Pretty Depressed

[Determinatrix]

Pretty Depressed

I'm going to PM you.

Dx

[Finding My Self]

Pretty Depressed

Janka - I so hope you're doing ok....you're in such safe hands with Dx...

Thinking of you.

!8 years after AA - hmmmm......oh dear? The Dry Drunk? You being sober now means he has no one to 'hide' behind and project his 'dry-drinking' on? No one to point the finger at? The classic, "Tell her off for being so-and-so until she becomes it and I am proved right..." It's a horrible place to be in....keep belieiving in yourself and hope he comes around....that would be so good for both of you.

I hope I've got it wrong and am sorry to be so blunt....but it can happen.

Hugs to you, Janka.

FMS xx

[nancy]

Pretty Depressed

Wow Janka, it sounds like you have years of dysfunctional patterns to overcome.

It sounds like he is threatening you with divorce but not acting on this right?

Is he the type of guy who does not like change? or are there financial issues that might make divorce difficult for him?

For two people who act like they hate each other and hurl insults at each other, you and he seem so reluctant to let each other go. Why do you think that is?

[keeta]

Pretty Depressed

janka,
hey...90 days..fabulous!...What a strong person you must be.
Perhaps your hubby never believed you'd change...that he felt in control of you and your marriage because he saw you and your drinking as making you "out of control"???
Maybe he doesn't want that/you to change???
take good care. i apologise for surmising, as i don't know you or your hubby. but you sound so unhappy.
Take good care of YOU...no matter what else.
thinking of you,
Kee

[Finding My Self]

Pretty Depressed

Um, just wanted to say about the Dry Drunk bit.....I didn't mean to sound all holier than thou about it...we're all here dealing with triggers and 'reasons' and life experiences....I most certainly am....and I can see how easy it must be for some (and I've known a couple - not here) to just stop drinking and not deal with any of the 'stuff' behind it; it's painful beyond belief at times.

Hope that's ok...didn't want to upset anyone....and I hope you're ok Janka...still thinkng of you lots.

FMS xx

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

Thanks everyone, and this is such an awful situation to be in. The thing is we can get along pretty well ... but he has made up some stories that he really believes! All of this can be fixed but he is so very inflexible and self-righteous ... it's killing me, j

[nancy]

Pretty Depressed

Janka,

I am just wondering... Have you put obstacles to him leaving, in terms of threats or anything? If not, he is staying of his own free will and there must be a reason for that.
In other words, part of him wants to stay.

If he wants to be married, he should not be threatening you with divorce all the time and maintaining his bitterness. He should be trying to work things out. And your 90 days should be very encouraging for him. If you are holding something over him that makes it difficult for him to leave (whether this be guilt or financially oriented), you should stop doing so and let him go if that is what he wants to do.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there seems to be some missing info here. he repeatedly claims to want to divorce you and never does.
I have heard of some couples where one person stays because they are worried the other one will self-harm if they leave. That's no way to keep a person in a marriage. So what is your story?

[Accountable for Me]

Pretty Depressed

Janka, marriage problems can be so very overwhelming. We tend to say hurtful things to the people we care the most of.

Maybe apologize for your outbursts from last night. Even if you feel you weren't the one who started it, or whatever. Sometimes just being the 'bigger' person and apologizing for the things you did can make things better.

Well done on your sobriety thus far!

[sammys]

Pretty Depressed

Oh honey, sounds like the roller coaster of marriage and if the rollercoaster never stops get off of it. I know that sounds simple but I see your point, how much does he want you to take and how much can he take. You need a little peace.


XXXX
Sammys

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

Hi Ladies and thanks again for the advice/perspective. I am still upset and stupid enough to have 3 beers last night (my son knows and no one else -- that feels so terrible) despite having 90+ straight af days under my belt. I feel like a jerk, but now know too how awful drinking was for me, woke up so very shakey, yuck. Anyway, don't intend to do that again in the near future. I was so distraught about Friday's argument with my husband and wanted to calm down, very stupid choice/excuse. I hope he and my daughter do not find out Anyway, don't intend to do that again in the near future.

Nancy you make several good points especially that trying to work things out should precede divorce. Also I hold nothing over him except a 28 year relationship, two super kids, a home and some financial security. He could have left already if he wanted to but maybe he is trying to make sure I would repeat my old ways.

I wish he had some compassion. The stress I am under now is far greater than while I was drinking and I thought the reason I drank was because of stress!?? I wish we could work things out and wrote a letter to him (Determinatrix's suggestion) this a.m. suggesting that among other things, including a huge apology for my angry words/outbursts.
I am so worried and feel like staying in bed, not going to work tomorrow ... I need some resolution here and am not getting any closer. Sorry for rambling but still need your support, j

[myra]

Pretty Depressed

Very good point Patty. Just what I was thinking as I read the posts. 90 days is amazing!! You should feel very proud of yourself and peaceful. He should be proud and grateful. Walking out of 3 therapists office is not a sign that he was really willing to do his part and look at his issue.

No easy answers. Take care of you and nurture you as best you can in these difficult days. Your truth will become clearer by the day.

[Reenie]

Pretty Depressed

Hi Janka: Congratulations on making 90 days AF. Despite all the pressure in you marriage, please continue to think of yourself and your sobriety. Keep up the great work. I've been sober over 6 months now. The more time I spend sober, the more I see my husband differently. At first I wasnt too keen on him looking at him through my sober eyes. In addition to maintaining my sobriety, I now focus on making attempts to improve my marriage. I force myself to calmly speak to him when I have an issue or a difficult topic to discuss. I tell him my feelings although it hurts to speak up. Every day I more and more accept him the way he is, and no longer do I try to change him. I've weighed the good vs. the bad in my marriage. I have learned there is more "good" and I want to stay in my marriage, and certainly stay in it sober. Continue to encourage your husband to go to counseling, even if he has to go alone. Tell him you want to save your marriage and in order to do so, it's going to take the work of two of both of you. I'm probably telling you things you all ready know, and things you have already tried. Please give your marriage one more push of concerted strength. Meanwhile, take care of yourself. Your sobriety is one of the biggest and most positive things you have going for youi.

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

Thanks ladies ... you words are very comforting to me. Reenie I have always known my husband was a difficult, pretty rigid man and probably has some of a narcisisstic personality. Hence he can be so self-righteous, unforgiving. What he is angry about is my imperfection most likely and how it appears to others too I suspect. He used to drink so he really should have some compassion but he doesn't appear to. I am so afraid, and he is probably too so he thinks avoiding/running away will make him feel better. He is running away from my "insanity" and yet does not own up to his own mistakes/oversights, not with me, not with anyone. I am so, so distressed and feel like a jerk. I cannot believe he is willing to walk away from his kids and this house (we just completed a major renovation in the Summer)!!! We worked so hard for all of this! I am so sad and at a loss on what to do next. I wrote him a letter and hope he reads it, although when I have done so in the past he just ignored it. j

[Guest]

Pretty Depressed

Janka, you are so conflicted. I have been there done that! Been married 3 times. My 1st husband a lot like yours, we could be looking at black and if he said red it was red and everyone he would speak to it was red. No changing him at all, his way or the highway. I took the highway. 2nd marriage I didn't feel apprciated, I loved him very much, but didn't feel it returned. So I had an affair and left him for a man who was abusive to me. At this point I felt hopeless,I left him and was single not for very long when I met my husband, a good sweet kind understanding man. Who thinks I hung the moon and as he says most beautifully. I have been married to him 16 years and it feels like yesterday. My point dear Janka is life is so very short and every day unhappy is a day happy thrown away. Since he won't leave perhaps you should go for a while to see if you like being on your own without him. You can explain it isn't forever (unless you decide to stay away) but you just need self discovery time now that your sober. Surely he can understand that seeing that he is an AA graduate. I wish you well dear, but grab your life, don't let anyone take it from you. minutes =hours=days=years.
Hugs
Mary

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

Pretty Depressed

Janka, when I do training for groups, or run a seminar, I ask for a simple evaluation, named after Clint Eastwood's movie: "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly". It's really a very easy way to look at life: what is the Good found in your marriage? After 28 years, there have been plenty of Good moments. I'm sure your family has encountered some tragic or sorrowful events, and the "Good" would be how your family reacted. The Bad. and The Ugly. The Bad are the quirks, the pet peeves, the little bumps in the road. I hate when my husband scraps his fork against his teeth (AAHHCK!!), but hey, I can live with it. But the Ugly. Those are the things that must be changed.

Obviously, we want big piles of Good. Smaller Piles of Bad. and no Ugly....

You guys are focusing on the Ugly right now. As Determinatrix suggested, it's great to write things down. To be together for 28 years, the first twenty-something must have had lots of Good... you'll get a fresh perspective on your life.

Oh, and if you need it, here is your "Get out of Jail" card..... by this point, you've been to the potty and eliminated your three beers, so it's done. Over. In the Past, my dear. If you need to be forgiven, well, I forgive you! I totally understand slipping.... and you had THREE beers. Not three 12 packs. Not three fifths of Whisky. You've made one little mistake. Forgive yourself, and stay to your conviction not to repeat it.

Lastly, I'd recommend pulling the plug on your modem today. GO OUT. Grab your coat and your dog leash and take a walk. Enjoy the frosty air and let it fill your body. Breathe! MOVE! When I go for a walk, I talk everything outloud (hey with today's cell phones, I don't look crazy anymore). GO. When you get back, everything will still be here, but your mind may be a little clearer. :l

Much love,