Pretty Depressed

[janka]

Hi everyone, feel bad about starting another thread about my impossible marriage. I have been sober for 90+ days but i am very depressed today. Had a huge fight with my husband yesterday and feel very alone. I told him that i felt like i have never been married, asked him to leave ... he keeps insisting that i am the mean and abusive one!!! That is so untrue ... i cannot take it! He gaslights me so much and is so very self righteous ... whether we stay married or not it is hell. I feel terrible and do not know what to do. There is nothing i can do really, i suppose. I cannot believe he thinks i am the abusive one, and that he did/does NOTHING wrong!!! I am so disgusted, don't know what to do. I already have a therapist and medication ... but those really don't fix things. Any insights would be really appreaciated, j

[bootcampbarbie]

Pretty Depressed

hello my sweets. just checking in before i head out for the day and then travel back to california. 90 days is a beautiful beginning but not quite steady enough to make choices around divorce. unless you have tremendous resolve that is. so if you can get or make some time for you within the relationship so you can work on yourself, reclaim yourself that is a healthy choice. stay away from sugars and carbs they will only feed depression. and being lonely won't change as it isn't about who you are with.. you are with yourself. i suspect you are lonely for you. so let the other person have space and you claim yours. call an end to fighting...... you don't have to participate. leave the room. and really spend time with your grand daughter. i'm sending you big boots love..... you can do this...
okay, saying good bye to vermont and back to calif.

[go2goal]

Pretty Depressed

Janka -

90 Days is amazing! You are in the very good place with that. I suspect the marriage is a trigger and you have managed to keep on track!

I have been where you are with marriage and it's not perfect now, but amazingly better when I never thought it could be. For years, I tried all I knew to no avail - in the end faith kept me going. Then a surprise when he agreed to counseling and we happened on a great person for that. It was huge - we finally talked to one another and heard one another. I share this only to suggest you might let yourself be open to that option and I pray the right counselor for you both would be revealed. Do not give up hope for something better with the same person you have known all these years - it can get better. It was 25 years before we really learned how to communicate and it changes everything.

Sending understanding in the Cyber way,
Go2Goal

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

Thanks ladies, I am at my wits end ... he refuses to go to counseling ... he walked out on 3 counselors in the past!!! I still do not believe divorce is the right answer, but now he is being obstinate, j

[go2goal]

Pretty Depressed

This way not be the right 'vain' for you, but at wits end for me means "Let go and Let God". Whatever your beliefs, you can pray from your heart. It tears you up, I know, when you don't want it to end, but don't know how to make it 'better'. I was on my knees with many tears for a very long time. I was hope-less, he refused counseling too, but somhow something opened up...I don't know what it was, but it has given me more.

Sorry for you.

G2G

[nancy]

Pretty Depressed

Hi Janka

90 days is a amazing! I am really impressed and happy for you.

I guess I am a little surprised because I would have thought without the drinking the marital situtation would improve. What does your husband say of your success so far? It's a little hard to offer advice without knowing what the fight was about.

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

Hi Nancy, I am not sure how it started but it was about getting divorced. His reasons make no sense, and he shows no effort in really moving out of here. I have no clue what to do, but I was very angry last night and said some serious, harsh things ... I really do not want to divorce, j

[KateH1]

Pretty Depressed

Hi Janka,
You have been working hard to get yourself healthy.....90 Days! Great Job! At this point, your brain and emotions should be stabalizing. Definitely a huge help when making a big decision.

I do agree with Bootsie, we are responsible for our own happiness and fulfillment. But, I also know how impossible life can seem, when ones home is not longer our sanctuary. Ours peaceful place for us to regenerate and feel safe. My ex husband sounds a lot like your current husband, with many of the same issues. He had no interest in counseling or anything else to help our marriage. Wow! I could write a book on this one! (but I won't!!). Anyway.....after many years, and much thought, I decided to get a divorce. I had earned the majority of the money during the marriage, I often say I was the "guy" in the divorce. In order to finally get the divorce, I took a huge financial hit.......and I do mean HUGE! But you know what? 14 years later, I have no regrets on this one. I am very happy, my home is indeed my sanctuary and I have wonderful people in my life. Including my significant other of many years. My kids are happy and healthy and quite frankly, I am as well.

Janka, I am not telling you to get a divorce. What I am saying is that sometimes divorce is, in fact the right answer. Life is too short to be miserable. And yes, a bad marriage does, in fact rob us of our happiness and joy!

I wish you Joy!
KateH

[Finding My Self]

Pretty Depressed

Hi Janka - wow, wow, wow! Those days! 90 days +! You have done/are doing soooh well. Never forget that or let anything take that away...

I may havesaid this before but I remember when I was clearly pretty unhinged at things my (ex) said to me when I was still drinking...and yet, when I stopped and Igot angry about something, he said, "But you're not meant to be like this any more....?" Makes me smile because, of course, he hoped I would never get angry/upset about anything again....and so get away with saying what was still, and always would be, hurtful or contentious things! But in a way I was more 'angry' only it was much more assertiveness than rage - that's nigh on gone!!! ! And I got a lot sorted out in that, without the booze to take away hurt, my only option was to remove/change the 'perpetrator' and/or the cause....(!) (It wasn't all him!)

So maybe, even with 90 days, something hasn't/wont change? Just the managing of it?

I am sorry hubby wont agree to counselling - so many wont....mine hid behind saying he was a trained one himself (he wasn't), had read all the books (!?!?) and if i changed it would all be OK. Hmmm.

There is a great book called 'Relationship Rescue' by Philip C. McGraw..... written for both sexes! I have known men pick it up if it's lying around......sort of, they thought of it then...!!
And it has lots of good stuff in it....

Good luck, Janka.... sounds like a New Year want-to-get-on-happily-but-have-got-stuck
situation? So many are feeling low with it jsut now.....(me too!) As the holiday season fades away and the year gets going, I hope things become clearer for you....a bit of momentum and routine works wonders!

Thinking of you ...

Love FMS xx

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

Pretty Depressed

Hi Janka-
Do you mind if I ask: what is your husband's situation with alcohol? Is he a drinker, with or without a problem?

Perhaps that can add to the tension.... if he is used to having a drinking buddy, and she's left him.... maybe he thought it'd me a "phase" when you stopped drinking?

On the other hand, if you were the only drinker.... maybe you were drinking to mask other issues? And now that you have a truly clear head, you are having to face those issues.

Stay strong, and true to yourself. If he's worth fighting for, you can do it!
Peace,

[Determinatrix]

Pretty Depressed

Janka - I think Patty has a good point. He was attracted to and married to a former version of your current you.
As you know, accomplishing something this huge requires major changes.
If he hasn't grown with you or is unhappy with who you are becoming, that could be big.
My marriage is the most important thing in the world to me, so I can imagine how much you are stressing over this.
Get your friend back and talk to him. Find out what he wants.
I hope it is the same thing that you want.
Dx

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

Hi Patty, no he's been sober for 18 years! He's an AA graduate and yes the drinking was masking problems related to my marriage. I cannot believe he is saying I was the abusive one!!! He was! I still do not want a divorce, but he is so unwilling to see his role in our marital situation. I feel sick, j

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

Hi Dtx, he is absolutely uncompromising right now ... I am afraid, j

[Determinatrix]

Pretty Depressed

oh Janka,
I'm sorry. He sounds angry. Do you know why?

Dx

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

Hi Dtx -- I have no clue except that I said some pretty harsh things last night, but so did he. Most often, I really try not to argue, but could not help myself last night. I wonder if this could be fixed? I am so sick, and I cannot take the way I am living, j