Need advice -- giving MWO book to friend

[LindZee]

I have a dear friend I?ll call ?Carol?. We met over 30 years ago and had an instant rapport. We lived next door and our kids were the same age, but we really bonded over our love of drinking and that ?mischievous? side it brought out of us when we were together. Eventually she moved away and we haven?t seen each other in over ten years partly due to geography and partly due to the booze-fueled circumstances we always found ourselves in--drunk driving, unexplained bruises and the most horrendous hangovers I've ever experienced --to name a few. Now we keep in touch only through notes in birthday and Christmas cards. But we had one of those friendships where you could go for years wihout talking but when you did, it was like no time had passed at all....I'll always love her dearly and think of her as my best friend.

Last time Carol and I talked on the phone was two years ago. One Sunday morning I called her to wish her happy 50th birthday. She actually answered the phone (unusual for her) and we talked and laughed for hours and she insisted we had to get together. We made tentative plans but my calls and emails to finalize the plans went unanswered. She had been drinking Bloody Mary's so I assume she was drunk and didn?t remember the conversation.

I know in my heart she is still struggling with her drinking problem. She?s been in many messy situations as a result of her drinking and I?m concerned for her health and welfare. She was once diagnosed with bipolar disorder but she wouldn?t take medication because she?d have to quit drinking.

Fast forward to present time. I discovered MWO and with the help of this wonderful community and the supplements and CDs I went through 30 days AF and am now modifying successfully. I want to share my discovery with Carol because I feel that if anything can help her, MWO can.

This is where I need advice. I plan to send her the book for her upcoming birthday. I don?t want to come off as a know-it-all on how to quit drinking. And I don?t want to criticize her or tell her what she should do. Please give me ideas of how to word the accompanying note so I convey my love and concern without sounding critical.

Sorry this is so long. I'd really look forward to your input.

LZ

[Bella]

Need advice -- giving MWO book to friend

Hi Lindzee. If I received the MWO book from a friend I would expect a good explanatory note with it. Perhaps you could talk on the phone first about how it has helped you. See what she says before diving in with the book. It does depend on how sensitive she is. hope this helps. Bella xxx

[MyOwnWoman]

Need advice -- giving MWO book to friend

Lindzee - I'd say talk to her and share YOUR experience... why you wanted to quit drinking, what help MWO has been for you, what your new sobriety is like, now grateful you are for a renewed life, etc. Maybe write it in a letter... that way when she reads it a possible immediate reaction of defensiveness has nowhere to go and she can openly get what you are saying and maybe reflect on it.
And if I may further offer... I'd give her another gift for her birthday, and send the book and a card without attachment to the birthday. Such a 'gift' could be a real downer on a b-day, and if it is a downer for her the most beneficial effect may not come to pass.

[sammys]

Need advice -- giving MWO book to friend

If she has not asked for help or actually said she wants to stop drinking so much I would not go down that road. Just my opinion.

Sammys

[LindZee]

Need advice -- giving MWO book to friend

Bella and Sammy, my friend isn't what I'd call sensitive...she was always very open about her drinking and telling me details about her escapades. We could always tell each other anything so I don't think alcohol problems would be off limits.

MOW --good point about separating the book from her birthday. We don't stay in touch except birthday and xmas cards so I thought I'd just send the book with the card. I'll reconsider that.

I would prefer to call her but she seldom answers the phone...it was very unusual that she answered it that one time. I can understand not answering the phone when you're drunk. I'll try reaching her by phone first but if we do talk there's always the chance she'd forget the whole conversation again. I've sent her emails in the past and got no response either. It's so strange because never forgets my birthday, ever.

Thanks for your replies. Anyone else...can you help me find the right words, something that would get through to you in the same circumstances?

[Preciouspinot]

Need advice -- giving MWO book to friend

I also had a "partner in crime" that I thought would get alot out of the book and the program. I talked about the web site and supps but, in VERY broad strokes. She never took interest and never pursued the subject. I mention it in passing from time to time but, she is clearly not ready and our friendship has shifted as my priorites have shifted. Sorry, I could not be of more help.

[The Londoner]

Need advice -- giving MWO book to friend

Hi Lindzee

I definitely agree with whoever said don't give the book as a b'day present! On the other hand maybe its the kinda shock tactic that is required? You know her best, gotta trust your instincts.

Is it practically possible to meet with your friend and do you reckon you are at the stage where you feel strong enough to not drink/drink moderately in her company? Sort of living testimony to the MWO programme you want her to consider?

Failing that, get her on the phone. Send her a letter, tell her you've been thinking of her, can she call you for a chat? Try to arrange a time when she is not drinking as you talk.

I have a good friend, we talk on the phone but I haven't seen her since going AF. Reason being, when I mention my not drinking, she says, "I wouldn't want to do that, I like my wine too much". Yeah, right. I can hear her slurping wine as we speak, just like I used to. I'm so glad I no longer embarrass myself through drink and dial! But I'm going to see her this week as I really like her and I want her to see me "well" and able to truthfully say "I like my....being sober!"

Lindzee, dear heart, I think a lot of people out there could do with friends like you and you will find your own way to reach out to your best friend.

love from
Anna :h

[LindZee]

Need advice -- giving MWO book to friend

Pinot and Anna, your experiences made me realize it's probably naive of me to assume Carol is eager to stop drinking, will welcome the book with open arms, get sober and not look back. So, I will send her the usual funny birthday card with an update on my life and that will be that for her birthday.

But I do intend to keep trying to reach her by phone until she finally answers. I know once we start talking the right words will come. I just think MWO is the best thing and I want to shout it from the rooftops but I'll keep it to myself until the right opportunity. In time maybe she'll come around. I'm not so sure about meeting in person though...Carol + me + booze = trouble.

Anna, what a nice thing to say. You always write such thoughful insightful posts :h

[memarcie]

Need advice -- giving MWO book to friend

LindZee, when you give her an update on your life. You can mention that you've found a great program to help you with your drinking. Don't mention anything about her drinking, unless you feel a need too, but just say how much better you feel after you've found this program or something like that. That opens the door for her to ask you about it if she is ready.

[MyOwnWoman]

Need advice -- giving MWO book to friend

LindZee, I think that when you do talk to her it is of utmost importance to talk about MWO and sobriety from YOUR point of view. Tell her your experience. Don't once use the word "You." It could sound like judgment and just make her defensive and block you out.

[MyOwnWoman]

Need advice -- giving MWO book to friend

Ha - memarci - we posted the same thoughts at the same time...

[Hannah]

Need advice -- giving MWO book to friend

Hi Lindzee!

I agree with what a few people have said - you will have to just wait for the right opportunity when you are actually talking to her, and tell her about your own experiences. You know yourself that no one could force you to want to quit drinking, she has to be ready to make that committment on her own. If you are lucky, and the moment is right, you may be able to tell her about your own experinece at MWO, and get a positive reception. Sadly, it's not really likely. But doesn't mean that you can't feel the conversation out and see if there is a good moment....

In my own experience, sometimes you old friends can never share your new lifestyle. Sad, but true.

[memarcie]

Need advice -- giving MWO book to friend

MyOwnWoman;220775 wrote: Ha - memarci - we posted the same thoughts at the same time...

Great minds think alike.

[lushy]

Need advice -- giving MWO book to friend

I had the same situation as PP. Told a friend of mine about this program, who frankly could use it more than I can, and she flat out just said, "glad it works for you, I am not interested." But if your friend sees and hears you are doing so well she might be curious and want more information.

[trixietrack]

Need advice -- giving MWO book to friend

MyOwnWoman;220774 wrote: LindZee, I think that when you do talk to her it is of utmost importance to talk about MWO and sobriety from YOUR point of view. Tell her your experience. Don't once use the word "You." It could sound like judgment and just make her defensive and block you out.

I agree wtih mow, it's a touchy situation, she might be ready, but at the same time she might not be open to it.
tell her how you are doing, and how you found MWO, and watch and listen to her reaction, that will give you clues, if you meet in person and she seems curious, you can give her the book.
be well

Trix