Really want to drink.

[AMELIA]

I have just posted this in Starting Out, but really need some support:

Hello All, Day 3 for me and feel OK.

I must admit that I am getting a little nervous about my painting.....I had two new enquiries yesterday (they have both seen my paintings elsewhere) and I keep on having the urge to drink and drink and drink.
I know it is insecurity. I am trying to 'edit' any negative thoughts I am having, but I am really frightened. There you go I have admitted it!!
I am moving out of an area of work (signwriting) that I found soul destroying. However I also knew that I would get all the work I needed from signwriting to stay financially secure. I knew what I was doing etc, etc.
Signwriting has never meant anything to me emotionally. Well apart from the 'perfectionist' in me that wants my work to look perfect and please the client.

Painting is the 'dream' I have always had. I have thought for years and years that I will some day be a great painter. Quite romantic I know, but I have always believed that I would be a 'great' painter......
I go to my studio and freeze. Yet, yesterday I had two new enquiries from clients that have fallen 'in love' with my paintings.
I am looking at past paintings and feel like I have no idea how I managed to paint them.
My god. I can sort of understand how many artists in the past drank themselves silly.
I just don't know why I feel like this??

Thanks for reading my vent.

[beatle]

Really want to drink.

Hi Amelia, I really want to write a long post, I have so much to say in response, but I have to run now. So I just wanted to say good going on 3 days, and I so understand what you are feeling now. I haven't even tried to create totally sober yet. I just can't seem to get the inspiration-- my mind just freezes (and thinks about drinking). So I don' really have any advice, after all. Just commiseration. I hope someone else comes along with advice. Anyway, that's great that you are attracting interest..... that must give you a little buzz?

[paula]

Really want to drink.

Amelia,
you are doing well, just by posting how you feel. If you want to achieve your dream
you would do it so much better without alcohol.
Sending you love and good wishes.
Paula.x

[Guest]

Really want to drink.

Hi Amelia,
I think you`ve hit a kind of crisis point in your mind now that you`ve taken away your booze crutch. The more you obsess about creativity, the less likely you are to be creative. I think you should just relax and be extra kind to yourself just now.Just chill out really and as you become more relaxed being AF and relieved to be done with the sign writing, I`m sure you`ll find your work will flow.

Wishing you loads of success........art is my passion.

Much love,

Starlight Impress x

[beatle]

Really want to drink.

That was a wonderful way to put things in perspective Star... I knew someone could do it. That advice will also help me very much. thank you.

(art is your passion? Do tell!)

[Finding My Self]

Really want to drink.

Hi Amelia!!

Hey.... if there was a word to sum up that I know how you're feeling I'd use it....BIG!

My thoughts are that - something that 'needs creating' (art, music, words) is in us all the time. A lot of us have just used a 'disinhibitor' (booze) to get it out....

But..... (a) there are other (legal!) disinhibitors. (b) to me, 'get it out' improves with 'allow it to come out'....

So, perhaps it means sitting with the "I can'ts" and "What ifs" and "it's sh*ts"..... (need I go on!!!?!) until we get to the real disinhinitor of, "I have something inside me wanting to come out in the form of art/music/song/writing. I may surprise myself at its beauty or it's 'awfulness'...but no body's going to die from this creation. People can criticise or praise - that's their stuff. If I don't like it I can bin it/burn it. (After checking that feeling's real and not just neggy self-bashing!) It was only how it was just now - not how I am through and through as an artist." Then adding in all the other things that went along with the booze - if they did.... for me there was always music (in my head or real). Can you dance the idea first? (Nobody's watching remember!) Have a canvas covered in colour and blobs you just 'get going on top of'..... (not meaning to insult your lovely genre here!! Just 'getting the brush arm going'!) And then "Just (F) Do It" !!!!

The idea is the same - the what's inside. It's only the different way to open the door that's needed. And there are many, many ways to open the door!

I have been amazed at how 'drunk' I can feel when I do what I love - music, art, dance - with my heart and soul. It's like it wasn't the booze after all! It was the creating!! I just didn't think I could do it without... In fact, (if I put my mind to it!) I could do more because I wasn't drunk/hungover! I just had to face the, "Oh Dog, this is rubbish!" feelings in their cold reality rather than think, "Hey this is cool/brill/great" and then look at it in the cold light of day and thhen think, "Um, not so good as last night!!!"

But Amelia...I am not an artist like you...and am not trying to take your line.... honest! It's just that I can see you and your lovely studio up there now! (!!!!) I've seen your postcard...your pics are lovely. Really lovely - why should it be that they are only in you when you're full of wine? They're in you all the time. Just not coming out so easily. Or just in the same way.... but never doubt what's in you. Like the two that want some of your work...as Susan Jeffers say in her book, "Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway" !!!!!!

Right, epistle coming to an end! Honest!

I do relate to looking at past things and wondering how the hell I did/played/sang them!! Also, looking at stuff in my house/studio that I did when p'd....and the guilt and shame that comes up....but that was then and now is now....no point in crying over spilt milk and all that....it was still ME and now I can move into new areas of work/ideas/creativity....and it'll be OK. As long as I go on beleiving in the new me I am discovering....

My dear Aunt wrote a book," Good Words Well Spoken", in which she said two thins that really help me at times..... "If your'e going to be wrong, be wrong at the top of your voice!" and, (which I can't quote in its entirety, or even correctly, today; it's typically not to hand!) "...' self doubt can defeat the speaker from within...so follow the adage 'To thine own self be true'..." (I must find it for you - it is so good! ) Also, an amazing book for 'unlocking' things is, "A Soprano On Her Head - right -side-up reflections on life and other performances" by Eloise Ristad. (Amazon).....based around music but I have used it in different workshops and with 'me' in soooooh many ways!! About making mistakes and loving yourself for it!! (The reason it's called that is because a singer just couldn't get a top note out and suddenly thought about trying it standing on her head.... it worked!! So, paint on your head?!?!)

So, be true to yourself Amelia....and work on/play with the self-doubt....! You can do this - be AF and paint. And if you're rubbish then I'm rubbish for liking you and your paintings!!! And I'm not rubbish!! Nor anyone here!

Hugs love
FMS xxxx

[hippie37]

Really want to drink.

Hi Amelia!

Have a read of this thread https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9...ghlight=trixie

Page 2 is very good and there are some really good posts that I think you will benefit from

Trixie started this thread a while back and I knew I'd read posts concerning the creativity side of people somewhere. dilayne has some rather good viewpoints as well as she is an artist herself.

Hope this helps Amelia!

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[Long Road]

Really want to drink.

My dearest Amelia,

I happen to be one of those strange people who paints, writes short stories, and composes poems: - but I also happen to be a mathematician, economist (don't tell anyone), and above all a computer nerd. Apparently the latter is now something to be proud of; at least I'm not a lawyer!

While I was doing all of this I was also drinking four bottles of wine a day -of course I did; all multi tasking geniuses drink don't they? It stimulates the senses. It frees the mind of bourgeois inhibitions. It unlocks the doors of your prejudices.
It gives you diarrhea.

Dear Amelia, your talent doesn't come out of a bottle. Your soul and your senses reside within you and I can never be taken away, depleted nor destroyed. I also found it very difficult to be creative once I got sober but essentially I think that was because I was just insecure. There was a sureptitious part of me who genuinely believed that it was the booze that was doing the creating; not me.

Believe me my dearest, the talent resides in you not in a bottle.

All love and best wishes,

Davros

[Accountable for Me]

Really want to drink.

Amelia, I know how hard it is to be embarking on such an exciting new phase in your life with the painting and the insecurities that may come with it. Also, being 3 days into your AF is always deemed the most challenging. I think day 3 is when one gets a little ansy about drinking again.

You are doing so well. You have so much to look forward to now with your painting. You are obviously a very talented woman or else you wouldn't have so much early success!! Keep telling yourself you deserve this and this is something you passionately want to do. Don't let the alcohol come in the way of it! Keep going my friend. I am routing for you!!

[Ripple]

Really want to drink.

3 days is a start! keep counting the days and keep busy! tomorrow makes 4....you go girl...you can do it!


Ripple.

[satori]

Really want to drink.

Amelia,

Day 3 is early days - and NOT the time to be worrying about creativity.
Around then is a prime time for doubts and anxieties and all maner of weird stuff to be coming up.

I suggest you deal with getting thru the next couple of weeks AF - and you will have a brand new perspective on everything.

I would never claim to be creative - but as a guitarist - I do try!

I would say that I have improved, both technically and creatively, much more in the last few months since I went AF than I have done in years.

Just my own experience!

AND - you actually have third party confirmation that your talents are good / appreciated.

Hang in there - get, well and the painting will be bursting out!


BTW - Finding - have you somehow gained access to my brain?
I could have written that first large paragraph in your post!

(Dog - I hope you have not got in there - there is stuff in there that just shouldn't be witnessed by any normal sane person! :H )

Love

satori

xxx

[wonderworld]

Really want to drink.

Hey Amelia -
Recovering artist here.
For me:
1) success is more anxiety-provoking than failure.
2) at times (often) a blank canvas/page/whatever causes me panic
3) other people admiring/wanting my work feels like pressure and expectation, even though it feels really good too
4) drinking, a VERY short term "cure", makes all the above completely unworkable in the long run!

And agree with Satori -early days AF can turn any minor anxiety into full blown hysteria.

Have you tried "The Artist's Way " book by julia cameron? If not - it has lots of great ways to support yourself emotionally/creatively. exercises (not just in the studio) and great readings to settle into your creative process. We substance abuse people are not the only ones who suffer from creative terror and paralysis! I have like 3 copies of it - if you want, I'll send you one - just pm me your address.

And lastly - don't sit in the studio and freak yourself out! Go out for a walk, take yourself on an 'artist's date' (from the book) - go somewhere that inspires you that has nothing to do with your "productivity". And write. Write about what you're feeling.

Okay , now really lastly - The creative source within you is infinite and self-existing. You will not 'run out'!

luv wonder xx

[Tigger1]

Really want to drink.

Amelia, your work speaks for itself...........

Don't doubt yourself or your work. You are a creative perfectionist......I guess?

Paint what your customers want, it may not be perfection to you, it will be perfection to the customer...

With or without drink you cannot take away the talent......

Well done on the 3 days,:wd:

Be strong :l
Mr Boop xx

[Reenie]

Really want to drink.

Congrats on 3 days AF! Now that I've been sober for a while, I actually Feel and See things in a whole new perspective. As time goes on, you creativity will shine through in lots of different ways. You will also learn more about yourself and will look forward to experiencing new things each days brings. Also, so true with what Star recently wrote. You are creative by nature. Don't obsesses about your creativty. It's still there. Just be good to yourself and take each day is it comes. Good luck!

[AMELIA]

Really want to drink.

Thank you all for you kind and encouraging responses.
I did actually drink after posting that post, so I did myself no favours whatsoever there. However, I did manage to get through yesterday with an awful hangover, go to the gym and go to bed AF last night. Day 2 today.

I guess I just wanted to point out that my drinking in the studio doesn't lead to work being done (only once have I painted anything whilst drinking wine). I sit there and drink and look at my work and worry...so nothing ends up being done.

Yesterday, I did do some painting however (hangover and all). So it was progress and I think all of your responses helped in one way or another.

Thank you.