Confused and Hurting

[betty boop]

Confused and Hurting

CaptJBean;265049 wrote: This sounds like a vicious cycle. Didn't this come up about a month ago? Is this hormonal or chemical? Are you just making choices based on gut feelings, or a therapist, head & heart... forum??? A pastor... prayer? I'm not sure. Taking a vote.... Pros and Cons... Are you basing any of this on a good firm foundation and belief? One way or another. I'm lost in this. Either way, it seems like you haven't found yourself yet. You already let your employer down, your NaNa down, your making some sort of impression on your daughter, your husband seems to be in more control of you than you... what's the deal? This sounds like an emotional train wreck.

I hope that I am reading this wrong, but AFM called out to us for help and advice, but as I am reading this you are dragging her down .....

If I am reading this wrong then please put me in my place ...........

[Accountable for Me]

Confused and Hurting

Letting my employer down, my Nana down, and making an impression on my daughter? Hmm... pretty harsh there CaptJ. Sounds like you are right in a raunch mood today.

Emotional - yes, I am. But what in the hell is wrong with wanting to save my marriage? Fuck, we are all alcoholics here with our bags of problems, but seemingly because I post mine, you are compelled to blast me apart? Oh, so sorry for 'posting' about this a month ago. OBVIOUSLY I want my marriage to work.

Your post seemed to be quite harsh.

The LAST thing I want is for my daughter to grow up in a fucked up environment, and therefore, I have been working very hard to clean up my life.

Her father took longer to start - but at least he is trying. WHO IN THE FUCK CAN SCRUTINIZE SOMEONE FOR WANTING TO CHANGE?

We come here for support. We are all people that are affected by alcohol abuse wanting to make our lives better. Not to make someone want to jump off the fucking cliff.

Thanks for your post anyway. I DO understand what you are saying, but Holy man.

[secondchance]

Confused and Hurting

ohh ohh, I see this thread is going to take a wrong, downward turn...I'm leaving before it happens...

[derrygirl1]

Confused and Hurting

AFM
Wish I had some advice. I too come from a controlling family, my mother hates every one of her son in laws and back stabs each of her daughters to the point we all think that's the way it should be. She was a raging alcoholic when I was growing up, recently reformed so look out everyone else who drinks. She has jealousy issues and because I've done quite well (materiallisticaly) she always tries to undermine it or use it against me.....like you're doing well, your kids don't need anything from me!!. However, like you I still keep going back for more BS, just to be wanted and needed........how can parents do that to their children?
I've been married for close to 15 years to a wonderful, hardworking man, and believe me I've put him through some crap, however he's stood by me like no-one else ever has.
If you believe you can make it work, go for it, every relationship - whether alcohol is involved or not - takes work. We all make mistakes, it's our ability to correct them that makes us human.
Good luck and have a great weekend.

[dexterhead]

Confused and Hurting

Hi AFM: I am so sorry you are feeling so tormented. I can relate to SO much of your situation. My former husband's family, well basically his mom, was a vicious withholder of love .. and our whole marriage was affected by his struggles to get out of the cycle of trying to please the family. And then, unrelated, but we ended up living in different states and I had to make a terrible choice .. long story, but obviously there are so many factors working here. would it help you to chat with a therapist. ? you need to get a little separation, a least mental, to find some clarity. hugs to you AFM:l :l

[Determinatrix]

Confused and Hurting

AFM -

Great jobs are hard to come by, granted. But when you one day pass and people remember you, they don't say, "Man, didn't she have a great job?" or "Wow, she was a hard worker."

You and your husband have been thru a lot and sounds like you have a lot of love for each in spite of it all. No one on the outside can possibly understand what is on the negotiating table between you and it is not for anyone else to know.

You speak of still attempting to gain acceptance from your family (Nana). You will have acceptance from your daughter when you make decision that are good for her, which includes making decisions that are good for you.

That way, when one day you should pass, people will say, "What a loving lady," or "She was a great Mom," or "She was so inspiring."

Hope your brain is less polluted soon,
Dx

[Helensback]

Confused and Hurting

Dear AFM,

I came from parents who lost interest in their children early. I was the youngest and I guess I was about 8 or 9 when this happened. My Mom drank heavily, but has never admitted it. She doesn't drink at all anymore.
I think I was about 37 before I was able to let all the hurt and resentment go. But I did.
The alcohol issue is now mine to deal with - as is my life.
My daughter is 9 now. I hate that she sees what I am.
But, I know she will see what I am struggling to become - and WILL become.
I hope she will see that our lives are our own and that we are capable of change and growth and forgiveness and of letting go.
You will do fine AFM.
I sense in you an intelligence and integrity that will hold you up.

Take care,

Helen

[tlrgs]

Confused and Hurting

hi there...well i can say i was in your husbands shoes. when my girlfiend. left.she had to lie and say that she was going to a friends house in nc for two weeks and that turn into 3 weeks. and when she got back. i know what i had to do.yea i was willing to stop drinking and i did . but the night she came back. i know there was something else . we decidedto part ways . and that when i left to go up and help myself. and one week goes bye and we keep in touchand she as me to come back and try again and thing s are working out now for the better and the thing is am not drinking anymore now . and havent been for now 95 days. so if you really feel things can change with him .go for it ..theres more to the story but my typing.suck..so as long as he is willing to change .good luck

[Accountable for Me]

Confused and Hurting

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate each and every one of you. I appreciate your support, your insight, and your honesty. Hence, why I wanted to try to sort this all through.

I gave my resignation at work earlier today. 4pm my time. I am sure they are very disappointed, but from what they know - they believe I have a ligit excuse. I hate lying.

I believe in 'chances'. Not like 100 of them, but a couple. For people like us we don't get it right the first time when we quit drinking. More like the millionth time. For me, I don't know how many times I said I was going to quit and that day never came for a LONG time.

I believe if people really show effort and want to change, then they should be supported. That is what we do here on this site, therefore, that is what I can do for my husband. He has displayed no intent to drink since I have been here. Even while we were seeing each other while apart, it seemed apparent he was making an effort.

My family - and I mean all of them are just hypocrits. I am lacing on my Nana only because she was so directly in my face the last few months. I know she cares, and I don't condemn her for that. She took us in - the problem is that she didn't want to let us go. So ultimately it pushed us right out the door. I feel soooo very crappy about it, and I am hurting for her. I know what it is like to be alone. IT sucks! I have felt all alone my whole life - and have been alone a lot of my life, so I understand where she is coming from.

In my perfect world, I would own a big house and have a suite in it just for her... but I don't.

Anyway, I am feeling 'less polluted' (per Det's wife) and will keep on keeping on.

I hate to hurt anyone. Thanks for being there. Really, I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

Confused and Hurting

Wow,

I can really relate to so much of what you wrote.

I think all couples have problems. I would recommend you try to work it out, it sounds like you want to.

I'll be thinking of you

[fickle]

Confused and Hurting

Hi AFM,
You have a very complex situation and I can appreciate that as I also know what it is like to have a family like yours/your hubby's - also being THE ONE everyone puts down constantly even though I'm the one who used to try hardest all the time.. I've finally had to distance myself from them. I also know how difficult it is when you have genuine relationship issues including drinking, try to leave in order to get life sorted but then have relatives storm in and try to take control - their own form of misguided love but nevertheless destructive to my relationship and my kids.
I can also relate to your committment to your daughter seeing her father and the complications that caused you - I have been down that road too. It's hard for people in the older generation to understand our generation's belief that Fathers ARE important too!!
I think in your heart you have made the decision to support your hubby and try to save your marriage, which is NOT fucked up. Also, feeling disappointment at missing out on your new career and guilt over your Nana are all perfectly natural. Some others in this thread have been harsh indeed, but I know that what you are dealing with is difficult and complex. You will find a way to work your way through things - I can tell from your posts you are a sane, thoughtful and loyal person.
Somebody once said to me 'you can always find another job' and that is quite true - if you have it in you, you can do it again as many times as it takes.
I hope your hubby is getting somewhere with getting sober.. sounds like you both mean a lot to each other, so it is worth a try.
Wishing you lots of luck and inspiration as to how you can maybe get some of the best of both worlds. Maybe with some more honest talks with your hubby you can find a way to get a new job or move closer to the one you enjoyed and still stay married and supportive?
I guess if he stood by you while you had the strength to get sober, maybe you will stand by him while he has the strength to get sober?
Oh I hope soooo much it goes well for you all. :l

[fickle]

Confused and Hurting

Oh, and one other little thing.. I sometimes think that my family is so messed up.. i will never, ever understand them so why try? I put my energy into my career because compared to my family that is a breeze! Everything makes sense, I am appreciated and considered quite a clever and pleasant person.. it gives me oodles of self esteem, something I need that I never ever got from my family. In this way I see the future for bringing up my kids without the same patterns? I tell my kids how good they are and that they will be fine and I think they probably will!

[stollies1]

Confused and Hurting

Good luck with the diecision hun...hope it all works out..
Vic xxooxx

[HopefulNow]

Confused and Hurting

AFM,

Coming very late to this thread, and don't have a damn thing of value to add, except to say that you obviously have so much support here, so many people in your corner.

I know you've got a helluva situation on your hands right now. But damn, girl. You've also got a helluva support system. Use it!

And stay strong, like you have been.

Wishing you all the best of everything.

-HopefulNow

[nancy]

Confused and Hurting

Well, this sounds like a really tough situation.

It sounds like you took a good look at two bad situatios, living with Nana or living with a man who has a bad drinking problem and could bring you down, and decided that the lesser of two evils was living with your ex.

Sounds like Nana is quite a destructive as well as helpful presence and she is doing things that really go against your values. It sounds to me like leaving her is a good idea.

I have to wonder, wasn't there a third option? living on your own and maybe nana could help with taking care of your daughter from afar?

I hope that your husband can sober up the way you have and that your coming back doesn't somehow enable him.

Despite his problem, you have a bond. It would have been ideal if you could have stayed on your own a while longer while he sorted himself out. But maybe that wasn't possible financially?

I hope things look better for you down the line.