ughhhhh horrible day yesterday with alcohol

[me145]

hello.. well, i really REALLLy was bad yesterday. first time in awhile i was bad. first, we had my aunts birthday at a restaurant. it was in a private room. the waiters kept filling up my wine glass ( not an excuse i know) i dont understand how it happens. one minute remember talking to people and feeling the alcohol but not feeling real drunk. the next, im told i put my hed down on the table, and stumbled out of the restaurant after my parents kinda shook me to get up. i dont remember any of it. anj hour later, i awoke in my parents house, and learned that my dad had gone next door for a xmas party. being drunk that i was, i walked over. had more wine there. blacked out again, cant remember the end ofr the night. i woke up on the couch in my parents house at five am. first thought was, "oh shit-I dont remember the end of the night-how did i end up here?" i woke up my parents and my dad was screaming at me ,saying i embarassed him, get help, cursing. hes seen me like that two or three other times a few yearsr ago. my bf also surprised me from jersey and drove out here. hes trying to to drink , so he didnt want to go to xmas party with me, when i came home to get him. plus my parents didnt want himgoing bc he wasnt invited. but i went backto the party and we fought about me going back, because he wanted to hang out with me.. came all the way from jersey.. but i wanted to be where the alcohol was. and went back. he is now fuming at me too, and saying that hes brekaing up with me if i dont go to aa. i stayed up crying all night in mjy room, and throwing up being hungover... i knew if i had a gun in my house, i would have shot myself. i have a strong belief in god and the afterlife, so that is what stopped me from taking a knife to my wrists. no im not kidding... i took a pen and started stabbing my wrists anyway, and i liked the pain over the mental pain...i have a serious problem with stopping when i start. lately i have been good.. just avoiding alcohol and the times i drakn were at restaurants when i went out for dinner and coulndt get drunk there. this is my problem, and biggest problem. its not how often i drink, i am not addicted, its when i drink. i cannot stop when i get to a certai npoint of drunkness. if my parents had told me to stop last night. i would fight with them. thats how i get. i dont understand it. other people know "im to drunk, let me stop drinking now" i get to the point, and always ALWAYS have more unless someone physically prevents me from continuing.... heres the thing. I want to attempt the supplements. i took the kudzu, and fel tit took the pleasure out of my drinking, whih is why i drink in the first place. so i took it, it worked one night, i THINK, cuz i didnt care to keep drinking, and i stopped taking it bc it took the pleasure out. i thought... anyway, so. i want to attempt taking the kudzu before i go af completely. i just want to try it. if it doesnt work, i dont have a choice but to try af permanently. i have ahuge problem with stopping wheni start. i really hope the kudzu will work with that.... what do u guys think about that? im so miserable and embarassed....

[beatle]

ughhhhh horrible day yesterday with alcohol

You know yourself what your problem is. You want to solve it. Big first steps. I think you should go for the whole MWO programme. It has worked for many people. It is meant to get at your problem from all angles. Why not try doing the whole thing?

[trixietrack]

ughhhhh horrible day yesterday with alcohol

hi me I am glad that you have a plan, and am sorry that you've gone through such a horrible time. I agree with beatle about starting over with the full MWO plan.
the supplements and L-glutamine really work. please also keep in touch, I can totally tell that you want to beat this badly. That is a good sign.
sending you my love and lots of hugs

today is a bright new day

Trix

[AAthlete]

ughhhhh horrible day yesterday with alcohol

Me145, the mind can be a crazy screwed up thing sometimes. I know that for me, I would be the same as you in that I would go a week, a couple of weeks, a month doing great and controlling my drinking and everything would be going good. Then I would get complacent and forget how bad that last bender that I was on truly was. My brain would tell me that I was good for awhile and that I deserved to have a little more. Trouble was, as I drank more and more my willpower shrank more and more to the point where I would end up in the same shape that you were.

Time after time I thought things would be different, that this time I would be able to fully control my drinking -- after 8 years I finally conceded what a line of bulls**t that was. I would beg to differ about your addiction statement - to me if you can't stop once you start then you are addicted regardless of how often you drink - but that's my opinion.

Working the program is a great place to start as Beatle mentions. The CD's are a great tool as they help change the way your mind works, which is really what will benefit you the most. All it takes is a start, right?

[me145]

ughhhhh horrible day yesterday with alcohol

hey guys. thanks. yes im def doing the program now. i really hit a rockbottom last night. possibly to try af again. athlete, do u think its possible to moderate with kudzu or it didn twork for you? did it help u stop drinking when u start, which is my huge problem (MORESO THAN ANYONE I KNOW!)

[trixietrack]

ughhhhh horrible day yesterday with alcohol

Hi me I think it would be wise to go AF for 30 or more days before trying to moderate, it looks like going AF will really help to get you back on track. kudzu helps to curb cravings but you also have to be super determined to not over do it. keep me posted on how it goes

[betty boop]

ughhhhh horrible day yesterday with alcohol

ME145,

I really think that 30 days AF would be a good start for you to get the beast out of your system ....... Its hard to believe right now but you will feel soooooo much better ..........

Hang in there ........

[me145]

ughhhhh horrible day yesterday with alcohol

hey guys.. ya i did do af recently for three weeks, and it just went back to that because i wasnt taking supplements or anything. my bf is threatening to leave me if i dont do af and go to aa, not even tiving me a chance to try the supplements.. errr... so i might go af

[Accountable for Me]

ughhhhh horrible day yesterday with alcohol

Me145, I can empathise with you. I had a few of those nights in my drinking career. Today is a new day. You can't change what happened but you can change what will happen. Hang in there. The 30 days is a good idea. Although I know it may be tough with the Christmas season upon you, but try anyway, you will feel better in a couple of days.

[Beaches]

ughhhhh horrible day yesterday with alcohol

Me, sorry you had such a rough night. I can relate to those days as well. The worst is the embarrassment once you realize you have no memory of the night before.

Will bf stay if you do 30days AF and not go to AA? Your family will come around too. Remember we are always hardest on ourselves and your loved one's don't need to contribute to making you feel bad. You know what you did and you want to change, to me that means everything.

I wish you the very best.

[Reenie]

ughhhhh horrible day yesterday with alcohol

Me: Thank you for sharing your story. I feel your pain and can imagine the party as if I was there and not you. Please dig deep and really try to avoid drinking alcohol. Lean on this site for encouragement and support. In addition, try another venue such as AA (women's group) to openly speak of your fears, drunken episodes, feelings, etc... If you let out some of what is bottled up in you, and if you have the support on a daily basis, your mind will become clearer. You will see things differently and will be motivated to carry on AF. I wish you the best. -Reenie

[me145]

ughhhhh horrible day yesterday with alcohol

hey guys! thank you for so many nice answers and nice things. its so great to come on hre and vent and read replies that help you feel better. to some of your suggestions-i did do a couple weeks af, and then attempted to moderate.. WITHOUT taking any supplements though. so i only drank a few times in the past two months...( a HUGE improvement from the five times a week-but that lasted just about six months, until i knew it had to be stopped) so really, i feel the alcohol isnt a huge part of my life as far as needing it or wanting it. once i hit drinking five times per week i knew i had to do something. my goal would be to be able to go out with gf's on weekends, and not have the night being a blur when waking up the next day. everyone telling you what you did and said and how drunk you were. i would really like to try the supplements, and i just ordered them. but my bf really wants us to be af together, so i think im going to have to just be af for now. so i dont have much of a choice., even though i begged him to just let me try the supplements out. alot of it has to do with him not trusting me when i go out, bc i get drunk and appear flirty wit guys, or i get very very bitchy at times if im bad drunk. ( different person when im drunk). but thanks for all your replies!

[me145]

ughhhhh horrible day yesterday with alcohol

Not sure about your situation, but my girlfriend also gets flirty when out at bars. But thats not why i get mad. I worry i will get a phone call one day that she's been found raped in a ditch after getting drunk at bars and wobbling around bearly able to walk. Her girlfriends wouldnt stop her from drinking, or from leaving the bar with someone. Who the hell knows. Anyway, you should listen to your boyfriend, he sounds like a smart man. Bars are for hookups anyway.

[MyOwnWoman]

ughhhhh horrible day yesterday with alcohol

I agree - commit to being AF,and do it one day at a time. Don't think about whether or not you'll be able to drink ever again. Just be AF one day then the next.
Also I'd recommend that you not think of losing out on that feeling you like with alcohol, and how much you might miss it. Think instead of not having this war going on in your mind, body and soul, and of feeling really truly good about yourself for conquering your drinking problem.
Good luck.

[bootcampbarbie]

ughhhhh horrible day yesterday with alcohol

i'm posting what you wrote:
i am not addicted, its when i drink. i cannot stop when i get to a certai npoint of drunkness. if my parents had told me to stop last night. i would fight with them. thats how i get.

people who don't have a challange with alcohol can stop anytime they want to... they don't keep drinking.... that's called addiction... so i want you to seriously look at your pattern. binge drinking means you can stop for long periods of time and then once you start you can't stop. the first glass leads to a thousand..... i seriously could have moderated but those days have passed. i don't have the mind frame to moderate. there were days i would and days i didn't. and i don't have the will power to care anymore. i simply want to not think about it anymore. i remember when i was sober for those 10 years well almost 10 years. everyday i thanked god for another day of sobriety. and i stopped after a few years thinking about drinking... then one day i thought wow, maybe i can moderate. oops.. well i did for a few. but i honestly remember for many years just waking up everyday not having to try to remember what did i do last nite, who do i have to make amends to??? hummmmm.
so shake it off. your parents will forget about this.... you are going to become a shining example for them all. and well, something tells me you are going to see there are a few around you that you are going to end up helping too. so first you.... if not aa. try wendi.com tapes she is amazing..... and everything that rj has is great.. everything.. and if you make a list up of what you are giving up as to what you are getting in life. you will find the life you are getting is better then what you gave up. so maybe start with that. take a sheet of paper. draw a line down the middle. life i'm having with drinking and write that down. everything boyfriend said, family said, you said, now on other side, life you had if and when you have sober life. now see which is more enjoyable... waking up with no hang over is so much more fun now get rj's book, get supps, and start. you can start also with moderation. but start her program with 30 days and the topa which was a godsend to me. cut my drinking by a ton. from 7 days to 2 days a week and well now i'm going af. a choice only. don't have to but a choice.