Damn...I am just retarded

[Lucy Van Pelt]

well, it is me, the consistant failure here....

I don't know what is wrong with me. I sit on the fence, sit on the fence, sit on the fence. I wake up every day, saying "today is the day" only to cave, every day, when evening comes. I am so ashamed. I actually have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning...a follow-up check up, and I cancelled it. Why? Because last time I went my blood pressure was rather high, and I suspect it might have been because I drank the night before. Well, I am drinking tonight (again) and afraid to go in the morning.

UGH

I am lucky...for now. I have a good husband, great kids, nice home, nice life. But I can see that the longer I go, the worse I get. I scare myself but not enough to do what I need to do.

I know I will be sorry I posted this as soon as I do, but I am posting it anyway.

[Determinatrix]

Damn...I am just retarded

Lucy - you have to keep trying and never give up.
Someday, maybe today! you will make it work.

We all believe in you,
Dx

[dexterhead]

Damn...I am just retarded

lucy, i am your twin, sitting on that fence. damn it!!!!! haven't had a real doctor's checkup in like 3 years because I am so ashamed as well as afraid of what they might find
but damnit, I will NOT give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Suki411]

Damn...I am just retarded

Lucy, don't regret posting that it was how you felt at the moment. Good to get it out there. Dx is right. Just keep trying. Can't tell you how long I was on the fence and how many times I tried.

We do all believe in you!

Now do I owe you a 5 cents?

[Suki411]

Damn...I am just retarded

Dexter, posting at the same time. I'm with you. Every doctor's appointment (the ones I do keep), he gives me a slip to take to the lab for bloodwork.

I leave his office, walk out the front door and drop the slip in the trash. (And my father was a doctor!)

[Dolly Sunshine]

Damn...I am just retarded

Don't be sorry. I feel the same way. I cancelled a DR's app't b/c of my blood pressure which I'm sure was from w/d from the night before. I feel like an ass.

[MyOwnWoman]

Damn...I am just retarded

Lucy, I'm with ya hon. I've cut back considerably, but the consumption is creeping back up there. You know what helps me - is to remember that all these folks who have succeeded in being AF for a good long while had a single dya that was there last drinking day followed by a single day that was their first AF of a long string of them. Just a day... a day that we get really serious and committed and do what has to be done... just a single day that begins a new way of living and being. And then another single day and another and another ...
We'll get there!

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

Damn...I am just retarded

You guys, don't be afraid- you might actually like the results! I was guilty too- went to the Doc in March, got an order for blood work.... threw it away.... went to the Doc again in November and she guilted me into finally going. All of my levels were "normal".... and my cholesterol was 213, but each type was around 105... so I guess I have a one to one ratio.... which I guess is awesome. Does that mean my bottle of red wine a night was effectively keeping my cholesterol clear?

I'm sure there are other docs or nurses that can tell you why your BP was higher- did you have HAM? Maybe it was the anxiety of going?

Just GO. My sister is a breast cancer survivor and she faces the same fears- doesn't want to go to the doctor because she might get bad news.... at least if you get the news, you can deal with it!

And Miss Lucy, about this comment:

I scare myself but not enough to do what I need to do.

If you really want to do this, you will. Maybe you aren't "ready", emotionally. Do you need to recruit a Cheerleader? Pick anyone but Charlie Brown, because he might sabotage your efforts.... kind of like when Lucy used to pull the football right before Charlie kicked it? :nutso:

I vote for Snoopy or better yet, Woodstock? :woot: That little bird will stay with you wherever you go, quietly sit on your shoulder, and only "talk" with apostrophe marks....
Much love....we are here for you, Lucy! :h

[tlrgs]

Damn...I am just retarded

hi there.. lucy.. very interesting. it only takes one day at a time to start.so hey come on and enjoy the ride.good luck we are here for you if you want us for sopport .......and i like woodstock..kool bird

[memarcie]

Damn...I am just retarded

Beth, it is hard, but you will feel so much better about yourself if you get out of this rut. It isn't easy and you have to ignore that voice in your head that says you NEED to go to the liquor store. One day you will make that first step and it won't be easy, but it will be so worthwhile.

You can do this Beth! Read the MWO book again, get a plan in place, do the whole thing - the supps, the cds, get Campral or Topa, eat healthy, exercise. Change your life! You won't regret it!

We are all here for you Beth. :h

[charlee]

Damn...I am just retarded

Beth
You are not retarded and not a failure, you just need to commit and have a plan....I know how bad you want this.....we will always be here for you.

[happycamper68]

Damn...I am just retarded

Bethy,
You aren't retarded, you are human like the rest of us.

In the last 23 days I have drank 5 times, which is like a record for me. Hubby is actually doing better than me. His doctor visit was the clincher, his blood pressure was high and when his new doc found out how much we were drinking he flat out told him he was an alcoholic (and so was I DUH) and needed to quit or at the very least quit for a certain time period to get his pressure down and to assess his situation.
He told doc about Sophie's autism, our job situation, all the stress we are under financially and emotionally. Doc gave him Klonopin because he was such a wreck.

The only way we have been able to do it is by taking 1mg of Klonopin before bed, melatonin, and Sleepytime Extra tea with valerian root. Makes me very relaxed. Also taking the L-Glut and Kudzu during the day, and 5HTP. The first few days were awful and I would wake up soaked in sweat. Now I can get up in the morning, sometimes at 5 a.m. which was unheard of for me. I used to delegate my hubby to see Sophie off to school every morning, the tradeoff was that I would have EVERYTHING ready the night before, her food, her clothes, everything so he didn't have to think about anything. Now we get up together and ever since this has been going on she has been SO much more attached to me. I had no idea that would happen. I always spent plenty of time with her but as it turns out, it really must have bugged her that I would sleep while she left for school and could not verbalize it because of her autism. Last night I slipped because I found out and I did not get yet ANOTHER job, one that I really had a good feeling about. But I will not drink tonight, I have the pangs but I will not do it. I am mad at myself for drinking last night because now I have pangs that I would not have had otherwise.

I think you should go to the doc, maybe it will be the wake-up call you need. It sucks that we all can't just have a couple and stop, it's not fair and we didn't ask for it but it's our reality unfortunately. Love you, miss you, and good luck sweetie. Camper :h :h :h

[Accountable for Me]

Damn...I am just retarded

Beth, I can't add much more than what the others have already said.

Each time you try, you get a bit stronger. Having a plan helps tremendously.

Keep trying! A failure is one who doesn't bother trying or one who gives up when they don't succeed immediately.

[Guest]

Damn...I am just retarded

Beth, I still very much believe that each of us has a "right time" for quitting. I say this because I couldn`t manage to quit drinking myself for long enough and then something just clicked and I was off and running.

Your own "right time" could be as soon as tomorrow. Just stay focussed and it WILL happen. Praise yourself for every little success, even if that`s drinking half of your usual quantity any night. It`s all those NOT SO LITTLE successes that build the necessary strength to allow you to wage this war for real. :l

Starlight Impress xxx

[Mags]

Damn...I am just retarded

Lucy

I totally agree with what everyone has said before me. You are never a failure as long as you keep trying. I tried for years and years before I even began to be successful with this battle. It's exhausting and frustrating but the alternative is so much worse. You are truly corageous for keeping up the fight. This is not a battle that is won in one huge moment of fireworks like in the movies. It is won bit by bit, struggle by struggle over a period of time. Believe it or not, you are winning.

Hang in there.