Bad Times Remembered

[retteacher]

After reading the thread "Sobriety Toolkit" in the research forum (p. 2), I've been thinking about the bad times I had while drinking. It was suggested in that thread that in order to counteract all the positive images of drinking we see in the media (especially at this time of year) & in our own heads, it's good to remember specifically why we wanted to stop drinking. For me:
-missing events due to black-outs: my grandson's b-day party, family reunion, my niece's wedding, etc. etc.
-ruining events due to getting sick: weekend getaway in Cape Cod, lovely dinners out.
-causing paranoia: attending church, dog training, etc. under the influence & wondering who noticed.
The actual events were so much more painful than they appear above, which makes me wonder why I didn't stop right then (as I always resolved). I think that for me, I needed to come to MWO & really own up to being an alcoholic. I needed the support I get here. The time is right for me to make the decision to live an AF lifestyle. It feels right for me. I couldn't be more grateful for the 59 consequtive AF days. Thank you MWO friends. I couldn't have done this wo/all of you, regardless of how bad it was. Mary

[trixietrack]

Bad Times Remembered

I just keep thinking of all the terrible relationships I have been in, and all because I just couldn't see myself with someone who doesn't drink. (stupid)
showing up at work looking and feeling like absolute hell, and then doing it all over again.
limiting my life to events with alcohol only.
I am not really mad at myself for doing the above things, but just wonder what I have missed out on and how much it will take me to start experiencing life in a healthy way again.

Trix

[AMELIA]

Bad Times Remembered

Mary, 59 days AF is really something. Congratulations, you sound very happy.
I could name hundreds of bad times,....maybe I will just do that and it could be the kick in the 'jacksie' that I need.

[retteacher]

Bad Times Remembered

Amelia & Trix: There were so many negative events caused by alcohol that I wonder how & why I continued to drink. What happened is that the memory faded pretty quickly after these disasters, & I kidded myself into thinking I could drink in moderation. It wasn't until I really admitted to being an uncontrollable alcoholic who needed to stay AF for life that I really began to heal.

After those awful events, I used to regroup & say "Whew, I got away w/another one." That would give me license to do it all again. All the while, my self-esteem took some awful hits. I won't let myself go there again.

I slipped during my MWO membership after over 60 days AF. I let myself think positively about drinking. I let myself think I could drink mod & that alcohol played an important role in having fun. I now know that I have much more fun when I'm fully present & experiencing the situation. I'm even grateful for the first uncomfortable moments.

Mary

[AMELIA]

Bad Times Remembered

Yep, retteacher, some of the singular bad memories make me shrink in shame and every single time I vowed,.....never again.
I have got 'away' with so much. It is not really believable really how I have got away with it. But I think you are right about self esteem. The more deception that you undertake the worse you feel because you are not putting 'you' out to meet the world. It is a facade. Something that you didn't feel ok with to begin with.....How can you be accepted and loved for who you are if the majority of the time you are putting 'lies' out.
That is what I think hurts my own sense of self the most.
x

[retteacher]

Bad Times Remembered

Amelia: You are so right. The facade & the falseness is just damaging. I've moved forward more in my life in these 59 days that I've been sober than in the all the years that I was drinking combined. As far as "getting away" with the drinking incidents. If pressed, my loved ones would say they knew something wasn't right. I've never confronted them about it (especially my husband & daughter). I'm just hoping that my new-found sobriety can make up for the deception I put them through. Truly, my biggest weakness now is that I've never admitted my drinking problem to anyone except MWO. Mary

[Guest]

Bad Times Remembered

Friendships I lost due to lies and drinking...they knew I was not fooling anyone. Going to my kids school functions drinking...wonder who noticed????
Going to work hung over as hell and throwing up all day.
Calling people that had made me mad and cuss them out....
fall down, all this in front of my kids...

[Suzanna]

Bad Times Remembered

Hi Mary, I've not admitted to a drinking problem to family either. I just tell you guys, and even then I have not really said too much except that I have a problem with wine and stopping drinking of the wine. I am sure my family can see that. I only talk to one good friend eye to eye about it, and to all of you, my MWO friends. It's okay for now, I am getting comfortable saying, I have a drinking problem. The dialogue in my head that was for a long time taboo is now being faced and I know I am not alone. Thanks you guys! :h

[Winefree]

Bad Times Remembered

Now I know.

Suzanna, now I realize why you contacted me. Winefree, that is what I hope to be...and it is sooooo hard. I am having a hard time toorealizing that there is a problem, even though my husband tells me so. I haven't told my family, but recently he has told his and then some of mine. Upsetting yes, to say the least. Feeling betrayed too, but maybe for the best. But the self esteem goes in the gutter when you are trying to hold it all together.

[trixietrack]

Bad Times Remembered

I have not said anything to my family. I live alone (recently). I think they know I like wine but they have no idea of how the last 7 to 9 years have been for me. I truly am alone in this one.
I sometimes feel that it would be harder if someone else brought it up though.
that is one of the reasons that I am so grateful to have found this site.

i am also in the early stages of understanding that I need to control this or stop completely.
i cannot continue to base my existence around a bottle of wine.

[Guest]

Bad Times Remembered

I have to say to you both it took me MONTHS to admit it and just today...I mean tonight have I started trying to mend fences with people I have hurt. Friends and family I hurt with my lies from drinking. I lost several. AND I just admitted it to my Dad tonight. He lives far away and he is a preacher. He called me tonight and I wanted to tell him on the phone and couldn't. But he said to me before we hung up that he wanted me to know that NO matter what he loves all his children unconditionally. We were actually talking about my brother. Not me. But, when he said it I knew it was time. If you can't tell your family you can still HIDE. Time to stop hiding and heal. I am sobber 8 months with one big slip during that time. I will be praying for all of us. This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

[Winefree]

Bad Times Remembered

Thanks Sassy, that means a lot to me. Still struggling to admit the truth, but trying to go forward with the sups, CD's etc. Longterm depression here to, on meds. Sleeping disturbance etc. From reading it all fits in. Hopefully will be able to find the key.
Off now to listen to another CD and hope for a reasonable nights sleep.

[Guest]

Bad Times Remembered

I have ALL the same issues. I am on AD's too. Which you know don't work if you drink??? Gosh this is a hard disease, but we can do this. It is HARD AS HELL to admit the truth. Harder than putting down the wine to be honest. I walked away from the bottle way before I was able to tell friends and family.

[Suzanna]

Bad Times Remembered

Luvuall, you have alot of time sober, that is quite an accomplishment! That must feel really good, you should be proud of yourself. Trixie you are admitting it to yourself and you are not alone now you are here with us. I am managing to string together AF (alcohol free) days each week only to falter on the weekend, but I am working on it. Winefree, yep, you got it, a great name and I aim to be winefree! I think I hide it pretty well but maybe I'm not fooling anybody, but my son on chat asked me last night how much wine I had and I proudly said, none!

[retteacher]

Bad Times Remembered

Thank you all for contributing to this thread! I've learned so much from it. Right now, I feel that accumulating AF days & committing to an AF life is an atonement for the hiding & sneaking around. If & when the time is right, I'll admit what I've done. In the meantime, every single day is another day to promise myself: "I will not drink today!" He might not know what is different, but I'm sure my husband can sense the change in me. Becoming sober is a double-edge sword for him. While I'm much more there for him, I tend to be able to speak up & assert myself instead of keeping quiet because of residual guilt. Mary