Billy's Highway File

[Accountable for Me]

Billy's Highway File

WOW. I wouldn't even know what to do. I am sending you strength for any decision you make.

[Preciouspinot]

Billy's Highway File

I don't know what to tell you either. If it were me I would want to see them too so I understand. I am a person who needs all the facts and can not leave well enough alone. I hope one day you receive the closure you are searching.

[lucky 2.0]

Billy's Highway File

LUV,

Just wanted you to know I am wishing you peace with whatever you decide.

xo

[KateH1]

Billy's Highway File

Hi Luvuall, First of all I am so sorry for your loss. Losing somone so close to you is never easy. I have had to deal with a lot of losses over the past few years. My grandmother, who was also my best friend, my mom a year ago. My father had them both cremated immediately, not chance for a viewing. For quite a while, I felt sad that I did not have "closure", due to the fact that there was no viewing. I have since, changed my mind. Closure has nothing to do with a viewing, knowing every detail or even a funeral, it is knowing a life was lived and shared. It is knowing that they were loved and that they loved. It is remembering all that was shared. Of course, this is just my opinion.

As for somone in a bad accident, my husband is an MD. He lost his brother in an airplane accident. He was a marine pilot and was the only one in the aircraft at the time of the crash. Hubby's mother, upon advice decided on a closed casket with no viewing. At first, my DH, wanted to see his brother, but then decided against it. Yes, as an ER Doc, he has seen a lot of people ravaged by accidents, but this was his brother. Several years after this, he had the opportunity to read the official records, there were photos, he decided to read the report sans photos. The report was extremely graphic, and even now, he wishes that he had just let it be.

Luvuall, you can change these mind "images".......but,once you see the photos, they will be your last memory.

We are all different, but, I am in complete agreement with Mags, and Chief, think long and hard as to whether this is the best course of action for you. Think about what your fiance would have wanted for you.
XOKateH

[Babyboomer]

Billy's Highway File

Hi Luv!

First- my heartfelt condolences for your loss. One sentence in your post says: "I figure the pictures cannot be any worse than the image I have in my mind." Somehow Luv- I feel that the answer to your question is in that sentence. It is VERY deep. You never had a chance to say goodbye or I love you one more time because of the terrible circumstances. Maybe the dark image in your mind which has been established to be real- is something that can evolve into who Billy really was. Remember your best moments together- and let the beauty in that and in him be your last memory. One thing that nobody can take away- Billy is a part of you and in you in a sense. What made him was not the shell we all wear, but his goodness inside and his love for you!

If I may, you are a very strong woman and are on a journey- if you feel doubt- trust what you are feeling. Thank you for your post, and my best wishes to you.

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

Billy's Highway File

I would do it, that is just me. You might only need to see one picture or even have a piece of paper over half of the picture and remove the paper, inch by inch, if you care to see more. As you said even a hand, his hand ,would help you feel closure. I totally get where you are coming from. Just proceed slowly and with caution.


I'm really sorry for your loss.

[bootcampbarbie]

Billy's Highway File

luv bug back from dr. i'm holding strong. honey, seeing some body dead is not the soul you knew and it will haunt you for ever.... we can talk by phone. i think for you.. you will have to do it but let's set up a time where i can be on the cel while you do it since i've done it so much that i can walk you through it..... you will need me there and don't eat before hand.. you will throw up.. so let's plan a beautiful way that you are going to say good bye on these,,,, ceremonies...... and i recommend you get the music this is a time of your life...or something that you loved together this is a completion and a beginning. but remember this is not the what you remembered and it will shock you to the core....

[bootcampbarbie]

Billy's Highway File

or i would say don't do ever look at it... but your choice remember him as you did

[Cinders]

Billy's Highway File

Luv,

I, too, am really torn on this question. I have worked in ERs and KNOW what people look like after a horrible accident. It is not pretty. AT ALL.

However, you want closure and if "seeing is believing" perhaps that is what you need.

I have a good friend who lost her baby at birth and they never let her see her child because he was deformed and died right away. She hates the thought that she never got to see or touch her baby, even though he may have been ugly. (The hospital disposed of him right away.)

I think you are going through much the same thing.

However, remember that sometimes reality is so much worse then imagination. Not often, but when it is, it is horrible.

What is so sad is that all of us need closure for our loved ones who leave us unexpectedly, and really, the only "closure" we have is that they are gone and Someone Who Cares
has them.

Do whatever your heart tells you to do but remember that Billy is NOT gone, just as if you left this world unexpectedly and your children were alone. None of us would ever do that to our families. We will always be there for them.

Love,
Cindi

[KateH1]

Billy's Highway File

OK...I have been thinking about this since I first read your post, luvuall.

What is Closure???

Is it seeing grahic photos? Is it holding a cold, clammy blue hand? (sorry for the grahic thoughts...but you say you wanted this).....is it seeing the blood and bruising on one you loved? Is it reading the graphic details of the accident? Question.....how will this experience give you "closure?" Let's face it, is it really "closure" that you want.....or do you just want him back?

Luvuall..I understand, you are in pain and you want him back! But, he is not coming back.

Think about it, had it been you that died in this accident.......would you want him to go through this agony? How would you want to be remembered?

xoxoxo KateH

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

Billy's Highway File

I think closure for so many of us is seeing the body, be it in a photograph or whatever. I would not want many people to see me in a bad condition but a fiance, a spouse, a parent, or a child would have the right to see me in that condition.

I have been haunted for DECADES over not seeing the body of loved ones lost. STILL haunted 30 years later, feeling they are still alive. This has never happened when I got the closure of a proper funeral. Just my opinion to share for what it's worth and I certainly do understand where everyone else is coming from. It is such a personal decision.

I'll be thinking of you my dear, stay strong!

[beatle]

Billy's Highway File

This is really only a decision you can make yourself, Luv. But since you did ask us, you are getting a lot of different opinions and thoughts. Most of us have lost someone close to us and have feelings about this.

I tend to think as Drenched. And maybe Boots can help you through it. But of course I wouldn't be writing if I didn't have something to add. I lost someone very close to me a few years ago. It was not an open coffin funeral but those closest to him were allowed to veiw the body before the funeral. Even though he was fixed up pretty well, he didn't look anything like the living man I remembered. It was an awful moment. But now I don't even remember how he looked in the coffin. All I have in my head are the memories of him alive.

So, what I'm saying is that it is possible to get the closure and still keep the real memories alive. At least that's how it worked for me. Everyone is different-- maybe you won't be able to get the horrid images out of your mind. But for me, anyway, the living images are what live on.

[beatle]

Billy's Highway File

I wish you strength and peace in whatever you decide.

[Saint Jude]

Billy's Highway File

Oh Luv bug,...thinking of you....:l :l :h



I know if I were gone...I'd want everyone to remember me .... as I was....(or better)

I guess thats all we can really hope for...

[Suzanna]

Billy's Highway File

Luv, I did not know your story. I am sorry for your loss. I agree with Kate's last sentence, if it were Billy wanting to see the file, how would you feel? I wish you love and strength in whatever you decide.