I'm here...

[Finding My Self]

I'm here...

Thank you - yes, 'Let it be'....for now and also let it be for what it will be... That's such a lovely thought, Rob. I guess I am just secretly worried that underneath, rather than my mind knitting something useful and beautiful, it is knitting something dodgy with dropped stitches and dirty colours which will trip me up when I least expect it and I shall look like a fool...that's the sad truth of it. Purely selfish eh?! I suppose it's because I shall be in a situation (funeral) with a great many people who have been spun a few yarns about 'my awfulness' and I don't want to prove them right!!! (Not by tears but the impossible anger I lived with for so many years around my parent's ways...)

But 'Let it be' will run in my mind and all will be well. Time to try out the trust in the world, people, me and the beautiful communal Spirit that links us all. (Even if I simply cannot understand the prejudicial spirit-breaking stuff that make my parents tick; they too were/are Spirit. Hmmm!)

Thanks for your support as I search through this unfamiliar maze, trying out all I have 'worked with'... This time last year I would have been drinking, hard...but it's not the non-drinking that's helping - it's the new thinking that doesn't stimulate me into wanting to drink but into finding new ways of coping... (as if drinking really helped anyway!!) And I've learned it here...and am so grateful.

Love FMS xx

[wonderworld]

I'm here...

FMS-
For what it's worth - I don't think your mind is knitting anything 'dodgy' (except for thinking that it is!) . Be very careful here. Rob is right. Don't turn the natural emotional difficulty of this situation on yourself, and interpret it as 'regressing'. I dont' care if you have a million years of therapy, sobriety, spritual growth, self-realization, etc. - the loss of your Mom, and going back to 'that place' with your Dad, will stir old and very deep thoughts, feelings and perceptions about yourself, the world and everybody else (as Rob said). Try to look at you in your situation objectively, if you can. That's an OLD reality, and it is not who you are now. Any reassurance you need on that, is right here with us.

As far as the knitting, when you're through these very real challenges, and back in your day to day life, you will pick up where you left off - luscious yarn, your favorite needles, and you will continue to knit, knit, knit the beautiful rows and stitches, just the way you like it. With evermore serenity and resolve, I bet.

This has me thinking of the beautiful white sweater your daughter gave you for your Birthday. The love with which she gave it you, how much you genuinely CHERISHED it:upset:, that special day of adventure and fun that you masterminded - that's what YOU are creating. That's YOUR knitting, as far as I'm concerned. And I think it's divine :h.

WW xx

[Finding My Self]

I'm here...

Oh Wonder - you are amazing! Fancy remembering the white sweater! And 'using' the memory of it so positively...

Yes, you're so right....and today is at least a day more along the lines of 'grieving' and thus less guilt....I felt so, so, so tired and almost poorly with all the repressed emotions so went into our big church today where I usually go, the organ was playing and out it all came....I hid in a corner and just 'was' - a soggy heap..... Soooh many of the regrets that I knew would surface eventually.... Coz yes, whatever, she was my 'Mummy' once. And that's sad.

Now I am all bloggy eyed and completely brain-fogged....I am going to walk to the supermarket and buy something 'lovely' for supper (I have absolutely no idea what...you know the feeling?!) Cosy up with the fire (sadly only electric but with lots of imagination...), the telly and a big rug......

I had a lovely card earlier....a photo of lotus flowers in a beautiful lake... The words, "Be like the lotus growing from the deepest mud: Learn about silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant and kindness from the unkind".

My friend wrote inside, "Loss is such a complex emotion to deal with..."

Isn't it just.........

I have been so blessed in my life; this is the first close bereavement I have had - at 50! There was my beloved aunt but that was in Canada and I couldn't (Dad wouldn't let me - at 28!) be there and some others, well, not with the closeness they should have warranted (Grandparents/Uncles). I am such a learner in this - so please forgive any glaring insensitivities....it's because I really don't know ths road. A sad reflection on a disparate family life.... Well, there you go...

All your words are so comforting - thanks again.

Love
FMS xx :h

[wonderworld]

I'm here...

Thank you FMS. You have no idea how much you're helping me too. By speaking your heart. As always.
Much love :l-
WW xx