Hi

[Bella]

Good morning to you all!

I feel incredibly un-grateful and selfish and all those other self-pitying feelings I get sometimes. I am just writing this as it might make me feel better BUT I don't need anyone to reply and I will be surprised if they do. I mean that. I know you all have your own issues far greater than mine.

As some might know, I suffer from depression and it doesn't matter what good things come my way, I am still painfully aware of sliding down a hole. I don't tell anyone, I just shout at myself and clamber back up quietly. I think my husband is aware of this as I am very un-talkative. (I'm too busy trying to self-counsel!) He goes quiet too and we don't talk. Its horrible but I am unable to express my feelings and fears to anyone. Thats why I'm sitting here typing. Its easy now to speak to all of you faceless kind people.

I went to bed last night, hoping I wouldn't wake up this morning. Selfish I know, I don't need anyone to tell me how happy I should be, expecting a baby soon. This morning I woke up with hells jaws embracing me again. But because I'm me, I just placed my mask on and pretended to be feeling good. Depression is a strange thing. I can see why they call it 'the black dog'! I have been thinking about drinking alot lately. We have nothing in the house to drink except Baileys. So I poured myself 3 huge glasses of that and felt rebellious! The thing is ....when life gets boring, all the excesses get interesting. Thats what I find. I am working on some silk-painting at the moment and I keep looking at it and thinking....later. I can't seem to do anything to make this feeling better. Its like, I'm waiting for it to pass.

When I was taking anti-depressants I was able to cope well but obviously I had to stop them for the babys sake. I think I should take the bull by the horns and go to the GP after I've had the baby and speak my mind. I have to be brave and not feel ashamed of feeling like this. Its too tiring. My poor head is crying out for help and I keep ignoring it.

Thanks for listening....if you are.

Bella xxxx

P.S. I keep a scrap book of things, pictures, words I find interesting.

This is something that I found today that someone wrote.

"Everything that happens to you in your life is there to teach you something, and the awful things will teach you far more than the happy things. The key is to accept what has happened. Then you are free, and you will be ready to cope with the next thing."
I used to drink to deal with all the bad things. Things I can't even talk about to anyone. Maybe because my prop has gone, there is nothing to hide behind, nowhere to escape to. BUT, facing things with a clear head has got to be the only way forward.....hasn't it?

[Skid Row]

Hi

Hi Bella, I know you said you didn't really expect replies, but I read your little note and my heart felt like it would pop. Is this your first baby? When is your baby due? I don't understand or know much about depression, but it sounds painful and hard to deal with. However, you sound aware and strong, and I just wanted to say that I have a friend, who has suffered massively in their life, (she is a bit of religious person with strong beliefs) and she says that God only gives us what we can cope with, please try and stay strong, you sound like you are, my thoughts are with you and your baby. I have two children (they are big now 12 and 10) but I have always said to everyone, that they are the best work I have ever done. No-one can explain the joy having your own child/ren brings, but if your a Mum already, then you'll know all that, and my post will be pointless. Please look after yourself. Love Skid Row (cuddle thro' cyberspace is heading your way).

[Guest]

Hi

Hi Bella,
You`ll be fine........we all will be. Don`t feel guilty for feeling as you do because of the baby.........you matter too......there`s nothing wrong with expressing feelings of unhappiness or despair. And yes, we are listening and we do care.

Since I quit drinking, I have came to realize that drinking was only the symptom that all was not well in my life. Now I think I am facing the REALLY hard work and that is addressing the reasons why I drank.

Yes, like yourself, I have so much in life to be thankful for, but that doesn`t stop me from tumbling into the pits of depression and anxiety from time to time. I do think you need the help of your doc, and I can understand that your treatment options are limited at this time because of the baby.

I always tried to get a grip of the anxiety and depression on my own, but finally realized that I wasn`t coping, so went to the doc for an antidepressant.......unfortunately, I had an allergic reaction to the 1st one, so am just going to start a second drug this week. I also start counselling this week and am so looking forward to having someone to talk to...........

Don`t feel guilty for being depressed........you need a bit of help, that`s all.......nothing to be ashamed of.......you`ll be a better mother for getting that help. I wouldn`t wait until after the baby is born........you`ve been feeling down for a while. I know the doc can`t give you drugs until after the birth, but please, go along and have a chat with him and tell him exactly how you`re feeling. You deserve care and attention too.

We love you.

Starlight Impress x

[beatle]

Hi

Bella, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years. I cannot take traditional antidepressants (SSRIs), so I've been self medicating. Alcohol is not the only thing I've used to self-medicate (but I won't go into that now).

I think depression comes from both a chemical imbalance in your body/brain and your own issues/circumstances, etc. You may need both medicine and counseling to make things better. There are other drugs than the usual antidepressants, maybe some can even be taken while pregnant. For example, I take lithium oratate (not the regular lithium usually prescribed). This is very helpful to me (and millions of others). It actually has a higher rate of succes for mild to medium depression than the SSRIs. It is natural and non-addictive. Maybe you can ask your doctor about that? OR other more gentle, alternatives to anti-depressants.

Meanwhile, hang in there. We all hear you and feel for you-- you are not alone.

Think about the baby, a real person by now, and please don't drink anymore. You have such a short time left. Please do it for the baby, if you can't do it for yourself. I know how hard it is, I've been in your situation, but I kept myself from alcohol while preganant by imagining what it would do to the baby, who has no say in it, and what it would do to the rest of my life if I damaged the child. It's the biggest responsibility in the world. But you can do it.

Keep posting. We're listening.

[nuganuech]

Hi

Know how you feel, I have numerous art projects that could be occupying and enriching my time, but alcohol seems so much more interesting. They say that depression is anger turned inward, is there something you are angry about? Have you tried working out or at least talking a really long walk? Sometime the endorphins from these activities help. Take care.

[hart]

Hi

((((Bella))))))

It's perfectly natural what you are feeling and nothing to be ashamed about. Having said that, what about taking non rx things to help alleviate your depression. What about St. John Wort. Ask your doc if that would be okay.

We all care for you here, beautiful Bella. You will get thru this and have a beautiful baby and resume your AD and life will be managable again. This dark period will be a thing of the past.

Hold on hon. :l

[memarcie]

Hi

Oh Bella,
I'm sorry you are feeling bad. You definitely need to see your GP about anti d's after the baby is born. I wish I had some helpful suggestions for you. Hang in there and know you are in all of our thoughts.

:l

[KateH1]

Hi

Bella,
Depression is different from self pity. Depression is a real organic condition, just like any other medical malady and it must be treated. Quite often pregnancy does exacerbate the problem due to increased hormones.

Please speak honestly with your doctor about what you are going through. When you are feeling low, come here and write all you want to......we will be here. Most of all do not feel quilty.

You are loved and cared about!
KateH

[Saint Jude]

Hi

Bella,
Sending you & your baby a big cyber hug...:l
Hope you feel better soon. Do take care.

[beatle]

Hi

unfortunately, I think St John's Wort cannot be taken in pregnancy. In addition, it takes a couple weeks before it has an effect, maybe more, and by that time, Bella will have the baby outside her belly. But do talk to your doctor, Bella, and remember we are all here for you.

[Breez]

Hi

Hi Bella-

After had my first babe I suffered bad post partum. That's when my drinking went down hill. So before my second was born I made sure I asked for anti-depressants. The ObGyn only gave it to me for awhile & again my drinking got worse after my second was born. Having a baby creates havoc with the hormones. So after a year or so I went to a doctor who put me on anti-depressants all the while treating me for alcoholism (Campral than Topa). I only took the anti-depressants for a yr-he said my depression was mainly due to my drinking.

Definately ask once the baby is born. There is no need to suffer. There is no shame to ask for help. If something doesn't work-ask for something else. Hang in there-we're behind you.

[Victory]

Hi

Welcome Bella

Hi Bella, Yep I have issues but can still feel for others and I hear your pain. Can relate to the mask. Am the queen of masks. Action, lights, camera and I will smile, say nice things and be sooooo extremely helpful to my customers. I too wake up and wish I were dead, this is on a daily basis for me as I have a clinical depression. This is not an alcohol related thingy as I have had this for years whether drinking or not drinking. One day was crying in my office with a friend, brushed away the tears and served a customer in such a jolly manner. My friend was amazed and asked, ?How did you do that?? Reply was, ?Can I out sob my customers?? NO???? We drink to deal or not deal with the things we cannot face. I can tell that you have some seriously unresolved pain. At this point would like to say, ?this too shall pass? and it does. You will be OK and your baby will be just gorgeous. Please keep posting and absorb yourself in the support available at this site. Love to you lovely.

:h :h :h

[CaptJBean]

Hi

Bella... Life happens. It just does. We have just turned into this. We always have to feel good all the time society. Absolutely you want to care for yourself and your baby. Be aware of post partum depression.
Unresolved issues, lack of closure, pms, not enough sunlite.
Or... you can just give yourself permission to have a bad day. What's so wrong with having a down day. Why do we always have to be so consumed with fixing ourselves all the time? I don't mean ignoring serious depression.
Like everyone else, I drink to numb every thing I don't want to feel.
We are all on your side. And we will all be this little ones auntie.

[Cashregister]

Hi

Bella,

I have heaps of freinds who kept taking their A-deps during and after pregnancy and all OK - I wish i'd known and not slid into post natal hell - Make sure your doc knows how you are feeling and see if you can get onto something asap after baby so you can enjoy the little one - if you don't look after yourself you will not be able to look after the baby - been there done that.
And for whoever wants to have an argument about natural cures over antidepressants etc can we not have it here - post natal depression is chemical, it is horrible and if "drugs" can help (even if the drug companies are pushing them) for chrissake shuddup for a moment as you have NO IDEA what it's like to wake up one day when your child is 12 months old and not remember anything about your baby before that.

[maxman]

Hi

bella , I know how you feel (with the depression that is! as far as I know I have never been pregnant.) just posting your feelings shows great courage and for that I am proud of you. you will beat the black dog

take care

you have so much to look forward to

maxman xoxo