Nine hour meeting -not fun

[Prest4time]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Hi Not Happy Hour,

That is my assignment --- to look into all benefits. My Dad owns a house, so that automatically disqualifies him. We are putting it up for sale tomorrow. (which I have been elected to handle)

This is really stressful, but I am doing okay. Thanks for all of your responses!

Love, P4T

[Determinatrix]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Prest, I know you mods and that glass of wine is attactive. Just be careful. Take care of yourself.

Stay in touch with me,
Dx

[greeneyes]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

P4T. My dad had a stroke and I am executrix, share POA with sister, etc. I have met with numerous attorneys (most friends - not to scare you) regarding estate options, and all. I can't really tell you how to navigate because state law is different. but this should not be your burden to bear. My advice to you is to take the prodeeds from the sale of the house (great market isn't it?) and find an eldercare attorney to help you with this and pay for said attorney with the house sale profits. Are you POA? I'm assuming so. He needs to go to assisted living. Not your house. It may take you under and it's simply not your job. Don't do it, dear one. When my mom was dying it was me and the siblings said oh sorry, but your live nearby so you have to take care of everything. And I began to drink and drink and drink. Frankly, a friend who helped me with my mom's stuff is a law professor in estate law. When ,my dad had the stroke he said do not bring him here (from another state), it will take you out. He needs to go somewhere else.And we're just talking nursing home. I didn't listen and it is happening. When his money runs out he can go on medicaid. The attorney can advise you on this. Be prepared to hand over copies of his asssets. Life ins. policies, mortgate, house value estimate of sale of contents, pension, social security, etc. You might seek pro bono attorney work from your local BAR association or if you have a University Law school near you, they may be able to help. but your really need eldercare attorney now. Estate can wait. I hope I don't sound cold hearted. But we must take care of ourselves. I don't see this as being a good thing for you. You are not responsible for his care in your house and should find options without guilt. We all here feel guilty enough. Well, that was a triad wasn't it?

[Prest4time]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Greeneyes,
Thank you so much... you gave me so much info. This is no small job.... arggh..

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

If it meant taking from my children's college funds and I had that kind of Father I would put him in a state home. JMHO

Stay strong my dear :l

[WA]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

P4T,sorry you are having a hard time,great you have family to help you deal with this....
Love Jacqui xxx

[The Londoner]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

P4T

Sorry to hear about your struggle. All I can say is, given the circumstances, think long and hard before bringing your father to your home. I was the one who supported my mother through her terminal cancer. We were very close, but the fact she was dealt a death sentence changed her.She became incredibly hard work. She became my demanding, scared and wilful child. I commuted from London to Northern Ireland at least every fortnight for up to a week at a time, for 10 months.I got her home from hospital, got her home from a nursing home, organised and supervised care workers, got sucked into caring when I was with her. The result? I felt like I was the one who was dying, and yes I drank (big time) to get through it. My life was on hold for nearly a year-are you prepared to see your life change in this way? Once your father is with you, until you get a more permanent solution, who knows how long he stays with you? Importantly,will it make you drink more?

I really think the advice you have had here is spot on. Get professional help and consider the physical and emotional effects this will have on you and your husband. It took me years to get over my trauma. We are all different, but this much I know. If I had reason to be angry with my mother, I would not have considered supporting her. Also,your father is not in a position to understand what is going on here, so he will be unaware of your sacrifice and contribution.

Think hard on this-I know all about a sibling leaving me to get on with it-this is not just about money-it should be a shared responsibility, with all your siblings playing their part, no matter what their circumstances. Hard to achieve, I know, but it is your right to demand this, before you proceed any further.

sorry to sound so dramatic, I don't regret what I did for my mother, she was a dignified, decent non drinking woman,but the price was very high. Your father has excluded himself from his family because of his lifetime drinking and I'd hold on to emotional detachment if you can. Put yourself first.

at the end of the day,do what feels right for you -you will know in your heart what that is and don't let anyone influence your decision
take good care of yourself, we'll be thinking of you

Anna:l

[Determinatrix]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

How are you today, Allie?

Dx

[sammys]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Hi honey, I can only say this must just suck and I mean suck. I am here for you.


Love you,
Sammys

[KatieSmiles]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Oh Allie!
I have only just read this now.
Please be very careful in making the decision to be cargiver to your dad.
It WILL change your life.
I loved my mom immensley and I had no clue how difficult it would be to have her live with me, even though she was pretty easy going, it was a HUGE adjustment for her, myself and the run-away ex hubby.
Moral of the story...think carefully before adding any stress to an upcoming mid life crisis

[greeneyes]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Prest. I had a horrid day dealing with my dad's stuff. Let me repeat myself. Assisted living. Eldercare attorney. :h How old is he? Is he medicare age?

[Prest4time]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Hi all,

I have not logged on at all today until now, so thanks for more encouragement and insight. I have been online and on the phone almost all day doing research etc. I am very discouraged as in my state, the Medicaid applications are so piled up that it takes on average five to six months for approval, and we need help right now. He is not able to work anymore because of the dementia, so his only income is social security, so financially, he qualifies. But the cost of Assisted Living looks like it will be more than what my brother and I can afford out of pocket, and would have to choose between that or not sending our older two to college next year. So I have been investigating other options such as having some in-home care come by once a day to help him with meals, laundry, etc. If I have to wind up doing this myself, I will be giving up my life. He is young for assisted living... he is 67. He would not be in this condition had he stopped drinking years ago and also had he planned for retirement. My Dad made really decent money in his lifetime, but he spent it all and never invested or saved.

Dx, thanks for checking my temperature....LOL. I did willfully indulge in a self pity wine party for myself the other night and felt like crap the whole next day. I'm much better today, but am honestly feeling depressed. I know this situation will work itself out, but right now it just seems overwhelming. Thanks everyone for all of the advice, and I'm taking all of it to heart.

P4T

[lucky 2.0]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Allie,

I am very interested in following your situation with your dad because I am in a similar siutation with my mom. Alcohol and dementia not involved but the bottomline is the same of her having no $ but social security in a year and not even a house to sell. I feel tremedendous stress and am an only child. She frequently says she justs wants to die and that is SOOOOO unlike her. I do not know what to do either. I have drawn some firm boundaries but they just make her want to die more. Sorry, I do not mean to tell my story but do understand the dilemma you face. I pray you have peace in your decisions.

xoxo

[Prest4time]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Lucky,

I should probably call you as I know you have shared your situation as well with me. I cant believe I didnt think to ask you what you have learned as well. I know our parents hate to be a burden on us as well... you know that has to be a bad feeling for them. I am not as good as you at putting up boundries. But if it comes down to him going into an institution where he will be mistreated, then I will just have to cross that bridge and do what I have to do. I guess this is just that part of life that we think we will never have to deal with. I just thought I would be about 15 years older before I had to deal with something like this. I was/ am just unprepared. I'm in the midst of going to school, a daughter about to graduate high school, one still little... its just so much to deal with. But I guess people have to face this every day just like we do!

[YoungAtHeart]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Prest, people are dealing with this all the time, and sometimes they chose to take care of themselves. Don't mess with your kids' college money and espec. don't mess with YOUR retirement funds! If it takes 6 months to get him on Medicaid, start NOW.

If you do choose to have him in your house, then I agree that you must have someone come in to care for him and meet some of his social needs. You have waited a long time and worked hard to be back in school and still be a good mom to your kids. You can't give that up.

I'm sending you positive vibes and strength to make the decisions that are right for YOU. I know two women who have their moms living with them right now. Both of them are going crazy with the demands and are eating right and left and have gained a lot of weight. Take care of yourself, sweetie.

:l :l