Cant't talk to my husband. Any ideas?

[tiredinhollister]

Hi people

This weekend I had planned to talk to my husband about what is going on in my life. He does not know really how much I drink and some of the things it has caused me to do. I wanted to be honest with him but he blew me off and got mad like he doesn't want to know. How have the rest of you worked with your spouses if you do?

[hart]

Cant't talk to my husband. Any ideas?

Does he blow u off only on this subject, or others?

[Last Of The Summer Wine]

Cant't talk to my husband. Any ideas?

Hello Tired - I'm maybe not the best person to respond to you today, but what the hell, I will anyway. My first husband was a very heavy drinker and he really had serious problems with booze - I sometimes tried to suggest that we cut down, but he couldn't/wouldn't hear of it - now I am the one with the drink problem and my 2nd husband does like a glass of red now and then, but he can take it or leave it. Perhaps your spouse does realise that it's becoming an issue, but doesn't know how or where to find help for both of you, is he frightened to face the facts? - keep coming in here anyway, the folks here are so supportive and amazing - I know that especially today - good luck, there are many of us in this little boat - you will be helped by others with much more good advice than I can give - but I am just trying to give back some of the support that I've been given today.
J

[janka]

Cant't talk to my husband. Any ideas?

Hi Tired and nice to meet you. Well ... I would not wait and have not waited to get any support from my husband, especially my husband. Anyway sometimes the talking for them is too much to take and perhaps they might prefer to see some results/improvements. Wait until he seems more receptive to talking ... have you been mods or af? what are you up to? work on your own improvements no matter what though, j

[Gumby]

Cant't talk to my husband. Any ideas?

I feel your pain...I haven't been completely honest with my husband about my drinking and what steps I have taken to over come it. In the beginning I was afraid if I mentioned it to him, I might have to stay sober, I might have expectations to live up to ....to scary then. I did mention that I drink to much and would like to stop and I was having difficulties with it...his response was "just quit". Well it became apparent to me that he didn't really get it. My husband is a wonderful person, I love him with all my heart. He can drink just a few and doesn't seem to be affected by it, nor has he ever said to me "you drink to much" so it is an area that, for know, I leave alone. I don't know if it is the right thing but I am doing very well here and I feel much stronger, still scared a little but so much better. I had decided this was my problem to solve and I needed to work it out the way that works for me. I knew i was going to be more successful doing it at my pace and not having the pressures of someone judging me, I don't think he would but just incase. What I am trying to say If your husband isn't open to discussion right now, so be it. Better yourself for you right now, then when you are thinking clearer and have been sober you can re approach with a more positive attitude. Good Luck

[tiredinhollister]

Cant't talk to my husband. Any ideas?

The bad part is the drinking is only the beginning. It's some of the terrible things I'vedone while drinking and the ways it effects our intimacy that bother me the most. Maybe he just doesn't need to know?

[janka]

Cant't talk to my husband. Any ideas?

Hi Tired, maybe he doesn't need to know. i will PM you

[Gumby]

Cant't talk to my husband. Any ideas?

You can't change what you have done..period! You can change your future! Keep this in mind while facing the obstacles of overcoming your addiction. You need to be mentally strong for this, you can not dwell on the past as it will only sap you of the energy you need to get better. It is easy to say I know, but I am telling you, if you keep dwelling on what has happened you will not change the future. Face those demons when you are more prepared mentally. Hang in there!!

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

Cant't talk to my husband. Any ideas?

Hollister, I've been married to my husband for 13 years, and when I stopped drinking, I told him that I needed to "stop for a while". When he asked me why, I told him the truth: I felt like I was slowly killing myself, and that I couldn't control it. My husband has been very supportive of my decision and hasn't tried to sabotage my choice~ which, when you think of it, is totally awesome.

I mean, yeah, I've decided to stop drinking, but guess what that means for him? He just LOST HIS DRINKING BUDDY! We used to drink on Friday nights together, and start the "one and done" at about 10 pm.... and then get in the hot tub.... and then, "one and done, and dis time I mean it, dammit!".... and now, it's 12:30, and well, "Just One More!"... you get the idea. When I decided to stop, he lost his buddy. It has changed the dynamics of our relationship, but in a good way. My oldest daughter said that she could see where Dad had a problem, but thought that I just drank too often (don't know if that makes sense, but it's what she thought).

I read somewhere that women are better at hiding their alcoholism. Where it takes a man an average of 15 years to go from a "social drinker" to an "alcoholic", that it only takes a woman 5 years. It has something to do with the amount of body fat, and how our bodies metabolize alcohol differently. (Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!)

And, like Janka and Gumby said, the past is over. Done, and you can't change it. Any type of confession may make you feel better momentarily, but then the guilt that you're feeling will only get magnified by the hurt you see in your husband's eyes. Let it go- forgive yourself!~ and promise yourself never to betray yourself again. :h

Good luck, Holly!

[mn_mom]

Cant't talk to my husband. Any ideas?

Gumby;251439 wrote: I feel your pain...I haven't been completely honest with my husband about my drinking and what steps I have taken to over come it. In the beginning I was afraid if I mentioned it to him, I might have to stay sober, I might have expectations to live up to ....to scary then. I did mention that I drink to much and would like to stop and I was having difficulties with it...his response was "just quit". Well it became apparent to me that he didn't really get it. My husband is a wonderful person, I love him with all my heart. He can drink just a few and doesn't seem to be affected by it, nor has he ever said to me "you drink to much" so it is an area that, for know, I leave alone.

I hear you, Gumby. I hate talking about my drinking with my husband because he, also, is one of the fortunate people who hasn't been addicted to anything. "You don't need AA, you can go without it, I've seen you, just quit". Also, I also fear having to commit to stopping.

[FinallyRN]

Cant't talk to my husband. Any ideas?

My first husband was a drinker. When I tried to stop or even started talking about it he'd run. Me, stopping made him think and examine his own drinking, something he wasn't willing to do. Don't know if thats the case here but thought I'd mention it

[dexterhead]

Cant't talk to my husband. Any ideas?

Hi Hollister! I read a few of your earlier posts! DON't go for full disclosure right now. Try to talk to him about the basic issues of your problem. I think some of us think coming absolutely clean at once is best, but can be too much for most spouses to handle. I know very little but a good therapist could help.... I am with you... much more of a mess than you up north!!!but thinking of you

[Saint Jude]

Cant't talk to my husband. Any ideas?

I guess it all depends on your relationship & how you want to spend your time with your partner.

I used to think my Hubby didn't know how much I was drinking... and maybe he didn't... ounce for ounce... but when it comes down it affecting your life, on a dailey basis,... there is only so much you can "sweep under the carpet"... even if you're a pro... like me...

I'd hate to steer anybody in the wrong direction on advise with this...
BUT... If anything, my Hubby & I have become So MUCH closer since I quite trying to hide it from him. For so long, I thought I was being crafty & wise,.. well, maybe just a bit,.. but not quite enough to pull it off!

It's so much better to be able to be to just say, hey, "This is me, I fight these demons every day. It's part of who I am.

Then again...my Hubby has been around this kind of thing since childhood..., so it's not like it's new to him...( I only thought I had him
fooled when we first met...he really is the more "Saintly of us two)

[Waves 2]

Cant't talk to my husband. Any ideas?

In my experience men don't like the deep and meaningful discussion. My hubby refused to listen, hear, that I felt I was alcoholic ... I left it , but kept to my decision to have 30 days AF. Eventually he asked why. I explained that it was making me feel ill. He didn't like it and for months wanted me to go back to normal. Normal is reassuring for him. Now he has decided to cut down too and is joining me for an AF stint this month. Where we will go from here is anyone's guess.

I suppose my thinking is:

Time gives you time to work through things together.

But I wouldn't burden him with my feelings of guilt at past actions. (guilty feelings can take many forms- I have flirted much -but not been unfaithful under the influence)
Just move forward in the correct direction for me.

just my thoughts. Ignore them if they don't match you.

Good luck in YOUR way forward.

[southernbelle47]

Cant't talk to my husband. Any ideas?

Don't dump your guilt on him.. Take it to your "higher power" mine is God through Jesus Christ and trust Him to have taken it away...as far as the east is from the west.....
He remembers it no more but I do so that I won't do that again!
Blessings
Nancy