Pretty Depressed

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

Advice very well taken and thanks!!!!! Thanks so very much! I think I'll go get some groceries, plus some. J

[dexterhead]

Pretty Depressed

Happy Life has a good suggestion regarding getting out and clearing your head. Janka, i've been there in the martial abyss. With mine though, hubby turned within a year's time from a sweet, if very tightly wound, man to a vicious ball of anger. It was issues from his past, really ugly childhood, that just spewed out like a volcano. YOu say hubby is focusing on some kind of "imperfection" .. but what .. your past drinking? I don't get it. it really sounds like he's angry that you got sober? But God, all I know, marriages are such complex animals ... I think you should go to a counselor yourself and try to get some perspective. hugs to you and congrats on your sobriety .. !!!

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

Hi Dex and thanks. The "imperfection" is my binge drinking over past 5 years despite the fact that I am an excellent mother and pretty much successful financial professional. He cannot see how he had an impact on my misery. He did. Plus he had a terrible, abusive childhood/father who has passed away, and he has only recently reconnected with his mother, which is great I think. He is 50 years old and terrified of being "destitute," but a divorce would only make financial matters worse.
I am really interested in hearing how your hubby's past made him into a monster ... are you sure? j

[dexterhead]

Pretty Depressed

Long story ... he had a mentally ill controlling, manipulative mom who ruled him by telling him how selfish he was all the time. He was your basic "family hero,"oldest kid, everyone's caretaker, huge overachiever ... very very tightly wound too. Did not want to deal with his past through therapy because he was afraid of opening a "Pandora's box." After 10 years of marriage, we had a huge conflict when he was offered a job in a place where there was little for me in terms of a career. It was awful and not helped by my drinking which escalated. He finally ended up giving up that job but he had had a sea change in his attitude toward me .. blamed me for ruining his life. It got uglier and uglier and he got angrier and angrier and turned into someone I could not recognize. He began to hate the basic facts about me he used to love ... finally filed for divorce, refusing counseling. I did see him a year or so after the divorce, we talked a lot, he admitted he had pretty much had a complete breakdown around the time of the divorce and had been in intensive therapy for many months. very sad story .. but he was a very troubled individual and it all ended up spewing out onto me!
But this "imperfection" .. you've stopped .. how can he still be holding that over your head!!!

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

Thanks Dex -- Hmmmm ... pretty interesting ... maybe mine is finally having a breakdown because he isn't making sense. This all came down in late ugust when he gave me "the papers" and said this was the hardest decision of his life, he had only eight years to live (his creepy father died at 58), and he wasn't going to be destitute with me (and kids). I am 100% to blame, while he was a dutiful, all suffering husband and father (really not true, at all). Only very recently does he complain that I abused him, because I used to be quiet (drunk) and have let my anger show most recently, sometimes inappropriately. You would think after my hospitalization (early October) that he would be thrilled I was okay and sober. But no, not one kind word of compassion. I have no clue what else to do ... I have been with him for 28 out of 46 years ... so sorry for rambling, if we could only fix the shitty parts (angry outbursts -- seems pretty easy) we would be okay, but he h olds terribly huge grudges ... j

[hamlet]

Pretty Depressed

Janka,

I agree with Patty, it matters hugely if he is a co-dependent drinker, I would not be here if I hadn't left my matrimonial home, she and I just fed on each other night after sad night after sad night.

You have done brilliantly with 90 days but it is still early days.

There are other options to divorce, maybe some time apart would help, you could go stay with friends or a relative or even go for a vacation on your own. If this is unacceptable to him ask yourself why. In my experience many people and especially addicts, have multiple addictions, one of which can be people, if you are not "good enough" on your own you can feel the need/addiction to keep you "other half" close either so you can feel that you are OK because of them, or so you can blame them for the fact that you are not OK.

Certainly not advocating divorce in any circumstances that might be retrievable, but you need to try and look beneath the surface.

Many people, and men in particular, find counseling difficult, but often that is because they are to afraid of what it might bring to the surface, again a strong indicator of low self esteem and, sorry to say, another reason to hang on to you - even when the relationship is, at least temporarily broken.

Many many blessings and keep going and doing whatever you have to do to keep being true to you.

M

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

Hi Hamlet, and thanks for your thoughts and insights. No, he is not a drinker and has been sober for 18 years! But he is/was always crabby and sarcastic. Maybe some time off is a good idea. Jumping straight to divorce, without trying other things/options like fixing what's broken, just doesn't seem right to me. I just cannot do/accept that. He is so easily angered and has always been that way. I am exasperated and so grateful to all of you, j

[Cinders]

Pretty Depressed

Janka,

You have said the same thing about him for as long as you have been on this site.

It does sound as if he has a mean streak. Period.

Unfortunately, just like he cannot make you act and do what he wants, you cannot make him act and do what you want.

We only have control of ourselves. Interestingly, one of the things I have read about us alcoholics is that we tend to have controlling type personalities. It is one of the things we need to work on when we achieve sobriety.

I sure do wish things were better for you in the marriage front. I know how tough it is to go through rough patches in the marriage. My hubby has put me through some rough times off and on in our marriage and of course, now I am doing the same to him.

I guess that is the way marriage is, though.

Best of luck,
Cindi

[beatle]

Pretty Depressed

Janka, I am going through problems myself with my husband. But that is not what I meant to write about. What I am hearing from you is that you have all these big problems etc. that sound similar to mine and maybe others. But what I don't hear is a feeling of love or compassion from you about your husband (or vice-versa). Everything sounds so him/me, anger/unhappiness/unfairness. Why are you trying so hard to save this marriage? Your kids are old enough to handle a separation. Why don't you want it? Is there still some love there?

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

So right Cindi and Beatle, but I do love him but really hate the mean streak

[bootcampbarbie]

Pretty Depressed

hello janka. so sorry you drank the other nite but i know you can get back on the af wagon again. again, as i say so much comes up in the first year of sobriety that it is often advised not to make any hasty decisions unless you are in bodily harm in some way. and 90 days is a fragile hold as you saw already. you drank. tis really tough to make major decisions with such a short time sober... and working on yourself first despite hubby i say is still the best option. do you simply have to work on the marriage at this point? i mean you have been together a long time so this isn't new behavior. would it be an option to simply focus in on you and putting all your ground together for you? and leave that story to rest? i mean it doesn't seem like his story has changed much in the entire time you've been together so why the focus now? anyway, perhaps i'm missing something. and you know i've had a few hours sleep only so jet lagged. thinking of you and sending you love and knowing that it is a challanging way to start the day...... stay good to you.

[auntiegriselda]

Pretty Depressed

Hi Janka, I agree with the others. Do not kick yourself for one little slip. You have gone 3 months AF!! That is huge! Your posts have me thinking back to my ex. He was always very insecure and super sensitive. He also was critical of me much of the time. When we were out among other people, I would be afraid I was going to say or do something stupid that he would chastise me for later. When we went to parties or functions he would virtually ignore me.
He was always depressed but the last 5 years or so it got very bad. He would talk of suicide frequently, to the point at times where I'd really be afraid I'd come home and find him dead. Then after being ever more depressed, angry and hostile, he said he didn't want to be married anymore. We were separated a year and then divorced and 5 months later he was remarried!! I put two and two together and am pretty sure he was seeing this woman for most of the prior 5 years. I guess a guilty conscience can make you very depressed! It took me a long time to get over all the negative feelings about myself but now I'm dating a very nice, considerate, normal man who I may marry this year. He [U]never puts me down. I'm pretty sure my ex has a borderline personality. Unable to cope with any difficulties in life, angry at people all the time but won't address the issues, blaming others for his problems, etc.
Sorry this is so long. I just know that sometimes a relationship may not be worth saving. I now wish I had left him many years ago but I just thought it would get better. I know that life isn't worth wasting on someone who is dragging you down and refuses help.
I wish you strength. :h
Auntie

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

Oh Bootsie and Auntie, thanks so much. I really do want this to work out minus the negativity if at all possible. But I will resume working on myself ... i have a psychiatrist, a therapist and medication (ADs) and very decent support/help here. I am so grateful to all of you, j

[Finding My Self]

Pretty Depressed

Janka - I 'm just sending you lots of good thoughts....

Hang in there .... "The night is long that never finds the day" (Bad times always come to an end.....a bit of our Shakespeare...)

Hugs
FMS xx

[janka]

Pretty Depressed

Thanks and I hope so FMS, I really do ...really hate going on this way. Want to live a good, decent life, that's all. I have to try not to get so angry and it's so hard, j