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**charlee** · November 14, 2007, 08:31 AM

What's my deal!!!

Gumby
Looking at the big picture is what held me back from go AF. I too kept thinking what my life would be like as I was a daily drinker for many years. I could not get the thought out of my head....I was getting nowhere..just kept procrastinating...and torturing myself. I decided to do the ODAT route, knowing I would worry about today and today only. If I wanted to drink tomorrow I could, but I chose to focus on "just today"...My today's have lead to a string of 10. I am choosing not to drink today, tomorrow who knows!!!!

**free bird** · November 14, 2007, 08:37 AM

What's my deal!!!

Oh Gumby,

What I want to say to you is give yourself some slaps on the back for the achievements that have come your way. Not drinking wine for a month is really something to be proud of at this stage I think. Just the fact you are thinking about your life in a better way is something to give yourself some credit for too. It just takes alot more time than we want it to. I don't think not drinking is like a light switch you can just turn off because you want to and desire it. Duh...or it would be simple. And nothing worth anything is simple.

That peace of mind that we believe comes with total sobriety is for sure real (for the most part). But deep down (sometimes) maybe we put to much pressure on sobriety. When we are disappointed that our world has not changed completely for the better feel somewhat betrayed....and back we go....like I said, it just takes time.

It is an emotional roller coaster that is for sure.....Keep on keeping on. Please don't be so mad at yourself.

GO

**satori** · November 14, 2007, 10:22 AM

What's my deal!!!

Hey Gumby,

Well done on the progress so far - something to be proud of.

It took a good long while for me even after I arrived here to finally commit to going AF.
I was scared to imagine life without alcohol too - the big picture was too much and seemed impossible.

I was moderating quite well and coming on here as much as I could to soak up the vibes!
But while moderating - I was still obsessing about alcohol, it was still in my thoughts all the time, it was still exhausting having to plan when and where to drink and manage the guilt that i wasn't moderating "enough" when the moderation started slowly creeping upwards again.

I woke up one morning after about 4 months here - and it WAS like some kind of "switch" had been thrown. I just "KNEW" at that point that I was done with all the hassle and the sh*t that came along with drinking - either excessively OR in moderation.

I seriously put it down to simple awareness. Being here and talking to people struggling to control their drinking - and reading the successes of those who HAD quit successfully had slowly worked itself into my dense brain - there WAS another way to live.

I "signed up" for a 30 day AF challenge - really to see if it was possible or not.

That was 119 days ago.

It was the best decision I ever made in my whole life.
I love being AF - it is NOT sad, it is NOT boring - it is much more fun that the life I had before.
I do exactly the same things as I did before - the only difference is that there is no ethanol in the drinks I have - that is all!

The secret I believe is to immerse yourself here posting and reading as much as you can. Read the success stories, read how happy these folks are, read about the slips and failures - see how annoyed THESE people are. Absorb all the information you can.
One day (why not today?) - try to go totally AF for a day - do it 10 minutes at a time if that is what it takes.
If you can do it for 1 day - hell - if you can do it for 1 minute - you CAN do it for good.

I wish you all success - beating this addiction IS possible and it IS possible to be happy, and live life to the full without alcohol.
I KNOW - I am doing it!

You used the word peace - yes it IS peaceful here.
No guilt, no self loathing, no hangovers, no lying, no worrying about my health, no worrying if people at work will find out, no worrying what effect it is having on my kids etc etc etc - all in all - a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Try it - you would love it!

Love

Satori
xxx

**PeggySue** · November 14, 2007, 10:33 AM

What's my deal!!!

Satori,
I read all your posts and find you so inspirational. Gumby, I just came back to this site and like you I don't know if I am a newbie or a failure too. I share your emotions down to the letter. I have not been able to be AF since I started back on the site last week, but I come here and read and read. By doing this, I don't feel like I am crazy. Satori is right, that I know life would be peaceful if I could quit. But like you I can't imagine a life without my wine. Does that mean I don't have the will to change?

Hang in there...we're all trying too and you are not alone.

**trixietrack** · November 14, 2007, 11:48 AM

What's my deal!!!

the way they say that becoming addicted to alcohol is progressive, I think getting off of it is a similar process.

first you don't want to admit to having a problem.

then you admit to having a problem.

you try different ways to consume or not consume.

this may work for a period of time.

then you feel bad about yourself and say who cares I am a drinker for F#$##$ck sake. you feel bad.

then you try another way, while telling yourself all sorts of deceiving things . like how boring it will be to not have my drinks or my drinking rituals.

you stop you start, so on and so on.

some people may actually experience some trauma around drinking that makes them stop.

others just decide one day after trying for a while to just stop.

it is not simple or easy.

**MorningGirl** · November 14, 2007, 01:41 PM

What's my deal!!!

Well Gumby, let me introduce myself, I am your twin. I joined MWO the first part of October when I was experiencing the most terrible hangover I have ever had. It was so bad that I was afraid to drive to work that moring, still feeling a little drunk, shaking and it even affected my vision. With all that I was experiencing, I was determined to not drink again. I have tried to quit dozens of times since, the most AF days has been 3.

Last night I tried to analize my buzz after drinking a vodka martini. I really didn't think it was all that great. It's just not the same anymore. If I have 2 drinks, not matter if it is straight up or mixed, wine, whatever, I feel bad the next day. It use to take @ least 4 drinks to make an icky hangover the next day.

I havn't posted lately because I feel like such a failure. But after reading your post and all the wonderful replys, I have a reason not to drink today. I want to feel like Satori. What an inspiration he has been.

We CAN do this, let us try together........................Okay?

Love and prayers,

Theresa

**Taking Control** · November 14, 2007, 02:28 PM

What's my deal!!!

Ditto to what Satori and Trixitrack wrote. Like Trixitrack said "the way they say that becoming addicted to alcohol is progressive, I think getting off of it is a similar process".

I think the 'idea' of quitting needs to cook and simmer inside ones head for a good period of time. Even though you may still be drinking it is so important to come here on a regular basis and read and read and read. At some point it is bound to make sence and you will start stringing AF days together. The important thing though is to keep the desire to quit active in your brain.

I don't know if I made any sence at all to you. I just know that is how I quit smoking cold turkey 16 years ago. To quit smoking is something that I wanted for years and failed many times. But I kept thinking to myself over and over again how I wanted to quit and what the benefits would be. Then one day I set my sights on a larger goal (to become pregnant) and just quit. I think I was successful because my brain was willing to accept the change and I had my eyes on the prize.

My best to you.
tc

**Gumby** · November 14, 2007, 04:41 PM

What's my deal!!!

Thank You everyone your thoughts are inspirational, I knew there was a reason I wanted to post again!! Feelin Better....

**Guest** · November 14, 2007, 05:11 PM

What's my deal!!!

Satori , I couldnt agree with you more ,what you have said about constantly obsessing about alchol is exactly why I hate it so much (or one of the main reasons anyway) .I seem to plan every day around it ,like if ive an early morning appointment on a saturday or something my first thought is shit! ill have to watch what I drink on friday night ,or if I have to go to a school play it would be shit I cant have a drink till 10pm or something ,and I will spend all day arguing with myself about whether I will drink or not tonight ,and 6 out or 7 days I will drink anyway!!!w.t.f.!!!!And also I can totally understand about the bad influence on the kids ,I have 4 but I worry most about the influence I have on the girls . It would break my heart to see them drink the way I do . Thank you for your clarity of thought about alcohol ,you are truly an inspiration to me .Thanks for your kind words on the other thread too.Gumby ,good luck to you ,you will do it ,im sure .Im on day 11 and im very happy about it.

**Reenie** · November 14, 2007, 09:42 PM

What's my deal!!!

Welcome Back Gumby! I've been AF over 4.5 months now. Similiar to what Satori said, " I got tired of drinking and all the bull crap that came along with it". Since going AF, I no longer feel burdened. I feel lighter both mentally and physically. I no longer have to worry as to whether or not I have a drinking problem. I have succumed to the fact that I am an alcoholic and I can't drink....not even a drop. I don't know where the one drop will take me. I am free of having to worry about this as long as I decide for that day that I am not going to drink. I no longer feel guilty for what I may have said or done the night before. Nor do I feel guilty for abusing my body with a bottle of wine and pigging out on everything imaginable in my refridgerator. I get a restful night's sleep now and wake up feeling refreshed. No longer do I need eye drops the first thing in the morning, nor do my hands shake and nor my stomach feel queasey. Life without alcohol is GREAT! I'm so happy to read your past AF accomplishments. Knowing that you are back and you are "open" with your feelings, I feel confident you will get a handle on this. -Reenie

**july232007** · November 14, 2007, 10:25 PM

What's my deal!!!

Gumby,

Yes, it is possible and probable to want to quit and not want to for a long time. I know I did for three years. I liked the idea of AF but I was afraid of the practice.

Give yourself time and space. Try not to be too critical of your actions.

Best of luck.

July

Day 111 AF

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