Trying to do 30days Af. BUT

[happydog]

Why is it when i mess-up. I just have to keep on drinking for a good few days. Just need to punish myself. to remind me what drink does to me. so i get so bad, THEN i get back on track again.....How many more times have i got to remind myself.

love
Teardrop.x

[Finding My Self]

Trying to do 30days Af. BUT

Hi Teardrop - oh dear....I can seen you sitting at your computer feeling rough and sorry for yourself just now - same country, same time zone, see your face and so wish I could help....

You've said it yourself really.....why? To punish yourself....to get so bad....

Is that why you drink the first one in the first place too? Cos you feel bad about yourself?

Or is that one because of stress? Worry about a specific thing? Or a general anxierty?

Or boredom? (Of nothing happening or repetitive stuff.) Frustration?

What does that drunky-feeling take you away from? Stop you feeling? Even if it's a 'happy' feeling you get from it, that replaces another feeling that was there before the first glass....

Perhaps if you can really find out what that is/was...you'll be better armed with other tools than booze.....?

I have seen stuff recently that I might post on.....that I am still 'taking something' when I get certain feelings/situations coming up...except that now it is chocoalate raisins and coffee with squirty cream on it - comfort food! It seems the trigger feelings are the same BUT those choices of 'crutch' don't get me drunk so I can continue to learn what 'upsets' me..... (and the chocolate and cream does the trick so I can carry on without feeling bad - I'll get to the sugar thing one day!!)

I don't know if this has helped any but just wanted to send love and support, Teardrop... Remember to read your signature; it's true and we're all your friends and want to see you feeling better...

(This winter stuff aint helping any! Hope you've got a bit more light than we have today! The East wasn't mentioned for this foul 'mizzle' (drizzle/mist) we've got today! Think SUN big!)

Love to you Teardrop...
FMS xx

[morrison]

Trying to do 30days Af. BUT

Well, it does seem to get harder for awhile before it gets easier.Especially if you're a "bender" type drinker. Keep that in mind. I would go on some major benders myself. I think (personally speaking,) the physical and emotional damage after a bender is so awful, it is enough to keep us sober awhile. Then, you start to feel good, and think, "wow, this is so much better than feeling like crap." Well, sure enough, we become complacent. Daily life resumes, and with that comes some negative forces. It's inevitable since no one's life is perfect. We are also going through a period of physical, psychological, and emotional changes well after the initial withdrawals go away. For me, I feel an insurmountable amount of guilt, and I'm past 50 days. I'm here typing because I can't fall asleep. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever be forgiven for my sins. I realized some time ago I couldn't drink one beer without going on a bender. The self loathing would become unbearable, and I would say f**k it, only to worsen things. Somehow you have to create reminders not to do it again. It sounds like right now you are aware of this pattern. You know you have to break it. Analyze the root of your problems, and work on them. It really helps to try to focus on other things. I got heavily into reading again. And that in itself gets frustrating, because my mind will always wander into something negative. Usually past events, or present, even future events I have no control over. I then get angry. I realize this was one major, perhaps the largest catalyst of my own habitual relapses. You're doing the right thing for seeking out support. I mentioned on another thread my feelings toward this nightmare. First, realize there is a problem. Sounds like you've done that. Second, realize it will ALWAYS be a problem. A day will never come where you can drink. If that was the case, you wouldn't be here, right? As easy as that second part sounds, I believe it is the harder of the two. Third, follow through with the plan and commit to staying sober. Fourth, forgive yourself and move on and live a productive life. I have to remind myself constantly of that second part. That is where I would always trip up. You know how it goes. "Well, I've been so good. I deserve a drink. Just one." Never enters the true reality of what inevitably will happen. Everybody has to hit a rock bottom. That is what it takes. Don't let your rock bottom be a complete tragedy. Our mind is certainly our own worst enemy when it comes to addiction. We feel we need things NOW, and will always sacrifice the future for the present. This is irrational and dangerous behavior, because the future always becomes the present. I'm trying to train my mind to always look at my actions to how they will affect me not only at the present moment, but down the road as well. When I look at people in my life that seem to have it together, whether it be financial stability, their family, health, et al, it seems they are much better at looking at the whole picture than I ever was. Maybe breaking the habit of living for the moment is a great first step. I hope I don't come off as being too preachy with this long post. I'm actually talking to myself as well as anybody else that might read this, as we can learn so much from each other. I pray for your success.

[keeta]

Trying to do 30days Af. BUT

Teardrop,

I am living my own struggle right along beside you, so I really have no great words of advice.
Do be gentle and kind to yourself. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward.

You CAN do this, we can do this. Let's not let this S.O.B. AL win, ok?

Take good care.
You are in my thoughts.
much love and hugs,
K

[happydog]

Trying to do 30days Af. BUT

Thanks guys, YOU have help me a lot.

Love
Teardrop.x

[dexterhead]

Trying to do 30days Af. BUT

Teardrop : I am exactly where you're at. seems hopeless right now ... winter is tough . thinking of you:l

[Cinders]

Trying to do 30days Af. BUT

morrison;259610 wrote: Well, it does seem to get harder for awhile before it gets easier.Especially if you're a "bender" type drinker. Keep that in mind. I would go on some major benders myself. I think (personally speaking,) the physical and emotional damage after a bender is so awful, it is enough to keep us sober awhile. Then, you start to feel good, and think, "wow, this is so much better than feeling like crap." Well, sure enough, we become complacent. Daily life resumes, and with that comes some negative forces. It's inevitable since no one's life is perfect. We are also going through a period of physical, psychological, and emotional changes well after the initial withdrawals go away. For me, I feel an insurmountable amount of guilt, and I'm past 50 days. I'm here typing because I can't fall asleep. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever be forgiven for my sins. I realized some time ago I couldn't drink one beer without going on a bender. The self loathing would become unbearable, and I would say f**k it, only to worsen things. Somehow you have to create reminders not to do it again. It sounds like right now you are aware of this pattern. You know you have to break it. Analyze the root of your problems, and work on them. It really helps to try to focus on other things. I got heavily into reading again. And that in itself gets frustrating, because my mind will always wander into something negative. Usually past events, or present, even future events I have no control over. I then get angry. I realize this was one major, perhaps the largest catalyst of my own habitual relapses. You're doing the right thing for seeking out support. I mentioned on another thread my feelings toward this nightmare. First, realize there is a problem. Sounds like you've done that. Second, realize it will ALWAYS be a problem. A day will never come where you can drink. If that was the case, you wouldn't be here, right? As easy as that second part sounds, I believe it is the harder of the two. Third, follow through with the plan and commit to staying sober. Fourth, forgive yourself and move on and live a productive life. I have to remind myself constantly of that second part. That is where I would always trip up. You know how it goes. "Well, I've been so good. I deserve a drink. Just one." Never enters the true reality of what inevitably will happen. Everybody has to hit a rock bottom. That is what it takes. Don't let your rock bottom be a complete tragedy. Our mind is certainly our own worst enemy when it comes to addiction. We feel we need things NOW, and will always sacrifice the future for the present. This is irrational and dangerous behavior, because the future always becomes the present. I'm trying to train my mind to always look at my actions to how they will affect me not only at the present moment, but down the road as well. When I look at people in my life that seem to have it together, whether it be financial stability, their family, health, et al, it seems they are much better at looking at the whole picture than I ever was. Maybe breaking the habit of living for the moment is a great first step. I hope I don't come off as being too preachy with this long post. I'm actually talking to myself as well as anybody else that might read this, as we can learn so much from each other. I pray for your success.

Morrison,
What an awesome post. You have written in a few succint words what all of us feel.

Thank you,
Cindi

[retteacher]

Trying to do 30days Af. BUT

TD: I think that, for me, the future wo/drinking seems very bleak. I must keep a daily hold on my sobriety. When I even think about it, I must turn my mind to other things. No one is immune. This is a disease I'm fighting. Mary

[hart]

Trying to do 30days Af. BUT

((Teardrop))

I too am struggling. I'm going to be AF today. I just am, whatever happens today, whatever Joe does, no excuses. Because I'm real tired of hating myself for my addictions. Let's do this AF thing today, you with me?:l

[betty boop]

Trying to do 30days Af. BUT

Teardrop, and anyone else that are struggling, be strong, I'm not totally AF my self but I can promise you that the more AF days that you have, the better you feel, and the easier is to just have one and not get 'hammered'. Trust me, you can do this .........:l

[jupiter]

Trying to do 30days Af. BUT

That is a profound way to explaining this addiction. i'm a binge drinker myself. and i can tell the moment i pop the top that i'm going to get obliterated. and i won't remember a thing.

[MDBiker]

Trying to do 30days Af. BUT

Here is something I posted on another thread, but if you will do this it will help. The only way it will help is if you will commit to doing this before you drink.

I could screw it up easily, but I have tried to put in safeguards to prevent me from losing my mind and drinking. (1) I have y?all to call before I take a drink. (2) I can pray for knowledge and direction. (3) I can come to this site and get help with my predicament. (4) I can read something spiritual if I feel the need to have a drink. And (5) I can make a list, on paper, of the pro?s and con?s of drinking today. This list of 5 things I need to have with me in my pocket in case I feel the need to have a drink today. Not things I need to have in my head, because when I am far enough gone to think I need to have a drink, I am not in my right mind enough to remember them. I need to have these written down and placed into my billfold so I can remember to get to them before I drink. I also have to add (6) If all these fail, get drunk. It is always an option I have to consider.

God Bless

:huggy

bear

[keeta]

Trying to do 30days Af. BUT

MD
oh my God I needed this list...I am stealing it and using it.
I am not so sure about God in my life, but I hope yours blesses you for this,
Love and hugs,
K

[keeta]

Trying to do 30days Af. BUT

[ame=http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=V9NkGdZ-N2E&feature=related]YouTube - Lifehouse 'Everything' - Skit - Revised[/ame]

the battle between the real me and alcohol...good and evil...God and....

(sorry if this offends anyone...i cried like a girl when i watched it)

Love and hugs,
K

[MDBiker]

Trying to do 30days Af. BUT

You are welcome Kim. I hope it helps. I don't mean to push God on you. He is real to me,and I cannot help but acknowledge that. I cannot go to the YouTube site since i am on a dial up i would be here for hours downloading a little snip. lol I wish you the best.

bear