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[hart]

Well made it thru AF day 2 yesterday, by the skin of my teeth. I'm getting damn depressed. Don't remember this last time I went AF-34 days. I haven't been taking my Campral (so damn expensive) but I took it this morning. Last nite I felt so depressed, and it was funny, I luv u guys, really, some of you I feel are among my best friends I never met. And some of you were having problems, and I hope I was supportive. If I wasn't, please forgive me, I was struggling big time last nite. I think I was ok tho, even when depressed my liking/luving for others usually will pop up-----it's the liking/luving for ME that's the stickler.

Anyway, I sooo wanted to drink. When Joe came home w/o beer I was surprised and disappointed. I kept expecting him to call.......that's what he does, call and says he is getting himself beer but won't for me....then that's my cue to say, no get me some two. (We drink different kinds). But he didn't he just came home.

I even ventured I thought he was going to get beer. That has been a cue in the past to say he had thought of it but didn't want to sabotage me, did I want some he'd go out and get it. Damn strong man! He didnt.

So I got on MWO, talked some, then felt more depressed, everyone was so supportive and I just wanted to pout......childish u know. I went out to watch tv....OH YEAH, no books, either. I tell Joe, I think I need a different anti-d. He agrees and tells me to call tomorrow. Then he says, why don't u take some pms (asprin w/sleepin aid) and go to bed. It's like 8am. But I do. Watch a little tv until fall asleep.

Sometimes I guess u just have to hide from the alcohol and depression.

Thanx for reading my novelette. :thanks:

[meditation mama]

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Hey, Hart!

You know, I have done the "go to sleep" many times in the begining. I think that sometimes we are really, really tired when we go back to being AF. It takes a week, or so. So, be kind to yourself, let yourself sleep, don't overthink it. Take a lot of hot baths and just be OK with going to bed. It is your time to heal.. I give you permission...:h :h :h

Try this for a bit before you try different meds.. it may be just what you need...

MM

[trixietrack]

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oh hart you sound so sad. but I can sense there is a little light and hope in there and your guy seems so supportive.
you sound positive amidst the depression, you just don't see it cause you're sad.
Washington state could get so dark and gloomy. Yes a different antidepressant might help.
I have a friend who was struggling for a year, and finally her doctor changed here antidepressant and now she is on something new and is doing so well.
she is 90 AF 90 Cig free and doing yoga.

there is hope love and hugs to you

[Lucy Van Pelt]

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Hart-

I too am on day 2 today. Come on girl, we can do this!! Were you depressed all the time when you were AF before? I bet not. We have to remember that this is just the first few days, and they ARE hard...but it wont be long till it is easier. So, like Chief says, look at it as having the flu for a couple days...Sleep, take baths, and don't be hard on yourself.

Beth

[jane jane]

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Oh, Hart, how dreadful. I hope the pendulum has swung by now. Something that has really been helpful to me this year (all 9 days of it, 8 AF so far!) is remembering the H.A.L.T. warning: don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. The few times I've really felt that ol' craving coming on, I'd examine how I was feeling, and it usually turned out I was simply hungry. Monday I was all four of these dangerous things, plus was facing my "drinking buddy" group that night (French club). I made it, and went to bed without a sip, but it was a real warning not to let triggers build up. I just can't afford to slip again, and neither can you. Every hard moment you push through without drinking will make the next one easier.

[wonderworld]

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Hey - I'm on Day 2 too!
You DO sound sad dear Hart. It will pass. Be gentle with yourself. Rest. Find a good distraction. Sending you a big hug:l You're doing great.
Stay close-

love wonder xx (beth)

[hart]

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(((Beth, JJ, Lucyakabeth, Trixie, MM))))


Thanx for all the support. By the way I'm on AF day 3 today. Feeling a little better because I called doc. Of course, they have to call back.......and I'll probably have to see him. Kinda mildly irritates me. I mean, I have had depression all my life. It's documented up the wazoo, so why do I have to come in to state, why yes indeed I am depressed and seek another medication. Sigh. I guess it's for that $20 copayment

Anyway, I have the same game plan as yesterday, get on MWO as I can, between tokenly working taking my campral, and if I'm as depressed as last nite, going to bed early.

Again, thanx for the support.

[memarcie]

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Way to go on day 3 AF Hart! Now if Joe calls on the way home from work about beer, tell him NO! Be strong you can do it. That's good you called your doc. Give yourself a couple days to recover, try to do things that make you happy(not drinking).

:l

[Niblet]

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Congratulations on making it over such a tough hurdle... We will be there for you xxx

[Diamond7]

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My heart goes out to you Hart .... Hope that makes you laugh but I really mean it, depression is a problem I've almost always had too and drinking makes it worse. Congrats on day 3, I'm right there with you and so are many others here. Feel free to lean hard...we all need each other! Thank you for your support on my thread today, it means that much more to me knowing now how you've been feeling :h . Everyone is right, rest & take care of yourself, that's the most important thing you can do in this effort. :l to you hon.

[Finding My Self]

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Hart - I am thinking of you...and it is of no help at all but I do think that winter 'should' be banned! I don't know if depression was such an issue 100 years ago? Was that because everyone was outside most of the time? If so, we are sooooh short of light....just get all you can....grab the window seat,walk as much as poosible and just stand at the door...

Spring will come soon....we're all with you even though I know it's been a lifetime of depression for you....that sucks. Going to bed early is a very natural thing to do...perhaps you were a hedgehog/door-mouse in a former life?!??

So go hibernate happily - and I'll pray for loads of sun to pop through the clouds...never forget it IS up there shining just for you....even if you can't see it.

Hugs
FMS xx

[KateH1]

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Hey Hart.......geeze, your remarkable husband did not feed your "Excuse to Drink"!! This is progress, Dear Hart! You know, alcohol is positively the last think you need. Alcohol exascerbates depression. Alcohol only creates a vicious cycle. Yes, I know you know this already. No amount of anti-depression drugs can bring you out of this funk, as long as you insist on drinking.

Hart, you are such a terrific lady, I care about you so much. I care enough to be straight with you. As long as I have been here on this board, since the end of August. I see you suffering, yes, really suffering with this. I ache for you, yet at the same time, I see you refusing to really help yourself. I know from my own experience with this beast, that, a half assed effort begets half assed results! My mixed up mind has concocted so many "reasons" and "excuses" to drink, I could honestly write a book! All that these reasons and excuses ever did for me was to prolonge and intensify the agony and guilt!

Hart, I do not mean to be harsh, but, I just cannot say, today, "Oh, that's OK, go ahead and slip again", it really doesn't matter.

Hart, today is day 3.......Keep your sobriety!! Keep going!! You can do this, if you finally completely commit to staying AF......and YOU Can Do This !!

Much Love,
KateH

[Chief]

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We're all rooting for you, girl! Day 3!!! Stay strong and committed to not drinking...do whatever it takes, just don't drink...

You know I think the world of you and would do anything to help you beat this thing...

See you in chat later on..

Don

[janka]

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Hart ... I missed your thread earlier ... so sorry my pretty lady! I adore you you know and am so excited that you are forging ahead with af days. Take it easy kiddo, eat, sleep (a lot!) and be patient with yourself and time ... the days do add up you know and you'll be feeling so much better, I'm sure. Can't wait to chat, hope to talk with you later, love and many hugs and kisses, janka

[SK8RGRL]

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Hart, I remember you so well from when i was here before and you were always there for me, so just believe that you can do this. I am day 6 today and for the first time feel there is light at the end of the tunnel. Best wishes to you