The Habit under my Habit

[meditation mama]

I have one...

It's weird. I am AF, but there are times when I still have that feeling.. that feeling like I have done something bad. An uneasy feeling. I am pretty good about acknowledging I am feeling uneasy and trying to tick down the list to see what's bugging me. When I was drinking it was easy. I didn't have to go down the list very far.

I am living a very clean life these days. I eat very healthy, better than I have my whole life, I try to stay true to my word, I meditate whenever I can, I exercise when I am able, my relationship with my daughter is fantastic, and even my relationship with my SBTX (soon to be ex), is on good terms. So what can that feeling be?

Well, I think I found it. I woke up with that feeling - a guilty, uneasy feeling. What the hell could I feel guilty about? So I started going down the list.. money, health, personal, work - nope all clear... and you'll never guess what it was. I ate cheese cake. Yes, I ate a frickin' piece of cheesecake last night. I have been trying to lose weight and have been successful. But last night, after not going off my eating program for four weeks, I ate a piece of cheesecake and I was going to punish myself.

Habit. I think this is just an example for me. I write this because I think as alcoholics, we are in a continual cycle of guilt and self punishment. And for me, that has been for the past 25 years. So take the alcohol away, that is fantastic. But "I" still feel the need to feel guilty and punish myself - HABIT!

Well, It is a self-realization for me. This is the next step for me. I want to be kind to myself. I worked very hard to release this demon - and now that that demon is gone, I need to cherish and free my mind from this cycle, this guilt/punishment cycle. Easier said than done. A frickin' piece of cheesecake to prove that!

I guess my therapist will have something to work with tomorrow...:H

MM

[YoungAtHeart]

The Habit under my Habit

Good work, MM! Now that you're not drinking, you can begin to understand some of the patterns that helped keep you stuck. Keep it up, you're doing great!

:l :l

[Niblet]

The Habit under my Habit

WOW !!!! Now I want a piece of friggin cheesecake !!!! $%@@*&^ !!!!
Truthfully though, you are so wise to recognize what it is that is at the root of these feelings and put them into perspective.. . Hats off to you MM !!! Love ya Lots Lots LOTS !!! XXX and one more !!! X

[iowegian]

The Habit under my Habit

That is a really brilliant piece of insight. As was said, I hope you enjoyed every bight of that cheese cake. I love the stuff myself.
IO

PS Note below, and don't kick yourself in the butt over a piece of cheesecake.

[tlrgs]

The Habit under my Habit

hi there ..take it easy .enjoy that piece of cheese cake .that is better then the al .so enjoy it dont kick yourself ..and have a great sunday.

[beatle]

The Habit under my Habit

yeh, MM, I can surely relate. Guilt about everything.

But-- not to stick a pin in your balloon-- I think there's a lot more going on here than a piece of cheesecake. Really, a piece of cheesecake is the cause of your extreme uneasiness and guilt? I wonder if it is just a little representation of something much more important. I mean, how much guilt can anyone who is doing so well as you are have about one piece of cheesecake? No, I don't buy it. I think you feel a need to punish yourself for a lot more than a piece of cheescake. Have a good day with your therapist. I hope she or he is a good one. (Mine sucks-- don't know why I even go).

I hope that didn't sound harsh. It was a truly spontaneous reaction to your post.

Anyway. You have come so far, you are so strong. I learn so much from you. So don't think for a second I have anything to teach you. Really, it was just a reaction. You are way ahead of me on this journey and I hope to keep learning from you, so please keep us updated. I look forward to your posts.

[meditation mama]

The Habit under my Habit

Ah, yes Beatle - you are SO right! I am absolutely sure it is more than cheesecake! If it were that simple I would rule the free world! lol!

Cheesecake was a metaphor, in a sense... Yes, last night it was about the cheesecake, but in the big picture, and the meaning of my post, it is about the habit. The habit of beating myself up. This is what I want to address. This is what I want to eliminate from my psyche.

I will keep you posted after I get my mental beating from my therapist tomorrow... :H

xoxox

MM

[beatle]

The Habit under my Habit

Yeh, beating ourselves up. That's what it's all about.

I'm never good enough, never live up to what I should, could, would, etc. Good old AL has helped me to forget about that, a big help at first. Not anymore.

I think cheesecake is a superior way to drown your sorrows. (Darn, if only we had some here... I guess a bag of crisps will do!).

I'm looking forward to your therapist's take on the cheescake.

[bald headed old guy]

The Habit under my Habit

MM & Beatle (and all others)
MM, I keep telling my wife that this site is incredible, I can be thinking about an issue and ..boom...someone addresses it on here. What, are you all mind readers? LOL! Anyway, I found much of myself in your post. I have been talking with her about how I beat myself up so bad, and am so hard on myself, for anything and everything. I told wife that if I ever heard my line supervisiors berating an employee the way I beat up on me, I'd fire them on the spot! So, the question is, why do I allow myself to beat up on BHOG so much? Does he deserve it? Is he that evil of a person? If I slow down, and think about myself, I am not a bad person, I do have a positive relationship with the world as a whole..so why so hard on myself?
One of my major triggers on this goes clear back to childhood, I was a middle child (for my mother) and never did "measure up" to my older sister or have the same level of expectations as my younger brother. I was told repeatedly that I would never measure up to anything, so why did I bother to try. No amount of good or bad behaviour could elict any positive feedback from my mother, sad to say. This is still the situation, (mom is now in her mid-80's); I have learned to, for the most part, let it roll off my back as it happens today. But, and this is the trouble spot, sometimes late at night, when I am getting ready to retire, I am mentally reminded of my many failures...and the mental self abuse starts. I do know that this provided a real drinking trigger for me in the not-so-distant past; I would start drinking so I would not play this out in my mind each night as I tried to sleep. I have developed some "mantras" that I now use instead of AL to put myself to sleep. A much more healthy sleep aid!
That having been said, I am working on my mental postion to allow BHOG to celebrate his own, if you will, "goodness," to allow him to look back on each day with pride at the accomplishments of the day and the challenges of tomorrow. It is definately easier to do this sober as opposed to a drunken haze.
From snowy Salt Lake City, Hugs to all!
BHOG

[diane52]

The Habit under my Habit

So much to think about here. Wow. Me to. Never good enough. I get the I'd fire myself for being so hard on some one BHOG! And it is SO not about about the cheesecake! but it is cause it sure doesn't take much, does it? But how true that the booze becomes the, dare I say, easy thing to beat myself up with? When in doubt beat myself up with that...I mean clearly there is so much more but certainly this is one big piece of the puzzle. Almost obsessive-compulsive in a way. Well for me.
thanks.
Diane

[meditation mama]

The Habit under my Habit

BHOG - thank you for that wonderful insight.

Maybe we were separated at birth... we are both from SLC! :H

xoxoxo

MM

[Shikakai]

The Habit under my Habit

That's an interesting analysis, but since alchi wasn't the only problem you punished yourself for and felt guilty about, perhaps this OTHER problem (trying to control/lose weight) is the true reason why you feel guilty or you are punishing yourself... it may have nothing to do with alchi at all.

I think in the end anything that we know is detrimental to our goals is going to make us feel guilty, regardless of what the guilty pleasure is: drinking, eating, gambling, etc.

[meditation mama]

The Habit under my Habit

Shik.. yes, I agree..

But I really want to be at peace with things as they are in the moment. Knowing the ebb and flow of life, a piece of cheesecake is not going to turn me into a 400lb women, thus - let it go.

Being at peace with things as they are.. that is what I want.

Peace...

MM

[Shikakai]

The Habit under my Habit

meditation mama;265919 wrote: Shik.. yes, I agree..

But I really want to be at peace with things as they are in the moment. Knowing the ebb and flow of life, a piece of cheesecake is not going to turn me into a 400lb women, thus - let it go.

Being at peace with things as they are.. that is what I want.

Peace...

MM

Um, I see what you mean... yea, it's hard not feeling guilty when you know it won't be "life threatening" (like drinking), but I guess we've all just learned to beat ourselves up even over the simple NON-THREATENING aspects of life.

Now that you're clean and sober (APPLAUSE!!), I'm sure those feelings will eventually vanish, especially when you eat a slice of cheesecake; wake up the next day and you're Roseanne Barr

All in time, shug, all in time.

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

The Habit under my Habit

Hmmmm, this reminds me of when I was anorexic. I didn't think I deserved food. Like BHOG I was the middle child that was basically ignored. My older sister was so smart and pretty and I just couldn't compare and was told so. Then came my little brother the only boy and the "baby", he was treated like a royal prince. My Mother did and does treat me like crap so I keep a distance. When she's not around I do the job for her.

We all deserve the best in life, and that includes cheesecake : )