Question: Damaging our children

[cookinghappy]

Had an absolutely foul therapy session yesterday. Imagine that therapist was trying to shock/frighten me into action. Though when I related session to my husband, he thought she'd been extremely unpleasant and questioned why I pay her to be mean to me. It's true that her strategy reached me more than usual, though equally it left me so low, I don't know whether it was helpful or not.

Anyway, what I did want to ask you all is to what degree do you believe her assertion that I have already damaged my children. They are aged 7, 9 and nearly 12. I drink every evening. They have never seen me fall asleep on the sofa, I am never violent. I would say at worst I might be more short-tempered or lazy and at best very jolly. She maintains that just associating wine on a daily basis with their mother is already damaging, and that one of them will definitely become addicted themselves. I am also bulemic, and she says that they will probably have heard me vomit but won't have dared talk to me about it. I don't know what to think. I can't bear to think that I have damaged them. They seem incredibly well-adjusted, happy, self assured children so it's hard to believe. But she says 'if you knew what patients of mine tell me about their childhoods with alcoholic parents...'

What are your thoughts, experiences...

[beatle]

Question: Damaging our children

I think your therapist is cuckoo. I agree with your husband-- fire her.

[Bella]

Question: Damaging our children

Hi cooking!

I agree with your husband. What is the point of making those kind of comments? All it will do is make you feel even lower! I think she was wrong....but that is just my opinion. I have some experience of on-line counselling and talked about my 5 year old son with my counseller and the damage I might be doing to him. He did not judge or make any remarks about this. He only picked up on what I felt and built on it. This is all about getting you better, not telling you that one of your children will definately become addicted themselves! She is making un-professional assumptions.

I hope you are okay. I feel for you.

Bella xxx

[Skid Row]

Question: Damaging our children

I am not a therapist, but I am a Mum, and clearly, given that I am here, I am NOT without my alcohol issues, I am only on day 19, and I see things far more clearly. I drunk at least a bottle of wine every night, never started till the kids activities and taxiing was complete, and my kids haven't even noticed I am not drinking. Children see what they want to see, my son thinks I'm beautiful (having looked particularly awful for about the past 2 years) my daughter thinks I rock. I think given their ages, you have time to undo any damage that may or may not have been done. My children are 12 and 10, and I am not punishing myself for damage I may have done. We all parent the best we can. you clearly love your children, which is the best gift we as Mums have to give. Don't be hard on yourself, just keep walking forward. You are trying. If your children seem well adusted, happy, self assured, then my guess is, they PROBABLY ARE. Give yourself a break and give your kids a hug.

[beatle]

Question: Damaging our children

I agree completely with Skid Row. (but she said it much better than I did!)

[bloggy]

Question: Damaging our children

I have a friend who has a very bad drink problem and has never even attempted to hide it from her kids. It is a well known fact that mum drinks too much, but the children do not seem to see it as a problem, they are lovely well adjusted kids and all of them doing extremely well at school.

However only time will tell if later they turn to alcohol themselves.

[Beaches]

Question: Damaging our children

Maybe she's right and maybe she's not..time will only tell. My kids know I drink and I hope that they don't follow my lead. I don't think you have damaged your children at all by the way you talk about your drinking.

One thing is clear is that is this woman and you are not "connecting" you need to move on and find someone that you feel more safe around and that you can open up too. If you feel threatened by her then you won't share the things you need to be talking about in fear of her reaction. She's a big rough.

[southernbelle47]

Question: Damaging our children

Wouldn't it be nice if our kids did as we say not as we do! They "copy" what they see. As a mom of three grown children who do drink on occasion as I did when I was they're age, I have a concern that they may one day begin to "self medicate" when things get tough in their lives. On one hand they are "warned" not to let it get out of hand as they know our family history but on the other hand maybe it would have been better for them if I had taught them better to deal with stress in a more healthy way.
If I had it to do over....they would not see their mom drink alcohol except on very special occasions...like a wedding toast or new year's eve...or even better not at all.
Just my thought on this..
Love,
:h Nancy

[Cinders]

Question: Damaging our children

Boy, do I think about this daily.

BOTH of my children are alcoholics. BOTH!!

Talk about guilt...

Cindi

[Skid Row]

Question: Damaging our children

Just a little thought. If you don't do anything at all, then you don't screw up. That's what my Dad used to say to me when I was growing up. He would say this when I failed at something, he would say, it is only those who don't live a life who don't make mistakes by not trying to do the unobtainable, not trying to achieve something hard. I really think that the ability to make a mistake and learn from it, makes us human. To admit to your child(ren) that you mucked up, but came back a better person can only teach them good things. Obviously it would be best if they weren't exposed to anything but perfection in their life - but seriously - is perfection a possibility? I for one, think to be dedicated to doing your best for your children, to love them (as they love you) without condition, is a pretty good start to being a great Mum. Alcohol is a deamon, we know this, or we wouldn't be here. Keep walking forward and don't look back, what has happened can not be undone, but you can make what happens next fan - beeeeping - tastic.

[Breez]

Question: Damaging our children

Kids are smarter than you think. They are just innocent of their feelings/expressions at such an age.

One: pick a therapist that suits your needs.

Two: I'm coming from a family where alcohol both plagues hubby's side & my side. Damn! My daughter(9) & son(5) are going to be brought up where when time is right I will address the issue. Just as when the time was right to say there is no Santa Claus -AAAAHHH......so I will tell them mommy had a problem so you need to be aware-AND I"M WATCHING YOU! LOL.

[cookinghappy]

Question: Damaging our children

Thank you. All your thoughts, insight, sadness, happiness and wisdom. I never expected such a varied amount of food for thought. I am thinking about the therapist situation. I probably will stop. I do feel encouraged that our children probably are alright. And I agree, they cannot live in a hermetically sealed perfect bubble of a world. It is my duty to try and stop drinking though. And I'm finding it so hard.

[KateH1]

Question: Damaging our children

Cookin,
I must say that I am not impressed with this therapist, and her tactics! First of all what does she mean by "Damage"????? That is a very strong accusation to give to a mother.

For your own health and well being it would be a really good idea to work on curing your bulemia as this is a life threatening disease that is both physical and mental. Alcoholism is a progressive disease as well. That being said, I encourage you to take an honest look at how you are living and ask yourself if this is really how you want to live.

"Children Learn What They Live", is a quote that I truly believe in. But Guilt is never the answer towards positive change. Guilt holds us down. So.....I hope that you get the help that you need, so that you can live healthy and enjoy your family and your life. I hope that you find a way to deal with the real issues, and that you are able to move forward.

All the Best,
KateH

[trixietrack]

Question: Damaging our children

your therapist is judging you. don't know how long you have been seeing her and how much you have told her about you and your life.
a therapist is not supposed to give opinions like that, she is supposed to guide you and help you not make you feel guilty.
as long as you and your husband are there for the children and love one another, that is the example you are setting for them.
If they are not showing any behavioral problems in school or in social situations then you are not harming them.
I would find another therapist.

[Finding My Self]

Question: Damaging our children

Cooking - Quite frankly I would report her to her association....she is being extremely unprofessional in her accusations... It sounds to me as if she has many issues she has't worked through yet. Don't let her play them out through you - find another...don't be put off counsellors....there are very good ones out there but even if 'difficult stuff' comes up there must be an air of loving kindness around for any of us to heal.

(If she is a medically trained doc...well, people like her rightly come before the GMC (General Medical Council) far too often - but come before them they do, and rightly so.)

Good luck!

PS if your kids are that happy - well, you're doing a great job! Kids all have to learn to deal with 'stuff' - this modern idea that life can be perfect....piffle!!