You are 1/2 way through the rough times!!

You know, MM, we CAN do this and I want to do this because my life is literally cr@p with the alcohol. For someone (me) who has come such a long way in life personally and professionally, it would be a real shame if I let an addiction to alcohol derail me. I love my life in almost all other respects.

I am lucky, though, because my husband knows and understands that I am addicted. He knows there is no option for me but abstinence. He panics when I fall. He will happily go the rest of his life without alcohol if that is what it takes. (He never cared for it much, anyway.. Sheesh!!)

Love,
Cindi

[betty boop]

The Committee, revisited...

MM, that is fabulous, i never thought of them as a committee .........

[meditation mama]

The Committee, revisited...

db2fromala;219033 wrote: You know, MM, we CAN do this and I want to do this because my life is literally cr@p with the alcohol. For someone (me) who has come such a long way in life personally and professionally, it would be a real shame if I let an addiction to alcohol derail me. I love my life in almost all other respects.

You tell my story there, sister. Amen! Come way too far... thanks for the reminder!

MM

[nerak]

The Committee, revisited...

jane jane - I wonder if your uncle ever really LIVED! I think that is a key difference - I have equivocated over that point with myself in the past when excusing the next pour and the next and the next and mocking those who live alcohol free as uptight prudes who don't understanding the finer things in life and don't know how to LIVE - I had it backwards. I now know how to truly live - in the moment. I decided to not give away minutes, hours, days to the bottle. I decided I wanted my blackout time back. Those are MY seconds dammit and I WANT them. I want to feel them, remember them, good bad or indifferent. Now that's living. Living is being in the moment each moment. That's courage. That's work worth living to get done. I mean, geez it takes literally hours to drink that much. SO,I figure I can invest at least as many hours learning not to. I started learning to drink since birth and my parents started actively training me at 12. So, I'll go gentle on myself training myself other, healthier habits moment by moment (literally since I can easily drink each moment if allowed to) to replace that habit if it takes me 27 years (how long I've been drinking) to unlearn. SO...be kind to yourself - clean out your mental inventory and read, read, read to replace with what YOU choose to reprogram yourself with. Garbage out, positive in. Read positive stories/biographies of success and triumph over addiction and recovery. Read stories of inspiration. Read about the mind body connection and get inspired about how much control we have over our minds. It's incredible how much we can program our own minds. SOmeone programmed us the wrong way the first time and we can reprogram ourselves the correct way now. Stop listening to the old program.

[Cinders]

The Committee, revisited...

Nerak,

Your post was so powerful it actually took me back and made me sit up.

Thank you for reminding us of the amount of time in our very short lives we have wasted by being drunk, blacked out, just "not there."

Our gift to ourselves is sobriety. Because it means we are in the life we have been given and not turning our backs on that incredibly precious gift.

Love,
Cindi

[meditation mama]

The Committee, revisited...

Nerak - Nicely put!

I recently listened to the Four Agreements again. Not an addiction Audio-Book, but on how we are "conditioned". It's an oldie, but goodie.

[nerak]

The Committee, revisited...

Thanks, because I meant well, but felt like I had said too much...geez - too bad self-esteem doesn't come in a bottle or shot glass - I'd be queen of the world!

[meditation mama]

The Committee, revisited...

This committee was talking to me last night - the one that said it "maybe you are CURED", maybe it would be ok to think about MODS".. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!

Look how far you have come, MM!! Damn, you just never know when that little voice will pop up.. I can pretty much ignore them these days, but I still feel like I need to address them. Why are they coming up? Well, that is for me to decipher tonight.

Sometimes I find it important to go back to my own threads, the ones that I write. The post that come from deep within.

Closing the door on the committee and moving on!!!

90 days AF for 2008 is just around the corner for me.. I will be there to meet me...

MM

[Chief]

The Committee, revisited...

MM.....I have found the key to success is always being able to immediately recognise the thoughts put into my mind by The Beast...

These are classic Beast thoughts....."maybe you're cured....maybe you can "just try" mods..."

We all have these thoughts....the key is to not get lured into thinking that taking a drink is actually an option.....after all, that is the only thing The Beast wants to accomplish....to get you to think that taking a drink is an option.....once he has his foot in the door....

So, what you are going through is normal....don't be alarmed...but get re-focused. Realise you are still at battle, and The Beast is just playing his cards...

I think you are wonderful, MM...

Don

[KateH1]

The Committee, revisited...

MM,

Yes, you are wonderful MM. This is a great post...........I love the way you write, and think!

Damn, that committee........they show up at my house too!! We just need to keep kicking them to the curb!!

Love Ya! Sis!!

XX Kate

[4theboyz]

The Committee, revisited...

I say thank God for old posts! They are totally like a road map to our destination wherever the heck that may wind up being but it is sure nice to know where we've been though!

MM you mentioned in your post that when you have meditated this "Committee" pops up that wants to send you in a direction you know you don't want to go. I am a novice when it comes to meditation but early on years ago, I had an opportunity to take a private class with a Meditation Master. Up to that day I had meditated and had some profound moments and even one particular freakish experience I was convinced was some sort of demon ( I was convinced it was AL). Meditating can be hard enough with all the usual distractions let along a flaming red and black Icon head zooming around!.

I brought these experiences up to my teacher who said these things are to be considered of little or no importance and the goal was to ignore them for my path was to empty my consciousness of all thoughts and distractions and then and only then will I achieve true spiritual freedom. I found that a bit disappointing at the time expecting all sorts of meanings to be attached to those "visions" but now I can see the value and meaning of that goal.

Since I have eliminated AL from my life, sort of surrendering to the emptiness of AL's non existence in my life, I feel free, stronger, more aware and in control of my emotions and actions. I am no longer attached to that struggle since I consciously choose to ignore it's role and importance in my life. I have removed all value to alcohol's meaning, I have a big empty space now in my soul where Al used to be that I can now fill with more positive thoughts feelings and activities. Best part is I can meditate with a whole lot less distractions tugging at me and it is nice...real nice. ( I hope this wasn't too weird!!)