TEEEEEEENAGERS!!!!

[Miss October]

TEEEEEEENAGERS!!!!

Teenage Years

I remember very well what it was like to be a teenager. Sure could do without those years.

I have a son who just turned 18, and so far he is a great kid. I let him transform my living room into a music room, since we have no basement. We are talking drums (which he plays the most), but also has guitar, bass, key board, recording equipment. Actually he is down there right now with friends shaking my house up. This way I know where he is, and what he is doing. All the boys are so into their music, I give them my full support. When I'm cooking dinner, I cannot turn on the TV or talk to my husband cause I can't hear a thing.......BUT IT IS WORTH IT KNOWING WHERE THEY ARE AND WHAT THEY ARE DOING.

I too would never let my child stay out all night. If he didn't come home on time, I would take the keys to his car. This has not happened yet. And since I bought his cell phone and pay for the service, he needs to have it on at all times.

Now when he turns "21" the drinking age, that is a whole new ball game, that I don't think I'll be ready for.

PJ, I'm so sorry what happened to your daugther. That is just such a horrible thing to have happened to her. How do you get over something like that, I have no idea. That sure is alot to deal with. You took on such a huge challenge and I admire you for taking in your niece. I pray for your strength and courage to help get you through those challenges, and I pray that somehow your daughter can heal from that terrible experience.

So to all, besides good luck on having the upper hand on "Old Uncle Al", good luck on raising those teenagers !

[Preciouspinot]

TEEEEEEENAGERS!!!!

I really do feel for you Patty and all that you are dealing with between your sister's death, your niece and your daughter. It sounds like your daughter is just in a lot of pain right now. With all that she has been through I would be giving her hugs and not a tough love approach. I would also bring up the therapy option again and again and again. She may have not been ready before and now she is ready or maybe she will be ready next week. I would keep it as an ongoing open option for her to take advantage of.

[Prest4time]

TEEEEEEENAGERS!!!!

Hi PJ,
I've been following this thread but havent had time to respond. I too am very, very sorry for what happened to your daughter. Those types of things really have the potential to alter you forever without good counseling. I personally would require counseling while you still have "some" control.

I have a son about to turn 21, and my daughter is a senior and 17. (I also have a sweet little one oblivous to teen things which I am so enjoying), so I understand your plight.

Have you read the book "Boundries?" You can find it at any reputable bookstore if its not sold out. lIt is fabulous and deals with drawing boundaries with those you are in any close relationship with from spouse, siblings, irritable extended family and your children even. It offers some great ideas to confidently and fairly draw the lines, as well as what to do when those lines are crossed.

I too have had some extremely difficult situations with my daughter the last few years, and like yours, she was very loving and "perfect" it seemed until she hit puberty. Then all of the sudden, the little girl who would climb in my bed every night at 3 am to snuggle decided in a short time that I was no longer the best Mom in the world, but that in fact I knew nothing! LOL! I took great comfort in talking to other mother's who had survived it and later had great relationships with their now grown daughters, and they assured me that if I "stuck to my guns" that it would pass. But they truly do have to outgrow it. If you think the sky is blue, she will think its burgundy with a hint of lime green and you are such an idiot that you cant see it!

Thankfully, neither of my teens or soon to be 21 y/o have ever drank (least not that i know of) and are not into the partying scene. They know I have wrestled with alcohol, and because of that, they both have made it really clear they cannot stand to be around people who drink and have chosen their friends who feel the same way. My teens have turned into Starbucks snobs! They are great kids, but it doesnt change those attitudes with the daughters.

What I have found works best with my daughter, is when she verbally rakes me over the coals and slams the door, my husband has dismantled her door. No door. When she accused us of "not supporting her", we reminded her of where she would be without our support, and took her keys away. Next -- absolutely no money. We didnt care how sweet or apologetic she got... we told her we forgave her, but she would have to live with the consequences because the world will not be as forgiving. And most of all, be confident. If she sees that she can upset you, especially drive you to drink, then she has the upperhand and knows it. Draw your boundries, enforce them with a cool, confident smile. And dont forget to tell her you love her.

Best of luck,
P4t

[Prest4time]

TEEEEEEENAGERS!!!!

Hi PJ,
I've been following this thread but havent had time to respond. I too am very, very sorry for what happened to your daughter. Those types of things really have the potential to alter you forever without good counseling. I personally would require counseling while you still have "some" control.

I have a son about to turn 21, and my daughter is a senior and 17. (I also have a sweet little one oblivous to teen things which I am so enjoying), so I understand your plight.

Have you read the book "Boundries?" You can find it at any reputable bookstore if its not sold out. lIt is fabulous and deals with drawing boundaries with those you are in any close relationship with from spouse, siblings, irritable extended family and your children even. It offers some great ideas to confidently and fairly draw the lines, as well as what to do when those lines are crossed.

I too have had some extremely difficult situations with my daughter the last few years, and like yours, she was very loving and "perfect" it seemed until she hit puberty. Then all of the sudden, the little girl who would climb in my bed every night at 3 am to snuggle decided in a short time that I was no longer the best Mom in the world, but that in fact I knew nothing! LOL! I took great comfort in talking to other mother's who had survived it and later had great relationships with their now grown daughters, and they assured me that if I "stuck to my guns" that it would pass. But they truly do have to outgrow it. If you think the sky is blue, she will think its burgundy with a hint of lime green and you are such an idiot that you cant see it!

Thankfully, neither of my teens or soon to be 21 y/o have ever drank (least not that i know of) and are not into the partying scene. They know I have wrestled with alcohol, and because of that, they both have made it really clear they cannot stand to be around people who drink and have chosen their friends who feel the same way. My teens have turned into Starbucks snobs! They are great kids, but it doesnt change those attitudes with the daughters.

What I have found works best with my daughter, is when she verbally rakes me over the coals and slams the door, my husband has dismantled her door. No door. When she accused us of "not supporting her", we reminded her of where she would be without our support, and took her keys away. Next -- absolutely no money. We didnt care how sweet or apologetic she got... we told her we forgave her, but she would have to live with the consequences because the world will not be as forgiving. And most of all, be confident. If she sees that she can upset you, especially drive you to drink, then she has the upperhand and knows it. Draw your boundries, enforce them with a cool, confident smile. And dont forget to tell her you love her.

Best of luck,
P4t

[FinallyRN]

TEEEEEEENAGERS!!!!

I just want to say one more thing. You hadn't given details of your daughters history. I really think you should get your daughter therapy. She could be drinking to numb the pain and to forget. I understand that she has to want it and you can't force her but see if you can convince her of the benefits. Her hurt must be huge. She might even feel like she's "dirty". I have a history of abuse and I can't tell you how it stays with you. I went through a period of promiscuity because I felt the damage was done.
My sons father committed suicide 2 years ago. He was 15 so I was able to enforce therapy even though he didn't want to do it. But as you can imagine there was huge guilt, loss, I wanted to nip it in the bud. It worked. I also feel the same way P4T does. I'm strict. Everything has consequences. But again, my son is still 17 for a few more months, and he's still my responsibilty.
Good luck. You have your hands full. I wish you well. Let us know how things develop.

[Bessie]

TEEEEEEENAGERS!!!!

I'm hope I'm not being too flippant here....

...... I don't have teenagers - or kids at all - but I hear how bad all this for you PJ. But, I do have this card here that might help....(even if it just raises a wry smile..!)

It says...
Teenagers!
Are you tired of being harassed by your stupid parents?
Act now.
Move out, get a job and pay your own bills - while you still know everything.

(John Hinde)

Hope that hasn't been too flippant. Only trying to add a little levity to a pretty tricky situation.

The very best of luck and love.

Bessie x

[Miss October]

TEEEEEEENAGERS!!!!

Oh Yes Bessie,

On the light side of this conversation, that must have been "hinde sight"

That was to the point, and actually pretty....oh yes....very funny....too bad it wasn't that easy.

All teenagers are differerent, as we are parents......is it how you are brought up ? is it genetic ? is it what life deals you ?

It is all of the above. As my mom always told me, everyone has a cross to bear in life. Not sure if you all understand that (it's a Christian/Catholic thing.....where Jesus died on the cross for us.....sorry for those who are not into religion....it's OK...just trying to explain).....sorry, not sure if it is Bear or Bare....what an idiot :H

But anyway, we love our teenagers so much, and sometimes it is so hard to raise them, we pray to the "MAN UPSTAIRS" to watch over them and keep them safe at all times ray:

P.S. to Prest4Time....I think I'll buy that book (boundries)....I need something to do besides drink at night, and that book sounds great. Thanks so much !

[Cashregister]

TEEEEEEENAGERS!!!!

Bessie that's perfect !! I have cut and pasted it onto a doc and am saving it for a rainy (or stormy) day - thanks (mine's 9).

Cashy
xx

[Prest4time]

TEEEEEEENAGERS!!!!

Cashy ...

I have a nine year old too, so enjoy these precious years!

Miss October - you will not be sorry you purchased Boundries. I have read it three times, and keep it close by to refer to often.

My favorite analogy of raising teens is probably redundant, but is:

"Raising teenagers is like trying to nail jello to a tree."

So fitting!

[PJ]

TEEEEEEENAGERS!!!!

Thanks everyone, so the support and ideas! I'll definitely get the book. Anything I can do to reenforce my resolve has got to help.

Meanwhile - progress? She's agreed to see a therapist! (Mostly to get me to "back off", and also because she thinks it might be helpful for her court case) But, hey, if it gets her in the door it's at least a first step. Hopefully she'll actually show up...

More progress - she called her boss to get her job back (after being off - in many ways - for nearly two months). Her boss said yes! She starts back to work today. Maybe all this will turn around sooner rather than later? Fingers crossed.

Except - she just came into the kitchen in tears (a kid who almost never cries), upset that she hasn't been able to sleep. Low seretonin levels and probably some nutritional deficiencies from the alcohol, are pretty obvious. So I've "hidden" supplements (multivitamin electrolyte packs and extra 5HTP - ALLON should arrive in the mail today or tomorrow, so I'm making do) in the coolaid (made with Erythritol, instead of sugar).

[weemelonhead]

TEEEEEEENAGERS!!!!

PJ ............can I just say what a GREAT mom you sound....your daughter is sure going through some unpredictable behaviour patterns, and this is completely only to be expected with all that she has been through over the last few months....I have a teenage daughter of nineteen....and my heart goes out to you and your dear girlie, as I cannot even begin to imagine the thoughts and emotions that must be swirling around her head right now...and also yours as you search desperately for the right way to comfort and heal this little person who is so very dear to you.......

your daughter obviously trusts you a great deal to be able to ring you at 5 am....not particlarly thoughtful behaviour I agree....but showing (in the odd way that teenagers often show things) that she knows the one person she can call on is mom......

This is the thought that I reckon you should cling to....teenagers can be thoughtless, aggressive, and, what seems to us as downright disrespectful and unreasonable...but she seems to have a hard time right now of being able to respect herself after what happened....and that must be painful for both of you to realise...

I have no solutions really, I would agree with everything you are doing...you know your daughter better than anybody, and are trying everything you can to ensure that emotional turmoil will not drive her to destruction...
I hope you can work something out through counselling/meds/supps/reading that helps ease this rollercoaster time.......tough love is often recommended, but is a very hard approach to take when you see that this sort of behaviour is most probably being caused by deep levels of pain as opposed to mere 'arseishness'....I hope you both get there dear...

Much love to you BOTH......xx

[hart]

TEEEEEEENAGERS!!!!

I was an absolute terror as a teenager. I did things that when I think of them now I shudder. My poor mom. She didn't even get to say wait until u have kids. My stepson will be 13 this January. I hear boys are easier than girls (usually). I'll let u know.