Waking up to my self... sucks.

[MyOwnWoman]

I am very hesitant to share this... for one, I am (as usual) ashamed of my depression, and also, I don't want to sound like drinking less is not a good thing.

However... I'm terribly depressed and sinking into a dark pit of aloneness, and I'm scared by it all. Terrified, actually.

There are surely numerous factors to my depression (cleansing diet, recent end to a relationship - which is a good thing but hard to get used to being alone, long history of depression from a miserable childhood, troubles with my relationship with my daughter, very overweight, etc.) But here's a new facet to my blues that I'm not used to. In being sober much more than I am drinking these days, I've been taking an honest assessment of my life, who I am and how I am.

All those many, many years drinking ... wasted. And now I am 42 and find that because I was drinking for so long I have not grown as a person as I should have. I don't know much about politics, art, music, current events, etc. I have no real interests (before booze was my only interest). I have no friends, because for one thing I'm a shy introvert, but also because I wouldn't spend time with anyone who didn't have getting smashed among their top two priorities in life. I have not been financially responsible and it will take me years to clean up my credit. My body is a wreck - I'm 75 pounds overweight, almost always something hurts, and I have poor muscle tone and posture. The longest relationship I've ever had was 5 years (and that only lasted that long because we had a kid together) and every relationship I had was insane (and there were a lot of them). I revert to codependent behavior in any close relationship - and am aware now that this is true even with my little girl. I've not been a good enough mother for her and she lacks discipline, is sassy and arrogant, moody and often depressed. The holidays are coming up and I honestly don't have anyone to spend them with (I let my daughter go with her dad on holidays, as he has family near).

I'm not sure why I'm posting this. I guess I just needed to get it out, as these thoughts are making me crazier every day and I have no one in my life to talk to. The negative self-talk is overwhelming. It seems at times like a demon is within, beating down and slashing any scraps of spirit I have left... even those bits that rise up hopeful that I am well on my way to conquering the fight with alcohol.

I thought I would feel better in drinking so much less. Maybe it would be different if I was completely AF? But in feeling this way, it is SO HARD to not escape into numbness a couple nights a week - especially those nights when my daughter is with her dad and I'm alone with the bastards in my head.

Sorry to be a downer, and so longwinded. I just don't know what to do. I'm very frightened.

[Justin Time]

Waking up to my self... sucks.

Dear formerly known as Imatree,

It was a good step to share so honestly. Sounds to me like you are making some very positive steps in your life. I am 7 years older than you and I look at it this way, it took me a long time to get to this point in my life so I will take it easy on myself as I work on changes to get to the "new improved version".

I tried some very easy exercise to deal with the weight/pain stuff. Simple short walks. A class on restorative yoga. Most recently Tai chi. None of it strenuous but all of it has been helpful in getting slowly back in shape (and I mean slow!)

I have been reading some good books on how we beat ourselves up and what we can change and what we can't. You might want to pick up one of these titles by Martin Seligman at the library: "Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life" or " What You Can Change . . . and What You Can't*: The Complete Guide to Successful Self-Improvement" or "Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment"

Anyway, I just wanted to applaud and acknowledge your honesty and encourage you to hang in there. Take it a little bit at a time and do something small in those areas that are bothering you- take that short walk, read a good book, etc. Most of all, get involved anything to get your mind off ruminating on your situation. That's a downward spiral with no good ending- we've all been there and it just leads to more heartache.

Good luck, my prayers are with you.

[Guest]

Waking up to my self... sucks.

Hi MOW,
I`m sorry you`re feeling so down, but you have to believe there`s light at the end of the tunnel, because there truly is.
I have made a mighty fine mess of my life also, but there is nothing beyond redemption.

I honestly thought that quitting drinking would be the answer to all or most of my problems.........talk about naive!!!! I now realize that quitting drinking is only the start and am only now beginning to identify and address the reasons I turned to drink.

I feel for you. My head was in a real bad place last week........I`d more than hit rock-bottom.......I was so depressed, it was like I was in the Underworld. I was sounding very much like you are right now, and I made myself face the fact that I needed help.........I went to the doc and was prescribed an antidepressant and referred for counselling........am not saying that`s what you need........only you know what you really need, but I am urging you to speak with your doc if your mood is as low as it seems.
We have so much going for us........sometimes we need a little helping hand to see it, that`s all.

Much love,

Starlight Impress x

[ducky]

Waking up to my self... sucks.

MyOwn, you are NOT alone. Many of us have used alcohol to avoid ourselves and our lives for years. I think Justin has lots of good suggestions for you. I want to suggest that instead of dwelling on all of the time lost (I have done the same thing and I am also older than you) think of all the time ahead and what you might accomplish. There is nothing you can do to change the past but you have plenty of time to create a new future.

Hang in there.

[BILLYJACK]

Waking up to my self... sucks.

In one way/shape/form we all have some sort of use on this earth.. Right now, im not sure anymore where MY place is? However, dont give up on yourself..

For me,I keep trying to find the right way to drink booze, but after being a pro at it for many years, it has kicked my ass and I need to STOP looking at OTHER people and start looking at ME...Im the problem and im the only one who can fix me.. Sure, others can help with my journey, but ultimately, I have to find out about ME first..

So far, I've been a disgrace at finding out who I really am,and im feeling the depression more and more with every bout of binge drinking.

Hnag in there--we are all here to help each other out.

[Mackeral]

Waking up to my self... sucks.

Hiya MOW,
Reading your post i could see your desperation jumping off the page..To put everything out there in such an honest manner takes guts.
There is a lot of good advice here that i agree with. The only thing i would add is to set yourself a goal. Stop looking back how your life has been and see where you want it to go...A lot easier said than done i know..I struggle with it myself..I doubt myself.
I know it gets used a lot but taking today as the first day of the rest of your life. With a clean slate. Sometimes makes all the difference..
I wish you the best of luck.

And let us know how your getting on.:l

[Going Strong]

Waking up to my self... sucks.

MOW,
You made me cry when I read your post as it could have been me writing your post.
I don't know if we drink coz we feel alone or feel alone coz of the drink, but it seems that we don't mature emotionally while we are drinking.
Yes it's hard to make friends when you are shy but maybe you can meet some people through your daughters school.
Even having a coffee with someone occasionally can make you feel better. Walking would be good too.
You are VERY brave writing this post & my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Please think about going to the doctor and sharing with him. There are good counsellors around and medication can always be temporary.
Take Care

[meditation mama]

Waking up to my self... sucks.

Hey there, MOW!

I really appreciate you sharing your feelings here. You know, I think that to some extent we are all very similar. I am 43 and feel like I have also wasted a good part of my life in an dream state. Can I make a few suggestions? For me, I found that getting out to group situations has helped turn my life around. I joined a meditation group three years ago and that put me on my spiritual path. It has been amazing. I just got back from another womans week-long meditation retreat ( I can give you more here if you want), I also joined weight watchers (I also had weight to lose and the support is amazing), then that lead to joining Curves (a womans gym). I just started looking in the paper at what was going on and made myself go. You sound really intelligent, so I am sure you have so much to gain and give in social situations. For me, just getting out into safe group environments helped me to find my interests, myself. Anyway, maybe try one.. you wil be amazed how it leads you to another...

I didn't quit drinking completely when I started these things because I always kept saying I would when I quit - well that was just not happening. Now, I plan to be completely AF and expand on the things I started three years ago. Those things I think gave me this strength.

Anyway, I hope this helps a bit. You are amazing - make sure you give yourself credit for all you DO do.

Namste,

MM

[Lucy Van Pelt]

Waking up to my self... sucks.

Hey...

I read your post and wanted to just hug you. This IS hard. BUT, you need to stop beating yourself up. You are just waking up and realizing what an awful mess you have made of your life...wow...that is a tough one to swallow...all of us have some painful pills to swallow when we get clear enough to realize what we have done,..but this is a BEGINNING!! Baby steps...just take baby steps. You need support, and right now, you have us. That may not be enough. You may want to talk to a professional...counseling, meds for depression etc. But, you have to remember, that you are just at the beginning, and you will, slowly, go up from here. Just breathe. Today may not be so great. Maybe tomorrow with your child will be better. Maybe tomorrow you will meet your first friend in a long time. You have to just hang on and have faith. We all messed our lives up some with drinking....Maybe our messed up lives got us there...certainly our drinking made it worse...but now, well...now we may be on the bottom,, but we can just begin, baby steps, to get slowly better. If you can wake up without a hangover, hey, that is a great day! for now, that is a great day.

We all understand. AND...it can get better, just take it slow and easy. You are NOT alone.

With love,

Beth

[Finding My Self]

Waking up to my self... sucks.

MOW - hello love.....oh do I recognise this feeling....! I am hoping that my first reaction is true...as in this is an inevitable gateway we have to go through to the feeling better bit.....I know I still get them (as you lot know too!!) but looking back, they are getting 'higher' in that I can see progress happening big time...

And I can so see it in you...you are doing great....it's just The Mirror that comes up about now and we can see a few things that we'd rather not see!! But be glad of them in some way as they are the carrot on the stick to bigger and better things....without them we'd stay right where we are...and that place has booze in it and all the lack of real results that that brings....

You're on a new road where it feels wrong as it's unfamiliar, AND 'you can see the (old) wood for the trees' (damn it! Why can't the rear view mirror have fallen off!!)...

Stick with this - progress is weird; the old place isn't where we want to be and the new feels all wrong....so you're bound to feel down. Trust, trust, trust and you'll be out the other side very soon. If it goes on for a week go see your Doc...meds are there to help; our seratonin levels tend to drop behind the parapet for a while when we go AF.

Love and hugs from me to you....this is going to be OK; you're on your way to a great life!

FMS xxxx

[MyOwnWoman]

Waking up to my self... sucks.

Thanks ya'll.
It feels somewhat better just having shared and reading your words, to know that I'm not as invisible and alone as I tend to think.
Much great advice here. I tell myself many of the same things all the time, but it gets hard to hear in my head with all the monkey mind chatter beating me down.

It has been a few weeks that I've felt so low. I've been very reluctant to get antidepressants - I was of normal weight before the last time I started citalopram (about 3 years ago) and blame the drug, in part, for the weight gain. But then - if I wasn't so down I'd probably be able to exercise, and make further progress on cutting out the drinking (thus cutting calories). So maybe in the end it would be worth it.

I want to meditate. I want to work on positive thinking. I want to exercise. It's just so hard to do the right thing whiile in such a funk... you know what I mean?

Here's something positive that you all have reminded me of - last night after my daughter went to sleep and I was lamenting over the nearly constant arguing we do lately, I remembered the power of visualization. I "visualized" that we are consistently loving with each other, that we laugh and talk without arguing, that we play games together. and guess what - today, before her dad picked her up, we played a game together... haven't done that in ... uh, ever?

I just don't think I can do counseling. I've tried it, most would say I need it based on a childhood of abuse in an alcoholic family - but it always seems humiliating and a waste of time. I have always believed that I have within me the tools to conquer and overcome. I just forget it sometimes.

I did recently take on a second job to fill my time, freelance work I can do at home while my daughter is away. And I've just joined the board of a local non-profit. I do need to get my ass out of the chair/bed/couch to walk. Uh... meeting people and having conversations?? Well, that's another matter altogether. You have no idea how uncomfortable I am in social situations.

Thank you - being able to share gets it out of my head so I can look at it and see that it is just thoughts, and see that I can look forward to better times. In fact, I am making changes already, and need those changes to be in the forefront of my awareness rather than my failings and faults.

[karma7171]

Waking up to my self... sucks.

I hear you

I think that we all go through a lot of what you are feeling. I REALLY try to not look back....sure I could have done and learned a lot of things had I not been drinking. But I also look at the fact that in the 10 years ahead I can learn and do a lot of things. And I think that I will appreciate them more because of the time I felt I wasted.

I am not very good at meditiating but also want to incorporate it into my life. I just read a very cool thing and have used it a couple of times. Imagine you are a snow globe...all shook up...the flakes are flying everywhere...sit there until the flakes have settled and you will feel much better. For me I imagine all the flakes all over...but in the end...how each and every flake settles to become one layer that creates me...the bad, good and ugly.


Karma

[MyOwnWoman]

Waking up to my self... sucks.

Karma, you remind me of the thought I have in more positive moments - yeah, I've had 42 years of a lot of shit, but fact is, if I take care of myself, I have just as many years left to make of them whatever I choose. Thank you.

[rgb75]

Waking up to my self... sucks.

my own woman
you are not alone, i am 50 years old and feel i have missed a big part of my life. i have many interest and have wasted precious time drinking. i too have a daughter and feel very guilty about letting her down. all i can do is go foward and improve my relationship with her. take one thing at a time. you are maybe trying to change too much at a time. you have already cut down on your drinking. thats a positive thing. hang in there.

[Cinders]

Waking up to my self... sucks.

MOW,

I posted on the "light" thread but I have to say, this post really hit me hard.

Honey, you ARE ONLY IN YOUR EARLY 40S!! You are just BEGINNING!!

I know many out there will laugh at that but I did not even start to become MOW until I was my mid 40s!!

I am not kidding, joshing or making light of it. You are just a "baby."

I am truly sorry about the relationship with your daughter. That is the difficult piece of the puzzle. You need to make that better. Whatever it takes, however, without letting her be the boss. YOU ARE THE BOSS. Period.

I am in my 50s (okay I will be 51 this month) but I can tell you that at the age you are, you are stilll young, have lots of room to GROW, DEVELOP AND BE HAPPY!!

Heck, one of my parent's best friends went to school to become a doctor at 50. He graduated when he was 60!! How cool is that, and he is a practicing doctor to this day.

Do not measure yourself by men, (sorry guys not a sexist thing, I would say the opposite to you, do not measure yourself by women.) Measure yourself by your satisfaction with what you do and how you do it.

Heal your relationship with your daughter. DO NOT LET HER HOLD THE UPPER HAND just because you messed up. You are the MOM and she is the DAUGHTER. You are the authority. I have been there and done that and I, to this day, do not let her, or my son for that matter, try the "trump" card of "you were this..." They both respect me and do not try to manipulate me.

So, MOW, you have come a LONG way since I have been here.

You have a long path to follow and you will do it well.

You are not even middle-aged by today's standards and more importantly, even if you were to die tomorrow, you have DONE SPLENDIDLY, because you have taken on your demons, beat them back and become YOUR OWN WOMAN!!

Love,
Cindi