Nine hour meeting -not fun

[lucky 2.0]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Allie,

I am interested in what made your dad's situation urgent now. What brought it all to a head?

My mom is getting unemployment for now and gets medical as soon as she turns 65, which is soon. She also got a roommate for $700 a mo but I am not sure how long that will last. Her situation is not urgent ($40k to last the rest of her life though and she is spending it for life needs daily) so I have learned more about the legal situation, bankruptcy, homesteading property, garnishing of wages, restraining orders, tenants rights, fraudalent corporations, tax evasion, ponzi schemes, con artists, and fraud in general. I have not looked into care facilities @ this time and cannot imagine a more depressing topic. Aging just plain sucks. Getting hit by a mack truck @ age 55 does not seem like such a bad gig.

I am really afraid she is going to take too many pills and sleep forever. I would.

Allie,

Sorry to write so much. I just can so relate.

[Preciouspinot]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

wouldn't it be great if age = maturity?

Prayers to all of you.

[Prest4time]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Lucky,
You've been through so much with your Mom no doubt. Yes, their situations are quite different, but yet the end result is that we as children are no longer children and have to assume the role of parent. Its not fun.

In a nutshell, my parents (though divorced) were back living together last year as my Mom was going through cancer treatment, etc. My Dad's drinking escalated as a result and he had a bad fall down some stairs and hit his head. He has never been "quite right" since. Prior to that he was having some barely noticeable confusion.... sometimes just having to give a lot more thought to a simple question, but after the fall, it got worse rapidly. He has been in a non-profit rehab as a result of my mother requiring him to seek help as a result of almost burning their house down by cooking breakfast at 1 a.m. and thinking it was 9 a.m. He had been drinking all the night before and she caught him peeing in the kitchen trash can. So she ordered him out and to get help. So he did. After three months, he got mad at his room mate and walked out of the rehab, called my older brother in the middle of the night lost somewhere on the interstate. My brother found him and took him to his home, where he has had him for the past three months while we have had MRI's, CAT scans, and every other brain test known to get an accurate picture of what his mental status is. Amazingly, his liver is fine. But the chronic alcohol abuse for the last 20 years (drank huge bottles of vodka every night) took its toll. They tried intense vitamin therapy for a month, but no improvement. The doctors are saying his condition is a result of frontal lobe shearing from his fall, and alcoholic dementia. So now he cannot work as he gets too confused. He had a hit and run minor accident the last time he drove, so no keys anymore. He cannot live alone without assistance now. So the decline was sudden. We had no idea a year or even six months ago we would be in this boat.

[lucky 2.0]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

How much does a care facility cost? I know there are a zillion issues with a facility but if it were ideal, how much? I am willing to supplement but the more I give away, the less I have for me. Sorry to sound selfish but we are responsible for ourselves. These are life's hardest situations- no doubt. I heard the following that made good sense and really outlines the the conflict:

The more we give away- on the physical plane, the less we have.
The more we give away- on the spiritual plane, the more we gain.

[Prest4time]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Lucky,

I like those concepts.

I am sure it is different from state to state, but I would think that our states would be comparable from what I have seen.

For a nice assisted living place which looks homey, has reputable care for basic level care which includes cleaning, laundry, medication distribution if necessary, and assurance that they are attending meals and doing well each day. If they need further assistance (which my father doesnt) such as wheelchair, bathing, etc, then it really starts adding up.

But here -- we are looking at bare minimum of $2,500 to $3,500 per month.

My sister is a single Mom trying to keep a roof over her head, so she cannot give anything, and one brother is not much better off. My other brother and I are doing okay barring no major catastrophes... we are trying to plan our own future, but very much still in the process of raising our children and older ones leaving for college. If nothing else, I am getting a huge education on retirement plans, Assisted Living facilities, laws, etc. Now I know what I need to plan to have saved up so this burden does not fall on my children.

Back to the air diet! LOL :H

[KatieSmiles]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Allie, my heart goes out to you.

Biggest hugs!
K

[tawnyfrog]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

" Getting hit by a mack truck @ age 55 does not seem like such a bad gig."



With respect .... I disagree.

[KatieSmiles]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

hmmmmm....depends on whether one lives or not

[greeneyes]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Um..... I hope to not get blasted for this but we (siblings and friends) know what I deemed "the mac truck theory" You go outside, stand in the street and bend over to look in your mailbox and WHAM. The other one is "get the pillow".

P4T I am not understanding why you think you have financial responsibility here. I'm about to sell my dad's stuff, his home, etc. His nursing home care is a little over 5 grand a month. You don't have to be involved financially. Please get an eldercare attorney to give you some basic guidance. Or hell, I'll tell you for free. Here's my free advice: Do not put him in your home. You are in no way obligated to pay for his care . You find a place the will roll over to medicade when his money runs out. You DO NOT tap into your money. You DO NOT tap into your life by having him in your home. This is HIS path. Let him follow it. Yo do not have to go with. Jump off the guilt train.

[Chief]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Just thinking about you, Allie....

It's a tough situation, but what are you going to do....you just have to deal with it the best you can.

We're all here with you...

Don

[Prest4time]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Thanks Don, and thanks too for the advice Greeneyes.

Today has been a bit stressful with emails going back and forth with my brother and sis-in-law who currently have him. Their oldest son got really angry today and left because he has been sleeping on the floor in his two little brother's room for the last three months as my Dad is currently in their basement which was being used as his room. So they are really upset and said they have got to have some help immediately and to make a long story short, I could read between the lines that they felt my home would be the best temporary solution. I just cannot have him here until after March 16th, as my husband will be travelling, then I go with him on a biz trip we bought tickets for months ago for a week and I've already lined up my Mom to come be here with the kids, etc.

Bottom line -- they are mad at me, but I did make it clear and we decided today that him living with us is not an option. I will take him for a week or so to give them a break after March 16th. I did a lot of research today, and found a really decent/ nice studio apt for $500 a month, and found an agency that provides in-home care for $18.00 an hour with a minimum of four hours a day if they come out. But they do meal prep, clean up, laundry, dust, vacuum, etc, as well as talk with them, and provide interaction. I figure if we could split the cost of that for four days a week, then I could go get him and bring him over some on weekends and he could have meals here with us, and my sister could do that some too. My brothers could chip in a larger chunk of the money since I would be overseeing and doing more hands on care. This will be a lot less expensive than Assisted Living. It still runs some risk as he would be alone a fair amount as well, but I told my siblings that I think it is a risk we just have to take because he "chose" this path. This was totally preventable.

I think this is our only solution. Greeneyes, in Florida, Medicaid takes five to six months to get approved and does not assist with housing or nursing care from all that I have been told. He does have Medicare, so he is covered for any medical needs such as doctor appts, meds, hospitalization, etc. It just does not appear to help with living expenses. We do have a federal program that helps with housing, but the funds have run out and will not be available again until July, and no one knows how much funds will be available, and he will be in line amongst thousands for benefits.

We are offering the current tenants in his house the option to buy, but if not, the house is in bad shape and would need more work than it is worth, and it is in NC and none of us even live there anymore. So we may have to let it go into foreclosure. My older brother is now handling the house.

I'm feeling hopeful about the studio apt with in-home care; seems like the best option.
Thanks, P4T

[lushy]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

That does sound like a viable option Allie. I am sorry you are having to go through this. When I went through this with my dad I was SO lucky to find programs that would help us for free because he did not have the money either. I doubt they still exist as it was over 10 years ago and times have changed.

I wish you, your dad and your siblings the best. It is a very sad situation and a good lesson for those of us who drink too much. Keep us posted.

[Determinatrix]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

P4T,

Your brother and sis-in-law need to be more patient. A three week preparation time, especially when you already have a trip planned, is not unreasonable.
And it sounds like a great opportunity for them to teach their son that sacrifices have to be made for family sometimes.
Don't try to make everyone happy, Allie. It's impossible.
The studio sound promising. How far away is it from your home?

xoxoxox, Dx

[Prest4time]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Thanks Lushy and Dx~

The apt is only about five minutes from me, so that would work good. Also, my oldest son who is away at college is coming back home to continue his college at the local University this Fall, so he will have to pass this place to and from school, and could easily help as well by taking meals that I could prepare from home over to him, pick him up after class and bring him over for dinner, etc. I've already talked to him about it and he said he would love to help as he loves his grandfather. I havent gone and looked at it yet, but I know exactly where it is and have seen pics online. Its an older complex, but all ground floor and very well maintained with beautiful landscape and place to walk and enjoy the outdoors, which is important to him.

Thanks for the advice Dx; I tend to be a people pleaser to the point that I put my own best interests and family needs on the back burner. I just want to "fix" everything.

I'm feeling much more hopeful. Dx I also agree with you -- times like this are really difficult, but our children are watching how we handle them. They are learning from me how to take care of "me" one day. Its just part of life.

[Saint Jude]

Nine hour meeting -not fun

Allie,
Just want you to know how incredible I think you are...

This has got to be so difficult for you & your family.
Sending prayers & hugs Hon.:l

Will keep you & yours close in my thoughts...:h