Pissed off with myself.

[StraightLines]

I said I wouldnt do this again. I said if I drank it would be under reasonable circumstances ie social events, every now and then, in the evening at least....but nooooo. I did what a few of us have been talking about lately, waiting for the bottle shop to open in the morning and then scraping up the money in coin form to look like an absolute beggar needing their drink. I hate the fact my drink of choice is on special too - the first thing that went into my head was "great! when I get paid on saturday I can buy a whole case for under $50".

I said I wouldnt drink today. Three days 'slipping' was enough. I enjoyed drinking yesterday - and look what has happened, old habits coming racing back. Drinking in the A.M. I hated how I used up nearly all my petrol in my car to do a huge U Turn to go back and scrape those coins up and buy more booze. I hated how I spent the beginning of the day dropping my kid off at school (her dad is picking her up today by the way so no boozy driving from me), going to the beach and having a coffee, looking at the huge swell and loving nature, but STILL - heading back to the place of no return aka - bottle shop.

But I'm not eating, so it's ok right,?. That's what my stupid head is telling me. This is "healthier". SHeeeeeze, I KNOW this isnt healthier! But i'm still doing it.

THe day started off cloudy, cool, no sun as usual, constant rain as it has been raining for the four thousandth day in a row...so I thought to 'enjoy' and 'celebrate' this fact by drinking.....now, 2pm , the sun has been out for the first time in a very long time...so now I 'celebrate' that fact.
I go outside a bit and walk around, I see a neighbour who is a close friend of mine, whom I've told in previous weeks I'm not drinking anymore, and here I am drunk, so I give him a wave and carry on my way. Please dont come over and speak to me - something I usually long for him to do, but not today.

I hate how I seem to like this way. The drunk way. I'm not 22 anymore, I havent been bloody 22 for a very very long time and my body cant handle this anymore. I HAVE TO STOP.
I dont understand it all.

I think I shouldnt be on this forum for a bit, not until I straighten up and not drink, it seems so hypocritical being here whilst I'm not sober.

Ironically, those who know the song...Cheap Wine by Cold Chisel is playing.........

[poohbear]

Pissed off with myself.

First of all don't feel hypocritical for being here and drinking - this is what
THIS forum is all about - people with drinking problems helping other people with drinking problems. If you don't have us to go to who do you have? What kind of support system do you have? What else are you going to do? Sorry if I sound harsh but if you do stop coming here we will worry about you. You are not the only one in this boat. Alcohol is very cunning and very baffling. I had a horrible situation happen to me last week where my 15 y/o soon took my vodka and hid it so I would stop drinking. It made me feel horrible and today is day 7 AF for me. HOWEVER how much longer is this going to last for me??? I don't know cause the cravings are starting to hit very, very hard.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we do understand so very much where you are coming from hun. My heart is breaking for you because I KNOW exactly how you feel right now. On one hand you want to stop drinking with all your soul but there is a bigger piece that wants and needs that damn stuff and its uncomprehensible why - why, why, why?????

I wish I had some answers for you, I truley do, but you acknowledge that you have a problem and coming here for help and answers is a HUGE step in the process - please keep coming and keep posting and keep hanging on to us drinking or sober that IS what we are here for

BIG HUGS TO YOU

Pbear

[dexterhead]

Pissed off with myself.

Oh Straight, I wish I could reach out and help you! I am way back in the States where it is still Tuesday night, but I can so feel your frustration ...
you know, I sure as hell am not the right person to help you, I still have not gotten a handle on my problem at ALL, but I just wanted to say hi and I am thinking of you. and I know on some level you and I both hate ourselves for our drinking and we know the drinking is squelching some of the better parts of us.
Isn't it weird feeling such a kinship with someone you've never met who's halfway across the world? but I think it's kind of amazing. I hope some members who've actually made progress with beating this thing will help you soon, but I'm thinking of you back here where it's still Tuesday:h :h

[dexterhead]

Pissed off with myself.

Hi Pooh, sweetie, just saw your post. god does this thing suck!! Straight, we're all here for you ...

[StraightLines]

Pissed off with myself.

Hey P'Bear...

You have put tears in my eyes

I read about your situation the other day, and my heart broke for you. I have one child who is only six but so, so wise. I hate to let her down, she says things now and then which SHOULD be enough for me to stop. I've never put her or myself as a mother in danger but just those little things she says breaks me, but not enough to stop it seems.

You are right. I dont really have anywhere else to turn. Hate to sound all violin'ish but there is no one. I'm lying to everyone else in real life, bar one. But she has too much on her plate re alcohol and other issues for me to be 'real' to her. I dont have family around me and my friends think I'm doing real good the ones that know I have had to stop, the others are oblivious to my huge problem.

I guess I joined here because I was learning to recover, not give into the drink.

It has taken me 20+ years to know I'm killing myself, I knew back then it was no good, but I muffed it over thinking it was okay, its not ok! It never will be ok.
The last few months is the first time ever that I've really woken up and understood this is something big, something real. It's a bit of a shock. Pathetic too.

P'Bear THANKYOU. I just feel so lame right now. I am feeling so good being drunk even know I know it is just the worst thing possible for me right now. At least I've been honest here yeah? That must mean something>?? If I"m coming here to admit it?

I'm sorry, I really feel like I've let you guys down.

[Kirova]

Pissed off with myself.

Poohbear is absolutely right, Straightlines...this is about people with drinking problems helping people with drinking problems. Who better to understand? Doesn't matter if you're drinking or not drinking...the support is unconditional. Hoping you find your peace -

:h

[StraightLines]

Pissed off with myself.

Dex....

You have no idea how much I get you right now. I wish you were here too.....

sigh


I wish in a way it was still Tuesday, although by then I kinda knew I was NOT going to beat this thing....

xxxxx

[StraightLines]

Pissed off with myself.

Kirova,

I guess i never saw this place as that. But you must be right.

Still, I wish i was here for my initial sole purpose, to remain sober. Not do what i'm doing now. Thanks for your support, I'll get thru this, I have to.

[poohbear]

Pissed off with myself.

I think sometimes we don't have people in real life to go too because A) we don't want to burden them and B) we hide it really, really well from them or are too ashamed to admit that we have a problem. I know that the one time I went into a 30 day IP reh program and then went back to work I told everyone where I had gone because I was proud of being sober - that sobriety period lasted for 6 months and I haven't been able to get that back again that was over 3 years ago. Since then I have people every once in awhile ask how I am doing and I smile and say "I am doing just great!!!! Oh aren't was just so good at hiding and fooling?? Why do we do this, I don't know, again it's probably from shame. This is a disease yes - but its not an accepted disease, its a shunned disease. People that don't have it think its a weakness or a will power thing - they just really do not get it.

As for your daughter - she probably knows and understands a bit more than you think she does and if she doesn't now she will believe me. Our children especially don't understand this or why we do it all they see is their mommies acting different when she drinks THAT stuff. I am a child of an alcoholic so I have been on both sides of the fence.

And yes feeling drunk does make us feel better in a sick sort of way because we don't have to FEEL - feeling numb is sooooo much more comforting than feeling ANY kind of pain, at least that is the way it is for me. I do sincerely hope that you find YOUR WAY OUT - whichever way that is because YOU do deserve to be happy and healthy and you know that drinking is not going to get you there. I will leave it at that and am sending HUGE prayers and BIG hugs for you like Dex is all the way from the states - hope you can feel them because WE CARE

:huggy

pbear

[Kirova]

Pissed off with myself.

I have to believe that at some point, the "good" begins to crowd out the "bad." It just seems like it takes forever sometimes. And it sure doesn't happen by itself (much as I'd love to throw things into autopilot). The road to sobriety can be a long twisty one...but it all starts with that first step...then the one after that...You might lose your footing, but you can always get back on the road. Lots of friends here to help along the way. While I haven't been a member here for very long, I remember the sense of relief I felt when I found this site. A very emotional experience....

[tlrgs]

Pissed off with myself.

hi there..straightlines..dont leave. hang around and keep on trying .it takes time to heal. and you sound like you want to try something but doesnt know what.so you are the only one that can make the change. we are here for you.so stay and keep on reading and posting. it doesnt happen over night.take it one day at a time. you will start to feel much stronger.
for me it was so hard to quit . i didnt take any drugs to help with the stop drinking.i did it cold turkey . because i wanted to. not for anyone else. for myself
for now, hope, pray , one day at a time .it does work. and good luck

[Captnjack]

Pissed off with myself.

Hey Straight,

Your my hero :l you did 18 days straight not long ago AF. Ok so youv'e slipped a bit, but so have I and so have most of us at some stage. Geeeeez 18 days dont forget the STRENGTH that lies dormant in you that led to that. Its still there just go easy on yourself get the supps into you and lots of water you know what to do just keep saying I CAN I CAN I CAN.. Hey even Jimmy B had to give up the 3 day growth and the cheap wine we all realise in the end as much as we think it makes us feel good its sucks more out of us than we out of it. Enjoy that Sun and Waves and lots of :l :l :l your the best and you can do it

all the best

danny

[tawnyfrog]

Pissed off with myself.

(Geez Danny - I always thought Jimmy B gave up cheap wine and a free gay goat....)

AND

Straightlines ... this is exactly the time when you SHOULD be here. Hang with us. It really does get better.

[Captnjack]

Pissed off with myself.

HA HA HA,
Well gotta be careful here but he did live on a farm somewhere and well i presume there were goats and well the way he screams sometimes when he sings he learnt something from those beasties. Now I probably have a personal Jihad on me by chisle fans better leave the country quick. Last train to bla bla and all that.

DB in hiding

[StraightLines]

Pissed off with myself.

Ah, at least you guys made me laugh!!

I''m out on a farm, and have a few goats in neighbouring properties....I never thought of them as gay - I had one offered free too....

You are right right right DB, I was thinking that earlier to myself, as much as I enjoy the now, it takes more than it gives. THanks for your words YOU are the best.

TawnyF, yeah...I guess I should be here now, I hope though next time I post something it's about being sober. Just feel so shiteful right now to participate positively.

Tlrgs, I did it cold turkey too, I dont believe in taking pills or whatever (personal choice) so I can do it again. Thanks for your support in your own time of need.

I just feel like one big SUCK right now