Pretty Depressed

[dexterhead]

Pretty Depressed

Hi Janka: I am so feeling for you because I know how toxic it can be to live in a household with spousal anger.!!!! Me, I drank to cope with it but you are not and I admire you for that. I agree with Bootsie ...is there any way you can try to focus on you for a while and try to somehow block out his anger and negativity. ??? I know, easier said than done .. but it does sound like he has some real issues and damn, so many men just won't deal with them in a healthy way ... although no doubt , there are both men and women who take out their general anger at life out on their spouse .... Also, you need to regain some power in this marriage ... I am rambling, but you deserve a happy life ... so hang in there!

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

Thanks again Dex, he has always been angry since i've known him at so many things ... this is a hard though because i really screwed up by drinking to excess and also saying some awful things out of anger most recently while sober. I feel so awful and guilty too ... I really do think he is/has been having a breakdown of sorts. I feel so bad and will be kind to him and will concentrate on myself and avoid any angry words/interactions as much as possible, j

[auntiegriselda]

Pretty Depressed

Janka, I think it's really good for you to concentrate on yourself. I wouldn't be too hard on myself for being angry though. It's so hard not to be when you've put up with so much for so long. Maybe he would be willing at this point to go and get some counseling by himself? And maybe you by yourself too? Do you think he wants to stay in the marriage or is he too unstable to know?
Sending good thoughts your way! :l
Auntie

[auntiegriselda]

Pretty Depressed

Janka, I just re-read your posts and saw where you are getting counseling. Sorry!

[Jossy]

Pretty Depressed

Janka, you are capturing everyone's interest! Maybe because lots of us are divorcees. I was very...controllable and needy when I married, and with personal growth, therapy, and al anon, suddenly I knew it was time to leave. Of course, lots of people, like the ones in bad marriages, you know, comfortable and have assets together, but miserable, were my worst critics. Divorce was the best thing I ever did. Of course, the long drawn outness of the legal proceedings and all, well, I got into this 1-4 drinks a night habit. I just think sometimes getting more healthy, well, your life has to match your new growth. And so what you drank one night. 90 days is huge! Last nite I was in the chat room here, and they kept me off the sauce! LOL
Jossy

[YoungAtHeart]

Pretty Depressed

Hi Janka,

I just saw you post and wanted to respond. What struck me immediately was your husband saying that YOU were abusive, etc., etc. I have worked with a number of people who are abusive, and what has been very striking to me has been that they often feel like victims themselves and have no perspective on the impact that their behavior has on others. In his perspective, you ARE abusive, even though that feels alien and hurtful to you. He clearly can't see where you are coming from.

Underneath it all, he is vulnerable and hurting too, although there isn't much you can do about it, unless you both learn to talk honestly with each other without rancor. That seems pretty unlikely without couple's counseling.

However, I agree with Barbie. This isn't the time to separate and divorce so early in your sobriety. I am glad you are going to counseling yourself. You can learn more about yourself and also learn how to be more emotionally separate, so that when he says you are abusive, you can more easily realize that that is just his perspective and not be as hurt as you are now. Unless he gets counseling, I fear that his "mean streak" will remain intact, although I would love to be wrong about this!

Hugs,:l
Kathy

[southernbelle47]

Pretty Depressed

I agree with kathy when she said
"What struck me immediately was your husband saying that YOU were abusive, etc., etc. I have worked with a number of people who are abusive, and what has been very striking to me has been that they often feel like victims themselves and have no perspective on the impact that their behavior has on others. In his perspective, you ARE abusive, even though that feels alien and hurtful to you. He clearly can't see where you are coming from. "

My hubby is like that...he just can't understand....
Learn to love yourself and know that your worth does not come from him or what he thinks.
Find things to do that make you feel good about you...I left mine watching ball games last night and went to the book store....for two hours....felt good to do that....no anger..no hard words...just me saying "I'll be back in a while...I'm going to the book store. "I had my phone on but he didn't call...had my grandson do that! :H
Just decide that he will not emotionally abuse you any more...boundries..I think is what they are called. Refuse to be available for it...

Forty three years here into this...ahhhhhhh how time flies when your having fun! We are much like you in that we have great kids and have stuck it out and glad we did....but it is work sometimes. OK
MOST of the time! BTW...he thinks so too!!
Keeps me "prayed up".....I "tell on him "to my Heavenly Father...Makes me feel better and removes the "JOB" of fixing (Changing)him from me..
He drinks almost every day ......but I am the one with "the problem"...

Any who...hang in.......you are priceless!
:l Nancy

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

Hi Ladies and thank you. Kathy is right ... he cannot see where I am coming from. My therapist said he was a narcissist and I believe that even knowing that will not change. I just do not want a divorce especially now ... I think he is at his wits end (maybe having a breakdown himself), and I think I am more stable than he. Emotionally he is pretty immature. He keeps disappearing every night, which really shows me that he is running away from not only me but our children. I think he has resumed going to AA meetings and that makes me fearful, although you would think they may have some compassion for me and my drinking/sobriety. I really do know my worth does not come from him, but I really hate the drama around here and want things to settle down/get more peaceful for everyone. Every time there has been some crisis/issue here with me or my kids, he tries to run away! Am so tired and depressed, j

[hart]

Pretty Depressed

((((Janka)))

Are you on any anti-ds?

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

Hi Hart and yes, but anti-ds never have worked for me, I think it's a function of my environment/situation though. But I am sticking with the anti-ds anyway. The ambiguity is killing me but I don't think there is another way for now. Love, me