Thick Skin and Innards

[Cinders]

My MWO Friends,

I was told I needed to get some thick skin and innards.

I understand I truly do. I was told this by a dear friend and was told other friends agreed and that they needed to get tough with me. I do fully agree. FULLY!!

Like my family, my friends are tired of my relapses. I am on my own and I know it. I have to be a grown up and I failed at that.

I was hoping there was a miracle here and, of course, I have to make my own miracle (i.e. hard word, determination and grit) and haven't and didn't.

I wish I could say I was sorry, but the sorry is my own. I truly apologize for being such a failure at sobriety but I apologize to myself first and foremost. However, I love all of you, and let you down, too.

If I can stay sober for a while (and I mean a while), I will come back. I hope I do come back!! :l :l

Love,
Cindi

[Mags]

Thick Skin and Innards

You got them thar thick skin and innards lady. You jus fergout bout them. They'se in thar sweet chile.

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

Thick Skin and Innards

You are perfect just the way you are and you haven't let anybody down!!!!!!!!!

[Captnjack]

Thick Skin and Innards

Hi Cindy,

From your post I get the impression you want to take off for a while ( I hope I am wrong) thats ok if thats what you want. But I am new here and I would miss you because you are some one I can relate to you so well. You have so many life matters pushing you to drink !!!! you you are so strong, please go easy on your self . Please do what you need to do but come back. You are a soul thats NEEDED here by me and I sure by others. I am a sailor and have been in situations that have been troubling and potentially life threatening and the first rule when in trouble.1) Stay with the boat. Please stay with us, I personally will miss you but its your choice either way all the best to you:h

love danny:l

[poohbear]

Thick Skin and Innards

Cindi - I am very sorry that you are feeling so low and so down. I truley hope that you don't leave I believe that would not be a good thing for you to do. More than ANYTHING you need your friends here more than ever. You need to be able to have a place to go to to vent, to share, to pour out all your troubles and needs to. We may not be able to be there physically to help you but I think that if you feel us there with you emotionally and or spiritually it does help - if you leave you won't have that. You have not let us down - you have only let yourself down. This is a horrible, horrible disease that nobody but those of us that are in it and living it and feeling it can understand and right now you need just those types of people - the ones that CAN and DO understand and don't judge you but can empathise and advise. Just my opinion - pls let us know what you decide.

Pbear

PS: thick skin and innards is NOT going to STOP this disease - it takes much more than willpower and again only those of us in it and feeling it can understand that

[hulagirl]

Thick Skin and Innards

We love all of you: drunk, sober, AF, moderating, thick skin, thin skin, guts, no guts, or innerds, happy, sad, confused, depressed, overwhelmed, joyous. ALL OF YOU!

[Cinders]

Thick Skin and Innards

Guys,

You must understand that my friends are trying to help me in a huge way. A HUGE WAY. I do not mistake that. I do not take that lightly. At all.

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face because my daughter is so sick from drinking and here I am doing the occasional drunk. OMG!!!

My daughter is very ill. She must stay away from alcohol for a long time in order to heal and here I am, a drunk.

On top of that, my mama (southern speak for mother) told me this morning "if you loved me you would never drink again." and I spent all day ruminating on that and good old southern guilt. (Okay, not baptist, just guilt in general, us southerners are good at that...)) and then I got hit by some friends who basically told me "Hey, Cindi, you've been playing this game long enough, get your act together, you know what you should be doing..." and I am sitting here at almost 3:00 a.m. and crying thinking, damn!!!

Okay. I am a grown WOMAN, DAMNIT!!. I can do this. I can be sober. Period. I cannot make my beautiful child sober, that is her own decision whether it kills her or not (tears welling up in my eyes) but I can be sober.

I cannot promise my mama I won't drink because I love her, I can't promise her anything. I have shown her by being the only child who has been there for her for all her surgeries, strokes, needs, etc, that I am there and do love her. Geez, Mom, sorry I am a drunk and fallable. I will try to stay sober, I really will. However, Do know, I love you, No matter what. (How about YOU????)

Now, as to MWO and my friends. I truly think I should stay away for a while. I have disappointed so many of you so many times and really done some stupid things, such as Chief's "you know what" and Heck I've never done anything about Satori's but should have.

Still, I have worried many good friends that I should not have.

So. I am going to go away for a while.

Just know. I love all of you VERY, VERY much. and I mean VERY VERY MUCH.

I IT GOING TO BE HARD to be away and it is going to be scary to be away going through what I am going through with Adrienne, BUT I think it is best considering that I cannot seem to stay sober for more than a few weeks at a time.

I love all of you more than you can know but am tired of disappointing people. Period.

Please take care. I will be back if I sober up and can be a good support person on the website. Otherwise, I will stay gone and go to some horrid place like AA or something...

Love you all.
Cindi

[hulagirl]

Thick Skin and Innards

Aloha and Peace
:beach:

[Captnjack]

Thick Skin and Innards

All the best cindy lots of love. Remember I will be sailing around with a hand extended just in case.
Lots of love Danny

[Masquerade]

Thick Skin and Innards

Cindi, My Friend -
You have encouraged me in a positive way like no other. Please, please don't leave us. We've discussed our gastic-bypass in tandem with other life challenges. Heck, Girlie ... if we can let them gut us to retrieve our lives, we can do this shit!!!

I refuse to let the bastard ALLIE control my life anymore!! Had a seriously life-altering Valentine's Day where I think "he" did me a favor and forced me to pull my head out of my ass. (I'd thank him but he isn't worth the pixels.)

I feel like a pheonix ... rising from the ashes of emotional self-destruction. We are valuable and loved by many, Cindi. In real life, I am sought out for advice from others. (go figure!!) Anyway ... one of my lines I NEED to practice on MYSELF is ...

You can't find happiness through others or their thoughts of you. They may complement your happiness ... but it resides within YOU!!

Much love and prayers to you. We are worthy women ... full of love for others. We just need to find the love of self.

xoxoxoxox
- Lucy

[flutterby]

Thick Skin and Innards

Cindi
Hope you journey takes you somewhere happy.
Remember...
"whether or not it is clear to you... no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should"
Much love,

[Guest]

Thick Skin and Innards

My dear friend please know I love you. You NEVER disappoint anyone here. You only disappoint yourself. We are all in this together, not here to pass judgement. Please rethink your stance on this. Leaving here, where you are loved and understood is not the fix. We all need each other. You are one of my favorite people here. You have been there for me when I stumbled. You are going through a very rough spot right now. You need support!!!! Please stay, I LOVE YOU..no matter what!!!! I want to see us all AF and strong....I could never do it without you all here at MWO. Please stay!

[meditation mama]

Thick Skin and Innards

Cindi~

All of these things are good. It may not seem like it right now, but these are the type of situations that push you to your brink, to the end of the end, and that is what you want. You need to be at a point where you just can't imagine having another drink. You need to feel like there is no option except to remain sober. This is a place to grow from. You hear about people hitting there bottom, well maybe this is it for you. You have had the people who love you most say they just can't take it anymore. You have said you just can't take it anymore. So, let this be it..

This board, however, is a good thing. I sometimes get a bit frustrated when someone slips and everyone says "it's OK", "we love you no matter what", "just start over again today", "it's only a slip".. I understand these things and agree with the support, but I also felt for me, that I had a excuse, a place that would accept my failure. I know if I screwed up that I could come here and hear things I wanted to hear. I wish there was a little tougher love on occasion, but if it was that way when I was struggling time after time, I probably wouldn't have come back. I am just being brutally honest. So, I hope I am not offending anyone. But, in the end, it works. We do support each other, like no one else can. It is a unique format for recovery. We have to work very hard at it, but it works.

So, basically what I am saying, is I think you should stay. This is the ONLY things that has worked for me. I am sober today. I did it because of this place. I did it when I didn't think I could. I did it in spite of myself.

Let us care for you. Let us help you. You are a help to many, many peole here. We see your strength, your determination, your sadness and we want to help you succeed. So, please don't go away. We need you here...

All my love,

MM

[paula]

Thick Skin and Innards

Dear Cindi, please do whatever it takes to get well but be assured that we all care for you
so much. It's such a struggle to keep on the wagon. Please take care Cindi, you have given
me so much support when I needed it. Sending you love and prayers.
Paula.xx

[Guest]

Thick Skin and Innards

Cindi, you must do as you see fit regarding us here.........do what you think is best for you. But, I think you need us, just as we need you........our love of each other goes without saying, but I really think you`ll be making a huge mistake to walk away from here now.
Because you sometimes fall, you feel in some way unworthy ?.........it doesn`t work like that.........we can all fall.........that doesn`t make us any less a worthwhile human being.

You are thousands and thousands of miles away from me, yet I feel your pain just as if you were sitting right alongside me. I love you, but yes.........I am also afraid for you. I get scared when I see you soar, only to plummet perhaps a few weeks later. I don`t know what to say here, other than what I truly want to say, and can only hope you don`t get mad at me, but since I love you........I will just go right ahead and say it..........chance I have to take.

You are so happy when you are sober, cindi........I read your posts then and it`s like your happiness permeates through cyberworld........you really do seem to find a natural high, albeit temporary, and that`s the sad part of the situation........it doesn`t seem to last for you and Al seems to suck you into his evil clutches once more.

So, I will say what is on my mind, only because I know the elation you feel when sober and that you would give almost anything for that state of being to "stick"........Some of us mentioned antabuse to you a couple of weeks ago.........it`s none of my business, but perhaps you have a valid reason why antabuse would not be suitable for you.......I just don`t know. I know the idea of antabuse can fill so many with horror, because it seems like such drastic measures to remain sober, but I`m very much of the "whatever it takes" school of thought, and if that proved to be antabuse for myself, then I would have to accept that in order to be able to live my life in the manner that I truly want to live it, which is sober, happy and free.

Please consider it cindi. Nomatter how much we may want to do so, we can`t save each other, and I know you know this cindi. We have witnessed a member`s beautiful transformation here just recently due to antabuse..........I so want you to have that.

Just like your own family, we think the world of you. Am praying to God to give you the strength that you need to overcome.........it`s the least you deserve. :h

Starlight Impress xxx