Is there any hope for me?

[twinsmommy]

I'll try to keep this short. When I started I did not follow the program to a T but it worked really well none the less. I had to start backing off the Topamax though b/c it REALLy lowered my already low blood pressure and I was also seeing trails and had neuropathy in my feet. I finally thought I could go off b/c it was expensive and the symptoms were still there even at a really low dose. My drinking crept up and I knew it was. I had a bad day again and fell asleep leaving my kids at school. I should not have been drinking when I had to get them but I had the intent of having 1 glass of wine hours before and nothing else. I of course got scared and said I should just leave. He says our marriage is bad b/c I drink and I say I drink b/c it is bad. We have always had problems and I just make them worse. We decided to seperate but I want the kids and he says I am a danger to them. I feel that if he is not around I can go AF or REALLY have an occasional drink. Right after this whole thing he went on vacation to AZ for 4 days. I was relaxed and happy. I am nervous and depressed he is coming back tonight . Am I just afarid to face what I have done? Or maybe my marriage was that bad. He says he does not love and respect me anymore b/c of my drinking. It would take years to get that back. I don't know if we can or should try to fix this. I don't want to be without my kids but I don't know if I can have them.
I am really scared.:upset:

[beatle]

Is there any hope for me?

oh gosh that is a hard one. don't really know what to say. but you seem to know your problem and be working on it.

As for your marriage, have you tried counseling? Has your husband given up but not you? If you can control the drinking, even just so it's at night, not too much, then there isn't really a danger to your wee ones (how old are they?), so i would fight for them, if you want to of course. As I understand it, a court will be more leaning towards the mom, even if she drinks, but she must show that she is working on it.

Sorry, I'm not so much help, but I think as long as you keep trying, there is hope.

Others here will certainly come along with better responses.

Meanwhile, chin up, knowing we are here for you.

[twinsmommy]

Is there any hope for me?

We were supposed to go for counseling but then this happened. And I just want out. Sort of. He has no faith in me. He says I will just do it again. Aside from the other problems he just beats me down for this. He has never tried to help. And when I sobered up I liked him less. There are so many things with us I don't knowif counseling would work. Our friend says we should go even just to help us get through the break up right.

[beatle]

Is there any hope for me?

I agree you should go for counseling no matter what, even if you are feeling there is no hope for your marriage. It will probably help anyway for you to understand each other better.

[CaptJBean]

Is there any hope for me?

The first thing that jumped out at me is, if you are such a danger to your kids... why did he leave you with the kids again... to go on a four day vacation?
You can't fix your marriage, your relationship or him, without first fixing yourself... and you have to be the one that wants to do that.
If the Topamax isn't working for you, then you need to pursue other methods that may work.
He's not your priority... your children are!!! and in order to make them your priority... you have to be your priority. I am urging you in every way possibly to get help. No excuses.
There is a journey ahead of you... don't give up. Keep coming to this sight. Get with a support group.

[Mackeral]

Is there any hope for me?

Hello Twinsmommy, nice to meet you. And sorry to hear of your situation.
I am by no means an expert. I tried to think what i would do if i were in your shoes. I think you both need to sit down in a carm environment and atmosphere and talk. See what you both want. I would'nt give up my kids either but i'd want whats best for them. Id proberly use the breakup as an excuse to drink more..I dont know.
What im trying to get at is that if you Have to split..The better the terms you can do it on, the easier it will be for you him and the kids.

[Guest]

Is there any hope for me?

Hi twinsmommy,
You really need to ask yourself now just where you are with all of this. If you totally believe it`s the unhappy marriage that is making you drink, then it`s time you looked at the bigger picture. By all means, try and save your marriage, but if you really feel it`s over, then it`s time for you to think about what`s best for you and your kids. Do you really trust that you could go AF or just have the occasional drink if hubby is not around?........if so, what`s stopping you? If I were you, I would do what I have to do.........no amount of drink and no amount of men are worth losing your kids over. Your children need and love their mum, just as you need and love them.

Starlight Impress x

[Cashregister]

Is there any hope for me?

Hey Twinsmommy,
I had an alcoholic mum, and though my Dad never understood it, they have been married for 43 years. This is because he loved her, and when she's not drinking she is a really wonderful person. I am lucky enough to have found the same kind of guy - he's put up with my post natal depression, my heavy drinking, my bipolar rants and shopping sprees, cause he loves me - the me I am when i'm OK is more important to him than the me I am when not - but he's there for me, like my Dad was for my mum. She could have been a "danger" to me I guess (though she was never physically abusive, only verbally) but having both of them around took the edge off that. And I don't really think she would ever have put me at risk, and I don't think you would do that to your kids - you are here trying - my mother never even tried.

I can't possibly know what your relationship is like, but if you don't think he loves you, drinking or not, then maybe it's time...I dunno...just some thoughts by someone who's been on both sides of the fence. My parents set an example for me and I guess I might have married "my dad" (eeek!) but he loves me whatever and I don't think you should settle for anything less - you deserve more.

Cashy

[LauraAnn]

Is there any hope for me?

We're in counseling, and it is helping. Things are better now, and they can be better for you too...

but it definitely takes work on both sides. :l

[finski]

Is there any hope for me?

Hi Twinsmommy,
I certainly agree with the others about you being in a very difficult situation..

I too started drinking to keep my ex husband away from me.. he knew i woulnd't have sex with him if i had had a few cans, so kept him at bay that way.. The only problem was, that even after i left him and later divorced him, the drinking part had become a bit of a habit that just increased over time. And now, nearly 6 years later i've come to realize that i really do have a problem and woke up to the fact that something needs doing about it. The realization started from a moment my son, aged 11, made an impression of me in the evenings,.. glass of wine in hand and being a bit tipsy. I can tell you that really hurt me!!! If that was the way he saw me on weekly life, i didn't really want that. So, now i am on day 6 alcohol free and am planning on pushing to 30 days and then evaluating my drinking again.

Both of my parents were alcholics.. My dad started first and he was also violent with it.. But he finally left when i was 11 and we thought things would improve dramatically. But they didn't! My mom found a new partner, who was also an alcoholic (just not violent) and so my mom started drinking too. Very soon her drinking got out of hand and she could drink for 3 weeks morning til night leaving me to my own devices. I remember the sorry feeling of disappointment that she never turned up for any school plays or end of school celebrations etc, cos she was too drunk to do so or even to remember.

I really don't want to judge you in any way, your life is difficult as it is right now. But i just wanted to point out like someone else already said, that you need to look at your life and decide what are your priorities. Getting "rid of" your husband isn't a guarantee that you will stop drinking or get it under control. You need to make sure you're fit and healthy for yourself and your children, and make a contious decsion of really controlling your drinking.
And once you have a clear head, then make your mind up about your marriage.

I'm sure you don't want your children to feel disappointed because you forget due to wine. They need you so much, and you need them too..

I wish you all the success in your "battle" and i really hope you find the strenght to deal with all aspects of your life. I'm sure you can do that.

I will look out for your posts here and you know we're all here to support you what ever it is you decide to do.

Be strong.
Finski :l

[beatle]

Is there any hope for me?

LauraAnn, I am so glad to hear things are getting better.

Twinsmommy, You are obviously a strong woman. So use that strength. And always stick up for your children. Don't get me wrong, I believe a Dad can be as good as, and in many cases better than, the Mum-- it just seems to me that YOU are the better parent here. Would you go and leave your kids with someone you believed was a "danger" to them? As I understand you, you are trying to beat your problem mostly because of your children. YOU of course are the most important part of this complex equation (because all things will follow from there), but your motivation is obviously tied to the children. Your terrible guilt about not fetching them shows how strong your bond is.

p.s. Katesm-- very good point about unconditional love and enabling vs. debilitating. I'm ruminating on that one.

[beatle]

Is there any hope for me?

Yeh, that's happened a lot for me, to the point of not trying very hard. And I know I do resent that "enabling". But how unfair to the enabler, who is just expressing love and doing their best. Still, I know I also do better in the face of adversity. I AM a fighter... but when not even allowed to fight, I give in very easily. I think for me at least the cards have changed though. The guy is worn out and not able to be the superhero he has been. May be best for all...?

[lorisunshine]

Is there any hope for me?

Twinsmom,
there is precious little that I can ad to the wonderful advise you have been given already. One thing that I would like to ad is this: do try to go for counselling and see how willing your life partner is in participating. It is an uncomfortable undertaking. It will uncover raw and painful spots on your souls if the counsellor is worth his/her salt. If your partner evades your efforts to sort things out or refuses to go, then there is probably little integrity in saving the relationship. However, if and when it comes for you to fight for your children, you can prove that you have not left a stone unturned to getting your life back in order.
All of this will only make any sense at all if you can stay sober for the duration. It is a battle but it will be worth it in the end.
I will be thinking of you and here is a cyber hug to you.
Lori

[Reenie]

Is there any hope for me?

Hi Twinsmommy: I see you are from NJ. I am too! Regardless of whether or not you are in a bad marriage, I think you need to be true to yourself. Dig deep and figure out if your drinking is the cause of the marriage gone bad, or if your drinking is one of several factors. By being true to yourself, and taking care of your drinking issue, you will soon become empowered. The better you feel about yourself, the more able you are to handle your troublesome marriage. Things become more clearer and easier to handle when you have several weeks of sobriety under your belt. Do your best to get some AF days behind you. Don't give up on your marriage, make every effort to save it. Your husband is hurting too. He just might be at his wits end and may not know how to save you and your marriage. Please make an appointment to see a counselor with or without your husband. You will have peace of mind knowing that you tried and didn't go down without a fight. -Reenie