need parenting advice badly!!!!

[lakota]

hi all, this is advice needed for my parenting rather than my drinking!!
i have a 9 yr old daughter( who thinks shes 21)! she is a clever, kind and loving lil girl but this past few months shes turned into a wee horror!!
she is having probs at school and talks to me and her dad like a piece of dirt, she is awful to her older sister, who yesterday told me that she is horrible to her friends at school.
basically shes not a nice person to be around, we take time to talk to her but she just blows up into a rage, shes dragging me down and its no wonder i drink!! ( not an excuse, but gee sometimes it helps me)
im thinking about going to see my gp?? idont beleive in meds for kids but she really is driving me crazy, any help would be much appreiciated , she is a real lil monster.
lv lakota xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

need parenting advice badly!!!!

Lakota- How old is your other daughter? Are they close? Kids are sensitive to all of the changes going on in homes- how's the drinking in your house? Do you and your husband get along? Is there any tension in the house?

And while they are all sensitive, they all grow up differently~ one will be the textbook angel, and the next will be stubborn, or overly sensitive.....

Are you and your husband consistent in your discipline strategy? Does she try to pit "Ma against Pa"? Will she cry and whine until she gets her way?

I'm not much for meds for kids either.

[derrygirl1]

need parenting advice badly!!!!

Lakota, my older son is now 13, when he was around your daughters age he was the same way, however it was related to my drinking. He realized I wasn't the same as other mothers, I was sleeping late, asleep when he came home from school (always recovering from a hangover), and he was very angry and nasty towards my husband and I. We punished him, by taking away computer etc. but what he was telling me was true, I was a drunk. I wish I could tell you that I stopped drinking then but oh no! Instead I'd wait until he went to bed. I used the same rationale, no wonder I drink!
I didn't want to go go family counseling in case my dirty little secret came out.
I realize I'm really not giving you any advice here for which I apologize, just telling you my experience.

[meditation mama]

need parenting advice badly!!!!

Lakota.. I also had the same experience as derrygirl. I have a very intelligent little 11yo, but when she turned 8 she started acting out. I think this is when she really started to understand that I was drinking. The difference between me and other Mothers. I treid to be "normal", was at all functions, did the homework thing, made dinner, had a clean house, a job, etc., but I drank and I was different when I did. I wasn't present. I tried to figure out what the hell could be going on with HER, but I finally figured out it was ME.

Since then I have made a concience decision to quit drinking, I actually did for 6 months back 3 years ago, then only drank when she was at her DAD's, but eventually the last year started drinking around her again. She started acting out at school and her grades dropped! Well, what do you know...

Anyway, I don't know if this is your situation, but it was for me. I have now been sober for 19 days, and already see a difference in the way we are communicating and her demeanor. makes me sad, but hopeful.

Good luck..

Namaste,

MM

[lakota]

need parenting advice badly!!!!

wow thanks all of you for taking time to help.
i must say also that she has always wanted to be the centre of attention from day 1!! tis such a good job my eldest girl(she is 12) is good!! i would have no hair left if not lol.
we have a happy home, my hubby and i get on great, we never argue in front of the girls cos i grew up in a home like that and wouldnt want my girls subjected to what i wittnessed, no way.
as for my drinking, there was only one time that i really put the frighteners up them and that was 2 years ago, i stupidly got drunk, took all my sleepers and wanted to die!!! they wittnessed me being carted of to a&e in an ambulance. that gave me a kick up the ass to join this place, and get help .
i can honestly say hand on heart, and hubby will back me up too, i have not been drunk like that since and i have cut down so much, if not af.
im not saying that it hasnt affected them at all, no way but we are a very close family, we all communicate as much as we can, and im just so confused cos i dont know what im doing wrong?????
im no perfect mom i know that but i love my kids and always put them first( well not that nite 2 yrs ago) and i just think ive come to the end of my tether with her!! she says shes posessed and cant help being naughty!!! gee have i got the next damon on my hands or what!!
well im gonna go and speak to her teacher next monday, and they have a counsellor there too so hopefly that will help me in my quest.
thank you so much for your time, i will keep you posted on to what happens next week
wish me luck cos tis the weekend!!! aaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh
lv lakota xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
ps any new advice over next 2 days will be greatly welcomed xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[southernbelle47]

need parenting advice badly!!!!

I would suggest you take her for a check up. Shes probably getting into the pre hormone thing...They can tell by blood test.
Find out what your dealing with in that area and then you can work on the emotional. She needs you and her dad to be her parents. She wants you to stop her..she may kick and fight about it but it is what she has to have to understand rules and values and life...It's funny but kids feel loved if their parents take the time to care and make sure they learn how to behave.
Have you ever watched "The Nanny" on tv?
Or the Dr. Phil show?
They both say kids behave the way they do "because they CAN".....
Mine are all grown up now. There was a time around 13-14 years old that we wrote letters to our daughter to keep the comunication flowing...
Parenting is not for sissies. Its hard work but very rewarding if you use the correct "tools".
BTW...drugs would be the very last thing I would use on a child....that teaches them to pop a miracle pill instead of doing the hard work they need to do. There are No pills to fix everything.
Just sign me an "Old mom"...I'm proud of every gray hair on my head...I earned every one of them! :H
:l Nancy

[southernbelle47]

need parenting advice badly!!!!

Maybe she is 'acting out" because she doesn't feel she can be as good as her sister? Help her to be good at what SHE CAN do. Something different from sis.

It is ok to disagree , even healthy, in front of your children. In the right way of course. They know if there's something simmering underneath and they may feel its their fault if its not discussed in the open. I'm so happy to hear that you have been able to cut down on drinking. Keep up the good work.
Nancy

[Cinders]

need parenting advice badly!!!!

Lakota,

One other thing to add to all the great advice here is that if she "suddenly" changed, it is possible something happened. Something taumatic that is really bothering her.

I am not suggesting anything at all because what can be traumatic for a young person is just a blip on our radar.

Some children have a hard time talking about their feelings.

Best of luck, I hope the counselor can help.

Cindi

[Thankful]

need parenting advice badly!!!!

Hi, Lakota. Sounds like you are on the right track with the counsler. Kids have a tendancy to open up to them more than parents or sibs.

Just wanted to further comment on the pre-hormonal issue. This could really be it, even if you think she may be too young. My mom got her cycle at age 9, me at 11 and my older sister didn't until she was 17! So you can't be sure by what runs in the family. It could just be her time (or it may be fast approaching) and she might be embarassed or too scared to discuss it. Maybe a trip to dr, (not for drugs) but for a hormone check just might help. Lord knows I feel posessed each month - lol.

Seriously, good luck. Let us know how everything works out for you and your family.

Love, Me
:l

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

need parenting advice badly!!!!

Is it possible someone could be sexually abusing her? It is sadly more common than people think. Something is really bothering her, maybe she needs to talk to a professional.

I hope things get better soon!

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

need parenting advice badly!!!!

Lakota~ please don't consider me daft, but have you sat down with your daughter to have a mom/daughter talk? Based on your second post, your homelife sounds as close to normal as normal can be. So, have you taken any time for just her? Maybe she is dealing with figuring out her place in the family. When she talks to you and your husband "like a piece of dirt", how do you react? Do you ignore it? Do you fly off the handle? Do you put soap in her mouth? Is there consequences for that behavior? If there are immediate consequences, have you sat down later to simply reinforce why that is unacceptable?

Maybe something else is going on- maybe there's a bully at school? What about her teacher? My third child had a HORRID teacher in 4th grade, and unknowing to me, she underminded his self-confidence. He writes with his left hand, and she thought he was too messy (which he was).... but rather than work WITH him, she started giving him zeros because she "couldn't read it". So, his grades started falling, and then he started to hate school, and he no longer would write creative stories because all that she would do is criticize him... Luckily, I figured it out and got the principal involved, and the teacher was put in her place. Fortunately, he was blessed with an awesome 5th grade teacher.

Can you think back to a situation when this started?

[trixietrack]

need parenting advice badly!!!!

southernbelle47;261051 wrote: Maybe she is 'acting out" because she doesn't feel she can be as good as her sister? Help her to be good at what SHE CAN do. Something different from sis.

It is ok to disagree , even healthy, in front of your children. In the right way of course. They know if there's something simmering underneath and they may feel its their fault if its not discussed in the open. I'm so happy to hear that you have been able to cut down on drinking. Keep up the good work.
Nancy

great advice southernbelle:h

[Waves 2]

need parenting advice badly!!!!

Looking back on my time with my daughter at this age I should have made more time to hug her and sit quietly just with her.

Quiet times now are when she talks most to me.

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

need parenting advice badly!!!!

You are so right, Waves. When my children were little.... I'd say up to age 5 or 6, I'd unconditionally hug them.... free hugs.... but when they started to get taller, I started treating them like mini-adults, and hugs were only on demand. Over the last couple of weeks, my 12 year old boy has started to sit by me at night and cuddle, which is a first~ maybe I'm not sending out the No Hugs Karma anymore?

[Gumby]

need parenting advice badly!!!!

I must say this sounds very familiar. I have 3 girls first two are months apart. The oldest is a poster child for the worlds best child! The second is a poster child for the worlds worst behaved child. Now that sounds cruel, I know, but I love them all equally for who they are. As for my second child she has been the way she is since the day she was born. She came out screaming, impressed all the labor and delivery staff...like wow, never heard a baby scream like that before.

Well 14 years later I can say I have had a very difficult time with her. This has been a life long struggle. I have tried it all. Taken parenting classes, counseling for her, then me. Everything but meds. She has a hard spot in the family. She has to walk in the footstep of her older sister. Miss perfect. Class Val. outgoing, loved by all etc. I recognize this is a hard place to be. More recently as a teen, I have had holes in the wall that she has made out of not getting her way, gotten the F... bomb on quite a few occasions. the list goes on and on. Always shock factor for her. I feel your pain. I use to feel like she was the biggest challenge of my life, she is but now I look at it like she is my teacher. Sounds strange I know. But it helps me to feel like this was how it is suppose to be and that it wasn't all my fault. Ya know our minds say...what did I do wrong, what could I have done different....on and on.

She recently decided the grass would be greener at her dads house and she decided to live there. Although this came with quite a bit of sadness, it has been one of the best things for our household. I now know what it is like to have a "normal" life. I still struggle with this decision every day, but like I said it has been blissful here at home.

So not to turn this into my story, What I wanted to say is sometimes people are who they are. Even as kids. You can't always mold them they way you wanted them to be. Dam it, once I realized that I felt a little less responsible for her behavior. I know I have tried my personal best to help guide her through this difficult world we live in. I have talked with her over and over on why her behaviors are not acceptable and why people react they way they do to her. At one point I had taken so much away from her that there was nothing left to take, except food and the air she breathes.... and I considered that at times but I think that is called child abuse. I mean she had no door left to her room at one point, she had slammed it in my face one to many times.

I still wonder why and what and how and all the thoughts that go with it. I think that these are normal thoughts for a caring parent to have.

As for you.... you care enough to take the necessary steps to help your daughter. You are seeking help and you recognize she needs help. It is hard, I will admit, but what has helped me is be consistent with reactions, instill in her your expectations, which I find is different for every child. Teach her that every action has a reaction. Be kind to yourself, remember you are trying and will probably have moments of weakness. Counseling has helped, but she hates it. As for the parenting classes some have helped and some not. I kind of pick and choose what works for her and us. Things are still far from perfect and I do worry for her future. I can only do so much. You can only do so much. Good luck sorry about rambling on, but this was right up my alley, lived it, living it and continue to learn. Good luck.