Accutely Intoxicated on Alcohol Prescription Drugs
Deep Feelings About This
I originally posted this on the subscriber's board because it is so deeply personal and disturbing to me. But I decided to re-post it here also because I think it is important for me to get this off my chest.
I have hesitated to respond to any of the posts about Carol because it is so painful to me I can barely talk about it, even here. As went Carol, so could I have gone so many times. Her story is so painful for me to hear. It strikes through my heart into my very core - few things affect me this way.
I almost feel myself as her in that airport - panic attack - psychosis - I was very psychotic during my drinking years - intense paranoia and fear - hallucinations. I have been there my friends many times. One is not able to make rational decisons. Not at all. One is drowning, smothering, shaking, gasping for any bit of air and the only thing one has to hang onto at those times is one sip, one drink. Been there done that I'm sorry to say. It is not a craving like I sit there at night and want a drink. It can be a totally psychotic and overwhelming need like a need for air. I know. I have felt it. That is a total physical dependence and unfortunately sometimes some of us get to that state. There is no more decision making at that point. It is pure survival from one second to the next because you really believe you are dying - you really do. Some of you have been there and you know what I am talking about. I cry for her because I truly feel that she was there and it probably wasn't the first time for her. She was alone and afraid and powerless and she needed help.
I cry because she was alone and she should have never been alone. I cry because she needed help and all she got was handcuffs and isolation. I cry for her children. I cry for a life that was trying to save itself but couldn't find the support it needed even when it cried out for it so loudly. She was drowning and they threw her an anchor.
No one really understands this problem. None of us. Except maybe RJ who has put herself out there for us to tell the world what we are about and to give us a place where we will not be alone and not be thrown an anchor.
We can honor Carol's memory and help RJ in her work. We can try to help people understand this condition and not to throw us all into AA like they used to throw lunatics into an asylum.
Sorry if I got too carried away here. Forgive me. It's how I feel.
Deep Feelings About This
I originally posted this on the subscriber's board because it is so deeply personal and disturbing to me. But I decided to re-post it here also because I think it is important for me to get this off my chest.
I have hesitated to respond to any of the posts about Carol because it is so painful to me I can barely talk about it, even here. As went Carol, so could I have gone so many times. Her story is so painful for me to hear. It strikes through my heart into my very core - few things affect me this way.
I almost feel myself as her in that airport - panic attack - psychosis - I was very psychotic during my drinking years - intense paranoia and fear - hallucinations. I have been there my friends many times. One is not able to make rational decisons. Not at all. One is drowning, smothering, shaking, gasping for any bit of air and the only thing one has to hang onto at those times is one sip, one drink. Been there done that I'm sorry to say. It is not a craving like I sit there at night and want a drink. It can be a totally psychotic and overwhelming need like a need for air. I know. I have felt it. That is a total physical dependence and unfortunately sometimes some of us get to that state. There is no more decision making at that point. It is pure survival from one second to the next because you really believe you are dying - you really do. Some of you have been there and you know what I am talking about. I cry for her because I truly feel that she was there and it probably wasn't the first time for her. She was alone and afraid and powerless and she needed help.
I cry because she was alone and she should have never been alone. I cry because she needed help and all she got was handcuffs and isolation. I cry for her children. I cry for a life that was trying to save itself but couldn't find the support it needed even when it cried out for it so loudly. She was drowning and they threw her an anchor.
No one really understands this problem. None of us. Except maybe RJ who has put herself out there for us to tell the world what we are about and to give us a place where we will not be alone and not be thrown an anchor.
We can honor Carol's memory and help RJ in her work. We can try to help people understand this condition and not to throw us all into AA like they used to throw lunatics into an asylum.
Sorry if I got too carried away here. Forgive me. It's how I feel.
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