the past embarassment

[me145]

hi guys..i just wanted to vent.. my drinking problems became worse over the past five years. also when my bf had his apartment, i wasnt so caring about my problem like i am now, and we would drink six days a week. he moved back home, and now its back to my norm-which is going out to bars once a week, and maybe sometimes drinking one other time during the week( maybe more-all depends) however, i black out so often , and i am told the following day of what i said to embarass myself and the person who is telling me, etc.. im so depressed about it. I began taking the kudzu the way I am supposed to a few weeks ago, but i still cant live with myself over the things ive said or acted like when i was beyong shitfaced this past year. its gotten to the point that i feel scared/embarassed to even drink in front of people, since almost everyone in my life has hinted or said flat out that i really have to stop drinking.. i cant live with myself.. im depressed as it is... the kudzu unfortunatey takes the pleasure most of it, out of drinking,, so i have to force myself to take it because of course id rather be happy when i drink.

its so sad how this is a real genetic disease. the thing that hurts me so much is that there is a real difference genetically in our brains than others who arent alcoholics. and yet, there is a stigma attached to it.. as if it is our fault. what is our fault is that we really shouldnt take that first sip.. but that is so much easier said than done.. especially at my age..26.. to give up the social life on the weekends. the excitement of going out, etc...
i become a different person when im to a certain point drunk.. not me at all...

Everyone around me now knows of my problem... they havent seen me out since taking the kudzu, and so far its been working ( my problem is binging to the point of stumbliness , passing out, crazy personality-not myself) however, how do you even live with yourself after the embarassment and horrible things youve said or acted like when drunk in the past? i am now thought of by most as an alcoholic.. i cant live with myself knowing everything thinks this way of me ..( even though i want to show them all ill be ok while taking the kudzu , people do not know about the kudzu to much beyong these boards) how do you live with the past?:upset:

( if the kudzu fails me once, i must go af and to aa) so far, so good.

[lakota]

the past embarassment

hey me145, i totally know what your saying here, i too have the guilt that i carry around of all the horrible and embarrasing things ive said and done.
two years ago i got so drunk i decided to take an overdose of the sleepers my doc gave me, i rang all my family and called them all the named under the sun, long story to explain here, but then my hubby found me slumped on our bed and my kids came in too, then they were 10 and 8yrs old.
he had to call an ambulance cos i was in such a bad way, luckily they didnt need to pump my stomach! but my hubby and my kids ( he couldnt get a sitter) had to pick me up in the small hrs of morn and i was out of it totally, i dont remember a single thing, but my kids wittnessed it all and that will stay wiv me forever. they shouldnt have been subjected to that but thankfully ive not got that drunk since, altough i still drink but not to that extent, it really scared me what i was doing to my kids!
gave me a kick up the ass! evryone around me knows that im an achoholic, its embarrssing but its the truth for me anyway, but as for the guilt, you just have to remember that you get drunk for a reason, and its not your fault, you just need some help and support.
just forget about the things youve said or done as carrying guilt around wiv you will not be helpful in your program to stop drinking, guilt eats you up far more than any other emotion, well i think that anyway.
keep up the good work you are doing and you are so young , when you get through this you will still have youth on your side to have fun ect ect.
you are strong because you are here, just remember that and be proud .
take care hun
lv lakotaxxxxxxxxx

[John35]

the past embarassment

heyme145;
I live with the guilt of what I have done everyday of my life. I have tried as best a I can to atone for all the damage I have caused, but in some cases, I have to just live with it, and not repeat it. I wish my friends and family told me I was an alcoholic, but they only saw the funny, generous, goof I was when drunk. They never saw the monster I became when I went home. I don't think there is any shame in being an alcoholic, just as there is no shame in being born with an other heriditary affliction, but there is shame in what we do when we drink. Let that be a deterrent for your drinking. I have been AF since oct. 9th. You should try it. It really helps with the guilty feelings. good luck.

[satori]

the past embarassment

Hiya me145

There is no point in having guilt and reliving mentally all the bad stuff you (we all) have done - absolutely none!

The past is gone - the only thing that is important is what you do right now - in the present moment.

Mentally raking over past misdeeds will not change anything - all it does is gives you a poor mental image of yourself.
This inhibits your growth.

No point in worrying about the future either - it is usually NEVER the way you imagine it is going to be!

My advice is to live life in the present - try to make the right choices minute by minute and the future will take care of itself.

By doing the right things in the present - the people you have hurt in the past will see that you have changed, that the hurtful, drunk person is gone and has been replaced by a kind, thoughtful sober one.

Over time, they will come to greatly respect you for making that change.


Take care

Love

Satori

xxx

[Suzanna]

the past embarassment

Everybody here has given such great advice. I can only think to add that at 26, you have alot of options to socialize that don't involve drinking. Maybe you could concentrate on career growth or some volunteer activities to meet others who do not drink and still find fulfillment and fun. A change of scene and being around people who do not know the drinking you might give you a new perspective. But whatever you do, realize that folks will very quickly find something else to talk about. You did not physically hurt anybody after all. You are a good person! :h Suz

[universal]

the past embarassment

Me - I am young as well - 33..........I started drinking around your age and I can feel your pain.

You have taken the first step by coming here and posting.......you will find that you have a new family in MWO - we will all listen, support and be non-judgemental..........please come back often......

You are a strong woman..........you have taken the first step - be proud of yourself..............be proud of who you are and who you can become.....

We are all here for you.
Pm me if you want to talk.

Love and hugs,
uni

[me145]

the past embarassment

Thank you Lakota, John, Satori, Suzanna , Universal.. I am glad i wasnt yelled at or critisized.. you guys all gave very good advice. ya, my self esteem is below low right now. Its a huge motivation to continue taking the supplements, or go AF if they fail me. This was something that happened before I took the supplements, about a month ago.. I wasnt taking them regulary. Now i am, but unfortunately that night I went out, I wasnt. i read something about how you constantly worry about what people are thinkiing of you, and that is what i do.. constantly, more than others do. however, people are mostly concerned with theirselves.. and not thinking of you to much. ( said the article, and its true when u think about it) but anyway, thank you for your posts.

[Diamond7]

the past embarassment

What Satori said is key IMO.

No way can any of us change what we've done in the past (although it makes for good fantasy), we can only change this moment and ones to come. Has anyone ever done or said something that offended or hurt you? Of course they have...when they were sorry or tried to change, did you forgive them? Of course you did. So now show yourself the same love and kindness you showed them, forgive yourself.... and move forward.

:l

[Guest]

the past embarassment

Hi me,
My advice to you is to rise above anyone who speaks ill of you for any reason, whether it be drink-related or some entirely different matter.

The scorn and criticism of any other can only hurt if you allow it to do so. So, just rise above it, me, for you are worth a million of all the "Poison Ivy" in this world.........their acidic words and snide comments are but a fair indication that all is not well in their own lives and so they seek to direct their personal unhappiness at someone else. Sad for them, really...........

:l Starlight Impress x

[beatle]

the past embarassment

me, you have received some of the greatest advice in the world here. I can't add anything but to say that this is a great place and the advice is worth gold. You are also worth gold, me. Don't forget it.

[keeta]

the past embarassment

morning me!
Lots of wisdom to be found here. A place filled with incredible, supportive, non-judgemental people.
Like the others stated, be proud of yourself, for admitting you need help, and posting it. That takes a lot of courage.
Keep reading, keep posting, and be gentle with yourself. Think about only this minute, hour, day! Whatever you need to move forward.
love and hugs,
K

[me145]

the past embarassment

Thank you Starlight, beatle, and Diamond and Keta.. its true that you have to take the present and not mourn on this past. the past does give motivation though, that is true!! but yes i know, its a waste of time and hurting yourself to constnatly think of what others are thinking. you guys help me feel a little better! i just have to keep thinking of these posts and love myself! ( its hard!) thanks guys. xoxoxox
good luck to you.

[keeta]

the past embarassment

hi me!,
the only way the past is beneficial to me, is looking at it all as a *whole* and knowing i no longer want to be that person!...picking it apart into every little stupid , mean thing i have done while drunk..only makes me feel "small"..."less than"...and leads me right back to drink.
As for what others are thinking about me...i can obssess(sp?) over it...but it never makes me feel good about myself.
I am working on day two AF (alcohol free)...so i am no super hero, in the staying sober department! But i refuse to give up...that is when i will truely fail!
keep reading, and posting...this place is amazing.
hugs,
K

[Sh3LLz]

the past embarassment

Im really glad i found this site. ME, i know what its like to black out and wonder about the next day..

the feeling of people telling you the messed up things youve done. Ive been guilty of driving drunk (never arrested thank God!) but once i blackout while driving and jumped a curb.. i couldve killed someone... :-(

Ive blacked out and become a monster in the past.. im trying so hard to control it all... the mistakes...
Its hard.. keep fighting... youll make it!

[trixietrack]

the past embarassment

hi me been missing you, was wondering what you were up to.
you seem to be doing well, keeping up with the supplements and kudzu keep it up.
In regards to your past please forgive yourself, it is only your past, but don't forget, this will help you heal and grow.
big hug to you.

Trix