A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

[Finding My Self]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

Aaagh! Just finishing my reply/thanks....gone! Down the plug-hole in the ether! I shall just focus on the great fact that, even with 'hormones', I am typing again, calmly because what else can I do?! It went and there is no point in getting upset. I am saying this because it is sooooooh different from the past! It would have - I would have let it! - wreck my entire Saturday!! (And everyone elses!) so...............take 2!!

Um, yes, that's me Hart! Think too much!! And yes, but why does it get so hard when we do know our own answer!?! Weird isn't it!

WUM and Panadol- thanks!

Skid - hello and thank you....I hope you find as many lovely friends as I have been blessed with here...not many posts....Welcome. And from England...

July - thank you....you so often have posted incredible one-liners to me...I have printed lots off (e.g. around the end of me and David etc) Ones that keep my mind steady (er!) And again now. I am honoured to be on the list!

Nancy - thank you...a chunky post! You're spot on about soliciting info....I think it was the fact that I have been cautious about it and yet this statement from this lass just came at me out of the blue! I feel a certain gratitude for it - she meant well and certainly didn't say it loudly or triumphantly...and I didn't acutally feel in any way patronised. I don't know I would have done any better (except to keep quiet!) if I'd said something to someone else before knowing the things we here know! People might all have 'something going on in their mind about alcohol' but have no idea of the size of the alcohol iceberg!!

I found this last night on another forum I only peruse; MWO is where it is at for me! (QI : Quite Interesting) It helped remind me that beaurocracy (which I loathe with a passion!) is just bl**dy red tape in plain english! And I wrote at the end, "Remember beaurocracy...it is never personal"... but it does highlight the hidden rulings in this country...and many others.

"went out for a cig at lunchtime and chatted with a mate who is stressed at the fact that she may be struck off the GTC (general teaching council) register for having a drunk driving charge. doesn't matter that she is an exemplary teacher. Cooked dinner, walked the wolf and sat now reflecting on the negatives (of today)..the inhumanity of beaurocracy that can rob a brilliant teacher of her career..."

But if I can get back to my qualification...I will be self-employed and my own counsel... I can chose where and which forms I fill in and will have some sort of 'control' over beaurocracy...for the time being anyway; it creeps inexorably closer to us all!! And if I am back nearer 'home' where none of the past few years is known....I am just known as the teacher I want to return to being (only a bit shinier now !!!)

BTW - a 'geographical' is what people often go on about in AA - moving around, often frequently, to escape either a murky past or a murky present! I see it as sensible in my case - not running away. Perhaps it would be if everything special for me was here - but it isn't so.....!

Thanks for helping me to see that my ideal of having anyone - let alone loads of people! - know me inside out, warts and all, and yet always seeing me in a good light and loving me is as realistic as holding back or pushing the waves of the ocean! And if I do that to them, what a responsibility I heap on them! I had a favourite book on Gestaldt once, "Don't Push the River" by Barry Stevens....must dig it out! Still have much to learn on the subject......!
So, I shall sit with my knowledge and my own mirror (which I trust in fact) and you guys' understanding and carry on improving my quiet dignity..... (oh, lordy lordy?!?!?!?! Well, it's a good plan, eh?!)

Right, I'll try to hit the right button this time....!

And Suze- thanks!!! (cross posted!) You're spot on; you know this county...a massive tiny village eh?!?!? Gossipville!

Love and grateful hugs
FMS xx :h

[Finding My Self]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

BTW!!!..........."...my ideal of having anyone - let alone loads of people - know me inside out, warts and all, and yet always seeing me in a good light and loving me is as realistic as holding back or pushing the waves of the ocean..."

This sounds really arrogant! Not meant to be! I mean, I 'should' be able to 'be me' such that people never have feel anything other than positive things if I'm in the picture at all...bl**dy hell!....that's my mum's bringing up for you! Heavyyyyyyyy!

[janka]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

FMS, you are a treasure!!!! Remember that. Know that people do not t hink about us as much as we think they may ... usually they are too absorbed in their own issues and needs. Hold your head high, move onward and upward, and know that we all care very much about you. Take good care, J

[nancy]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

Well, I am glad at least to hear that your friend was not deliberately trying to hurt you. I hope my post did not sound too cynical. I think that I have tried to downsize my expectations of people, and have had exactly the kind of longing you have had (to have people love you warts and all!). There are some people out there like that but I don't think it is the norm.

And let's face it, people do some nasty things when they are drunk, say mean things, be indiscreet. Some even become physically violent. And others need to stick by all that and say it's ok? Must be tough. Also, I think people are wrapped up in their own lives for the most part and don't usually want to take on additional problems.

Generally, I think the best we can do for others when we love people but feel ambivalent is to try to encourage their good sides but we don't have to tolerate the horrible bits (let's say if someone is abusing you for example). And we need to be accept our own weaknesses and work to correct them. And when you do better, focus on that. I think one of the biggest obstacles to beating this problem is lack of self-esteem, a feeling that this is the way we are and habituation to darkness. So in my opinion, it's essential for recovery that you like yourself and genuinely wish yourself well, regardless of the past.

I do think people with depth and maybe their own personal battles may be understanding to you. AA could provide that of course but it can be dogmatic. So maybe this website will be of comfort. I hope it will be.

And doing a geographical? I don't see what is wrong with that if you live in a small place.
hee hee, but as i recall there is a self-help book called: Wherever you go, there you are...
That makes me laugh.

I am sad to hear of the teacher. I didn't realize drunk driving records could have that kind of impact. I think those who have records though should be thankful that no one was killed. What a lifelong burden that would be! We had a thread once about the moderation management founder who was in a terrible drunk driving car crash.

[Finding My Self]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

Nancy - thanks....no, you weren't too cynical! And, yes, I agree when there is grounds for a serious, correct criminal record for certain things....fortunately (and a bit of blatant self-defence here...but why not I guess!) I was over the limit but commended for my safe driving....the cops just needed one more 'take' before they knocked off at 23.00hrs. I got done at 22.55... (They can just stop anyone they like here in the UK during December for no reason...) quite right I lost my licence but...well, say no more.

And, yes, I know that book.....a very good and true title!!

Thanks guys.... I got asked to sing in a concert tonight...by a group laughing and joking and including me (not about me!) about drinking and partying etc....just light and normal...but I guess they wouldn't do that with me if they thought....? So...yea!

Off to get changed and cook us a quick meal....singing and a bring-your-own-(AF!)-bottle-party after!!!

Hugs FMS xx

[weemelonhead]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

Hi sweetie....have just read this thread through from the beginning and have felt your mood lift with each post you have left......
Dearest, it's always a shock at first...finding out that others are only too well aware of what we think we have so succesfully hidden....it brings up a horrible mix of feelings...guilt, sadness, embarrasment, anger.......but then things like this will happen all through life...what matters is how we react to the information we have been given...
You have come out trumps....you've thought about it...asked for help and support...listened to some fabbie, fab caring and helpful ideas from the mwouters and reacted positively..
Good on you sweetie....information like this can knock you for 6 or make you stronger...and it sounds like you've just got a whole new six pack!!! Atta girl....now THAT is the way to move forward.....
Someone did exactly the same to me a few years ago....I unfortunately did not react as well as you have done, and just got angry...VERY angry....(fuelled...I might add....by the fact that I knew that everything I was being told was true, but to admit it, meant changing my drinking....something I did NOT want to do)....I have since e-mailed the friend who talked to me that night and apologised profusely for my vile reaction...and also thanked her for her honesty, in what must have been a very awkward situation for her.....everything she said was because she cared.....

Life, and the people in it, will always hand you stuff....some you like...some you're not so keen on....try and use as much of it as you can to your advantage though as you seem to have done so successfully here....

Get those vocal cords warbling......................knock 'em dead FMS.....for all the right reasons.....

Enjoy the concert sweetie....and be proud of yourself.......I wish I'd had your sense when I was in this situation..

GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[weemelonhead]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

oh...and the geographical thingie?????
Moving is not always about running from the past...it can also be about starting a positive new future.....
Hoping you are happy wherever you are dear....
xxx

[Hannah]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

Hey, Finding - so glad you are going out tonight, and can have some good AF fun, and lay those insecurities to rest. See? You do have friends, and people who love you, in real life as well (for sure) as on these boards.

[FinallyRN]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

I'm sorry

I just joined today and wrote down my story. As I was surfing the entries I stopped on yours and read it.
I sponsor a woman recovery home locally. I had a friend graduate from there. We had been drinking buddies for 10 years. A true solemate in every sense of the word. I hadn't seen her for 2 years when we bumped into each other at a fund raiser for the home. She could hardly look at me. She was so ashamed. We had done EVERYTHING together and laughed at it the next morning, excited for the next time. Turns out she has no reculuction of many of our evenings. She feels she lost 5 years due to being in a perputual state of elibriation. She couldn't walk away from me fast enough........I was devastated. She has totally isolated herself, doesn't answer my calls.
I decided for me, I had to face everyone. That meant people at work, my family...........you made me laugh when you said you didn't realize how many people were aware of your problem.....neither did I!! Its funny how you SWEAR you're OK and the next morning you know you're really not. I almost changed my job because my boss and I kissed at a X-mas party!!!!! I can't tell you how painful it was to show up at work the next day.......I wouldn't have been so embarrassed if he at least been good looking! Maybe would have gotten more kudos instead of the pity look.
It gets better, it really does. I hope this helps......I'm not trying to give you an answer just some company. I know you know we've all been there.

[Finding My Self]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

Guys...just a quick, yea! Singing lovely...helping out in the tickets/programmes/clearing up stakes was great...party was excellent... My God, there'll be some think heads in the morning but mine wont be one of them!!! I thought I could drink? (Well, I could!!!) but THAT many empty wine bottles??.....eeek!!! And we left it still in full swing at 1am! I took the glass of champagne offered me when we arrived, started talking (who? me?!?!) and put it down untouched a while later.... my bottle of peach fizzy water was the one testament to the kitchen that any other liquid exists other than alcohol.....!!!

I never would have thought this was possible 6 months ago....MWO is the greatest!

And you guys are the best friends a girl could want! (Hannah-Deb....!!!! Yes, I know...I'm lucky really....!!)

(Met a delicious man tonight......married, but the first guy I've talked to in about 2 years that I've sort of 'looked at', if you know what I mean! I wont 'look more' cos he's not 'free' etc etc but it was an encouraging feeling none the less!!!!!)

Night night....1.30am............zzzzzz!
FMS xx

[weemelonhead]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

lovely post FMS......soooo glad for you and your nice clear mornng head
snogs
weebonehead

[happydog]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

Hi FMS,

You are that strong person hold your head high and enjoy wearing your slim jeans boots and coat. You are not that person no more. when i met you at the resturnat the other week you are such a lovely person that shines, dont let people like that get you down you are better then them a million times over.
Take care.x
Teardrop.

[Finding My Self]

A bit of an MWO 'ear'....again?

Why do I ache to bits this morning then?!?! Not my head, but everywhere else?! I used to presume it was the booze! It seems I am so nervous in a social situation - even if I appear the life and soul and love every moment of it!! And, even though I teach relaxation, secret tension cops me every time! Hey Ho...even more to learn....and if we teach what we most need to learn, I am getting to be a Professor!!!

Now I'm just all wobbly about the 3 day course I shall have to go on next year to get my licence back...posted on UKblonde's thread today....it really scares me to have done all this 'work' and faced forwards to move forwards only to have it all dragged up again in 8 months time....I might feel better about it by then, of course. (But with even more water under the bridge it might be even harder!) One last giant POO on this door step before I scarper anyway!! I know I don't have to come top in the class tests but I've purposely 'forgotten' all the alcohol levels and other stuff.... perhaps I shall just sit in there and cry! A more genuine emotion than the cover of being all buzzy headed, defensive and off-the-wall that becomes me in those situations!!

edit: BTW- hark at my presumption here!!! That all will be well still in 8 months time....I'm not that complacent I can assure you!!! eeek!

Well, it's a long way off yet....I have to book now for June though as there are so many people needing to do this course (Alcohol Awareness Course)...that's scary!

Thanks so much for your ears....I hope you know how much they mean to me.
FMS xxxx :l :h

PS Teardrop - thanks....I do hope you're doing well....you're so lovely! I so enjoyed talking to you and Mr Boop!