Confused and Hurting

[Accountable for Me]

Hi all,

I don't like to particularly start a new thread all about 'me' but I really need some advice.

A lot of you know my husband and I have had our share of problems for the last year which has resulted in two separations.

We are both alcoholics and can be very selfish people.

I stopped drinking and he carried on. I was completely miserable and felt all alone. So in November I left him... thinking this time for good.

I got a great job, daycare for my kid, BUT had to live with my Nana. It wasn't easy, and we faught a lot... mainly over my husband. She just didn't know when to leave things alone and was Hell bent that my daughter did not need her father - which I think was totally fucked up.

Well, this weekend my husband came over for a visit, in which we were doing the 'visits' frequently, and my Nana blew a gasket. So I blew a gasket and left back to be with my husband full time. My Nana lost her husband over 3 years ago and doesn't want to be alone, and was starting to control my life.

I have been here for 5 days and I am hurting. I am hurting because I feel like I lost something. I feel like I lost a great job, and my independence. I know that jobs come and go, but I really feel like something is lost. My employer thinks I am here because he is sick and they are probably still thinking that I am coming back once things are OK. This is because I am scared to let them go - because YES I am unsure. (I haven't been sure of anything in YEARS!) Which is making me feel really sick and it isn't fair to them.

I know that my husband and I ultimately want to be 'together' again. He has been working on him, and me on me... so why is this KILLING me???

I think it is important for children to have both parents in their lives if possible. I have compassion for my husband and his ways with alcohol because I have been there. He has given up the binge drinking for the most part, and I always believe that people deserve a chance if they put forth an effort.

I know no one can tell me that I am doing the right or wrong thing, but I am wondering what your views are in regards to making a family work? I have NO ONE to talk to about this because my family has hated me since the day I was born and think I am a total loser anyway.... and friends, well, since I started abusing alcohol, I don't have any close friends anymore.

So.... I am reaching out to you guys. I am really messed emotionally. I am feeling guilty no matter what I try to tell my head. Guilty for my Nana, my job, my husband and my daughter.

[Accountable for Me]

Confused and Hurting

and no, I cannot commute.... too far.

[MyChoice]

Confused and Hurting

oh dear,
you're right - no one will tell you what's best...but I think the first step is to be true to yourself and identify what YOU really want, what will make YOU happy, because if you are happy - the world around you is happy. Do you know what I mean? Do you really want to be with your husband, or do you need to be with him because you want your daughter to be raised in a family with both parents? Forgive me for my directness please.

[Accountable for Me]

Confused and Hurting

No, I appreciate your directness. I want and I mean really want to have my family together. I do love him. I know that he really does love me to. We are alcoholics, ended up with a child together, I cleaned up and he did not.

When I left him, it was his wake up call. I had to get things sorted out for me and my daughter in means of a job, etc. I wasn't happy though. I loved my job, but that was it.

I am starting to think I will never be happy. I had a HORRIBLE childhood, and even into my adult life, my family is so bloody harsh towards me and stabs me in the back when they get a chance that I have a hard time making a stable life for myself. They are all alcoholics too and miserable, but it is me that is singled out. I can do nothing right ever, and so forth.

My husband comes from the same type of family. His abandoned him when he was very young. He got into drugs and alcohol. This is where we connect. We have a lot in common, we both really do have big hearts... but hey, we are alcoholics with baggage.

It just came to a point in my life over a year ago that I decided I couldn't drink my life away anymore. I have a beautiful young child who needs me. He couldn't see where I was coming from. It was only when I left he realized that I was serious about making a better life for me and my daughter.

So here we are......... I honestly think it is guilt.

[MyChoice]

Confused and Hurting

oh dear! this is really tough!...sounds like you have to face a real difficult decession - your husband and daughter or rest of your family, such as Nana. If your husband is working on himself - he deserves a chance and your daughter deserves a chance to have a dad, and you deserve a chance to be with a man you love. IGNORE what nana says. Don't listen, or listen but do what you feel is right. It is not her show to run. It is yours and you are screen righter, the director and the actor. You know, I read somewhere one advice, that i want to share with you. It was said to look at the situation as if not you, but your child was in it. What would you suggest she did if she was in your shoes - then do it yourself. We all know a parent (a good one - like you!) wouldn't advice her daughter anything bad right? Think about that dear.

I have to run home and deal with my husband - agghhh - it is never easy!!

Take care honey, stay strong. You will figure it out.

I will be thinking of you this weekend.

[Accountable for Me]

Confused and Hurting

WOW! What a way to really look at it! Thanks so much for this. I truly appreciate your words of wisdom, and your responses. It will really give me something to think about. Help me sort out all of the junk in the head.

Again, thank you. Have a great weekend!

[betty boop]

Confused and Hurting

AFM, this is really a tough one and I cant advise, other than to agree with mychoice, and to throw it back at you and say, 'What would you say to me if I asked this question'?

Listen to yourself love, and believe in your decisions .......

Love & Hugs,

[Accountable for Me]

Confused and Hurting

You know... funny thing. I stepped away from the computer for a whole 10 minutes LOL, and was picking up some of my daughter's toys and suddenly got really angry.

I am soooo angry that I have been living my life trying to get acceptance from my family. We are talking a 35 year old still pining for my families acceptance and love.

I have just realized that no matter what I do, it will never be good enough. I have been married to another man before in the past who was nothing but good to me, had money (I know - but he did), and treated me like gold. They had a problem with him and stopped talking to me. So ultimately that relationship failed because I 'needed' to be 'needed' by them.

I developed a huge problem with alcohol. When I really needed them, they kicked me to the curb.

When I asked myself that question that MyChoice suggested, it really dawned on me. I am not doing this anymore. I am not doing the YO-YO dance. I know where I stand even after being squeaky clean for the last few months living with Nana and seeing the rest of them. Nothing has changed.

I want my family to work out - that is my husband, my daughter and myself. I know what it is like to have a drinking problem. Here I did what the rest of my family did to me and I bailed out on him. I knew he didn't want to be this way either. God, I feel so bloody bad for this now.

Well, I must say, I have never really thought about it from this perspective.

Yeah, I am not exactly the most stable person on the block, that is for sure, but something really has clicked. FINALLY!

Thank you sooooo much. Really, thank you!

[betty boop]

Confused and Hurting

AFM, do what your heart tells you ..........:l :l :l

[Lucy Van Pelt]

Confused and Hurting

Ok my two cents...probably worth that much..lol i am Lucy Van Pelt!

You have to make sure you are not running back to your husband because of your difficulties with your Nana. I am not saying going back to your husband is wrong, I am just saying make sure you are doing it with a clear head. Yes, kids do really well with both their parents, but not if their parents are drunks...or very angry with each other. I would think good and hard about your husband...Is he REALLY improving...will you end up drinking again if you are with him?

Sounds like you really felt good when independant from him, other than the issues with your nana. So, think about it. There are other ways to live independant of your husband, if that is what is best.

Not tellling you what to do, but just food for thought.

Hope things work out

Beth

[Accountable for Me]

Confused and Hurting

I can totally appreciate your point of view too, Beth. For certain there is a fear of the unknown with him. We have been working a lot on our relationship over the last couple of months and ourselves.

I know I sound like a spoiled brat - and probably it is because I am, but what had happened on the weekend was really the last straw for me. Ultimately my husband and I wanted this to work out, it was just sooner than later.

I most definitely do not want my daughter being brought up in a drunk and/or hostile environment.

I trust we both have done a lot of growing since my departure. I do love to be independent - and fear that I won't find another fantastic opportunity, but that is just being silly really.

It is definitely some food for thought. Thank you.

[memarcie]

Confused and Hurting

I like what everyone has said. I agree with Beth, make sure you are not running back to your husband just to get away from Nana and the controlling environment. It sounds like you love hubby and you want to be there. If he is making an effort and you want to see if this works, then go for it.



Not much for advice, but I'm thinking of you.

[stollies1]

Confused and Hurting

AFM,
Why cant you, and the hubby and kid, move to where the job is?You could then be near your Nan to support her but not be in her pocket all the time and keep the job you love.
It worries me that your hubby is still on the piss, it cant be good for you!
I so agree with Lucy..what's good about a bad parent? My mother was a raging alcoholic and here I am one today.
I think your confused 'cos you know what you should do and what your doing is no where near it.
Good luck luv...
Victoria xxooxx

[Accountable for Me]

Confused and Hurting

Thanks Victoria, I can appreciate what you are saying as well. It is the fear of the unknown for sure. I am going to think about this.........

[CaptJBean]

Confused and Hurting

This sounds like a vicious cycle. Didn't this come up about a month ago? Is this hormonal or chemical? Are you just making choices based on gut feelings, or a therapist, head & heart... forum??? A pastor... prayer? I'm not sure. Taking a vote.... Pros and Cons... Are you basing any of this on a good firm foundation and belief? One way or another. I'm lost in this. Either way, it seems like you haven't found yourself yet. You already let your employer down, your NaNa down, your making some sort of impression on your daughter, your husband seems to be in more control of you than you... what's the deal? This sounds like an emotional train wreck.