A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

[Finding My Self]

Please can I drop in for a bit of a MWO 'cuddle' tonight?

Just had a weird few days...and today felt really good about how life was begining to go....and that's what I am trying to remember... But met the one and only girlfriend I have down here for coffee....she suddenly said, "I am so glad you gave it all up...", "?" I said....,"Well, you know....got things together...now you're not drinking I can see how bad you were." It was like her voice was coming down a tube at me.... She told me how many people had talked about me and been 'frightend off'....and yet that was when I wasn't drinking crazily, just really, really stressed out with family, men and failing business.... I didn't know she knew anything. (And I know many of you will say that that is what happens in this...but I really had looked at this and thought no-one did...)

I was comforted by her honesty about the fact that it's no good saying don't worry about what people think because, deep down, we all do - it's pretty human to do so!

But now I just feel a bit 'damned if you do and damned if you don't'.... I can't do a thing about anything anyone choses to think about me - none of us can - but I handle this sort of stuff badly.... I am so glad I am sober now but to think it's pointless coz many wont know that and if they do - well, both point the b**** alkie finger don't they? The label I have tried so hard to avoid. I couldn't stop crying and shaking...I 'made myself' ask her more about it and am sorry that she now feels bad for mentioning it (she needn't at all as I told her; I'd rather know actually!) I did use my new found boldness to suggest I couldn't have 'frightened anyone away' as no-one had wanted to be close enough for that since I moved here - part of the 'problem'!

But I am really thrown by this.... back to not knowing who 'knows' and who doesn't, who cares and who doesn't.... I know I go on about this ad nauseam...but with no-one to look to to say, well, at least I've (still or otherwise) got my man/hubby/mum/sister.... only my lovely kids but, you know, you can't 'share' THAT openly with your kids! (I feel really bad tonight about my 'mother'....I am 50 and she is still alive and I wish she wasn't.... what's the point in a mother you've never been able to talk to/turn to/who hurts you if you do.... but we've been there, done that! No comment needed!)

At least I worked out why I really don't work (yet)... might be silly but it really matters to me this.... I daren't go for a job as the form will show I have no driving license and a criminal record. If anyone 'knows' (b***** AA and now son's old school seemingly) then I just daren't risk a 'non-explained' refusal or dismissal or (I know, complete paranoia!) anyone in the job being 'tarred with my brush'..... And to promote my 'real' work (self-employed so cancels out the first two...) woul be great but the same thing applies....
I just want to get the hell out of this place to somewhere that no-one knows me and start again. If I'm turned down/cut out at least I'll know it's not 'this label'..... And now I know AA call it 'doing a geographical'.....grrr. Bu**er them....it would be just a new start..is that sooooh bad?

Oh, how I wish there was someone I could be totally honest with who has loved me all my life/for a very long time and who might just say, "I still love you no matter what..." No pity. No feeling they ought to. But the aunt and cousin I think feel like that - well, I don't know they know that much and I daren't 'tell' them becauseif they don't know...and I tell them and I lose them too - well, I think that would be it. I couldn't bear it. And yet it seems like unless I actually 'come clean' I will never know if friends are really there still or not....so many have 'gone', I thought from just geographical distance and 'life'...but maybe not....? And I choose not to 'tell all'. I want to keep some sort of dignity.... look forwards...no-one got hurt there, so why 'dig-the-dirt' on myself?

I don't know what I'd do without here - I know you know the horrible feelings that come up around this 'ishoo'.... but is there anyone out there here at MWO who feels/has felt like this ever? I know I'll 'feel better in the morning' but just now I needed to have a bit of a dump about it....(and of course it' miles longer than I intended... sorry). This keeps reaing its ugly head and I have to get to the bottom of how I really feel - it seems I am in some sort of denial...but really, I accept I went to a stupid, horrible, crazy place....put myself'down the drain'. But I came here and stopped...will I ever be able to get away from that or will 'life' keep reminding me and pulling me back there to beat me up about it? My own memories...well, I just have to deal with them and am quite grateful for them really - they remind me to look after myself a bit more, to not let the bottle win and to go on sorting out my historical muck.... but other people doing it?.....Don't like it. (e.g. could this actually be the reason I seem to have 'lost' my beloved elder daughter just now? Has her new hubby got 'differing ideas' about my 'drinking period'? She has told him I know..... I hate this not knowing stuff...I wish she'd say if it is...

Thanks for lettig me 'dump' - I know it's probably just hormones and things...but my middle daughter's out tonight and it's a bit of an 'on-my-own-so-hard-to-stop-thinking-about-it'..... keeping busy but hoped you'd agree it's better to dump than fester... It's just hard to keep the old chin up sometimes I guess!!

Blessings to MWO - The Tribe of Unsung Heroes!
Thanks FMS x

[beatle]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

Whew! First thing that comes to my mind is-- why don't you go ahead and move somewhere else... make a fresh start? It sounds like you are in a bad place, a rut, and your past is holding you down.

Perhaps you can't because of your kids? If not, how long until you can?

I have a friend who did just that. She lived in Northern England, had a rocky past, fixed herself up, but couldn't "live down" her past, so as soon as her daughter finished school, she just left. She is happily liviing in another place now in the South. Is this a possibility for you?

[lushy]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

I am sorry that information was given to you because sometimes ignorance can be bliss, but now that you have the information you need to just try and let it go. You could be looking at one person wondering, "do they think that of me?" and be totally off base and consuming your mind with energy draining thoughts. I know it is easier said than done because I would be feeling like you are, but just do the best you can. You are not that person anymore, remember that. And be very proud of yourself.

[Saint Jude]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

FMS, You can't change the past. All we have is the present & a hope for the future...

I don't think your "friend" can speak for a whole community. Sounds to me like maybe she's got some issues of her own.. maybe she's just a bit too interested in taking & sharing your inventory with others...
I think I'd be VERY careful what else I share with her. I do hope I'm wrong. But one person cannot speak for a whole village. (Unless of course she's Lushy..LOL:H )

Try not to take everything to heart, it's only coming from one source.....No?

Remember, you're a wonderful person. You deserve wonderful things.
Try & focus on that.
I know it's easier said than done sometimes...:h
Love ya!
:l
We are ALL works in progress! (even those that don't know it yet!)

[lorisunshine]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

Finding myself,
I love you, no matter what....
Very big HUG
Lori

[satori]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

Oh FMS, we can do cuddles! Cuddles in fact, are our speciality!
:l :l :l :l

And - WE love you - just the way you are!
How many people in your village can claim to be loved by people worldwide!

You are not "that" person now - all you need to do is hold your head up and be proud.
You are taking control of your life.
Be confident, look everyone in the eye and simply show them all by your actions that that person is in the past.

I guarantee if you do that - you will not be the topic of any conversations for long.
Someone else will take your place - and you will be old news.
I know what village life is like - I grew up in one!

I know you take this stuff to heart - so forgive me if I sound harsh here - but we ALL (the human race in general!) need to "get over ourselves".

We all worry far too much about what we think everyone else is thinking about us.
At the end of the day - what others think or say can not hurt us.

Only WE can hurt ourselves by giving it any importance, dwelliing on it and mentally "Bigging it up!"

Let it go - and f*ck em!



Love

satori
xxx

[Finding My Self]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

Oh, thank you so much....Beatle, yes, that's the plan next year....I have to wait for daughter#2 to finish college....June/July. She wants to wait until Uni in September but I've said that'll be a friend's floor then as I'm looking for July/Aug and she's cool with that. Both kids can't wait to get out of here too!

Lushy - thanks for saying (a) you'd feel it too...helps to know I'm not alone! And (b) reminding me to keep letting it go....

Judie - True....I think this pal is OK but...well, yes, you never know and perhaps a 'kept counsel' is the best way! And, yes! Even I'm not so paranoid, come to think of it, to think the entire town is 'in the know'!!! (well, mostly I'm not!)

Lori - that's just lovely.....a lovely hug! I needed that!

Dear Satori!! Cross posted here.....thank you! I am suitably cuddled!! (for now!.... lol) You?! Yes, I guess I am just unrealistic and want to pretend I was never that person.....which is daft!! Time will do its healing over.....my old 'take the time it takes' I guess! But a new place will help.... Yup, spot on....! Letting go, F***ing 'em (!?!?!) and not bigging it up so much any more....

I'll get there....wherever that is! I bought new slim jeans and boots and a lovely new coat today....and I'm going to wear them with pride for me. I, undlerlined and in bold, know I've lost weight just cos I do that about every 5 years and not because of stopping drinking....i.e. my weight loss isn't 'another' proof of a murky past.... I know that I'm just lucky and 'they' can presume all they like!! I bought a new 'sensible' jackety thing and 'work-boots' last year when I lost my licence....they're going to Charity now; they remind me of that awful time and I've moved on....to fashionable, feminine and 'classy' (not expensive! I like a bargain!) and I'm glad I still feel I 'deserve' them.... is that good?

Thanks again for reading.....and sending your messages.
FMS xx :h

[beatle]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

That's great that you have a plan. Just keep it in mind all the time, and as the others here have said-- Look them in the eye and hold your head high.

[nancy]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

Harsh conversation

Boy that sure does sound like a harsh conversation. I think that the reality is that friendships have limitations, even in the best of circumstances. It would be nice to think that friendships are very caring and deep and last through sickness and health. But I don't think most friendships have that kind of depth. Myself, I have a lot of empathy for someone who is self-destructing. I don't judge them. But I also realize that it's a hard problem for a friend or even someone closer to witness and stand by.

I think it would be wise for you not to solicit this information in the future as it sounds like you are still vulnerable. maybe when it is all water under the bridge, a distant memory, you can ask people to recount stories about how f***** up you used to be (if you want to torture yourself!). How do you feel about yourself? do you have compassion for yourself, despite all you have been through? and can you share that compassion with others who have weaknesses? That's what really counts. As for family relationships, I think that this complete everlasting love thing is also hard to find. Family relationships are often ambivalent, involve love and hatred, trust and disappointment, connectedness on one level and complete distance on another.

So one question I have for you is, are your expectations realistic? And the job issue is important too. Does a drunk driving record ruin your job chances? I think probably people who are not alcoholics have DUIS. Maybe you should contact a human resources person or career counselor for some good advice about how much employers care and how to handle questions. Don't assume this is going to ruin your chances. And maybe you can get some casual, freelance, contract work to prove you are reliable.

good luck, focus on the futhre, and above all, take care of yourself.

Nancy

PS, what is doing a geographical?

[july232007]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

FMS,

After all the support you have given here it just kills me to think that people could cause you so much pain. Satori is right. Forget them.

Look yourself in the eye as you head out the door and know the person you are today, now. Be that person.

You have so many people who are fiercely behind you and care for you: count me high on that list.

So, from the hills of Scotland to the mountains of East Tennesse, at least, you have strong willed friends who are with you right now.

July

[panadol]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

Hugs from down under

Can I send hugs to you too from this corner of the world?
Youre such a lovely person - Always read and love your posts.
You have a very caring and sensitive nature not seen too often
these days!
I can relate to how you are feeling. Satoris advice sounds
just the business! Hold your head high wearing your lovely
new jeans and boots! Thoses sorts of people are not worth
the effort of caring about!
Pan

[Skid Row]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

Just a little note to Finding myself, you have more friends on one page, than I have on a page or in real life. All these people on here who are supporting you, clearly respect you greatly. Stuff the nasty people, and enjoy the good ones.

[hart]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

(((FMS)))

Hon. Stop over-thinking things. I too have issues, me with my dad. Won't/aren't going to change that. Our own reasons.....eh?

Some friends luv us unconditionally. Our past can't be changed. If that is effecting our outlook.......what possible thing can we do?

You are luved and understood here at MWO.

What you do in so-called "real life", is up to you.

You are a big girl....you know the answer to you proposed questions.

Take care sweetie. It is hard (I know personally) when one knows one's own answer.:l

[wakupmom]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

Hi FMS,
Just found your thread,and can't really add much more other than OK you were in a bad place,but hey you sorted it out.Now i'd call that couragious and be very proud of yourself!
Sending you a specail hug xx
Good for you for treating yourself you deserve it x

[slightlysuze]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

FMS...you're a lovely, special person and I'm sending you a massive hug from here :l

Don't let the emmetts grind you down! LOL


Suze x