Today is 30 days AF for me too!!! Yippeee!!!!
And I just wanted to tell all of you........
When I got here to MWO in October I was terrified. I'm a lifelong recovering, um, person, and the last time I lapsed into drinking it turned into a two year long downward spiral that left me inthe darkest place I have ever been in my life (and that's saying a lot -some chapters in my history are horrific). I was basically "dry" a few hours each day to go to work, and then..... nothing. Just drinking. I was completely shut down, overmedicated by a horrible psychiatrist, drunk most of the time. I was a flatline. I could have very easily just slipped away and died. I watched it happen to my Dad who died 20 years ago from acute cirrhosis, in solitude, the light inside having gone out years before. Coming back to life from that breakdown 5 years ago was a long hard road for me.
When I picked up the bottle in September, I knew in my gut I was headed back there if I didn't do something fast. It would not have taken too long. Putting down the booze once I've picked it up feels like turning a battleship around that's going full speed ahead. I did not believe deep down that anything could help to "right" me before consequences started to take their toll. The tools that I had relied on in the past felt obsolete. I was desperate.
I have been trying to get to this 30 day benchmark since then. And while I am very relieved somehow, this is NOT a finish line for me. Alcohol is my achilles heel in this life. I have all kinds of fragilities and insecurities and life problems, like everyone does, but my allergy to alcohol is fatal. Fatal to my spirit, my body and my life. The first time I quit drinking I was 20. I was a really bad drinker right out of the box. AF is the only way I can live at all.
And I loves me my modsters, which is to say, that while I know this AF stuff to be true for ME, this is a very personal issue, and I have nothing but love for people who can moderate. I don't feel superior to them, nor do I feel jealous. CaptJbean has been tossing out the phrase "it is what it is" and that's how I feel. I want EVERYONE to be happy healthy and loved. That's it. And the exact recipe is different for everyone. I accept my fate with AL, for today, if for no other reason than I'm tired. If I tussle with him, he wins. What else can I do? And most of my AF years have been fine, amazing really, once I was over the initial hump.
You have brought the healing my friends :h . and helped me to start anew and get back on track in my life. There is so much love, wisdom, humor here everyday, it's just amazing. I am so lucky (quack). Touching into others' joy and pain, giving and getting support, laughing my butt off, it's all so beautiful. A true community. I learn from you everyday. I don't feel alone. I love you guys.:hug:
And a deep deep deep down thank you to RJ :l . What can I say? Talk about a wonder
.
Okay well, that's it for now. Just wanted to celebrate with you today. I'm crying. goodbye!
wonder xx
And I just wanted to tell all of you........
When I got here to MWO in October I was terrified. I'm a lifelong recovering, um, person, and the last time I lapsed into drinking it turned into a two year long downward spiral that left me inthe darkest place I have ever been in my life (and that's saying a lot -some chapters in my history are horrific). I was basically "dry" a few hours each day to go to work, and then..... nothing. Just drinking. I was completely shut down, overmedicated by a horrible psychiatrist, drunk most of the time. I was a flatline. I could have very easily just slipped away and died. I watched it happen to my Dad who died 20 years ago from acute cirrhosis, in solitude, the light inside having gone out years before. Coming back to life from that breakdown 5 years ago was a long hard road for me.
When I picked up the bottle in September, I knew in my gut I was headed back there if I didn't do something fast. It would not have taken too long. Putting down the booze once I've picked it up feels like turning a battleship around that's going full speed ahead. I did not believe deep down that anything could help to "right" me before consequences started to take their toll. The tools that I had relied on in the past felt obsolete. I was desperate.
I have been trying to get to this 30 day benchmark since then. And while I am very relieved somehow, this is NOT a finish line for me. Alcohol is my achilles heel in this life. I have all kinds of fragilities and insecurities and life problems, like everyone does, but my allergy to alcohol is fatal. Fatal to my spirit, my body and my life. The first time I quit drinking I was 20. I was a really bad drinker right out of the box. AF is the only way I can live at all.
And I loves me my modsters, which is to say, that while I know this AF stuff to be true for ME, this is a very personal issue, and I have nothing but love for people who can moderate. I don't feel superior to them, nor do I feel jealous. CaptJbean has been tossing out the phrase "it is what it is" and that's how I feel. I want EVERYONE to be happy healthy and loved. That's it. And the exact recipe is different for everyone. I accept my fate with AL, for today, if for no other reason than I'm tired. If I tussle with him, he wins. What else can I do? And most of my AF years have been fine, amazing really, once I was over the initial hump.
You have brought the healing my friends :h . and helped me to start anew and get back on track in my life. There is so much love, wisdom, humor here everyday, it's just amazing. I am so lucky (quack). Touching into others' joy and pain, giving and getting support, laughing my butt off, it's all so beautiful. A true community. I learn from you everyday. I don't feel alone. I love you guys.:hug:
And a deep deep deep down thank you to RJ :l . What can I say? Talk about a wonder
.Okay well, that's it for now. Just wanted to celebrate with you today. I'm crying. goodbye!
wonder xx
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