totally F***ked!

[cowgal]

I feel like I am losing it, will be ok tomorrow, but I am pretty much stuck in this horrible marriage, so many people told me I could get out and be ok and happy, but why not just settle for unhappy and keep all the stuff I have, maybe will keep friends and just stay away from this house which is sooooooooooo depressing, my counselor is going to fire me, I am doing everything he has advised me not to do...........

I am going to change my life and he can just stay the way he is, we have grown apart soooooooooo much over the past 10 years, we don't even know what to talk about anymore...........I know I need to get my SH*T together or I won't be any use to the kids or myself at all

Love Mary Anne:h :h :l

[buckledown]

totally F***ked!

keep your chin up...be strong...the morning will look brighter....i am sending good thoughts and prayers your way..:l buckle

[Breez]

totally F***ked!

first- can I be straight and ask if you've been dinking.?. I'm just saying that because when I used to drink I thought my hubby (God bless his soul) was the most horrible person on this earth, I hated my life, I wanted to run away....etc etc. But sober-he is the kindest, most gentle person you would love to call friend & my life-gosh-why should I complain?
You just seem very aggitated & short in your post. Take a deep breath.

Like buckle said-tomorrow will be better. A new page. Anger & alcohol do not mix. I'm also sending serenity....tomorrow will be better. Trust me.

[Hundi]

totally F***ked!

Gut feeling

Hey there Cowgal

One the best pieces of advice I never followed was that lots of our life is made up up stages- for instance, you never think your baby will ever stop shitting their nappy or whine (well that bit never ends) but then when things look brighter, you feel brighter and wonder why you felt so awful. Alcohol however is a depressant, we all know that - yet again - take own advice????

On the other hand if you are truely miserable a big overhaul may be needed. I have been divorced and it was a horrid time, but it passed, another phase (no children, which I appreciate is a big complicating and heart wrenching / economical factor), but it gets better. I have a new husband, a child and perspective. Life is too short to be miserable and self abusive, whatever form that takes (not passing judgement, just my experience). Follow your gut, then your heart. Ride it out and stay strong.

Hundi x (from Australia) - All our woes are universal see! We are united.

[CaptJBean]

totally F***ked!

He'll change if you change... but one of you has to do something... but setting a bad example for your children is not what God has called either one of you to do. I think you should re-think whose being abusive to who... it would appear the two of you are being abusive to your children. Sorry... For every action there is a reaction... Make sure you're not getting a high on the giity up on the high of the alcohol fight the two of you seem to be having... because I fear your children are paying the price....
I'm not a professional... it's just my un un un gut feeling...
If you were my baby sister... I'd be telling you this... so that's that... I don't know your whole situation . But if you are not putting your kids first... both of you are at fault!!!! and should be ashamed!!!!

[KateH1]

totally F***ked!

Hey Cowgal,

There are really two separate major issues here, your drinking and your troubled marriage. One thing I know for sure (from personal experience), is that it is impossible to sort anything out whilst we are drinking. There are no guarantees that your husband will change, if you change, or if you quit drinking. He is responsible for his behavior, not you.

Not one of us here can claim innocence when it comes to hurting people, if we drink, we hurt people in one way or another. If we have children, we have, in the very least confused them. I do not believe in "Guilt", guilt is a negative emotion that only drags us down further. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. The good news is that, children are very forgiving and resilient. Nothing is beyond repair.

I engourage you to get out your MWO book and start from the beginning. Start the supps. and the exercise (even just a good walk everyday)......this will help to clear your head. Once your have been sober for a little while, you will start making sense of things. And.....keep coming back here, we are here to support you.

Warm thoughts,
KateH

I do not beli

[lucky 2.0]

totally F***ked!

Being single is WONDERFUL!!! Go for it!

[bootcampbarbie]

totally F***ked!

ah you know that kate, wow, she is way cool, and has some smack on advice. you know my dove that i love you like the moon and the stars. pm or call me any fucking time you want. and your counselor only threatened if he did at all to fire you because well, he is frustrated perhaps or scared for you and can't make a difference.
so, numero uno. your child is beautiful but hon you are giving him a very major example of what alcohol is doing and even though in his teens this is imprinting him. i don't know if the damage can be repaired at this point but you can stop inflicting it. read my words. you can stop inflicting it. meaning get him out of this situation.
i actually don't agree that if you change your husband will. your husband is going to do what he does and locking yourself behind closed doors is not a safe environment at all and it doesn't for one moment tell your teenager that this is a great way to live. and i'm going to be straight with you. you have every real chance that your teen will grow up to be just like you or your hubby. i know frightening isn't it? but the statistics are so high in that favor that alone should slap you majorly in the face.
so, i would tell you straight up if you didn't have a beautiful child, and you wanted to live out your years in this abusive way then i'd say hey, maybe that's your karma. but honey, is it his karma for you to force this on him? i mean he doesn't have a choice. he can't leave. he could but he won't leave you in this situation. so you in many ways are forcing him to have this kind life because you refuse to take the actions you know will sober you, save you and him and stop being so selfish. so, is that fair to him. really? now, again, you know i love you like the moon and the stars. and because i do, i'm giving you that bootsie straight talk that i give myself which i have about taking ourselves back. if you can't take yourself back for your ownsake. if you can't muster the strength to love yourself enough to take you back for you. cuz you know i know more than you've shared on these boards, then for godsakes do what is right for this child who has no choice but to stand by you and watch you not only in so much pain, killing yourself, but locking yourself in your room, taking so much abuse and feeling absolutely powerless as a child to do anything about it. what do you think that makes him feel like? and how do you think that will shape his life?

so, cowgal wake up call. call your counseler. get antibuse, get sober... get yourself in a place to make some decisions while sober and as i said if you for now can't muster the strength to be here for you. then you need to do this for that child of yours. you can not complain about something you are unwilling to change. (quoting myself : to myself) daily.

[Breez]

totally F***ked!

Sorry Capt JB-maybe I missed something...but those are much sharp-egded words. We can help those in need without making them feel like crap. Being ashamed-I think we've all felt that(in one way or another) & do not need to be reprimanded. We need words of encouragement to move forward without moving back. There are words to say "you did bad" & "don'tdo it again" like Boot said "get help" ....no need for harsh words.

[Going Strong]

totally F***ked!

Hi Mary Anne,
I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time. If you can just focus on getting yourself well and trust that when you feel better you will be able to make the right decisions.
Thinking of you

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

totally F***ked!

Hi Mary Anne, Sorry things are so hard right now : ( Have you tried couples counseling?

[Accountable for Me]

totally F***ked!

I am going through a divorce right now. I left my husband for the final time on November 5th of this month. Left every material possession behind, packed what I could of mine and my little one's in my mini-van and headed into a world of unknown.

Let me tell you it was the best decision I have ever made in my life. Although I am living with my nana and things are tense sometimes because they just are, things are so much better. There is no arguing, no more of him passed out on our living room floor and our daughter getting upset seeing this.

When I gave up the alcohol almost a year ago, I changed. My husband and I were drinking buddies in the beginning. Now almost 5 years later, I look back and our relationship was only with the booze and not each other. It turned hostile, resentful, at times was violent.

My daughter who is 2.5 started picking up on a lot of this as of late and the final straw for me was Sunday, November 4th when he decided to drink a 26-er of whiskey and pass out in a matter of a couple of hours. She cried because she couldn't wake him up. He has a major illness and is basically trying to kill himself. I refuse to let her watch him die. I refuse to live in a loveless relationship.

Taking the first step and getting control of your alcohol will help you immensely. If I didn't quit drinking, I would still be there in H*ll. Still drunk and my kids would still be paying the price for it. You, when you are sober will find some clarity and start developing self-worth. It is then you will be able to assess your situation better. Picking up those drinks only suppress the reality you are actually living in and will continue to depress you.

You and your kids need to be in a home where there is love and respect.

I was wishy-washy, and I had left a couple of time this year already. When I saw the horror on my daughter's face that night - I knew it was time for me to make a decision in HER best interest. Material possessions are just that. They can be replaced. Your children's childhoods cannot.

Please find the strength within yourself and do what you have to do. You need to do something because every post I have read of yours, you are crying out and your homelife obviously miserable.

**HUGS**

[maxman]

totally F***ked!

time for a new tattoo girl! chin up you will do what is right for you

[Guest]

totally F***ked!

Hi cowgal.
You`ve been sounding pretty desperate over the past wee while, so it doesn`t look like your situation with hubby has improved any way at all.

First off, I think you have to appreciate that "things" just don`t matter. I wouldn`t even try to hold onto the greatest assets in the world if doing so meant that I was destined to remain as miserable as sin in my circumstances. No offence intended, but you sound as if you are indeed that miserable in your marriage.

If I were you, I would get out YESTERDAY and start to build the kind of life you and your kids deserve. Every day you hold off sees you a day older. It`s said that "time waits for no man", and it sure as Hell waits for no woman!!! There is no point in hanging around waiting for your hubby to miraculously change.......such a change is unlikely ever to happen......sure, he can change, but only if HE wants to change.

Get out there and grab life with both hands, Girl. Lucky is perfectly right........being single is wonderful in many respects, because you can do whatever you like, whenever you like. Being single also means you are free to meet the man of your dreams. Fairytale???.......not really........there`s such a man out there for all of us. Will keep you all posted!!!........watch this space!!!! lol

My message to you, cowgal, has to be.........DON`T WASTE A SINGLE OTHER DAY WITH A CREEP WHO DOESN`T DESERVE YOU!!!

Wishing you the strength to break free.

Much love,
Starlight Impress x

[Finding My Self]

totally F***ked!

Dear Cowgirl - HUG. First and foremost....coz you're hurting big time aren't you? And confused? And bl**dy terrified....? The unknown? Is it really better than here? What if?.... What IF??... What if not???... and all around your to-be-very-proud-of efforts at AF!

And, 'If I change he will...' is admirable but has more to do with the fact that you think you NEED to change....that you're not good enough as you are....that if you were 'better' he'd be better.... NO NO NO! Allow him to have his response-ability... it's his. And look after you...the you you were born to be. Not one single one of us was born to be abused, shouted at, put down, scared to be near someone....we were ALL born to be cherished, respected, loved as we're loveable beings of light....

By now the edges have got muddled - all the 'who started it?' and stuff. But, no matter...the only thing that needs to change is geography.... step away from the pain and abuse and fear. And take that unwittingly-dragged-into-it off-spring. (They can't 'spring-off' a seriously wobbly spring-board which is the marriage you are currently in.)

When you're away from all that and sober - THEN you can start unravelling it - all the who started it and stuff.....but you simply cannot see the wood for the trees at the moment...and it aint going to get better. Yes, sometimes it can be, "For things to change I gotta change" but mostly it's jsut a simple, "For things to change SOMETHING'S gotta change".....geography. Simple geography.... come out and breath. Get some focus back and anything's possible - even your hubby changing and things working out. But it's time for the bell and a bit of time out no matter what....(IMHO!)

PS - is there something about being on your own with your children - not being a good-enough-Mum? Just a thought....COZ YOU ARE... and you will be fine...and what's more, you will show them that an intolerable situation can be changed by a courageous decision. And that's a gift, a real gift to them.

Really thinking of you Cowgirl...."The night is dark that never finds the day." The sun will shine again....you can do this.

Love FMS xxx