Need advice

[Diamond7]

As I mentioned in the ODAT thread this morning, life at our house last nite was hell. Hubby drank too much too quick (combined with meds no less) and started raging. We ate dinner as soon as I could get it cooked which usually means the end of his drinking for the nite but not last nite.....he was hell bent on 'passing out' which included getting all his anger out on us. I managed to avoid the call of the wine bottle which is the ONLY thing that kept some semblence of sanity here.

My question is this....I've been thinking of recording the rantings he gets into when he's like this because #1 he doesn't remember and #2 when we tell him, he denies it and says he 'never said that.' I could play it back to him on a sober day (usually only 1 or 2 days a week). Is this a good idea? I'm a little afraid of the backlash but then again....not much could be worse than this.:upset:

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Love you all and thanks for the support, there's just no way I could be AF 9 of the last 10 days without you.

[Determinatrix]

Need advice

Di7,
I thought about that once because he never believed some of his actions and he certainly did not remember them.
I think if you choose to do this you should carefully consider your approach and be as kind as possible. You need to be resolved in why you want to show him and do it out of hurt and not anger.
I think I would review and show one specific minute to make your point, and then leave the rest with him to review for himself. He will do with it what he will. He could be defensive, get mad and destroy it. He could begin some introspective digging. He could break down and cry. He could decide to watch it with you and be willing to discuss it.
Good Luck. I hope this has the effect that you are after.
Dx

[Guest]

Need advice

im sorry you are going through this with your husband ,Ds advice sounds bang on so very good luck to you with it all.

[hart]

Need advice

I agree w/Dx, give him a particularly, hurtful or irrational part of what he says, then let him review the rest. One caution tho. Don't let him see the recorder while he is drunk and irrational, who knows what THAT might bring forth.

Good luck hon.:l

[MDBiker]

Need advice

Di7, I would be very careful with this. I don't know what your marriage is like, but it sounds like your hubby is drunk all the time. In this case, even when you think he is sober, he is not normal. I personaly would not play this back to him. I might make the recording for myself and to play for him if he does sober up some. It sounds to me like he has other issues that need to be taken care of. I would only be concerned about him doing something you don't think could happen. Believe me if he is drinking a lot; anything is possible. Maybe you could set up a meeting with a counselor or with a psyc. to discuss your marriage and the drinking. If he would go it might be a good investment of your time.

My heart goes out to you and your husband. Life is hard enough when you are trying to quit, and the added element makes it even harder.

God Bless

:huggy

bear

[Diamond7]

Need advice

Dx,

He is such a kind, loving person when not directly under the influence of alcohol. If you knew him sober, you would not recognize the drunk....I do not, and I've been married to him for years. I find myself just staring and listening and wondering 'who is this person?' It makes me sick to realize he's had the same reaction to the drunk me many, many times.

My motivation is definitely not anger, I'm way past that ...and the hurt I have an innate ability to handle, to a point. I understand he has so much pain and anger over things that have occurred in his life, some his own doing, much more not his doing at all. He is naive, as am I, in that he realizes that people very often have bad intentions but his heart won't allow him to assume so and blinds him to the truth. Sometimes it really isn't good to look for the best in people, it's very often not there. I digress....

I agree with the possible reactions and will choose my timing very carefully. His moods are pretty easy to gage. I don't think it's necessary to review it with him, sorry if that was the impression. He can watch it alone and hopefully that will lessen the shock and pressure my presence may worsen. Thank you for the sage advice...

MD,

I truthfully cannot say what state our marriage is in at this point. If the drunken rantings are to be believed (how much credence can it be given?) then we are in a sorry state. The good thing is that I KNOW the majority of it is him trying to push me away. How can that be a good thing? I recognize the fear of intimacy, of being 'naked' emotionally and won't let that effect me too much. I don't want to push him to do anything he doesn't want to, even if it's the best thing for him because that will just make me a 'nag' and drive him farther away. I just have to be sure of what it is he needs and wants and yes, it is very difficult to decipher when someone is almost always in an altered state. Like I told Dx though, he is a totally different person when not actively drinking so I'm gonna try then.

We do not have insurance and cannot afford counseling but he has expressed a desire to seek it out if it were possible for us. Maybe God will see fit to grant us a miracle. I'm not a church going person but definitely believe in prayer, sure helped last nite! Thank you for your insight, it's much appreciated!

Thank you limers & hart also for your well wishes. :h

[Saint Jude]

Need advice

Di7, I wish you all the strength & patience you can muster with this...:h

I know it can't be easy.
My Hubby threatened to record me many a time in years past. He used to tell me things that I had said to him while drunk,...I couldn't believe it.

Still hard to believe I can get that angry & hateful, when drunk...I guess I really do have an "evil twin"...
Thankfully nobody's seen her in quite a while.

[Diamond7]

Need advice

Saint Jude,

Thank you....last nite was much better. We talked about the nite before and surprisingly, he did remember quite a bit of what he said and was regretful. He is depressed and I gently pointed out that is why I'm not drinking, it just makes the depression worse. Such a viscious cycle! He said he doesn't want to drink tonite, said he 'doesn't feel like it.' Yippee!!! Maybe there will be no drinking in this house tonite, wouldn't that be awesome.

I can be the same way when drinking.. angry, hateful, cruel and violent. Glad you are doing so well with your evil twin lol. Hope no one ever sees either one of ours again!