Can I dump this down the line? - can't quite get my head around it....
Excuse me for being stupid here bit I think I'm not very good at spotting true friends over....well, others....
When I moved to Cornwall I made few friends due to the jealous nature of my then partner....when he left I was able to make a few. The lady next door became, what I thought was, my 'best friend' - as in, for someone I hadn't known that long, only for geopgraphical reasons... When I moved to this house, a couple of miles from hers, we met frequently...or did I just drip in frequently (she rarely, if ever came here even if asked...) as I had bought my little boat from her (D. discovered she was selling it and negotiated the price, I paid and yet the ownership certificate had both his and my name on it....?!?.. so he could keep his mooring by putting my boat on it....he said....he never did!!)
So, H and I struck up this great friendship...she's a great 'tippler' and mostly drank me under the table.... She had a horrendous time with a second hubby who is still a crazy (tried to blow up her car with a huge firework pack last year?!?) alcoholic...so, she recoginsesone she ssaid and I wasn't one - for definite. We met about twice a week for 4 years.
Then I lost my licence - she was total support, came to the hearing and everything. Then I fell at New Year - another story unwritten about; everyone thought it was booze but I slipped on washing on the stairs in the dark at 2am going to the loo and had 50 stitches in my mouth/face.....we'll go there if relevant another time!!(Just ALWAYS turn the light on...you never know!)
She was coming round on 4th Jan to see me but cancelled that morning saying 'she had a bug' - she'd ring in a couple of days'....that was 10.5 months ago. (I couldn't ring her back in January - I couldn't speak for a couple of weeks - ouch!)
By March I was sooooo upset by this that - well, all the daft things you add in to the cocktail of why we drink eh?!? I'd had 'that letter' and lost my business. I fetl even more lonley....D came and went and I got low - let's leave it at that!!
WHen D came back in about May, he kept saying that H hoped I was OK; she frequently rang D to ask about me and was 'still there for me and would support me all the way...' ???? (Of course, now I know what he was up to????) I said why doesn't she call me then?....and got a heap of excuses....'she's really busy on her book...' being one of them. This has hurt each time I have thought about it since....not driving I don't get near her house ever now....my boat has had a lean year; no water, no tides, no time, no money and no weather - let alone transport!!
Thing is, it 'happened' today...........on my way back p from town.....saw her car for the first time. Well, thought it was hers....kept walking and a timid voice said, "Hello?".... Hello I replied.... I have never seen such flustered excuse speak in my life!!! Including, she didn;t recognise me and how amazing to see me 'come back from the dead..........' 'What a truly terrible year you've had' she says.....'Really?' say I? (There being no other way she could have known about AA, stopping drinking, any actual need to stop drinking, anything at all - except through David. And she went on to say how many others have asked about me (having also 'disappeard'...) He must have started ladling it on with a trowel in about January..... possibly even (we might never know of course...) on TOP of that letter...
I amreally wondering just how much 'damage' this guy's done.....! And back to feeling very uncomfortable about 'the locale'.... I have no friends. Is this why? (BTW - she's not been writing her book, that was just D's thought up excuse or....I don't know who to beleive any more...)
Good thing was that as I stood talking to her I felt strong....I thought of you guys.... I looked at her levelly when she said how absolutely incredible it was to see me (um, on the end of the same old phone line there, dear!) and she''d missed me, and said, I've missed you too, H...very much..." Ring me and come for a cup of tea she said. (She would never have suggested TEA in a million years before!!!! Something tinto yes....!) I suggested she ring me. Dave's dropped in a few times andsaid he hasn't seen you she said.... The conversation went on to suggest that they'd been fishing around for info on me!!!!
(D once said to her apparently, "I don't know how she's coping...." quite sweet of him I guess in its way...but went on to say after I remarked thus..... "Oh no, he said, I don't know how she's possibly coping without me" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
So, I'm just feeling rather queasy about the whole thing.... I'd always rather believe people and trust that they have their hearts in the right place..... but this isn't one of those is it? Or is it? Am I just being paranoid thinking that D has really 'spread it about and it's now growing potatoes'!! It's horrible..... he made such mountains out of moleshills and told so many people - I hope there aren't too many people laughing their face off behind my back!
Thing is you see, I can imagine that many ARE saying, why's she just joined the choirs, coming to church, getting involved NOW....after being here for 9 years? With what D's saying it could well be 'seen' that I have spent the last 8 years as a raving alcoholic - and I haven't! And he knows it! I can'r bear to think of all the people I know who I've always known here but are now just being polite and not genuine.....
BUT, I CAN look in that mirror - I CAN think of all you guys - I CAN think about the amazing strengths and courages that reside here at MWO.....and boy, are they bigger and better than the petty goings on here!!! (But I do feel saddened by it all.............. Dog, what damage can be done to another's life under the guise of 'being helpful' and 'caring'........)
So, I don't know what to think, where to go with this.....except just carry on of course.
AND, big time.....is this more to do with denial - that bl**y river in Egypt I've so studiously avoided so far....or is that what D wants me to 'admit' - for, seemingly his own end - what ever the heck that is??? If he's 'told' half the area what he thinks I am and I deny it, then I shall REALLY look a laughing stock............. I so don't want people's 'pity' and 'praise' in stopping.... not needed. I would love their respect for being ME just as I am - not for overcoming anything as seedy as drink...........Now I just feel a PRATT walking around here smiling and doing and chatting.......(Bloody man.)
I AM in denial aren't I...........? F*** it. NO.
Thanks, :upset:
FMS xx
Excuse me for being stupid here bit I think I'm not very good at spotting true friends over....well, others....
When I moved to Cornwall I made few friends due to the jealous nature of my then partner....when he left I was able to make a few. The lady next door became, what I thought was, my 'best friend' - as in, for someone I hadn't known that long, only for geopgraphical reasons... When I moved to this house, a couple of miles from hers, we met frequently...or did I just drip in frequently (she rarely, if ever came here even if asked...) as I had bought my little boat from her (D. discovered she was selling it and negotiated the price, I paid and yet the ownership certificate had both his and my name on it....?!?.. so he could keep his mooring by putting my boat on it....he said....he never did!!)
So, H and I struck up this great friendship...she's a great 'tippler' and mostly drank me under the table.... She had a horrendous time with a second hubby who is still a crazy (tried to blow up her car with a huge firework pack last year?!?) alcoholic...so, she recoginsesone she ssaid and I wasn't one - for definite. We met about twice a week for 4 years.
Then I lost my licence - she was total support, came to the hearing and everything. Then I fell at New Year - another story unwritten about; everyone thought it was booze but I slipped on washing on the stairs in the dark at 2am going to the loo and had 50 stitches in my mouth/face.....we'll go there if relevant another time!!(Just ALWAYS turn the light on...you never know!)
She was coming round on 4th Jan to see me but cancelled that morning saying 'she had a bug' - she'd ring in a couple of days'....that was 10.5 months ago. (I couldn't ring her back in January - I couldn't speak for a couple of weeks - ouch!)
By March I was sooooo upset by this that - well, all the daft things you add in to the cocktail of why we drink eh?!? I'd had 'that letter' and lost my business. I fetl even more lonley....D came and went and I got low - let's leave it at that!!
WHen D came back in about May, he kept saying that H hoped I was OK; she frequently rang D to ask about me and was 'still there for me and would support me all the way...' ???? (Of course, now I know what he was up to????) I said why doesn't she call me then?....and got a heap of excuses....'she's really busy on her book...' being one of them. This has hurt each time I have thought about it since....not driving I don't get near her house ever now....my boat has had a lean year; no water, no tides, no time, no money and no weather - let alone transport!!
Thing is, it 'happened' today...........on my way back p from town.....saw her car for the first time. Well, thought it was hers....kept walking and a timid voice said, "Hello?".... Hello I replied.... I have never seen such flustered excuse speak in my life!!! Including, she didn;t recognise me and how amazing to see me 'come back from the dead..........' 'What a truly terrible year you've had' she says.....'Really?' say I? (There being no other way she could have known about AA, stopping drinking, any actual need to stop drinking, anything at all - except through David. And she went on to say how many others have asked about me (having also 'disappeard'...) He must have started ladling it on with a trowel in about January..... possibly even (we might never know of course...) on TOP of that letter...
I amreally wondering just how much 'damage' this guy's done.....! And back to feeling very uncomfortable about 'the locale'.... I have no friends. Is this why? (BTW - she's not been writing her book, that was just D's thought up excuse or....I don't know who to beleive any more...)
Good thing was that as I stood talking to her I felt strong....I thought of you guys.... I looked at her levelly when she said how absolutely incredible it was to see me (um, on the end of the same old phone line there, dear!) and she''d missed me, and said, I've missed you too, H...very much..." Ring me and come for a cup of tea she said. (She would never have suggested TEA in a million years before!!!! Something tinto yes....!) I suggested she ring me. Dave's dropped in a few times andsaid he hasn't seen you she said.... The conversation went on to suggest that they'd been fishing around for info on me!!!!
(D once said to her apparently, "I don't know how she's coping...." quite sweet of him I guess in its way...but went on to say after I remarked thus..... "Oh no, he said, I don't know how she's possibly coping without me" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
So, I'm just feeling rather queasy about the whole thing.... I'd always rather believe people and trust that they have their hearts in the right place..... but this isn't one of those is it? Or is it? Am I just being paranoid thinking that D has really 'spread it about and it's now growing potatoes'!! It's horrible..... he made such mountains out of moleshills and told so many people - I hope there aren't too many people laughing their face off behind my back!
Thing is you see, I can imagine that many ARE saying, why's she just joined the choirs, coming to church, getting involved NOW....after being here for 9 years? With what D's saying it could well be 'seen' that I have spent the last 8 years as a raving alcoholic - and I haven't! And he knows it! I can'r bear to think of all the people I know who I've always known here but are now just being polite and not genuine.....
BUT, I CAN look in that mirror - I CAN think of all you guys - I CAN think about the amazing strengths and courages that reside here at MWO.....and boy, are they bigger and better than the petty goings on here!!! (But I do feel saddened by it all.............. Dog, what damage can be done to another's life under the guise of 'being helpful' and 'caring'........)
So, I don't know what to think, where to go with this.....except just carry on of course.
AND, big time.....is this more to do with denial - that bl**y river in Egypt I've so studiously avoided so far....or is that what D wants me to 'admit' - for, seemingly his own end - what ever the heck that is??? If he's 'told' half the area what he thinks I am and I deny it, then I shall REALLY look a laughing stock............. I so don't want people's 'pity' and 'praise' in stopping.... not needed. I would love their respect for being ME just as I am - not for overcoming anything as seedy as drink...........Now I just feel a PRATT walking around here smiling and doing and chatting.......(Bloody man.)
I AM in denial aren't I...........? F*** it. NO.
Thanks, :upset:
FMS xx
c: :heart:
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