I found this computer journal entry that I wrote once upon a time and just wanted to share it in hopes that it may help someone out there struggling just as I am
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ? that our lives had become unmanageable
What does this mean?
Powerless: lacking power, strength, or effectiveness, helpless, incapable, weak, ineffective, defenseless
Unmanageable: impossible or difficult to deal with
What does this mean to me?
Once I take that first drink I now know that I WAS powerless. I would always tell myself that I could handle it. I will have just one, it?s been a stressful day and I need this to help me unwind, one will be enough ?I can handle it.? One always became two. Ok I?m fine, just one more won?t hurt I can stop whenever I want??.and so it went. Almost every time I would say this to myself and almost every time I would be unable to do it. Alcohol would take some kind of strange hold over me and it would start to transform me until I became someone that I disliked, hated and despised. I was always good at turning my nose down to those uncontrollable drunks, however I was one of them and I knew it but once I took that first drink I had the inability to stop I became what I detested the most.
I think of all of the people and things in my life besides myself that my drinking affected the most is my husband and my children so let?s start at the beginning. My story is a bit unlike others ? why? Because it?s my story. I took my first drink at the age of 16 and I will never forget just how very drunk I got and swore that I would never ever do that again ? well I?m not sure how long that lasted because it was so long ago but I am pretty sure it didn?t last very long. I drank whenever I could get it for the next two years. I stopped when I was 18. Why? It wasn?t of my own choice; I didn?t want to stop drinking however I had no choice. I got married when I was 18 and I wasn?t allowed to; drinking, smoking, having friends it was all a big no-no for me so I didn?t do it. I won?t say that in those years I didn?t want to because although I didn?t drink for 9 years of that marriage I still craved it and I still thought about it. I separated when I was 27 and it was like a bird let out of a cage and for the next 11 years I drank to make up for lost time I suppose. In that time I met and married my second husband to whom I am with today and I will try to explain what some of that drinking did to him and my children.
He knew that I drank when we met and he knew that I drank when we got married so I justified my continued drinking on that fact. He married me knowing this so he can?t get too upset by it ? this is who I am ? that is the mentality that I had. There were fights of course ? too many to count but the worse of them always was when I had been drinking. I hated him when I was drinking and looking back now I think it?s because I hated the look on his face when he looked at me. I hated 'him' because he would get in the way of my drinking because I would have to start hiding it so I wouldn?t see the look of disgust and disappointment. I wanted the drink worse than I wanted my marriage. I would have thoughts of leaving and getting my own place so that I could drink in peace. This is what I wanted and I was tired of people standing in my way. The only thing that stopped me was that I knew once I did it there was no going back. Just how important was alcohol to me? It was where it should not have been ? right there at the top of the list. What has this done to my children I can only guess. They grew up watching their mother stumbling around drunk off her ass not able to carry on a conversation ? but I sure thought I could. I found myself a single mom of 3 kids when I was just 27. We struggled a lot financially and finding money to buy my alcohol was not always easy but I managed to do it. I borrowed from my mom and my children. I would borrow their birthday money, allowance or Christmas money always saying I would pay it back, I never did. I borrowed gas and grocery money from my mother it never went for that ? I was desperate and would have done anything to feed my addiction. I did things that no self respecting married woman should be doing ? but then again I had no self respect so it didn?t really matter.
My spirituality was pretty much nil. I knew that there was a God because I would beg him quite often to please help me. I knew He was there but I also knew that He wasn?t going to be able to help me until I decided to help myself. I won?t say I have a strong relationship with Him but it does comfort me to know that He is there.
I did stupid and insane things. I became this angry ugly person. I got into fights, not just with my husband but with other people. How did I become so angry so fast? This alcohol thing was supposed to make me feel good and it did in the beginning. It gave me that happy light feeling and I would drink more to keep that feeling, I would do anything to hold onto that feeling but then it would change on me. All of a sudden I was no longer in control of my body, my mind or my actions. It was like I was standing outside of my body watching a movie ? watching me, play me ? it wasn?t real it wasn?t me doing these things and that is how I would justify it the next morning when I was sober again. It wasn?t really me it was someone that just looked like me and I would be able to handle it. It was like going outside of myself or something. I would feel guilty and remorseful but that soon stopped because again it wasn?t me.
I know that this is a clich? but for me it just is. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I?m tired of waking up hung over, tired of trying to remember what exactly did I do? How much did I spend? What kind of fool did I make of myself this time? I don?t want to be that person anymore. I don?t want to get to the point that I have lost everything that is important to me. I have been extremely lucky but I know that if I keep going that luck is going to run out. I will lose my job, I will lose my marriage, I will lose all respect of my children if I haven?t already but most of all I will lose myself. Even though I still have those things my life is still unmanageable in the fact that I don?t trust or believe in myself anymore. I can?t change the things that I have done in the past I can only go forward. I may be powerless over alcohol but only after I have had that first drink. I am the only one that can make the choice to not have that first drink. I am the only one that can take that power back, I am the only one that can make that decision and I will be the one to do it but right now it can only be one day at a time, sometimes maybe even one minute or one second at a time ? however for right now I will choose to not take that first drink because even though I have told myself so many times in the past that it will be ok, that I can handle it ? it will not be ok and I will not be able to handle it and it will take control of me ? this is my life, this is who I am and this is something that it is time to accept. My name is Joy and I am an alcoholic
style="font-family: 'Calibri','sans-serif';">I just felt the need to share
peace and luve to all
pBear
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ? that our lives had become unmanageable
What does this mean?
Powerless: lacking power, strength, or effectiveness, helpless, incapable, weak, ineffective, defenseless
Unmanageable: impossible or difficult to deal with
What does this mean to me?
Once I take that first drink I now know that I WAS powerless. I would always tell myself that I could handle it. I will have just one, it?s been a stressful day and I need this to help me unwind, one will be enough ?I can handle it.? One always became two. Ok I?m fine, just one more won?t hurt I can stop whenever I want??.and so it went. Almost every time I would say this to myself and almost every time I would be unable to do it. Alcohol would take some kind of strange hold over me and it would start to transform me until I became someone that I disliked, hated and despised. I was always good at turning my nose down to those uncontrollable drunks, however I was one of them and I knew it but once I took that first drink I had the inability to stop I became what I detested the most.
I think of all of the people and things in my life besides myself that my drinking affected the most is my husband and my children so let?s start at the beginning. My story is a bit unlike others ? why? Because it?s my story. I took my first drink at the age of 16 and I will never forget just how very drunk I got and swore that I would never ever do that again ? well I?m not sure how long that lasted because it was so long ago but I am pretty sure it didn?t last very long. I drank whenever I could get it for the next two years. I stopped when I was 18. Why? It wasn?t of my own choice; I didn?t want to stop drinking however I had no choice. I got married when I was 18 and I wasn?t allowed to; drinking, smoking, having friends it was all a big no-no for me so I didn?t do it. I won?t say that in those years I didn?t want to because although I didn?t drink for 9 years of that marriage I still craved it and I still thought about it. I separated when I was 27 and it was like a bird let out of a cage and for the next 11 years I drank to make up for lost time I suppose. In that time I met and married my second husband to whom I am with today and I will try to explain what some of that drinking did to him and my children.
He knew that I drank when we met and he knew that I drank when we got married so I justified my continued drinking on that fact. He married me knowing this so he can?t get too upset by it ? this is who I am ? that is the mentality that I had. There were fights of course ? too many to count but the worse of them always was when I had been drinking. I hated him when I was drinking and looking back now I think it?s because I hated the look on his face when he looked at me. I hated 'him' because he would get in the way of my drinking because I would have to start hiding it so I wouldn?t see the look of disgust and disappointment. I wanted the drink worse than I wanted my marriage. I would have thoughts of leaving and getting my own place so that I could drink in peace. This is what I wanted and I was tired of people standing in my way. The only thing that stopped me was that I knew once I did it there was no going back. Just how important was alcohol to me? It was where it should not have been ? right there at the top of the list. What has this done to my children I can only guess. They grew up watching their mother stumbling around drunk off her ass not able to carry on a conversation ? but I sure thought I could. I found myself a single mom of 3 kids when I was just 27. We struggled a lot financially and finding money to buy my alcohol was not always easy but I managed to do it. I borrowed from my mom and my children. I would borrow their birthday money, allowance or Christmas money always saying I would pay it back, I never did. I borrowed gas and grocery money from my mother it never went for that ? I was desperate and would have done anything to feed my addiction. I did things that no self respecting married woman should be doing ? but then again I had no self respect so it didn?t really matter.
My spirituality was pretty much nil. I knew that there was a God because I would beg him quite often to please help me. I knew He was there but I also knew that He wasn?t going to be able to help me until I decided to help myself. I won?t say I have a strong relationship with Him but it does comfort me to know that He is there.
I did stupid and insane things. I became this angry ugly person. I got into fights, not just with my husband but with other people. How did I become so angry so fast? This alcohol thing was supposed to make me feel good and it did in the beginning. It gave me that happy light feeling and I would drink more to keep that feeling, I would do anything to hold onto that feeling but then it would change on me. All of a sudden I was no longer in control of my body, my mind or my actions. It was like I was standing outside of my body watching a movie ? watching me, play me ? it wasn?t real it wasn?t me doing these things and that is how I would justify it the next morning when I was sober again. It wasn?t really me it was someone that just looked like me and I would be able to handle it. It was like going outside of myself or something. I would feel guilty and remorseful but that soon stopped because again it wasn?t me.
I know that this is a clich? but for me it just is. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I?m tired of waking up hung over, tired of trying to remember what exactly did I do? How much did I spend? What kind of fool did I make of myself this time? I don?t want to be that person anymore. I don?t want to get to the point that I have lost everything that is important to me. I have been extremely lucky but I know that if I keep going that luck is going to run out. I will lose my job, I will lose my marriage, I will lose all respect of my children if I haven?t already but most of all I will lose myself. Even though I still have those things my life is still unmanageable in the fact that I don?t trust or believe in myself anymore. I can?t change the things that I have done in the past I can only go forward. I may be powerless over alcohol but only after I have had that first drink. I am the only one that can make the choice to not have that first drink. I am the only one that can take that power back, I am the only one that can make that decision and I will be the one to do it but right now it can only be one day at a time, sometimes maybe even one minute or one second at a time ? however for right now I will choose to not take that first drink because even though I have told myself so many times in the past that it will be ok, that I can handle it ? it will not be ok and I will not be able to handle it and it will take control of me ? this is my life, this is who I am and this is something that it is time to accept. My name is Joy and I am an alcoholic
style="font-family: 'Calibri','sans-serif';">I just felt the need to share
peace and luve to all
pBear
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