Ughhh. am I retarded or WHAT???

[Lucy Van Pelt]

I am writing this out of utter frustration-

I have been on this site for well over a year. I can't seem to get it. I have no excuse to stop drinking, but can't seem to stop. I had a short stint a few months ago..but other than that I drink every night. I have a good family, great job, dont hang with bad influences...but still keep on doing the same crap.

I have such tenacity in life when it comes to other things...why can't I do this????

I will here people say..."you are not ready" but christ, I have been "ready" for so long!!!

OK just had to volce my frustration here....

Me

[Winefree]

Ughhh. am I retarded or WHAT???

Lucy,
I know you as Beth from when I first started in forums and went to chat. You gave me inspiration.
I have been struggling during the wk, which means work is my trigger. Last w/e I was able to do AF.
I do believe the supps are helping and if I wasn't so stressed at work, I would be able to get through on weekdays.
What are your triggers, do you know? Are you doing the supps? Where you one of the ones who thought the CD's were "cheesy"? You might want to give them a try if so. I do believe they have helped me on "my way out".
I still have a way to go, but feel I am on the way.

You have the strength, I know it........keep trying.

Working to be "Winefree"

[Helensback]

Ughhh. am I retarded or WHAT???

I, as usual, am of no help at all.

But I relate.

Helen

[toughintexas]

Ughhh. am I retarded or WHAT???

OMG....you sound just like me! lol I've rarely set a goal I didn't reach, I'm like my avatar, a bulldog on any task, and I've struggled since I got here early March '07, but I'm sooooo much better than the day I sat huddled in a mess, crying on the couch, I just hated the fact that "I'd done it again"....Its hard to kick yourself, but I sure tried...I've slipped, and gotten up, fallen and gotten up, and just realized that this year had to be it....Chief said "its harder to Keep Drinking, than it is to Quit" and it really is true. I think someplace in our minds, we just have to think we are "non-drinkers", not trying to "not drink"....that may not make one bit of sense tho...If you really taste the stuff, it isn't that good, and if you kinda get in tune with yourself after a drink or so, you really don't feel so great either...I think for me, it was/is kinda a "habit"....I just try to do different more healthy things at the time I'd usually pop the cork, and I'm kinda addicted to Tazo Wild Sweet Orange tea now...nuts I know, but it tastes so much better, throw in some light Agave nectur, and some Z Sweet, warm, on these cold nights, all the while, knowing you won't wake up feeling like bird s--t on a shingle! (the sugar thing is a biggie too, the more extra sugar you intake, with the alcohol, makes you want even more), I threw out all the holiday goodies New Years night... You aren't retarded tho, if you are, then the wards and rubber rooms are going to be packed, they'll have to start arguing betw. the Presidential candidates, on where to put all us "Retards", that should be a good debate! Just hang in there, and just pray for the Big Guy to wrap his hands around your waist, pull you outta the slimmey 'ol pit, and plant your feet firmly on a sober rock!

[Prest4time]

Ughhh. am I retarded or WHAT???

Amen!

Beth -- I think we have to hate it more than we love it. Until then, it will win our hearts every romantic evening we choose to spend with our lover.

[Determinator]

Ughhh. am I retarded or WHAT???

heya Lucy, sorry you are frustrated. sometimes when we get stuck in a rut we need to do something really different to change our perspective. a kind of psychological bootcamp of sorts. Can you get time off work to go on an AF camping trip to just think and re-adjust? just a thought.

Prest...for a one-liner that was quite poetic!

[Shikakai]

Ughhh. am I retarded or WHAT???

I thought for some time I was ready too, Lucy... you're not alone. It's a HABIT! A pattern of abuse that we have become so use to psychologically and physically.

Feel stress? Have a drink! Feel depressed? Have a drink! Anything negative that is going on, the only way to "deal" with it is to... HAVE A DRINK!

It's so old! Dammit! Keep coming here, though. Wonderful people who have "been there".

[Rags]

Ughhh. am I retarded or WHAT???

Dear Lucy,
Like your namesake you will find the determination to do this. I've been here for a year too and haven't stopped drinking, but I am so much better than I was. It's frustrating, but I endeavour not to beat up on myself. But I also know when I'm kidding myself too. Our habituation is so ........habitual that it is hard to break away and keep planning and developing the skills that let us focus on being AF for more than 3 xdays at a time. So, why not try another short stint.? Or if you're working , no alcohol throughout the week. But don't treat alcohol as a reward as I still fall into the trap of doing sometimes.
Prest4 hit it right on the button.

[kpuk]

Ughhh. am I retarded or WHAT???

Lucy

Look at my join date.... nearly a year. Same problem as you my dear.

I've cut down but not stopped. Someone said to me recently "it's obvious you're not ready to stop" - aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh! I could have virtually slapped her but then I calmed down and realised she is/was right. However, I don't know why I'm not ready to stop, I don't have the answers and this post is useless really apart from letting you know you are not alone.

I have a good house, good life, good kids - but I still drink. There are thousands of people out there just like us. The difference is we are at MWO trying. Keep trying, that's what I tell myself and someday we will be ready.

K

[Lotus]

Ughhh. am I retarded or WHAT???

Lucy

Like yourself I have too been here on MWO for over a year. Sometimes I feel like I've gone through a round circle and after successful abstinance back to where I was with my drinking habits. Every morning I feel sh*t and promise I will not drink. I regularly read on my MWO whilst at work reinforcing that I will not drink tonight. But sometimes the more I think about not drinking the more I want it.

I've been on the merry go round for a long time now and keep failing to keep up with 30 days AF. I do a few days and then "reward" myself with a drink. Yesterday I started again on my AF journey. I did this by writing a list of reason why I drink and why I do not want to drink. My "do not want to drink" was longer and this helped me. I'm not going to promise that I will again manage 30 days abstinance...because that thought is frightening, but I will take each day as it comes.

Mandy x

[Guest]

Ughhh. am I retarded or WHAT???

Lucy, dearheart I will be here ayear on the 26th. The first 10 months, I did beautifully. Dec and Jan I have struggled. I am not getting full blown drunk everynight but drinking more than what I am comfortable with. I am a stress drinker, but name me a day when someone dosen't have any stress. I got my adrafinal refilled yesterday, when I take it I seem not to want to drink as much. The thing is, there are no simple solution, if there were this organazation wouldn't exist. We just have to be supportive of each other and keep trying. So I want to encourage you to just keep trying, and know your not alone
Hugs
Mary

[meditation mama]

Ughhh. am I retarded or WHAT???

Hi, sweetie!

AAARRRGGGHH! Yes, I know that feeling. For me, I finally just broke. I think you just get to a point where you hate drinking and everything that is associated with it so much you can't bare it anymore. You finally get to a place where you are done with your resolves, your promises, your wishes, your prayers, your romances with it, your tears, your goals, you're done with breaking all of those and breaking your heart over and over and you just, well, break. Something switches. You have to keep wanting it more than you want anything else, fighting it every day, and one day it will happen. You just can never, ever give up. And we will be here.

Never, ever, ever, ever give up!

xooxxo

MM

[charlee]

Ughhh. am I retarded or WHAT???

Beth
I think MM hit it right on the head..."You have to want it more than anything else"...I too, just broke....couldn't do it anymore, it was turning into just to much work and I was slowly destroying myself physically, mentally, my job and family were suffering and I was just plain tired of being sick and tired.......You need to get to that place in your head and fight with everything you have....The freedom is so worth it!

[bald headed old guy]

Ughhh. am I retarded or WHAT???

Lucy,
I have no words of wisdom. Only words of support. Keep trying, make it something you want to do for yourself; not for anyone else, perhaps that will make it easier for you. Hugs!
BHOG

[Lucy Van Pelt]

Ughhh. am I retarded or WHAT???

Thank you all for your responses!

I am NOT giving up. Today is a new day. My sister and her family are coming to visit tomorrow and will be staying with us. That will make it MUCH more difficult for me to drink, anyway (my sis knows I struggle with this, and she and her family are not real drinkers) so my thought is this. If I can stay AF tonight, and then continue AF while they are here, I will have a week under my belt by the time they leave. I don't know if this crazy logic will help me, but I can only hope.

I had a short taste of being AF before and it was wonderful...truly wonderful. I want to be there again.

Thanks all

Beth