Confused and Hurting

[Accountable for Me]

Confused and Hurting

Nancy, my husband is sober... not a long time sober, but is sober.

I could of lived on my own - not a problem. It wasn't financially a problem for me.

The bottom line was that we ultimately wanted to be together and the series of events just sent me into a tizzy, so I bolted out the door.

I was being irrational at the time and emotional. BUT, I am where I am, and where I am wanting to be. I just harbour a lot of guilt. I lived my life based upon guilt and that is something I really need to work on - obviously, or else I am NEVER going to be happy.

My Nana will be OK. I will make sure of that as best I can. She has my whole family over there, and a LOT of friends, so she needs to start getting out more. She has an RV group she belongs to and drives one all alone, so she isn't feeble! She stuck her claws in me and my life while we were staying there and suffocated me - tried to control me with very harsh comments. I appreciate all she has done, but I don't need anymore emotional abuse in my life. I had it from my parents, my sister, and now her.

Anyway, thanks all.

Fickle - your post really touched home with me both of them.

[beatle]

Confused and Hurting

You have always seemed so strong to me, AFM. I know you are still. I believe you know what is best for you.

I have no advice-- just want you to know I am thinking about you.

[nancy]

Confused and Hurting

Well, I have known people who have made decisions to be with others who have problems and they worked out ok. You can ask people from the outside to look in and offer advice but maybe you are the best placed to know if this is right. I seem to remember a Buddhist nun writing that you are the principal witness in your own history. And this is so true!!! And if it turns out this wasn't the right decision, made under duress etc, you can make another choice later but it sounds like it is worth the risk to you.

I think family members can be very destructive and undermining, not just in dysfunctional families but in "normal" ones. Your nana is looking in at your relationship and judging it .Sometimes couples just need to be left alone. I really hope this works out for you. and please keep us posted as to how it goes.

[Accountable for Me]

Confused and Hurting

Thanks Nancy and everyone else.

[Thankful]

Confused and Hurting

AFM, I hope everything works out for you, hun. Wow, talk about stress.

You have to let all the guilt go. It's just not healthy and it's not helping you. Just making you miserable.

Send Nana a card telling her you love her and you appreciate her help, but you know you are doing the right thing.

If you can, have a special family dinner tomorrow. Make it a big deal. Celebrate your family and your new journey together! Toast each other (may I suggest milk? lol) and try to let the hurt go. Just a little ceremonial re-commitment to each other to make things work. It might be healing for not only for you and hubby, but your daughter as well.

I know it was said, but may be you can find a new job. One you might even like better. You may not. Never know until you try. You can not put a price on your self esteem. If you want to be out working, even part-time, you should be.

I know this is all easier said then done. Just some thoughts. :h

Good luck, AFM. To you and your family.

Love, Me
:l

[Accountable for Me]

Confused and Hurting

Thankful, thanks for your post - and what great suggestions! We had a fantastic family night last night where we rented a bunch of movies and bought lots of junk food. Something we never did sober. We had our little one watch hers and she was happier than a pig in poo dancing all around the living room. We sat there just soaking in what can be a very fulfilling life if we continue to remain strong and stay sober.

I went out today with my little one and we went shopping. We bought Nana a card & gift for her birthday (it is on the 12th). I intend to express my appreciation in this card. Time heals most wounds.

I definitely will be looking for a new job. I need to work. It makes me feel good about myself. There is tons of work, and my husband said he will be supportive so I can take as much time as I need to find something I will like.

[beatle]

Confused and Hurting

Sounds like a great new beginning. Maybe the separation was what was needed to jog things into place. Now you are in the fight together, perhaps it will make you all closer than ever. All the best to you!

[Nicole2003]

Confused and Hurting

Hi Accountable,

Sounds like you are working through a very complicated situation pretty well!

Like yourself and so many others I grew up in a very difficult and alcoholic family. I do feel that this has had an impact on my choice of partners as an adult. I relate much better to people who have the depth and complexity that comes with having a difficult background and often that means they come with a lot of baggage! Perhaps in some way that reflects the connection you have with your husband. I really do hope you are able to work things out.

Something which comes over in your posts sometimes is that you care so much aout other people's feelings, there is a sense that you almost feel responsible for other people's happiness. For example you worry that your Nana is lonely. But that does not make it your responsibility to fill that void in her life. It is the family's responsibility as a whole and her own to re-adjust to life without her husband and forge new links and supports.

Something which I have learnt, which was a hard pill to swallow at the time but has helped me enormously. Your family doesn't necessarily think or care about your needs as much as you do them! I found once I was able to understand and acccept that I was much more able not to take any crap from them. And I learnt that it was ok to be a bit selfish sometimes and put my own needs first. Strangely, it has much improved my relationship with my family!

Anyway, good luck, take care and I hope it all works out.

Nicole xxx

[Accountable for Me]

Confused and Hurting

Nice to see you again, Nicole. Thank you for your wonderful response.

I had such a fantastic weekend to reflect on everything. And you are so right in what you have written.

My sister has just found out I left and am back here. (we are not close) She had sent me a very short, 'WTF' email - of course trying to make me feel badly, yet again. For me, it was just confirmation that I need to focus on me and everything else will fall into place.

The ONLY time I hear from her is when something in my life has gone array. Like rubbing salt in the wound so to speak.

Onwards and upwards is my new motto. I know I did not leave my Nana's as a way to hurt her. I am sorry she is hurting... but like you said, she has her own responsibility to make her way through life. She has wonderful friends and is part of an RV group - she needs to utilize it more. And, yes, my family should also make more of an effort towards her to.

Thank you for your post. Nice to see you back.

[MyChoice]

Confused and Hurting

Hi AFM,
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. I hope you can feel all the loving thoughts I'm sending your way :l

[Determinatrix]

Confused and Hurting

Wow Thankful. I am impressed with your grace.
It does all need to come back to remembering that we love each other.

Dx

[jane jane]

Confused and Hurting

Who is NaNa? I missed part of the buildup to this story.

I have lost friends in past years because of my advice to them about marriage problems---so I am not about to give any to a stranger! Usually, the phrase "DUMP HIS ASS" doesn't work, unless they already want to dump his ass to begin with. You clearly aren't to that point yet, so keep him around, if you feel you must. But set boundaries...

...only, you don't sound like a boundary-setter.

Get a good lawyer and take his advice! I've not yet found reason to disagree with Betty Boop, but in this case---your "heart" may be the last thing you need to listen to! Try you BRAIN!

[Accountable for Me]

Confused and Hurting

Why don't you just call it a night wherever you are jane jane.

You seem to have some anger issues from what I have read in many of your posts. You say you don't give advice because you have had some bad advice in your past - then you go onto giving me advice.

Unless you know what happened, which you clearly defined you don't in your first sentence, maybe you should refrain on posting?

All the best to you.

[jane jane]

Confused and Hurting

Apology for the typographical error: I should have typed: " Try youR brain." Sorry for the letter I omitted. You are welcome to ignore, reject, and rage against the content of my message. I would do the same thing if I read something with which I was not yet ready to agree. And I shall "call it a night" whenever I feel like it, and not one minute before.

[Accountable for Me]

Confused and Hurting

Okely dokely! Well, maybe I should rephrase my post then. Ahem.... here it goes...

Thank you dear Jane Jane for your heartfelt post. I soooo appreciate your point of view. I will add it to my list of things of that I should do - that is to seek out a lawyer who will laugh in my face because I do not want a divorce. Maybe he could point me into the right direction of a family counsellor and then submit me a bill for $150 for his time.

Again, thank you so much. My poor, underused brain and I really do thank you.