Feeling very strange recently. The alcohol doesn't seem to be giving me that 'high' anymore. It still takes me out of the here and now. And I still want to drink of course, and I am drinking (though not more than usual) but the last 2 nights i have barely slept (despite sleeping pills) and the last 3 days have felt a bit 'out of it' and shattered. Must stop soon. Otherwise I'm going to get into that other thing of 'we're so near Christmas, I'll start in January'. I feel that it's making me feel so sluggish that I'll become ill soon.
Have got my knickers in a complete twist about the family coming to stay for 4 days over Christmas. At first I was worried about the emotional side of it (how my father always riles me and how I end up snapping or in tears, etc.), but now I am in the most ridiculously, silly, state that I am not going to be able to relax between now and Christmas because we'll be so many people that I can't possibly synchronise the entire cooking and Christmas dinner as well. Everyone will help out on the day. I know that. But I've still got to prepare not only all the peripheral stuff like stuffings and sauces before they arrive on Christmas eve, but I'll also have to shop like mad and cook for the freezer. I'm even in a state how I'll cook a turkey at the same time and a different temperature from the roast potatoes and parsnips.
You cannot imagine reading the above (if you are still awake) that I am an intelligent, amusing woman who can talk about many things. I feel ashamed. I sound so undynamic and sad. No one meeting me would ever imagine I waste nervous energy on the above. Intellectually I cannot imagine why I let such stupid worries into my brain. But I do. 'Too much time on her hands' is what I'd say if I were reading this. All I can say is that there's a huge gap between rational thinking and the general agitation I feel that stops me sleeping. I can't find peace. I'm beginning to feel a bit like I did when I got post-natal depression. At the time I didn't consider myself depressed (I don't now either) but I do remember not sleeping well and getting more and more tired until that in itself led to feeling overwhelmed by life.
Have got my knickers in a complete twist about the family coming to stay for 4 days over Christmas. At first I was worried about the emotional side of it (how my father always riles me and how I end up snapping or in tears, etc.), but now I am in the most ridiculously, silly, state that I am not going to be able to relax between now and Christmas because we'll be so many people that I can't possibly synchronise the entire cooking and Christmas dinner as well. Everyone will help out on the day. I know that. But I've still got to prepare not only all the peripheral stuff like stuffings and sauces before they arrive on Christmas eve, but I'll also have to shop like mad and cook for the freezer. I'm even in a state how I'll cook a turkey at the same time and a different temperature from the roast potatoes and parsnips.
You cannot imagine reading the above (if you are still awake) that I am an intelligent, amusing woman who can talk about many things. I feel ashamed. I sound so undynamic and sad. No one meeting me would ever imagine I waste nervous energy on the above. Intellectually I cannot imagine why I let such stupid worries into my brain. But I do. 'Too much time on her hands' is what I'd say if I were reading this. All I can say is that there's a huge gap between rational thinking and the general agitation I feel that stops me sleeping. I can't find peace. I'm beginning to feel a bit like I did when I got post-natal depression. At the time I didn't consider myself depressed (I don't now either) but I do remember not sleeping well and getting more and more tired until that in itself led to feeling overwhelmed by life.
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