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    #1

    Tough times....

    I have been a bit quiet this week, and I really feel it. I am going through a lot in my personal life and it is starting to wear me down. Today I actually said to one of my clients that I wanted to go out for wine. I thought about it all the way home, and was afraid to stop at the store.

    Then I got my thoughts straight, and thought it through. I also realized that for the first time in, maybe forever, I actually thought through the whole process and what it would be like if I did. Thought about how far I have come, what I would feel like the next day.. I have always wanted to do that, but in the past just didn't. I went to the store, bought my little one a valentine bear, some groceries and realized as I was walking out that I forgot about wine all together - crazy! But I know it was close... A good friend, old drinking friend, asked me to dinner next week. I told her yes, but I am going to decline now. I know I am just too vulnerable right now. I just can't put myself in that situation.

    I went off Topamax almost a week ago, and am thinking I should hop back on until my life settles a bit. My STBX is really pushing my buttons right now. So, better safe than sorry, I will start back up again tomorrow.

    I also need to stay here.. I start feeling bad and then go away, I can't do that. You all help me so much, I need to come here when I am down.

    Thanks for listening... :h

    Namaste,

    MM
    Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them, but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight.
    Tags: None
    #2
    Tough times....

    Meditation Mama~
    Call me selfish, but I need you here.... you have such a lovely soul and I cherish your wise words. Stay close~ love you! :heart:

    Patty
    Tampa, FL

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      #3
      Tough times....

      Thank you, Patty!
      Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them, but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight.

      Comment

        #4
        Tough times....

        Hey MM

        I'm glad you didnt cave, stay strong ~ I now certainly know what it's like to get *that close* to giving in. Yesterday I was planning for tonight to still have some vodka left to celebrate Valentines, instead I'm taking my daughter out to dinner.

        Good idea to decline the social event next week, for now.

        Take care.
        Wake me up low with a fever~Walking in a straight line~ Set me on fire in the evening~Everything will be fine~Waking up strong in the morning~Walking in a straight line~Lately I?m a desperate believer~But walking in a straight line

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          #5
          Tough times....

          You did the right thing MM!!!!!!
          Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice.
          - George Jackson

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            #6
            Tough times....

            Ah, yes.

            Think it through. Thought. Memories.

            Whose driving this bus? YOU ARE!

            Excellent job MM, well done. Troubled times, tough times come to us all unfortunately and will forever and ever. Now is the time to learn how to deal with them soberly.

            I too would decline the invittion to dinner, for now.

            Chocolate for St. Valentines Day!

            m. xx
            ~Are you looking for the Holy One?
            I am in the next seat.
            My shoulder is against yours. ~Kabir

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              #7
              Tough times....

              Hi MM,
              I'm just ten days in, but have noticed as I've read through many of the threads that you seem to be able to offer very sincere insight into so many of the issues that are discussed. Congratulations on your accomplishment tonight. I went through something like that list night, and was able to talk myself out of it. Isn't it wonderful to know that you made the right choice and tomorrow is going to be that much brighter because of it? By the way, hope you and your little one have a great Valentine's Day and you both get lots of "bear hugs."
              Failure is not falling down; it is remaining where you have fallen.

              Comment

                #8
                Tough times....

                Thank you everyone..

                I am still feeling pretty bad today.. I just can't seem to shake these nerves. I can usually do this pretty easily, but for some reason my stomach and nerves are just fried.

                I think I need to call and have an emergency session with my accupuncturist.

                I need to figure out what is the root cause of this.. I know I am going through a divorce, but there seems to be something else eating at me and I need to dig until I find it. It feels dangerous, like I want to bury it. I haven't gone through anythng like this without the aide of AL, so it is a new experience for me. I know I need to feel these feelings, but there seems to be something I can't get at... I will continue to try. I will know when I hit it.

                In the meantime, I have to stay sober and aware. I will stay close to my friends here.. and keep all other stresses as low as I can... easier said than done right now...

                MM
                Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them, but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight.

                Comment

                  #9
                  Tough times....

                  MM,

                  We are here. We will listen and we care.

                  You spoke volumes when you said "you haven't gone through this before without the aide of AL."

                  Yes. Life throws huge curve balls at us and we have dodged them, or not, with AL. Unfortunately, AL just let's the balls hit us wherever and we didn't care, even if the ball hurt us. You are now facing the curve ball square on and it is scary but you will be able to deal with it, even if it does hit you.

                  Wow, that sounds weird, but it is true -- okay, I love baseball and I hope you can understand the allegory -- Rather than NOT deal with the stuff that hurts, we can deal with it and don't need AL to make it "better" because AL didn't make it better, he/she/it just made it "not matter" even though it truly did matter.

                  Does anything I say make sense? Probably not, but I mean every word of it.

                  MM, I am sorry you are down and take these :l :l :l as some comfort.

                  You and I are such STRONG women. We can deal with whatever balls are pitched at us. Even if we strike out, it is better to strike out swinging than just letting them hit us.

                  sigh. Sorry for the baseball stuff but, like I saw in the movie "life is like a box of chocolates, " in my case, "life is like a bunch of pitches." We either swing or stand back. We DON'T just sit there drunk and not make a choice, because we are too strong and too smart to do that..

                  Love you,
                  Cindi
                  AF April 9, 2016

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Tough times....

                    Thanks, Cindi..

                    I don't know much about baseball, except when the world series is on there are great shoe sales!:H

                    But it all makes sense.. Thank you for your words this morning. Just reading them made the lump in my stomach go down.. whew!

                    I will do this, with a clear head and an open heart - even if it means it will get hurt. I haven't let too many things hurt me in the past. I have been a very guarded person with my feelings. That is not who I am anymore. I read once that you find true love when you stop protecting your soft spots. I know this sounds counterproductive to love, but I know what it means now.. you need to let in all feelings, good, bad, sad, and allow yourself to feel. This is new territory for me... I am going through this one baby feeling at a time..

                    LOVE THIS! - "We either swing or stand back. We DON'T just sit there drunk and not make a choice, because we are too strong and too smart to do that.." That is briliant...

                    xoxoxoxo

                    MM
                    Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them, but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Tough times....

                      My thought for the day...

                      it is funny.. people always want to hug me in person.. I am a hugger and I think I put that out there. I love to hug people - not shake hands - hug..

                      But I am "the hugger", I don't know if I often feel the hug back.. today I need hugs.. I am going to let people hug me.. and feel it...

                      baby steps...

                      MM
                      Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them, but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Tough times....

                        Hi MM-

                        Just catching up here, miss sweetness of life. Sounds like some big insights! The thought of a drink has wandered through my thoughts in the last couple of days too. Can't say what, if anything, it is "about", but I was a little shocked!!!

                        I'm not even going to attempt to give advice here, you are a deeply self-aware person MM and you will find your answers, BUT (I always have a big BUT!) don't get pushed around by drinking thoughts. What I mean is, having a drinking thought/craving does not mean that an inner boogeywoman is trying to "get you". You are stressed, your brain is looking for relief, it's only been a month. This doesn't mean you "want to drink", it means it's been 30 days, and you're feeling anxious. There's a natural, chemical gravitation to the alcohol. Just thoughts. And if I were to guess (knowing you all these years!), I'd say whatever you're feeling around the STBX situation, is really getting under your skin. I mean, if you felt peace and reoslve around that, would that make a big difference do you think? Why does your doubt around that situation make you want to drink?

                        Yes, stay close and keep talking!!!!!! WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER. I'm here with anything and everything I have to give.
                        Love you MM.

                        Wonder xx

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                          #13
                          Tough times....

                          MM , I absolutely love how you always listen to your body in its needs... If we were all as wise as you we'd be much better off I'm sure. Nicely done picking up some goodies at the store instead of wine... Yahoo to you
                          xxx

                          ~ I hear a whinny on the wind~

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Tough times....

                            :l :l :l :l For MM........I hope you can "feel" them...they're sent with bunches of love. I love REAL hugs. It always catches the person off guard when it happends as we are such "social" huggers. )

                            Nancy "Belle"
                            "Be still and know that I am God"

                            Psalm 46:10

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                              #15
                              Tough times....

                              MM....i am giving you a big hug right now.........we all need hugs ...Be strong...you are strong....love to you Bella xxx

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