Billy's Highway File

[Guest]

For those of you that know me, you know I lost my fiance' last year in a car accident. Well, I NEVER saw him after the accident because his family chose not to have a viewing. I had even BEGGED to just see his hand and was told NO. It has always bothered me. I needed to see him. He was very damaged in the accident. I recently found out I CAN view his entire file that the highway dept has....it includes MANY pictures....NOW some of you may wonder why I would want to see that, but I feel I never had closure. MANY, MOST families see their loved one even if damaged to have closure. I am kinda nervous. I am supposed to go Thursday. I figure the pictures can not be any worse than the image I have in my mind. Have any of you lost a loved one in this way and did you see them????

[Finding My Self]

Billy's Highway File

Oh Luv...no I haven't. And it's made my heart bleed for you that you lost such a sweet and gorgeous looking man...as I am sure he was too.

You've done so well....I can understand your needing closure. And sometimes, yes, the truth is just that. And 'better' than the wild, ever changing and worsening images we have in our minds....

But you will have much better advice coming soon I am sure - just know I am thinking about you.

Hugs FMS xx

[Guest]

Billy's Highway File

Thank-you Finding Myself, I just pray I am not doing myself more harm than good. I have made several steps towards healing and closure, I just pray I am not doing myself more harm than good.

[sammys]

Billy's Highway File

Holy shit please honey be very careful with this. I would like to think that the family did the right thing and let him be buried as you remember him. It is your call of course but all information is not always good information.

I will always respect your decision
Will you looking at these pictures images help you??

Love you
Sammys

[Guest]

Billy's Highway File

Sammy,
I have HORRID images in my mind. I am thinking he can't look worse than I imagine he did. They will start with the least worst pictures and I can stop any time I want. I do not have to see them ALL. I am hoping this will be the final step in closure and moving forward. I saw a therapist that specializes in traumatic loss and she said it typically helps to see the file and is normal.

[PeggySue]

Billy's Highway File

Luv,
I have seen your posts since I joined but didn't know the story until now. A year ago today, both my aunt and uncle were killed in a car accident. It was in MS., and by the time I left from Texas and got there, the funeral was arranged. According to their son, my favorite cousin, there was extensive damage, and he had closed coffins. I know it is not like a fiance, but I knew in my heart my aunt and uncle would not have wanted any of us to see them in any way, but the way they were when they were here. Laughing, and full of life. I know if I were in your place, I would probably want that closure also. But I would think, "would he want me to see him like that?" Hopefully if you do see the pictures, you won't go alone. You need someone with you. You are loved by those who post here. Keep that thought with you whatever you do.

[lushy]

Billy's Highway File

Wow, this is tough. I was with my dad when he died and I wish to God I had not been because his face still traumatizes me to this day. I was not with my mom when she passed and for that I am thankful for the very reason I can remember her in a better way. But if you really have awful images in your head and think this will clear things up for you then I guess you must. The only thing I can suggest though is that the images in your head are make believe. Once you see the pictures you will know those are the reality and I would hate for that to skew your memory of him when he was alive. Please really think this through. Once you have seen them there is no going back.

[Guest]

Billy's Highway File

If I decide to go...YES, I will have support. My best friend is going with me. making the arrangements, I felt it was the thing to do, but the closer the day gets, I am having second thoughts. I am going to continue to pray on this one. I appreciate the feedback. I think of you all like my second family.

[Bluebell]

Billy's Highway File

Luv, you're weighing it all up and that's a good thing.

If you have doubts, maybe it's a sign that you are not ready, now or perhaps ever, to see your fiance as he looked after the crash. Although you are painting your own picture in your head, it won't necessarily make it any easier to see it for real. In fact, it will cement it in your mind forever.

If it were me, I would get out photos of when he was alive and happy and try to focus on those. I would imagine if you had a chance to ask him if he wanted you to see him after the accident, he would say no. Don't make yourself suffer any more than you have already.

Take care.

[Mags]

Billy's Highway File

This is such a tough decision. You said you know a therapist who specializes in traumatic loss. I would definitely try to discuss this more with him/her before deciding and set up an appointment with him/her for afterwards if you decide to go see them. I do think you will need as much support as you can get and sometimes professional support is very helpful. I don't have an easy answer for you but will be thinking about you and hope whatever you decide is the right thing for you.

[magic]

Billy's Highway File

LUV,

I think that it is way too early in your recovery to do this.

Unless you have seen someone in Billy's position before~~you can't have imagined the worst.

I would leave this for a while and remember Billy the way he is in your heart.

m. xx

[YoungAtHeart]

Billy's Highway File

If I were in your shoes, Luv, I'd have a hard time deciding what to do, because I am generally one who has to see it all. I don't know whether it will help or not. I certainly can understand that there is the possibility of additional trauma for you.

I think that the suggestion to talk it over with your therapist some more is the best plan, as well as scheduling an appointment shortly thereafter, if you do decide to go through with it.

I hope you find peace with whatever you decide.

Love,:heart:
Kathy

[Guest]

Billy's Highway File

Thanks for all the responses...I guess I should have added that I am in the medical field and have been for 19 yrs....I have seen A LOT...I do realize however that what I have seen was not my loved one. I am taking all these responses to heart.

[Chief]

Billy's Highway File

Luv, I don't think you have to see the photos to get closure. Think about it...there are thousands of deaths that occur every year which result in a closed casket funeral and the loved ones find a way to get closure. There is a reason it's a closed casket.

You have fond memories and real pictures of Billy when he was alive. Maybe it would be best to work with your therapist to get rid of the imagined accident photos in your mind instead of imbedding the real ones into your memory.

You are making progress. You don't want to undo any of that. Just because information is out there doesn't mean it's in your best interest to have it.

Please think this through.....I don't think there is anything positive to be gained.

Don

[nancy]

Billy's Highway File

Hi Luv

I wonder if you want to see them so much because you were not allowed to right after the death ( as opposed to the genuine helpfulness of seeing such photos).

But it seems to be a strong desire for you and maybe you know yourself best and can answer this for yourself. You have a therapist specializing in trauma and you have an extensive medical background so you are not naive. You have a best friend who will support you.

Then again, It does seem possible that recovery could occur without seeing such gruesome photos and maybe you have built this up in your mind as important when in fact you could achieve recovery without seeing them.

I guess my overall reaction is that you have taken a lot of time to look into this and prepare to see them so what does your gut tell you Luv? It seems to be guiding you to view them.