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**Lucy Van Pelt** · February 18, 2008, 02:07 PM

Hi

Oh Bella-

I am so sorry. My husband also goes from incredible anger (out of frustration) to support, and support is so much more benificial to my handling this thing. Although mine has never gone out and gotten drunk out of his anger (that was rather hypocritical, by the way) he as gone as far as pouring vodka over me when he caught me drinking it.

It is so hard, because although they say they want honesty, Knowing that they do not understand what this experience is for us makes it VERY hard to be perfectly honest. So...we make promises we can't keep, and then try to hide the evidence.

The only advice I can give you, is to maybe tell your husband that your promise that you will NEVER drink again is one you WANT to keep, but you don't know if you can, because slips are unfortunately part of this thing. And apologize for not being honest about your slip, but tell him that when he reacts in anger it does not help you.

I hope this is helpful

Beth

**Determinator** · February 18, 2008, 02:09 PM

Hi

Bella alcohol makes us lie and behave outside of our better frontal-cortex thinking...it just does and is one of many reasons I'm trying so hard to be totally AF now. I know it's hard dear...I soooo know. Keep at it XXXXX

**Noelle** · February 18, 2008, 02:13 PM

Hi

My husband used to do that too, get mad, disappear, and come home really drunk. That is always helpful, right?

Now he's so Mr. AF, it makes me sick. Like holier than thou? I've been AF for 14 days and rarely do I get a "good job" or even "kiss my ass."

BUT! He's not going to make me start drinking again. NO ONE can make me do that. I'm in control. Not AL or anybody else!

Keep trying Bella!

**Cinders** · February 18, 2008, 02:13 PM

Hi

Bella,

I know people on this site hate AA but one thing they did teach me and I do believe is that we can never promise to anyone that we will never drink again.

We can promise that we will not drink today, however. Or perhaps that we will not drink for the next hour.

However, I am extremely perplexed, Bella. He dares to ask you to never drink again but has it in the house and expects you to not drink? He goes out and drinks? He continues to drink knowing you have this horrible, terrible addiction?

Hmm. Does he have the same one and is in denial himself? Is the pot calling the kettle black? Why is this monkey all on your back?

I am not abdicating you of responsibility, Bella, I am just wondering, where the hell is his?

Love you, girl. Hang in there.

Love,
Cindi

**bald headed old guy** · February 18, 2008, 02:21 PM

Hi

Belle,
I have no words of wisdom that have not allready been voiced! But I do have a a big HUG for you and a hope ane prayer that you will stay strong!
Anyone who beats this beast for an hour or a day or a week or a month KNOWS jsut how hard this can be. And we are all human..all we can do is keep trying. Someday hopefully your husband will understand you need support, not punishment.
BHOG

**Determinatrix** · February 18, 2008, 02:32 PM

Hi

Bella -

I have a perspective on this. I hope I don't overstep here.

I think it would be best if you were honest and stated that you can't make him any promises. I found that I would believe Det, because he wanted to believe it himself. And my poor heart would have hope. And he would be so frustrated because he really wanted to keep that promise. I finally had to ask him to stop making promises.

My guess is that he feels helpless and frustrated. All you can do is keep trying to get this under control and let him know that you care about him and this, and that you have not given up getting this under control.

In regards to his coming home drunk. I have been thinking about this for some time and have not have the courage to post this. I sometimes think about having a drink when I am frustrated or angry or feel like checking out. I go to the bar, have a drink, maybe two, and I feel like crap. I don't get the high you all get. But I have found myself chasing it, wondering what is so great about it. Why is it worth it? I am just too normal, I guess.

I found that Det was so busy fighting this that sometimes he was too busy to let me let off some steam about how it affects me. To just listen and acknowledge how I feel about it all. We go through this with you, watching helplessly, and it breaks our hearts. We would take a bullet for you, but fighting you for you is hard on our hearts and minds. I remember sometimes calling him selfish. So give him a chance to let out some of that frustration by just listening, without being defensive. Just listen and try to see it from his perspective, and maybe he will feel less frustrated.

I hope this is taken with the love I intended,
Dx

**Noelle** · February 18, 2008, 02:51 PM

Hi

Ack!!!! There it is again!! What is normal and who decided??

**Roz** · February 18, 2008, 03:05 PM

Hi

Dear Bella,

I am mad when I hear about your situation. You have a new baby and a 5 year old. So you drank a couple glasses of wine and your husband goes out and gets drunk? I don't get it - where is the justice here? Is he not suppose to help you with the kids? I think that your husband is secretly in the same boat as you are, he has a drinking problem. He is in denial!!! You guys are young. You have small ones. My advice to you is to be the responsible one in the relationship. Your kids need to have an adult who is able minded. Come on Bella - be there for your kids.

**Accountable for Me** · February 18, 2008, 03:16 PM

Hi

Thinking of you Bella. You are going through such a tough time right now.

One thing I found is to not make promises I can't keep. It makes us feel even worse when we are caught. Not to mention the person we lied to feels betrayed.

Are you breast feeding? The only reason I ask, and I am not an online sales rep for this, as I seem to be mentioning it to other's whom are struggling, is the possibility of taking antabuse?

Anyway, I am sorry you are going through so much. I am truly routing for you.

**lushy** · February 18, 2008, 04:09 PM

Hi

Loved your post DX.

Bella, your hubby obviously has a serious drinking issue. He needs to take care of himself before he dares to berate you. Roz is right; you two have got to pull it together for the kids. It is not easy but after your episode a couple of weeks ago I would hate for something more serious to happen. I think a frank sober discussion with your husband would be a good idea.

Really wishing you the best!

**Accountable for Me** · February 18, 2008, 04:23 PM

Hi

and, yes... I totally concur with Lushy's post. (sorry, I wanted to mention the hubby thing in my post - but I am at work and didn't get a chance to).

Why, oh, why is your husband berating you and then out of a fit of anger he runs out to the bar and comes home pissed drunk? What kind of example is he setting for you and your kids?

Sorry, I do care about you but a 'hypocrit' does not fair well with me.

I am really praying for you and your family, Bella. You have been in my thoughts a lot lately because I am a fairly new mom myself and I fell in the pit of drunken dispair after I had mine. I wouldn't wish the emotional turmoil upon my worst enemy.

**Not Happy Hour-Happy Life** · February 18, 2008, 07:29 PM

Hi

Bella, I think Dx said it the best....

From your previous posts, I never got the impression that your husband drank, so maybe he was doing like DX suggested to get even with you?

Det, your post is very enlightening for me~ thank you for sharing....

We would take a bullet for you, but fighting you for you is hard on our hearts and minds.

That makes so much sense... Thank you. :huggy:

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