Why is the thought of going AF so scary?

[trixietrack]

I like to consider myself a moderate drinker. I thought I was doing great for the last 10 months. I even did great during my vacation when I had no access to MWO and was not working and had a lot of free time on my hands which is usually the time when I just let go and start drinking.

Last night I ran into one of my drinking buddies and we decided to go to my house and catch up. He brought 2 bottles of red wine, at first it looked like I was gonna be ok, but next thing I know I was drinking like I did before March last year.
Today I have an awful hangover and can't seem to get any work done. woke up with a purple tongue and bloodshot eyes. probably smell like a barrel of stale wine.
I keep thinking maybe I should just go AF and stop playing this crazy game with myself.

why, then why? is the thought of going AF so scary?
my legs won't fall off, my friends and family won't disown me?

crazy pendulum.

[universal]

Why is the thought of going AF so scary?

I'm with ya Trixie. I have been having a hard time lately too - and though I like the thought of no hangovers etc.......the thought of completely going AF is scary. But I would so like to be able to be mostly AF and be able to handle a drink every once in a while without over compensating but I don't know if I'm capable..........

Al is a nasty beast ........... we fear but we love.......... WTF?

I'm with you on this journey.......hope we can figure it out together.

[Reenie]

Why is the thought of going AF so scary?

Trixie: Thank you for your kindness after reading about my relapsed. Personally, I feel continuing drinking is a lot scarier then going AF. One never knows what is going to happen to them after picking up the first drink. Maybe they'll stop at one... but most likely they keep going and going. Drinking is a vicious cycle. When one drinks, they think they are having fun, engaging in interesting conversations, and are being creative, only to find herself waking up the next day dehydrated with a screaming headache and bloodshot eyes.

You are right... Going AF is not going to make your legs fall off and your friends/family won't disown you. They will be proud of you. The pep talk I gave myself earlier today is, "If I pick up again, drinking is definitely going to kill me or bring something disastrous into my life. I might as give myself a heart attack at they gym while doing something for me". You see, not only am I disappointed with my slip, I'm also mad at myself for not working out and keeping myself in shape. I’m looking forward to the challenge of staying AF, but am scared to go to the gym to work out hard and get my body back to the way it was. However, instead of obsessing and worrying about it, I have to push forward and make the change.

[greeneyes]

Why is the thought of going AF so scary?

I just fessed up to a friend I had been avoiding (the one that does energy work). She was all proud of my efforts. Scary part is the withdrawal. That for some (I wouldn't know quite yet) lasts a while. Not just the physical, but the behavioral. I may have to have a new set of friends. I'm OK with that. fortunately I make new freinds easily. I talk a lot, to anybody. But it seems that when you leave AL you become grouchy for a while. I may quit being friendly, be rejected for being an arse. It scares me.

[KateH1]

Why is the thought of going AF so scary?

Hi Trixie,
Just today, I was reading the best explanation for this that I have ever heard before.(wish I could also remember who wrote it and where????) Anyway, the person described our fear of stopping alcohol as the same phenomenom that all to often causes us stay in a bad relationship,one that is no longer working and even harmful to us. Think of it. At one time or another most of us have been in a relationship that makes us sad, leaves us feeling lonely and deprived, and truly miserable. Yet, we still fear loosing that relationship and, for a time, after it is over, we grieve that relationship.

The good news is, that after a short while of grieving, we feel so much better and move on to healthier relationships!

[bald headed old guy]

Why is the thought of going AF so scary?

Kate,
You just hit the nail on the head as far as I am concerned. For so long, I have made sure my relationships were with people who liked to drink wine..so we could go places and drink together. Now I am finding out who my real friends are...the ones who go places even if they can't drink there...Thanks for putting it out so clearly.
BHOG

[skygal12]

Why is the thought of going AF so scary?

I work in change management as a Consultant - EVERYONE resists change. No matter what it is.

I have been drinking for 20 years. It is very difficult, and scary, for me to adjust to the AF life. I don't know what to do with myself - how to find friends - where to go, what to do. Although drinking and hangovers sound repulsive, change is so scary, it is easier to "fall back" to the old habits.... I have been AF for 2 weeks and find myself staying in a lot, but am making lists of things I would like to do. Try to go and meet people who DON'T get loaded for fun. Very scary....

[lucky 2.0]

Why is the thought of going AF so scary?

Learning to ride a bike was scary.

Jumping off the high dive was scary.

And look how fun those things were after we did them!

Anything we have never done it scary. I agree with what is posted above.

[Noelle]

Why is the thought of going AF so scary?

Yep, I hate change a lot!!! I'm tryinng to make "new" habits instead of falling back on the old ones. And it's not so very easy!

[The Londoner]

Why is the thought of going AF so scary?

Interesting thread, Trix

And yes, AF can seem scary and then when you do AF for a good while (say 30 days) with a view to going Mods after that, you stay AF longer...because...you are fearful of going mods in case it lands you right back where you started..drinking too much. So? I did AF for over 100 days. Then I 'practised' moderation. After a month of drinking I did'nt get drunk but i noticed I was drinking too often, virtually every day,without even short af breaks,and I was afraid that the drinking amount was increasing, slowly but surely SO it was time for me personally to stop and regroup. For me, it was back to AFing (yes for at least 30 days), with the prospect of a planned drink with friends mid-March at a dinner party,good supportive company, some fine wine,lots of food and water in attendance. After which I'm hoping and praying that my planned resolve will ensure I go back to a long stretch of AF.
I want to be known as a non drinker who drinks occasionally. That's my plan. That's my goal. I cannot see moderation as limited daily/weekly alcohol consumption. Wouldn't work for me.

Why do I not consider the most sensibile, the healthiest and in some ways easiest option of all? The AF for life choice? Is it because I don't want to face the 'AF is forever' probability? Am I afraid?

I suppose I am so intent on my personal plan for survival, I'm not questioning myself too closely on this. I do know that the possibility of drinking mid-march keeps me from worrying or fearing the absence of drink now or in the forseeable future. Because of my psychological take on this alcohol issue, I do not think about having a drink now. It does not hurt me not to drink today. That is enough for me, right now. Fear not, I say.

good luck to all you lovely people
if you haven't already done this, consider factoring in the 30 day AF stint if you feel you can manage it-it is so worth the effort and yes you will be grouchy and miserable some of the time( i felt like s**t for weeks, mainly due to an extreme detox diet!) but notching up the days is exciting too-I felt like a kid first time around-so proud of myself. The second AF stint went deeper into the psyche and I am finding new reserves of energy to do this - but I also felt down, at best felt flat, for a while. Now I feel a different sort of cleansed, confident inner balanced sort of feeling.Any "pain" is worth it, honestly.

we pay huge amounts for body and mind treatments, we go mind searching body shrinking spirit enhancing and so on and on -you know what? AF is the best of all for discovering who you really are, it doesn't require you to break into a sweat and it costs absolutely nothing! In fact AF home treatments means we save a fortune in booze bills! I have lost a lot of weight and am steadily beginning to uncover my real self -what's not to like?

I read somewhere that our biggest fear is our fear of success. Easier to hide inside the familiar drunk's clothing.

I went out yesterday and surprised myself by paying much more that usual for a beautiful linen suit-I am down 2 dress sizes. Gives you confidence when your husband says you look sexy. When you feel this good, fear quite simply and quietly disappears. I don't think about giving up drinking forever-it may happen -in the meantime I am too busy filling my AF days with interesting life choices. I am actually engaged in putting myself forward as a freelance writer and enjoying modest success. Now that does scare the hell out of me! But I'm sticking with it and I'm learning as I go and I'm having fun. Couldn't do that, with a drink in my hand!

bye all, will be reading your posts to see how you're getting on,
keep smiling even if sometimes through gritted teeth
go paraAFlying

:h Anna:h

[tlrgs]

Why is the thought of going AF so scary?

hi there..trixietrack.. who said you have to worry about that right now. just go the same way you were doing when you were mod.and sooner or later you will be af in no time. just dont think about it as totally quiting . and just work on it that way...good luck

[cowgal]

Why is the thought of going AF so scary?

yep

I agree w/ what was said by everyone, and Tlrgs said you only have to worry about this TODAY!!!! Remember that, ODAT! :huh:

You can do it, only think about today, this moment, this hour, you will get through it...........remember the last drunk, how you felt AFTERWARDS, not how "fun"it was, I know my last was not "fun" at all, laying in bed and not being able to function is not "fun" to me, not anymore anyway.................:no:

love you,:h:h

MA

[trixietrack]

Why is the thought of going AF so scary?

thank you all for your wisdom and support. Like you said Reenie, staying drunk or drinking should be the scary part since it is very unpredictable and also very destructive.
I had no access to the internet this weekend and didn't do too bad (AF Friday and Saturday), but was going through a lot of thinking about where I stand with this bad relationship with AL.

Anna I think you are right about the fear of success. being AF or mostly AF is success, so is everything one accomplishes while sober.

I am going to start another AF stint to mostly to clear my head and cleanse my system just feel like me doesn't fit in this body.

thank you all again for all the support it is very encouraging.

Trix

[trixietrack]

Why is the thought of going AF so scary?

trixie is back on track

I am finally feeling a lot better, it took a while to recover. The one thing I have learned, is that I now know that a lot of he depression and anxiety I experienced before becoming a MWO member and really making a point of keeping my drinking in check, comes directly from drinking way too much.

today I feel positive once again have only had 1 glass of wine since that horrible day.

[Cinders]

Why is the thought of going AF so scary?

Trixie,

That is great!

Keep it up, keep vigilant and do not let yourself get so addicted to AL that moderation is not an option. I mean that deeply.

AL will keep sucking you in until you are "lost."

You have been doing so well on the mods and can stay there forever. I mean forever. Just do not let AL suck you in until you cannot "live" without him.

You are one my favorites on this site. I would love to see you beat the beast!! Truly. :l:l

Love,
Cindi